2011 Recap...

Well, here we are. December 31st, 2011.
I went back and read my last year's recap blog and found not too much difference. I was just starting the road to change, which I have faithfully stuck to the entire 2011. Much slower than I had hoped, but changing none the less. I won’t recap too much, as I usually blog about the highlights throughout the year.
This year started out lovely. I had a small PJ party at my house to bring in the New Year. 2 of my favorite ladies stayed over and we got bagels in our PJ's on New Year's Day. The next day, T and I headed up on a rainy day to Pasadena to look at all the floats from the parade. I was in rehearsals and opening up a show I hated - No Exit - making me question theater yet again. A group of us caught Tower of Power at Coach House which is always a phenomenal concert.
February brought the dreaded V-day, which must not have been too painful because I honestly can’t remember what I did. I was in a one night sketch show called "Love and Lack Thereof" which was a blast. Feb also brings my birthday. I hit 35, which I took a little harder than I expected. This has creeped up on me throughout the year. I had a great night tho, full of sushi fun and friends.
March brought a very important slap to the face. I came into 2011 wanting to work on changing my lifestyle and really trying to take a hard look at myself and what I could work on to finally find happiness. I've tried to quit smoking multiple times, but never actually succeeded. I found I was drinking much more throughout January and February, probably due to the fact that these are hard months for me. I don’t know why - maybe because it's usually cold, there's nothing exciting happening, V-day, my Bday, etc. Turning 35 as I mentioned was rough. Well...it all came to a head at the beginning of March. So the end of Feb/start of March I came down with what I like to refer to as the Death Flu. We've all had it. It's the cold/flu that knocks you flat on your ass for days, sometimes weeks. I had already been sick on and off as the year started with a mixture of stomach ailments and flus. We had planned a fun night out March 5th to see T in her one woman show, have dinner before and drinks after with the girls. I was crushed to be sick. I stayed home days before that and nursed myself trying to get well. The night came; I wasn’t even close to 100% but was feeling well enough to at least get out. The night brought too much drinking, and me smoking while I was still sick. At promptly 1am ish my voice left. And I mean left. I was in mid convo with people and it just stopped working. I have NEVER lost my voice like this. I laughed it off and went home realizing I'm probably just getting sicker and should get home, and oh did I. I vomited the whole next day, was hung-over and the sickness was worse than ever. I also couldnt talk. It took me weeks to recover from this, and over a week to get my voice back which was the weirdest thing ever. The slap in the face came when a photo was posted of me from that night. I saw how drunk I looked. I looked like one of those people in pictures I pity. I was mortified. But it's what I needed.
I quit smoking.
I'm not going to lie - I have a few more drinking binges after that, but they have since stopped. I have stopped that lifestyle. I can’t do it anymore. I'll still have drinks; I'll still stay out late once in a while, but no more smoking, no more over eating, no more getting drunk. And I did it! A cigarette has not touched my lips since that night. I'm still working on the eating thing, still have to be careful with the drinking thing, but it's already so much better.
April brought something else. April brought me Warrior Dash. I won’t go into detail, as I already have previously but this basically kick started my "Race Year". This also helped kick start me into staying active the rest of the year. I had so much fun, and this turned into a new drug for me. Perfectly timed as well since I'm killing my party lifestyle (Well hard core party lifestyle) and replacing it with this. April also brought Coachella - which again - no need for details but as always is an experience never to be forgotten.
May and June and July run together as this is when I got hooked on Groupon's and Living Social deals. I started signing up for all kinds of things - dance classes, workout classes, races, etc. It's what I need to stay fit, to stay active - VARIETY. This is also when I found Boxing Burn. It's a 2 night class through the city that I love. May always brings Doheny Blues Festival which is one of my favorites and my 1st ever performance in a burlesque show. Yup - I DANCED!!!! I also ditched my trainer since he wasn’t helping me out anymore and I'd rather spend my money elsewhere. He was a good kick start and help into getting me active again. This is also summer time which of course is my favorite. Anything outdoors and in the sun and I'm a happy girl. Bike riding, concerts in the parks, beach visits, etc. Such a great time of year.
August brought a plethora of races; I've blogged about every one, so I won’t go into details. I made it to the Fair this month with my dad and had our usual great time. (Although I think eating the food did me in). This is also when I attempted going back to school and tackling math and we all know where that led me.
September/October and November brought the holidays, sickness again, a mellow Halloween, my favorite race to date - the ROC Race and struggles.
Here we are on the last day of December. One bittersweet thing in this month was Theatre Uncut. It was a great political show full of some of the most talented actors. The reviews were amazing, the feedback was amazing and it was a show I was very proud of that needed to happen. With this show came some realizations about myself, people in my life and that certain politics affect me more than I thought. This show has also sparked more changes coming in my life. Christmas has come and gone. I'm not going to lie - it sucked. Christmas Eve was spent crying my eyes out over a bottle of wine alone. Christmas day brought family drama and more tears and the day after Xmas sent me crying my eyes out in a parking lot after leaving my dad’s. Yup - that nasty beast depression is looming, but don’t worry - it’s a fierce battle that I know I will conquer. I did try therapy a few months ago and didn’t care for the woman. I have an appointment with a new one next week. I will not take medication; I just need some guidance on how to kick this feeling out. I'm lonely. I know that. It's a good thing that I know that. I’m not in denial anymore. I'm also learning what hurts me most and doing my best to fight it. And not all the holidays were bad - I've had some time off and loved every second of it. Bike riding, working out, having dinner/drinks with friends. With the exception of the actual holiday it's been a decent month.
So I'm going into 2012 a little scared. Change is really hard. It's really scary. It's extremely painful. But I hope, oh do I hope, that this time next year I'll be writing about how far I've come. How happy I am. I'm working on patience. So here are the steps I'm taking. I'm writing them here so I have reference.
I'm not giving up on therapy. I'm going to continue working on the eating/drinking thing. I will continue my life as a “recovering smoker”. I have to stay active. I'm trying SO HARD to be more open to dating (But can I tell you how impossible it is to meet someone!). I’m going to be looking into a self-paced math class. I'd like to attempt that 365 days of writing book. If I do, I may start a separate blog for that. I’d like to hone my photography skills. I look forward to developing even stronger friendships with those friends who I love. The group has grown substantially smaller, but this is good. I want to keep changing for the better.
2012 - be good to me please. Come February we move into the Year of the Dragon. This is my year. I'm planning on great things.
Bring it.

Who am I...

I'm having a hard time figuring this out lately.
Since I moved back home in November of 2008, I've gone through some roller coaster phases. I fell into a pretty deep depression after the economy crashing, being unemployed and moving back home. Every time I tried to jump out of it I found myself drinking way too much, smoking way too much, and crying way too much.
A couple of pictures I saw of myself snapped me out of that.
I seem to move slowly when I try to make changes, and stumble a lot during the way. I tried to quit smoking and take better care of myself and failed. I had a better job now, I was starting to make a dent in the debt to move back out and fell down again. Car repairs. Illness. More drinking. More bad pictures. Smoking again. The start of this year seemed hopeful. I went into the New Year with a good attitude, but January and February are rough months for me. I fell down again. March was the last time I fell that hard.
I quit smoking March 5th.
I started exercising more to counter the not smoking.
When I started exercising I realized I was eating better and less.
I started really trying to figure myself out. This part has taken an odd turn.
I seem to have hit a wall. Theater is no longer a priority in my life. I still love it; I'll still act but not as much. I now pick and choose my projects.
I want to live an active lifestyle, but I don’t seem "active" enough to do so. Throw in my multiple injuries and screwy illnesses and I'm even less "active".
I have found I'm pretty decent at most things, but I'm not REALLY good at anything. This is where I feel I'm really missing something. I don’t have that "thing". So many people I know have found their "thing". Not me. I write, but I ramble mostly. I used to be a fantastic photographer, but I was old skool and shot black and white and developed it myself. This new world of digital and photo shopping and tricks, well I just don’t seem to fit in. I'm a decent actress, stronger at comedy then drama but none the less good? Not great. I can’t cook for shit, nor do I want to. Hate crafts. I've enjoyed being active again, and am super proud of the power I have back again. I'm super strong, but cardio challenged.
I think "What's my purpose?"
I have found out a few things I need to change about myself, but I don’t know how. I've realized I don’t have a tolerance for "weak" people. I never act on it, but they piss me off by no fault of their own except they are weak. I need to learn to let that go, but how? I have come to realize my constant seeking of approval from my father has affected me much worse than I thought. How do I deal with that? I see and read things about how horrible people are in our world and I lose it. I want to help the helpless (animals, children, and the elderly). They are not weak - they are helpless, and when someone hurts them I flip shit. I need to learn to fight this the right way, not get so angry and upset and let the "Irish" out.
How do I fix these things?
I've found some good things too. I'm actually not a negative person; I just have a hard time letting things go. If I can just learn to do that, I really think people will stop looking at me as negative. I have found I am good at entertaining. I make people feel better and laugh when they are down. I swear when someone laughs or smiles at something I caused, it’s a great feeling! I have also finally accepted and embraced that I'm a tomboy and feisty and have a mouth and will never be a delicate flower. I also take the time to enjoy the silly things, such as LOL Cats or DYAC. I love cute animal videos and cute animals in general. I'm embracing my dork for sure.
I did try therapy. I still may, but the gal I tried going to didn’t work out. I knew I made the right decision stopping when even she said she couldn’t help me.
Why am I writing all this here? I don’t know, maybe someone can give me some insight? I get inspired quickly and easily. I try to turn my envy into inspiration. I'm getting better at that.
I also have accepted that I am lonely. I want a companion. I don’t need to get married again, but I really want someone in my life. Don’t worry; this is a good thing because I was so closed off to the idea before. It's been so long, and I'm afraid of how long it's been. I signed up on an online dating site. Just a free one, due some nudging from friends to just see what it's like. I already don’t like it. It's weird an unnatural to me. I want to organically meet someone. Maybe I'm old fashioned that way.
I'm really trying. I'm really trying to improve myself. I try to talk less and listen more. (This is hard). I drink much less. I still have not touched a cigarette. I still exercise and keep the variety high. I don’t overeat any more. I try to think before I speak and walk away from things to cool off before regretting an action or word. I spend more time with family. I spend more time with fewer friends. I love more. I feel more. But it's just the tip. I know I have a long long way to go, and still have no idea who I am. I do feel confident I will find out, and I’m so excited to find out but I’m also impatient. :)