Monday, June 1, 2020

Final Lockdown Life...

It seems with things starting to open up again and the world exploding into even more unrest, I think it's time to stop the Lockdown Life Series.  It's just gotten to that point ya know?  That point where I'm so emotionally drained and just don't really know how to handle this anymore.

The statistics as of today:

Cases - 7.6 million
Deaths - 424,203

Cases -2.06 million
Deaths - 115.000

Cases -7,614
Deaths - 185


It's not improving.  It's not getting better.  It's just growing and growing.  Yet - apparently we're loosening restrictions.  States are opening up.  California is  opening up.  Dine in restaurants can now have dine in customers as long as they meet safety protocols.  Hair Salons have opened up - you gotta be masked and there's safety protocols.  Same with other types of businesses - I started my Physical Therapy back up again this week because I'm tired of being in so much pain.  They took my temp before I went in and we have to be masked up.  Gyms/Bars/Zoos/Aquariums opening up this week.  Disneyland just announced they're opening up July 17th.  There's all these safety protocols in place now - but to be honest it really seems like all of a sudden no one gives a fuck.

Our country is divided.  You have the extreme one side - shaming people for going out, for not wearing masks.  These people are still not leaving thier house screaming at others that they're killing people by going out.  Then there's the extreme other side which actually branches into 2 - the Conspiracy Theory folks that still think this whole thing is bullshit and we're all sheep.  Then there's the other branch of just the middle finger folk that are basically screaming that wearing masks is taking away their rights as Americans and fuck you we have to work and so what if people are going to die and they legit just don't care.  Then there's the majority of us in the middle.  Those of us who are still being careful, wearing our masks, following guidelines, practicing social distancing (Unless you have some family members that attack you with hugs no matter what you say), but we still go out - sparingly -  but are getting a bit stir crazy.

Then our world blew up again.  George Floyd was murdered by a police officer.  Yes - murdered.  They knelt on his neck while he screamed he couldn't breathe and they killed him.  This erupted the Black Lives Matter Movement again but this time around way more fierce and more support and basically our entire country took to the streets in protest and some parts of the world.  COVID-19 be damned.  Yes - people wore masks - but not everyone - so there ya go.  I don't know if this blew up so large because everyone is at wits end or what - but it does seem like FINALLY people are realizing that racism and police brutality exist and it needs to fucking stop already.  Please please please let this work this time.  Jesus  - it's a damn pandemic and people said fuck it and hit the streets.  It's time.

So here we are.  In world that's just plain fucked it seems.  2020 has chewed us up and spit us out and it's still not done with us.  I truly feel like the Murder Hornets flew around and went "Fuck this" and peaced out.

I want it over for so many reasons as we all do.  The fact that IT'S STILL KILLING PEOPLE.  The fact that if someone is dying in the hospital or a nursing home you can't be by their side.  But also because it's taken away our human contact.  We need this.  We find comfort in family and friends and those of us who are very affectionate people need that human contact and I miss it.  Our social aspect of life is taken away.  Yeah -  shit's opening up and you can sort of go out but it's weird and scary and honestly not all that fun.  Then there's the war between the anti maskers and maskers and so much political unrest.  Like more than usual.  It's exhausting.  Every day I wake up with my mind spinning and sometimes turns into anxiety attacks.  I'm fucking tired.  And I'm just me.  Everyone is battling and it just hurts my heart.

I don't know what the rest of this year is going to bring.  I hope to GAWD a vaccine is found before they say it will.  I hope to GAWD they find some kind of something to fight this fucking thing.  I hope to GAWD people realize to STOP BEING RACIST JACKASSES.  I hope to GAWD I can find it in myself to still be positive and spread kindness even though it seems so moot at this point.

I love you my friends.

I truly have enjoyed sharing my Lockdown Life Stories and I hope you enjoyed them.  It was one of the things that brought me joy.

Stay safe.  Stay Strong.  We'll do our best to stay positive.

 I think this is my favorite meme yet:

Friday, May 22, 2020

Life on Lockdown part 8 & 9...

I figured I'd combine a couple of weeks into one blog, because sadly it's not like anything is all that different.  Plus if you're one of my regular readers you know my life took a devastating turn this week and I had to say goodbye to my precious Tabitha.

So yeah.  Fuck 2020.  I want a redo.

The depressing stats for the 1st week of this blog:

Cases - 4,801,507
Deaths - 316,659

Cases -78,839
Deaths - 3,261

Cases -4,222
Deaths - 86

It's not getting better.  It's not slowing down.  And I really feel like we're not "flattening the curve".  I mean I guess OC is keeping the numbers down enough to not overflow the hospitals and what not but I really feel in order to feel like we're actually getting somewhere we actually have to see a decline right?  One of my dear friends is a nurse at Hoag and she's been dealing with alot of COVID-19 patients.  The good thing is she feels very confident in her hospital because none of the workers have gotten sick - yay!  But - they did see a spike in patients after all the protests last week.  Shocking.  That's what I'm worried about right now.  Is the fact that those who aren't taking this seriously and who don't give a fuck are the ones that are going to not let our economy get going again.  We can't start really re-opening and actually getting our lives back to a somewhat normal status until there's an actual decline and I don't see a decline until our numbers start going down rather than continuously going up.  I honestly don't know what to think anymore.  We were supposed to go to the Cubs Game this past Saturday.  Had talked of getting a hotel, making a weekend out of it.  Yeah.  Fuck.  I'm just going to continue to wear my mask when I go into stores (basically my once a week grocery store trip and my BevMo pick up) and continue to practice social distancing - which I fucking hate - but I'll do it.  It's such a fucked up time you guys.  It just keeps going with no end in sight.  But we roll on.  This particular week we did a get a few cool activities in even though my heart is healing.  So here we go.

Losing my girl killed me.  Like broke my heart and has left me empty and sad.  But 3 people instantly sent me love - mom, Terri and my friend Jen from work.  I swung by moms to pick up something and she had a bouquet of sunflowers for me.  Terri and Jen both had stunning bouquets sent to my house.  And of course the outpouring of love via social media and text and phone calls has been amazing.  I'm a lucky girl to have so many wonderful people in my life!

From mom and T

From Miss Jen
Sunday morning I needed to get out and just clear my head.  I went on a little mini solo hike.  There were a couple of caches nearby I hadn't been able to find and I thought - why not - and I found them!  The details of that will be in a later caching blog, but it brought me joy.  I also was able to have a moment of tears and quiet by myself at Robbers Peak which is rare lately because everyone is on the trails, but I got a few moments.

The view from the top

Pretty flower on the trail

Taking a minute
 Still loving the Chalk the Walk!

I got some good artists as neighbors
Over the week I somehow managed to bruise the shit out of myself.  My body is so torqued from my work at home setup which is what landed me at my moms - grabbing a card table to try to see if that helps me out.  My neck and back have been FUCKED.  But I also managed to totally wreck my wrist!  WTF?!?!?!

I swear I'm not being man handled
Remember a few Lockdown Blogs back I talked about giving a little TLC to my garden?  Well - I got a bloom!!!!  Didn't even know this would bloom!  Mom said it's a garlic plant!

Hi bloom!!!!
Still cooking.  One night we had Carne Asada Tacos.  OMG you guys - like so damn good!!!

Over the weekend I finally convinced Pat and Elise to do this Dreamcatcher DIY kit I had bought over a month ago.  You could make one biggie or 4 littles....well we thought it'd be cool if we each did one little (Elise did 2) and tie them to the biggie and hence - Family DreamCatcher which we hung in the hall so it can catch all our bad dreams.

Elise's 2 parter


All together as a family
Then on Sunday I pulled out the little boxes I had bought forever ago to paint as well as a couple of cool metal garden flowers my mom gave me!


Elise did 2 boxes and I did the black one

My flower
Sunday night found ourselves playing a few games of Clue.  One of my faves and one I seem to be weirdly good at!  At least tonight.

So that's part one of this two parter blog.


Part Two:
Same ol' same ol.  I totally forgot it was even Memorial Day because...well...Every day is the same.  Although I would say we should memorialize the almost 100K people we've lost and are continuing to lose to this fucking thing.

The NY Times Cover this week:

Stats a week later than above:

Cases -5.4 million
Deaths -345,000

Cases - 1,634,921
Deaths -91,941

Cases - 5,336
Deaths - 131

Quite a jump huh?  We had our highest "Death Day" just Wednesday.  Things are slowly starting to "re-open" so...yeah...doesn't really seem to be getting any better to me.  It seems so many more people are saying "Fuck it".  As I sit here typing this I can hear the zillion neighborhood kids playing with each other.  Earlier this week Pat's kid was playing with her friends after a school parade - so - I guess the social distancing is faltering.  I don't know what the hell to do.  My sister in law wanted to invite mom and us all over for a Memorial Day BBQ but I turned her down.  It just doesn't feel right to me.  My dad is going to be returning from Illinois with my Grandad and step brother next month - how am I not supposed to hug them?!?!?!  Will it be ok then?  My therapist said to do more social distance visits.  It's still so hard though when I see other people getting together and not "social distancing".  Why do they get to and I don't?  Are they more careless or am I being too paranoid? Our Lake Gregory trip is still on for 4th of July we go?  I'm still so unsure.  We wear masks everytime we go in places.  How can we go from that to opening back up and being normal?  It's not going to be normal...I know...but what's it going to be?  I'm pretty sure I'm still not even going to want to go out.  I hate this.  I wake up every morning spinning, lately recovering from anxiety dreams.  When is this all going to end?

Lori made us some more masks since it looks like we're going to be wearing them longer

So even a few days after I wrote the above paragraph - OC is allowing restaurants to open up for sit in dining.  That stunned me.  They have to have a bunch of safety protocols in place but still.  A lot of restaurants are not opening because they're uncomfortable still.  I don't blame them.  I'm not rushing into any.  Others are going to take a bit to open to get their protocols in place.  I just don't know what's going to happen.  It's required we wear masks everywhere now if you can't keep a 6 foot distance from the person and people are having a cow about it.  I'm so exhausted trying to figure out what's right and what's wrong.  I just want to sleep all the time.  I haven't been walking/exercising much this week because I'm just depressed. 

I picked up my baby girl's ashes this week.  I now have my little memorial to my girls.  I miss them so much.

Zoom stuff is saving me a bit.  One of our old professors from OCC is retiring.  A gal set it up so a bunch of old rep kids surprised him on his Zoom meeting with his current rep kids.  It was so rad!  There were like 100 people and he was totally overwhelmed.  It was very cool.

Page 1 of 7
His wife sent these pictures - so awesome

I'm so happy he was so touched!
 Of course I always love my Sunday girls Zoom happy hour.

 Chapman offered a yoga class one morning before work.

Oh boy
And every Friday Nancy Brink who is a reverend over at the Chapel at Chapman does a prayer thing.  I'm not religious at all, but she's so lovely and inspiring I like to go listen and see her sweet face.  I am spiritual though and I feel this is a truly healing thing to do for myself right now.

I love her
My friend Erika called me on Thursday.  We FaceTimed for a while then switched to just phone chatting.  We talked for around 2 hours.  It was a lift I needed and also made me realize I've got to reach out more.  I'm really missing my social circle.  Pat, Elise and I went over to The Hernadez clan's house and had a social distance visit in the backyard.  I also did another social distance visit at Taylor's Sun morning.  So I'm trying.

I got us some more projects from Dragonfly Shops and Gardens that we did this weekend.  Elise and I colored some pillows.  Then all three of us started painitng birdhouses, but realized they were a little more complicated and is going to turn into a two weekend project.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I don't think I can afford more projects right now. 

My pillow

Done...but still may color in the square part

Elise's finished product
Elise got a Pirate Birdhouse
Pat's going to do a camper and I get the flamingo!
We're still cooking.

Citrus Chicken Tacos!  Yum!
Elise likes to play stalker through the window.

So that's it.
Another couple of weeks gone by of this Bullshit but we're coping.  We're trying.  We're finding activities.  It's hard though.  The mental toll is rough. 

Hang in there my friends.  I still am.

Wednesday, May 13, 2020


In the middle of this awful situation our world and country are in, the universe decided to kick me right in the gut.

I've lost my other sweet girl.  I lost her sister NYE of 18/19 and this morning I lost my Tabitha.

I shared the story of the girls coming into my life on the blog I wrote for Tweaks so you can read that there.

Tomorrow would have been their 13th Birthday.

I'm absolutely heartbroken.

Tabitha was very different than her sister.  When Tweaks was around Tweaks was definitely the alpha but when I lost her Tabitha came into her own.  They were so teeny when I brought them home.  She wasn't as brave as her sister when it came to exploring but the 1st thing she found was my wine stash.


She grew into such a beautiful girl.  Sleek.  Black.  And I mean black.  Like not an ounce of color on her.  She looked straight off the Sheba Cat label.  My friend used to call her the Beautiful One.  And she knew it.

She loved to perch.  If I was in a chair she wanted to be behind and above me.

Always looking over my shoulder
She was a huge fan of the sunshine.  If there was a sunny spot she was in it.  Hot days - she didn't care - she basked in it.

She also loved to be in odd positions.  She'd roll around on her back and twist and turn.  I could scratch her tummy but strategically.  I was the only one she'd allow to do that.  She loved her kitty yoga.

She would roll facing the wall and attack it
She was also a fan of tubs.  She loved to hop into the tub or shower after I was done and paw around and drink the water.

She was my little burrower.  She would burrow under everything.  She loved to be snug as a bug in a rug.  At night she would gently paw at my face when she was ready to burrow under the covers to sleep.  It was like my own personal little heater.

When I moved in with my boyfriend I was having so much anxiety about how she was going to respond.  She adapted brilliantly and loved it.  She pretty much stayed upstairs but would come explore downstairs once in a while.

Enjoying the view

Demanding pets
She was my little queen.  She was spoiled and ruled the roost.

She loved to play.  She would do what I like to call the cat ballet when they grab toys and fling them up in the air in crazy dance moves.  She was a talker.  She would scream at you if you weren't paying attention to her or she was hungry.  She loved lunchmeat.  She used to spring straight up into the air from a sleeping or sitting position just because.  Sometimes I thought she was on drugs.  She was always the sketchier of the two and a bit of a scaredy cat but  she seemed to get brave after we lost her sister.

We had many naps together
She slept with me every night.  Curled up against me under the covers.  She didn't like to be held but she loved to sit in my lap or sit up against me.

She was your typical cat - loved to sleep, play, purr and eat.  But she did it with flair because she was a princess.

Last week she seemed to lose her appetite.  I took her in immediately and tests looked good.  She went back in for an ultrasound and that's when I was given the devastating news.  She had a tumor and it had spread.  There was no cure.  They could remove it but it would only buy her a little time since it had already spread.  They sent me home with a steroid to try to get her eating, it had been a week.  She just deteriorated and wasn't my happy girl anymore.  I could tell she was so uncomfortable and wanted to eat but couldn't.  I made the heartbreaking decision this morning.  Since we're in this fucking COVID-19 world they can't do housecalls.  So Pat drove me to the vet and my dear friend Susan met me there.  She's a vet tech and had been advising me all week.  She went into the room with me and held me why I fell apart saying goodbye to my girl.  For the 1st time I didn't mind working from home so I was able to be with her so much more.

Our last night together

The last picture of my sweet girl
My girls were my babies.  I loved them so very much.  They both have been through so much with me, but Tabitha even more - making the big move in with the boyfriend and kiddo and a dog.  My heart is breaking but I'm so thankful for the support around me and the time I had with her.  We love them so hard and their time with us is just too short.  Rest in Purrs my sweet sweet girl.