As a dear friend has written - "All we can do is try our best". Aint that the truth. This is exactly what I'm doing. I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best to deal with our economy taking a dive. I'm trying my best to fight off the tickling teases of depression. I'm trying my best to be motivated. I'm trying my best to be pro-active. I'm trying my best to not let the world take over my already overloaded mind.
I'm broke. I'm broke because I have never been able to get ahead since my ex-husband raped and ruined me financially. I'm broke because I live in SoCal and am determined to continue living on my own. I'm broke because I like good wine, and I like to eat out. I'm broke because I'm a single women, with a job, living in a rental. This is not fair. I voiced this today. My roomate said - "Well, life isnt fair". No. I will not accept that. I retorted with "If we try to be positive, pro-active, etc we can make it work". He said "That only goes so far". No. I will not accept that eithier. Its not fair goddammit. Its not fair! This is not a "poor me" speal. This is me declaring that its not fucking fair. I work hard. I'm a damn good employee. I'm a good friend. I come from good people. I'm not a bad person. In fact I'm a pretty damn good person. So no - its not fair what has happened to me.
But you know what, I'm going to keep fighting. Yes, it gets exhausting. Yes, its hard as FUCK sometimes. Yes, it seems like sometimes its pointless. But I wont give up. I haven't this whole year. I will stay positive. I will stay focused on trying to move foward. If this means I have to pick up something like the Artists Way again I will. I will keep fighting. I am determined to get to a point where I can sit back and say - "I'm actually ok, and I'm going to be ok". I will get there. If I die before then at least people will know I never stopped trying.
Life can be unfair - but you can fight it. You can fight it will all your being. I have to admit (begrudgingly of course) my change in attitude has helped. No - it has not made the problems go away. In fact I'm getting a bit scared because thier getting worse - but it has helped me deal with it better. Mel said to me one day "I think you still have the same frustrations that you've had before, but now your taking them head on instead of just crying about them". Shes right. People have noticed a difference in me. This is good.
The economy maybe going down the shitter. It may be getting hard to make it as a single working woman living in a rental. But somethings got to give. There HAS to be something I can do. Currently the answer seems to be to make extra money somehow. Not a 2nd job - I refuse to kill myself working 2 jobs like I tried to do last year. I will not make my body pay for my financial situation. So what is it. Sell stuff? Get some commercials? Get fucking something. I'll find it. I have to. I have no choice. So life may not be fair - but I expect it to give me what I deserve. And goddamit it will.
5 comments:
It broke my heart when I finally accepted that the world wasn't fair - about 6 or 7 years ago. It should be fair, gawd dammit!
I saw a piece on tv about the guy who wrote "The Last Lecture." It looks like it could be a really sappy, manipulative tear-jearker, but it could also have some valuable mind-set advice in it. The one he demonstrated was the realtive unimportance of material things. That's one of my favourite messages! lol
I'm not in the least saying that you're materialistic. Just that he illustrated that point so well, maybe there's other good stuff in there.
Keep plugging away, Beautiful. We all believe in you.
Last lecture link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
i highly recommend that as well... or google Randy Pausch.
I know how hard life can be. How frustrating. how Head-against-brick-wall. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Try to focus on what you DO have - your health, your sanity, your family, your friends, some food to eat, a job... i know it's cheezy, but it's really easy to get wrapped up in what we don't have and somehow, harder to give as much credit/attention/time to the things that we DO have...
love you.
keep on keeping on.
Yeah, keep on fighting. But the principle is so wrong. No one with a full-time job in America should be struggling. That's not how it is suppose to be.
But I know you'll power through and make the best decisions for yourself. You're so committed to finding that goodness...don't give up!
xoxo
I need some of your beautiful energy honey.
You keep truckin' -
if it makes you feel any better....I'm a married woman in a rental and I'm feeling the same as you.
You are amazing my strong beautiful friend.
Wait a microsecond. You were being all supportive to me when I was suicidal, and yet you were going through this at the same time? Really? And I was so fucking self-centered that I didn't notice?
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