2008 Year...

2008 is comin to a close and time to look back and review the good and the bad. This year started off pretty good, but then unfortunatly ended on a bad note, but - I'm still tryin my hardest to stay positive and I am confident that 2009 is going to be great! So here we go:
January:
The biggest highlight here is Beirut. This was a play I was in love with the first time I read it. I fell in love with the story, the rawness, how real it was, and the innocent love these two people had for each other. I brought it to Dave as a passion project and he agreed to direct, loving the play as well. We brought Alex in as my co-lead both of us trusting he could carry the role and I've worked with him before and he and I have history together and are good friends, so the chemistry we needed was there. We put it up as a 2nd stage at Rude Guerrilla not expecting it to do very well, but wanting to do it none the less. We brought Rick in for the creepy guard - again someone I adore and trust. Alexander stepped in to AD and stage manage and we had our perfect crew. The show turned out to be amazing, got fantastic reviews and we sold out our last weekend. It ended up being one of the best shows at RG that season. When the show closed, Dave and I both teary eyed and proud - hugged each other. It was a bitter sweet ending, because I loved the show so much, it turned out just how I wanted, challenged me and Alex as actors and was a huge success!
February:
My birthday month! I honestly cant remember what I did on my actual birthday....anyone? But T and I were in planning for Club J.E.T.
March:
Club J.E.T. - This was our piceses celebration for me, Erika and Terri at Bistro 400. T and I got together and planned a "Red" party. We had passed hors'de'voures, everyone wore red, the Bistro decorated the entire place with lights and red decor, we had faboo DJ Sergio, a giant picture of us 3 girls and over 150 people came and went throughout the evening. It seriously ended up being the party of the year. Us 3 girls wore tiara's all night and felt like 3 princesses - Yup the Piceses Princesses. Everyone had a blast! A handful of us ended the evening at 3am at a 24 hour Taco joint in downtown Santa Ana. Happy Birthday to us! Also in March was Jess's bridal shower - a lovely tea lunch at this adorable tea house in Fullerton. The girls all dolled up, we had mini sandwiches and wine - it was a ball.
April:
The biggie in here was Jess's wedding to Mr. Lamprinos! T and I formed team TJ and realized we are seriously kick ass bridesmaids. The wedding was beautiful as was the bride - I wrote an entire blog on the evening back in April - so check it out. April also brought Coachella. This was my 1st time in attendance and I showed up for Sat and Sun spending the weekend with Terri, Jenni and Roy. Absolutley amazing - again - blogged about that back then so take a read.
May:
I participated in the AIDS walk at Anaheim Stadium and my walking buddies were Court and my sis-in-law. I raised almost $600 and was so proud to take part in this event. May 17th Dad, T and I attended the Doheny Blues Festival - as per usual - fan-fucking-tastic! We became new fans of Johnny Lang and listened to killer blues all day in the hot sun, drinking and eating the day away! The last part of May I went with the Bistro Boys to Havasu for 5 days. The trip had its ups and downs but for the most part was a blast - separate blog on that as well!
June:
Dad I and went to the Playboy Jazz Festival - Tower of Power of course being our main draw. The entire thing was phenominal - separate blog there. This was also the month Shane and D threw a masquerade party in honor of thier 30th birthdays. Melita painted my face up with a fantastic mask and Rose and I had a blast being our sassy selves as usual! The end of the month is when Jess set me up on my very 1st blind date and I met the boy whom shockingly enough I'm still dating to this day :)
July:
Had a great little 4th of July gathering. Rose came over and cooked us up a ridiculously amazing meal and we all stuffed our faces, drank and had a fabulous time - kiddie pool and all. The major highlight of this month was my trip to Decatur/Chicago with Dad, Lori and Jon. I am eternally grateful Dad and Lori gave me this opportunity to take a week long trip I'll never forget - that one has day by day blogs you can check out.
August:
Brought us the Tai/Parker wedding - a fabulous day - Team Red kickin ass. Beautiful wedding, reception and after party! At the end of the month the boy took me to a wine resort in Temecula where we had a fantastic time - separate blog on that. Then at the end of the month T, Jenni and Amber joined me in a weekend away to Vegas - sadly I was sick the whole time but still had fun! Another blog there.
September:
Took a few days down in San Clemente with mom at our time share - always love going there. The boy took me to Flogging Molly and they rocked it!
October:
Haunt, Gogol Bordello, Tower of Power - all have thier own blogs - fantastic times! I also got to experience the Universal Haunt - which was a great night. Of course this month also brought on my Halloween Party at moms - huge success as usual!
November/December:
Sadly this is when the year started going downhill - Papa had a stroke before Halloween (He's ok now), Opera Pacific went under causing me to move back home with mom, and the depression and stress really set in. I'm not going to go into any detail here as you've all probably read the long list of upsetting blogs at that time. Christmas Day was fantastic tho - I do plan on writing a separate blog on that and I've been taking it day by day.
In addition to the month by month breakdown - I have to mention some other highlights: Summer Concerts in the park with T and Ber, ANTM nights, drinks out with friends, new music, new shows, watching history be made when Obama became president, taking a film class, our Prop 8 PSA, fantastic photo shoots, watching my kitties get bigger and crazier! So the year was mostly good - thats for sure. The economy and my life taking a nasty turn but I'm truly hoping that this will open up new doors and opportunites for me in the year 2009.
I wish you all a year of happiness - we need it!
Happy New Year everyone!

Christmas Memories...

Well, lets just say this is not quite where I expected to be come this Christmas. Moved back in with mom. No job. No future. Lots of stress. Economy in the shitter. Merry fuckin Christmas right? Well - Right! Its hard, I'm fighting depression but this blog is about the good - I came home last weekend to the smell of cookies baking. Mom was making her annual Xmas Cookies. It smelled so good. I walked in to find my sis-in-law decorating the gingerbread men. We put a few decorations this year, got a small tree. Family and a few friends are coming over tomorow. We got lil gifts for each other. Nothing much. I'm really looking foward to it tho. Last night as I drove home from rehearsal I drove through Old Towne Orange to look at the lights - and Pine/Palm street (mom had told me to drive by) was amazing! The entire street glows. Apparently this street does this every year - I drove through twice, my eyes glistening with the sweet memory of how much I love Christmas lights. I felt like a kid again. The wonderment, giddiness, innocence. So here's a blog of Christmas Memories. Happy Christmas Everyone!

• My parents got divorced when I was very young, but that didnt stop my dad from being here every Christmas morning for years. Shane and I would have to stay in our rooms while he came in with all his presents. One of my favorite years was when Shane and I were hittin the teenage years and we still had to do this. My bro and I sat in my room laughing and rolling our eyes saying we cant believe we still have to do this - but of course loving every second.


• I heard Santa and his reindeer a few years. These are the years my parents got really ambitious and would run up and down the side of our house with bells, I think they actually got on the roof a few times.


• When we would put up our Xmas lights - my brother would always make a giant peace sign on the roof - we started to get known for that. I miss it.


• My mom's coffee cake she'd make every Xmas morning. Honestly thats the only time I really like to eat coffee cake.


• The fact that Santa would visit us and fill our stockings at mom's, dad's and grandma and papa's. The bro and I thought we were so good!


• Mom's cookies of course. She makes cornflake things (Shane's fave), carmelitas, santa bars, shortbread, snowballs (Dad's fave - says they pouf in his mouth), snickerdoodles, etc etc.


• We used to go to Fashion Island and Roger's Gardens every year to look at the lights. We also used to go to Knotts Merry Farm and a place in Fountain Valley that a neighborhood went all out in decorations and lights.


• A Christmas Story playing 24 hours on TNT

• Decorating the Xmas tree, and remembering all my little ornaments

• Of course the pets always had stockings too...

And of course as I've gotten older some of these have changed - I'm going to leave out the married Xmas years because those memories are now tainted, but I created a few new ones the past few years.

• Santa still visiting me and Coyan and filling our stockings Xmas morning


• Watching Christmas movies all through December


• Visiting the Snoopy House on Albert/Santa Ana Ave


• Decorating my own house


• My annual Christmas Eve party that was always so bitter sweet


• Coyan and my Xmas card

Now I'm changing again, I'm back home with mom and new memories will be made. Dont ever take these memories for granted, you never know when they'll change yet again. Happy Holidays!!!

Moon Goddess...

Last nite and tonite I've heard the moon is larger then ever. In my wine haze, depression fog I wander outside and stare at the moon. Its so bright. I stare and see the blue haze that surrounds it, like a firey ring. The stars dim in its brightness. I txt the boy, I'm sure if he's awake he thinks silly sentimental fool. I txt some of my ladies, they may think me silly but also understand. One of my lovley ladies also wrote a blog yesterday about the same thing. My grandma told me today how she and her dear friend she used to camp with would always go out and look at the moon. The others would laugh and call them silly, but they would always go together and look at the moon. She called me tonite, leaving me a msg saying to go out and look at the moon. Her and Papa were going out a few times to just stare. Its stunning. Have you ever noticed how different your shadow looks in the moons light? Almost disfigured, somewhat hazy, distraught, the moons shadow. So much different then the suns. She's a quiet magnificent light, shining down on us night owls saying all will be alright. Its so much more silent. The night sounds mysterious and full. So bright. I can see her face looking down upon my gaping stare. Sigh. So beautiful. So silent. Its breathtaking. I toast her and she dances around my wine glass, taunting. I play with my shadows. Listen to the night air. The night creatures. At one point they all stop, silent, staring up into her glory. Moments like these. Peaceful moments like these. I embrace them. I need them. I thank the Moon Goddess tonight. Thank you.

F the Po-Po...

I dont like cops. I never have. I rarely have had a run in with one when they haven't been a complete ass or power hungry or whatever. I'm not saying all cops are pricks, but I have yet to meet a nice one thats for sure.
I seem to remember I've had most problems with cops in the city I'm now living in again with mom. I had another example today. I'm going to let it go but I had to blog a small rant about it.
I'm sitting at the light on Walnut/Tustin. A cop is 2 cars behind me and in the left hand turn lane. Light turns green, I head straight. I notice the cop pulls out of the left lane and follows behind the car behind me. The car behind me turns. The cop follows me and turns on his lights. I'm thinking "What the hell did I do?" My registration isnt due until next month. I'm not speeding. I'm not on my cellphone. WTF.
He walks up to my window and says "Nice to see your now wearing your seatbelt". I'm baffled. Little side note here: I ALWAYS wear my seatbelt. Ever since I grew up with Mom/Dad both saying the second my brother and I would sit down in the car "Put on your seatbelt!". Its seriously imbeded in my head. Its habit. I always - get in my car - put on my seatbelt - start the engine and head out. ALWAYS.
So. I'm baffled. "I was wearing it" I say. "Not when you were at the light at Tustin/Walnut" he says. I'm getting irritated because I was and I'm thinking how the hell do you argue with a cop. "Yes I was" I say again. Mind you I'm being very polite, just a bit confused. I'm wearing a hat and a fluffy coat...maybe the dude didnt THINK I was wearing it or didnt see it due to the coat fluffyness (Note to self, dont drive with this coat on again...), but I was. I hand him my license and open my glove box to get my registration. "Its ok, I dont need your registration". I'm starting to think - this dipshit totally made a mistake and wont admit it. He then rattles off these questions: "Have you ever gotten a ticket" "No" I say "Never?!" he says. "No" I say. "Have you ever been arrested, been in jail, on probation". To of course I answer all no's. He then asks if I live in the city. (Of course my license still has the old addy on there). "I do now" I say, "I moved back a few weeks ago". "Let me verify you, then you'll be on your way". He goes to the car with my license and I'm sitting there stewing. He's a young cop, probably very very new to the job. He has a horrible weird tooth sticking out and is wearing those lame "I'm a badass" cop glasses. I want to jump out of my car and shout "You made a mistake you stupid little child!!! Admit it!". I dont. He comes back, gives me my license and says "Your lucky".
Oh lord. Let me tell you....This was one of those moments I had to bite my tongue. I'm not very good at doing this, especially when I'm already annoyed because I did nothing wrong and he fucked up but then he says "Your Lucky?" I'M LUCKY!!!!! I'M LUCKY YOU ASSHOLE! YOUR THE ONE THAT IS A FUCKING MORON AND CANT SEE THAT I HAD MY SEATBELT ON! Of course I dont say this. I just say "Thank you" through gritted teeth and fume the rest of the way home.
WTF was that all about? Did he need to feel manly? Does he have a small penis? Did he want to feel powerful cuz he was a cop? Did he think I was cute and pulled me over to check me out then realized how old I was and thought differently? He obviously mistakenly thought I wasnt wearing my seat belt then realized his mistake but would not admit it.
What pisses me off also, is what if he did write me up? How the hell could I prove that I was not in the wrong at all??!!! This douchebag could have fucked up my lil no ticket record which I'm very proud of! No he didnt, but still. Talk about irritating.
Welcome back home Jami. Jesus.

Downtown Orange Circle Christmas

Back to where I grew up...

I was 21 years old (I think...) or 22 when I moved out of my mom's house and into a little townhome in Costa Mesa thinking I was marrying the man of my dreams and starting a life together. May of 2004 I left that life, and moved with my roomie into our adorable little bungalow on the other side of Costa Mesa. Last weekend I moved back to Orange into my old bedroom in my old house with my mom.
Lib - my best friend for years and years - the gal I used to get in trouble with, the gal who went to Hell and back with me, the gal who used to live right around the corner from me - came by with her beautiful daughter. She sat in my room with me looking around at the boxes and mess and laughed. "This is fucking weird man!" she says. Mom stands in the doorway chuckling. "Remember all the heavy metal posters that covered my wall?" I said as I made silly faces to the little one. "I think I had more Poison ones, but you were the Motley Crue fantatic" Lib said laughing again. Right then the flood of memories came back. My bad years, my black years, the years of a strung out teenager. I looked around the room remembering the black decor, the posters EVERYWHERE, the drum set, everything. I look around now and its the reminants of my grown up life crammed into my little bedroom I grew up in.
Monday morning I took a walk. I wandered the streets I used to walk as a kid. Passed my old elementary school, past the area (not sure which house it was) that me and this gal named Belami would go after school and her mom would make us snacks, past the house where my girl scout leader lived, past the house my friend Jeff lived in whose house we'd toliet paper numerous times - even the bush I dove in to hide from the cops one nite is still there. I passed the street my dear friend Robin lived on, then past the house where the other Robin lived - I stared at the window we used to climb out of to hang out with our boyfriends. I passed Tim's house - we used to play and our families were friends and he got into trouble and I never knew what happened to him. Then I passed Ronnie's house, the boy I always had a crush on, who used to walk me home and his mom had boy scout meetings that my brother would go to and I would tag along. I passed the "Candyman's" house - the poor old man who was rumored to give poison candy to kids, past the house Ronnie and I swear was haunted. Then as I walked back up Walnut looking towards my street - remembering looking down this street so many years of my childhood life - when I was little, when I was sneaking home, when I was sad, when I was excited. Glancing down the street where Lib lived, and all the boys we used to get in trouble with - it looks so different.
I'm now trying to find all the places I'll need around here since its changed so much. Where's the sushi restaurants, the liquor stores, the grocery stores, Target, BevMo, Petco. Trying to get my bearings back. Trying to reajust to living in Orange.
People take for granted how used to you get to a city. You learn all the hot spots, the local hangouts, the good bars, the mom and pop places. Then you come back and its all different. I knew Costa Mesa so well, I used to know Orange so well. Now its all new.
This transition is hard. Its not my home anymore. My girls still wont venture out of the bedroom due to fear of Smokie (Mom's harmless, deaf pug who snorts). I dont know where anything is. Its strange. I'm scared. The effects of unemployment are hitting. Yes, I have time now to do all my creative things - especially since finding a job is nearly impossible right now - but its hard. I dont feel like myself. I feel lost. I know its only day 3 of being here by myself, but you know me...I get antsy fast.
Its weird folks. Fucking weird.

Its all comin to a head...

These last few weeks have been tough. Today is the 1st day I'm physically feeling it. The nagging twinge in my lower right side of my back, the throbbing bruises, the exhaustion.
I'm leaving most of my furniture/appliances/kitchenware to the roomie. No need for me to take it and he can use it. When the time comes I'll sell it to him, toss it or store it. Most likely the 1st two. There's really nothing I want to keep anymore.
I spent a day climbing like a monkey on my counter tops, going thru all my cabinets, packing up most my wine glasses, my coffee mugs, shot glasses. Leave the plates, the silverware all the cookware. I took my wine opener and left him one as well. I spent another day going through the living room, all the drawers, the computer desk - taking my candles, kitch, random things I love. My pictures. Thanks to Rose/Mel - my garage was cleaned out and organized. I took all my Halloween decoration to mom's. I"ve made a total of about 8 or 9 trips to mom's by myself, my truck loaded with boxes. Lifting, moving, feeling like the all powerful woman I think myself to be, but not feeling like it currently.
I went thru my backyard and took the more girly yard decor. I gave alot of plants to Rose, and Sharyn and Stephen. There's a few left here roomie promises not to kill.
I made $72 at my impromtu garage sale last Saturday. Thanks to Rose showin up before the sun came up and being one of the best wheeler/dealers I've ever seen. Mom came later and we loaded the remains into my truck and I took it to Salvation Army.
I purchased a 2nd kitty carrier so I can transport the girls at the same time. They worry me most. I hope they adapt and are ok.
T came over today and we packed up my bedroom. All my books, kitch, hats, random shit. We laughed at the ridiculous amount of mini gift books I have and of course hats. "I've gotten rid of some of my beanies, I swear!".
I called utilties today and switched them over to roomies name. My room is full of boxes and echoy and bare now. The big move is Friday. I have 5 trucks if all show up, I'm hoping we can do it in one trip. I'll get the room somewhat set up, then come back to Costa Mesa to get the girls. Saturday I'll come back again to take the last load to Salvation Army, to go to the cable company store with roomie to switch it over, and to vacume and clean my empty room so new roomie can move in.
I sat down on the couch tonight and cried. I wrote a blog on myspace and cried. Its starting to hit me. I've lived in Costa Mesa for 10 years. I worked at Opera Pacific for 10 years. I've had a job since I was 12. I'm starting over.
Its scary. Its exciting. Its sad. I'm having so many different emotions right now my head feels like its going to explode. I have plans. My grandparents desparately need me right now. I'm going to help mom get her life somewhat on track too. Family is priority. We're helping each other. Once I'm settled, I'll be signing up on all kinds of casting websites, hitting up my contacts, starting to network and really try to audition and find an agent. I want to take some writing classes so I can actually try to write a book. I forgot how much I loved photography until I was packing up my ridiculous amount of photography books, all my old photos and portfolios I started years back. Now I have a beautiful new camera I need to learn and start again. I'll eventually hit the pavement and get another day job, but not yet. Its bad times anyway. Hiring freezes, layoffs, shitty economy. No one is safe and nothing is stable. The entertainment industry is still booming tho, so why not try now. And thats what I'm going to do.
But I"ll tell ya readers - I'm so sad, and I'm going to miss this place so much. I"ve had ups and downs with the roomie. I'll miss him dearly, and he'll miss me. I love this little bungalow. I love that I can walk to sushi, liquor store or more. I love that I can ride my bike to the beach. I love that Costa Mesa is the cutest little city. I loved having my own place. I've been independant for over 10 years. Yes - this is temporary - but its still hard as hell and it rips at my heart strings. I'll cry alot more the next few days I"m sure. But its ok. I'm crying away the old life, and starting my new one. Its my time now. Its time for Jami to flourish and dammit - do I intend to!

One more thing...

Ok, I really do need to keep bloggin about this shit, because its not getting to the point of so fucking ridiculous its becoming almost amusing. God love my friends too. T's phone call last nite, M's comment on my facebook - "WTF Universe! Leave Jami alone!". I laughed harder then I've laughed in a while reading that one. NO shit right??!!!
So last night I"m driving home from a day taking care of gramma & papa (Helping them out is going to be stressfull/interesting/and will probably make for some good bloggin later....). I'm on the 55fwy, talking to my mom. I'm tired, stressed...something catches my eye - "CHECK GAGES". I noticed my temp gage is in the red. I of course look about 10 more times to make sure I"m seeing it right. I hang up with mom - and honest to god - I think I had my 1st panic attack.
Little side note - I hate cars. I dont understand them. They scare me. When shit goes wrong with cars I hate it. This is where I admit - I am not independant and very very girly - cars. They are big giant creatures with engines and wires and could blow up or catch fire made of tin, etc etc. Maybe this stems from my 1996 car accident but I HATE CARS. They freak me out.
I'm in the fast lane of course, so I'm starting to panic thinking my car is going to literally catch fire. I hear my dad's voice over and over in my head "Dont ever drive when your car is overheating!!!" (My mom, god love her, drove all the way home once smoking and I guess majorly f-ed up her pinto) I finally get over to the side of the Bristol onramp. I'm shaking, heart racing, stomach hurting.
I call mom. I swear I revert back to child hood sometimes. I'm talking to her as cars are whooshing past me. (Please let them seem my hazards blinking!!!) She tells me to hang up and get the hell off the fwy. I do realize I'm in a very dangerous spot. So I start my car up and drive off the fwy, shaking and praying my car doesnt catch fire. I pull off into the 1st parking lot I can - E*Trade. I hop out my car and smell burning.
I call AAA - they cant fix it or look at it but they'll tow it. Fine. The nice man comes and tows my car home. "Bad Night eh?" he asks. "You dont even know the half of it" I mutter. As we drive to my house in his giant tow truck, my little chevy bouncing behind us. "So what else is happenin with you thats so bad?" He asks. "I got laid off Friday from my job I worked at for 10 years.". "Oh man! I'm so sorry!" We then go into the usual discussion of how shitty our economy is, and how many other people we know that are getting laid off, etc.
He drops my car off, my neighbor comes up to me..."Your battery again!!??" (Side note - about a month ago in the midst of all this job shit, I had a AAA day literally - car dying 3 times, man putting new battery in half of one Saturday, my neighbors of course watching). "No - it overheated". She says she'll drive me around from now on. Ha ha.
I come inside, my stomach reeling. The boy calls, he's sympathetic, T calls totally cheers me up. I feel better, I take a bath, I take a big breath and quietly ask the Universe - "Please, please dont throw me anymore".
So - just had my little baby towed to the Chevy Dealer - lets hope for a cheap fix eh?

Fuzzy/Foggy/Forward...

Yesterday was my 1st day getting up and not having a job. Ever. Its weird. Its weird today.
I filed for unemployment yesterday, paid some bills. 10 days from now I get another application that I then have to apparently mail back. All I hope is I can make it to that 1st unemployment check. I have nightmares about moving, working, so much. My mind is full of a million things. I'm moving forward but its fuzzy and foggy and weird. I'm moving home with mom. I'm trying to schedule times with friends, siblings to help me with the process. Help with organizing, help with moving, help with wrapping my head around the whole thing. Its weird. I figured I'd pause a second and blog part of whats going thru my head.
I need to tackle the garage. I dont even know whats out there. Most will be thrown away or set up for a garage sale. Oh - I have to have a garage sale. I need to get some cash so I'll have change when people come hopefully buy my junk. When should I have a sale? Every weekend until I leave? Maybe just Sat. Hell whenever I actually do it. I'm going to leave my Xmas and Halloween decorations. Maybe roomie will want to use them. Thats all I want to leave in that garage.
My house, most stays - on loan basically to roomie. I will take my antique table tho. I dont trust it with boys. Everything else will probably stay, no need to pay for storage. Roomie can use it anyway. Jesus I didnt realize that 98% of whats in this place is mine. I have to move my room - everything in there. I have to figure out how to make it fit into a room half its size. Lord. I'll need a vacume that works so I can leave it clean for the new roomie who will take my place.
I'm so worried about the girls. They are going to freak out. They've never met a dog - Smokie is harmless, but still. Mom has another cat too - mostly outside but still. I'll have to really watch them more due to the fact that over protective mommy keeps them indoors. They may be locked in my old bedroom often. I hope they adapt ok. I'm so worried.
I've emailed fellow actor friends who are pursuing the LA scene. I've gotten info, advice, setting up times to meet with them to pick thier brains and give this a whirl for a few months. Of course this is all pending that umemployment will cover my bills.
Gramma is already dependent on me. I was assuming it'd be after I move home. No. They need me now. I'm taking Papa to the Dr. today actually. I think Gramma wants me to run errands for her tomorow. I'm going to have to figure all this out.
I've got to get off book for my show Love Song. I havent even looked at the script. I have the smallest part! Yet I havent even picked it up. I have to get on that. Now.
I've given Sharyn all the RG board stuff, this is good. I did that last nite - that is one thing off my chest. One less worry. I'm giving alot of plants to her and Ludwig - I think they'll take good care of them and it'll add to thier garden and I wont be here to tend to them.
I dont know when I'm actually going to move - maybe Nov 29? Whatcha all doin that day? I want to be ready to just move stuff over - then I"ll stay there. My last nite in my little bungalow in Costa Mesa that I"ve loved so much. Its going to be hard. Its going to be weird. It already is.
The whole last week at OP I felt like I was in a bad dream. Felt surreal, felt weird. That still hasnt gone away. Its just so strange. I just feel strange.
I believe I"m handling it surprisingly well tho. I havent cried as much as I thought. Just been worried and I'm so tired because I cant sleep at all because my mind is going going going. I think of little stupid things. SO much. I"m trying to make this good. Make this positive. Make this less difficult. I'm ignoring the fact that I'm giving up my independance. Its only temporary. Thank GAWD I have a mom whose like a best friend. Thank GAWD living with her wont make me want to kill myself. She's great, it'll be fun, it'll be temporary.
This will be my break. This is the life change I"ve been wanting. Godammit it better all work out!

The party...

One of our bosses invites us over to her house Thursday night as a sort of "Goodbye" party. Sounds awful right? It is.
I'm the 3rd to arrive. I give her the 2 bottles of wine I just picked up at High Times. Her house is amazing. Huge, beautiful. She explains all the redecorating they've done, how this used to be a garage and is now a family room, etc etc. I'm starting to not really feel too bad for her being laid off....I think she'll be fine. I meet her 2 lovely dogs. She's telling me about the house, I"m downing my wine. Everyone else starts to arrive.
Its awkward. Of course it is. We all stand around drinking and trying to make conversation. Mostly talking jobs, what people are doing now, etc. I realize only 1 other employee has a couple of interviews lined up. Seems like the rest of us are just fucked. I start asking 2 of them about the unemployment process. It sounds dreadful and long. Great. I'll be doing this on Monday.
I find myself chatting with our prez and his wife. They've been to a couple of RG shows, so I'm filling them in on my next one and the upcoming Our Town. The conversation then takes a wicked turn. He's livid. He starts ripping on a couple of the board members and how they could have saved us and politics got in the way and on and on and on. I cant blame his anger - hell I agree with him. But it hurt to hear. I had known, but it was sad. This board member I thought was one of our saving graces, someone who cared about us, etc. I find out all these years its not true. We almost got completley nothing. It was a couple of other board members that got us to hold off a bit so we could go down gracefully and at least get our vacation paid out. Jesus. He's so angry.
I move on to another conversation, finding myself babbling about nothing. I"m asked how it is at work right now. I tell people how quiet and weird and miserable and surreal it is. I then find myself in the kitchen with the production boys. There's about 4 of us, we stay together the rest of the night. Drinking alot. We go outside, smoke and bitch and laugh. We're out there when the party is coming to an end a little before 10pm. I run in and get my purse saying my goodnights and thank yous.
5 of us girls end up talking in the street for another half hour. I'm babbling thru my wine haze, we're all just shocked and sad and tired. We all promise to keep in touch. We've all exchanged emails. Etc Etc Etc.
The whole night was so strange. There was anger, laughter, tears, shock. This is such an odd situation. A company thats been around since 1986 or so. An opera company. We are (or were) one of the top 20 opera companies in the US. This is a horrid death. So many people are now jobless and shocked and sad and hurt. Its just so odd.
I come home realizing I'll never see most of these people again.

The Last Days...

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.
Monday night the staff filed into the board meeting and heard the words we were all dreading. A couple of respected board members pleaded with the others to raise even more money so the company could at least go down gracefully. I got up and walked out. I felt the eyes on my back as I stormed out of the rehearsal room, shoes clocking hollowly. I went outside. I was shocked. I didnt understand. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Another co-worker came out, livid. "We get nothing!!! We get fucking nothing!!!" She leaves. My heart sinks, I start to cry. I make a few calls. I hear another co-worker on his phone near me. "I"m out of a job! I dont know what I"m going to do!" he shouts into his phone. Its all so surreal. That night I dont sleep well, I'm sick to my stomach and have nightmares. Tomorow is my last day.
Tuesday morning we all file into the middle room for the awful staff meeting. Our prez looks horrible. He tells us what most of us heard last nite. He chokes up. Another boss invites us to her house Thur nite for a pizza party, but cant get the entire sentence out due to her choking up. The other 2 bosses lower thier heads, tears falling onto the table. Some of the staff sniffles, its silent and weird for a few moments. Prez tells us how fucked we are. But then prez also tells us that one of our donors will be paying us each 2 weeks pay - as a personal gift. No write off for him, no nothing. This makes me cry. At least one of our board members cares. Prez explains when we get our final checks to cash them immediatley. Jesus. We all return to our desks and begin to pack up our personal stuff. It amazes me how 10 years fits into one little box. E and I wait and wait, then my boss says "You two are actually coming back tomorow". Oh. We get our checks and fly to the bank. We go to a different branch then the other staff members apparently. We feel like criminals while cashing our checks. It becomes somewhat funny. My gal looks closely at the check "Opera Pacific?" she says? "Oh god," I think "She knows, their going to stop us an not give us our money!" She goes into a story about someone I work with, and starts just chatting the afternoon away. I smile and nod and try to be pleasant but the whole time I"m just praying for her to give me my cash. E finishes and we bolt out the door. "That was horrrifying!" E shouts. "I know!!!". We return to the office and hear the even funnier story of about 10 employees going to the same branch at the same time. Thank goodness the bank just looked the other way I suppose. We meet with our health insurance lady who gives us individual options. She brings us suckers. She tells us she's had more situations like this in the past few months then in her entire career. Ugh. Fucking economy. I leave with my box of belongings. I come home and watch the elections. Its so strange, I havent even thought about them. Our last day is the same day as the elections. WTF. Its strange. I then watch history made when Obama becomes president. Yet I'm numb. Election reaction blog later. That night I dont sleep eithier, nightmares again, sick to my stomach now thinking Wed is my last day.
Wed is weird. There is now only a skeletal staff there. 8 of us. 3 bosses, 5 staff. Its quiet. Its bare, no more pictures, personal stuff, its sooooo quiet. E and I look at each other and no words are needed, we understand. Its hit the press, calls are coming in. E cant answer the phone till she can knows what the next step is. I get mailings prepared, reports run. We then wait. And wait. I cancel my Dr. appt. We wait. Its like sitting in a tomb waiting. Bosses are in meetings, we wait. My boss comes up to me again. "You guys are here tomorow....maybe Fri too". Jesus. E and I leave. That night I sleep a bit better, because I know my last day is now Fri.
Thursday, again so much waiting around. We're waiting for the letters we need to mail out to our people. E has been dealing with phone calls so gracefully, explaining that people will get a letter explaining what to do with tix, etc. I"ve got the tax letters done and out, just need my letter. Its so quiet. Its honestly like a bad dream. It doesnt feel real. I call my landlord, explain the situation, I cry when he tells me what a great tenant I've been. I leave for lunch, I go to my favorite place and bring the food back to my favorite park. I eat alone for the last time, staring out at the lake, watching the ducks, eating my fave sandwich. This was a normal lunch for me. I loved eating at this park. I drive away feeling a pang in my heart. I return to the office. I"m back tomorow for the last time. We lose 2 more staff members. Tonite is the pizza party - that will be another blog. That night I again dont sleep, have nightmares and sick to my stomach. Tomorow really is my last day.
Friday comes theres now just 6 of us. I"m so tired and emotionally raw. We all find ourselves in one persons office at one point, and I shout "Its the whole staff!!!" trying to lighten the mood. We laugh. We finally have our letters and we start the process. We're all on auto pilot. We get to a point where I have to leave to drop off at the post office. This will be it. My boss gives me my final paperwork. She hugs me so tightly crying so hard. She trys to talk but cant. I cry into her shoulder. She finally steps back and looks at me. "Do you know how amazing you are?! You do know this right!!!?" I just nod thru my tears. She hugs me again. I pull away and say "You'll be calling me next week". She laughs. 3 will remain next week, but they've all said I"ll be getting calls needing help. E said she may call just to put me on speaker to have someone to talk too. I smile and go to my desk and close up. As I walk away I stop and stare at my little corner. 10 Years. I feel it. I feel it for the 1st time. This is it.
I drive away to the post office, fighting tears. I then go to the bank to cash my final check. The woman smiles at me sympathetically and explains her "OHM" necklace, asking if I know what that means. I go home. After a couple of calls, I cry. I cry for a long time. I've been invited to go out to a few different events, but I bow out of all. I cry again. I need tonite. Tonite to grieve.
Roomie comes home. I"m on the couch. Numb. He trys to chat, I barely answer. He does the dishes. This makes me laugh, I know he's trying to help. I go thru half a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I finish off all my wine. Roomie puts in "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia". "Your going to love this", he says "Its funny and we're going to watch it and laugh". We do. I think we watch about 5 episodes. I do love it and its hilarious. We chat, laugh, I now have a wine fuzz and a tummy ache from chips and ice cream. I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.
Its Sat morning.
Its over.

While waiting for the axe to fall...

Well today is strange.
Barber of Seville closed on Saturday. We are not of course to move foward with anything. Our bosses are in a meeting. There's a big board meeting tonite to decide. Its like today we're all on hold. I'm assuming tomorow we'll come into work to a big meeting with a big announcement. Please pray that I get severance. Right now that seems to be the only thing I can hope for.
So I reached my limit on Friday.
You all know and have read whats been going on with OP the past month or so. How dreadful its been working here, not knowing, etc etc. So there's that.
I have not found another job. It seems like the entire world is on a hiring freeze. I apply for jobs I'm absolutley perfect for and I dont get it. So folks it looks like this 32 year old divorcee thats still paying off the ex-asshole's debt, who wants to be an artist, who fought and tried so godamn hard for all these years is moving back home with mom.
I have lost my battle.
This hurts. It hurts alot.
I want people to understand - this isnt just a "Losing my job". This is a job I've had for 10 years. This is causing me to move back home with my mom. This is causing me to completly uproot my life. I dont even want to begin to think about the actual process of moving from my adorable little bungalow in Costa Mesa to one room in Orange in mom's house. Oh - with my 2 cats by the way.
Not only is the whole thing suck - but just being here. I'm listening to my coworker on the phone right this second talking to moving companies because she's having to move to Nashville. I would honestly never wish anyone to go through something like this.
My Papa had a stroke on Thursday. He's 93. I love him so much it makes my heart ache when I think it. Mom and I were at the hospital Thursday and Friday. I hate seeing him like that. So weak. So confused. This is Papa. This is the man made of steel. He's home now and doing ok, but Thur/Fri were hard.
I was sitting in the hospital room with mom and papa. Mom was starting to fret about the party and how were we going to get it together in time. Mom stayed at grandma's house last nite to be with her. She made a few of the items for the party. While we were sitting there she got a call from grandma's caregiver (A lovely woman who comes by a couple of days a week). She threw away mom's jello brain. She thought it was a bad mold. She apologized profusely. Mom hung up and started crying. I watched her lose it. I watched her reach her limit. Thats when alot of you got the global txt from me asking to bring snacks along with you to the party.
Grandma and Robin (Caregiver) arrived at the hospital. Mom and I left to see what we could get done. 2 hours later we got a call that Papa was released. Thank God. He's ok, but we're keeping an eye on him.
This sent Mom and I into a turmoil of trying to get ready for the party. Shane helped, mom's friend came over as well. We ran around but we got it done.
There was a point I sat down. I took a long drag of my cig. I reached my limit. I felt like I was on drugs. Nothing was real. I felt fuzzy. My emotions are raw. I feel like an open wound that cant quite heal.
Melita arrives, makeup begins, party begins - I forget for a while. So many people brought food, everyone looked fabulous, we all had a wonderful time. People checked in with me, hugged me, asked how I was. I never talked about it, never got to into it. I couldnt. I'd lose it. At 3am I checked on the boy past out in the extra room - soon to be mine again. I spent about an hour cleaning up. Not thinking. When I laid down I stared at the window. My old bedroom window. The window I grew up looking out of and I started to cry. I'll be looking out this window again soon. I cried and I cried. The boy didnt know, he was out. I didnt sleep at all.
When I got up Sat, my eyes ached. My head screamed in pain. My body was a mess. I've reached my limit.
I resigned from the RG board yesterday. It hurt my heart a bit to do so, but I had to with the uncertainty of my life. They understood. They'll miss me, but they understand. I'm not leaving the company tho and I have Love Song I'm starting to work on tonite. But board commitments are too much.
I've reached my limit.
I feel strange. I feel off. Its just not right.
Please dont tell me everything happens for a reason. Please dont tell me it will all work out. I know all this. But right now is not the time.
I consider myself a strong person. I know the universe wont ever give you more then you can handle. But please. I beg you. Dont give me anymore. I just cant take it.

Liveley Lunch...

So my lovely co-worker/friend and I decide to grab fast food and go to the park for lunch today. We talked about the state of the company and what the two of were going to be doing when this place goes down in flames. We arrive at the park down the street that has an big lake and lots of ducks. I've gone here alot over the past 10 years. My other co-worker/dear friend of mine R used to eat here all the time. I thought of her as we pulled up. We get a table under the trees in the shade and are surrounded by ducks. Now, usually these feathered friends are in the lake but today they were all around us. We did have a momentary flash of the Hitchcock flick "The Birds", but they seemed to be uninterested in us. Except for one little black bird. It looked like a miniture raven. He was the loudest little fucker and made the most bizzare sounds I've ever heard come out of a bird. He hopped around us and picked fights with the ducks. At one point I hear E shout "Shoo!" Apparently our little friend landed next to her on the bench. We laughed, but kept a wary eye on him the rest of the lunch. I moved over to a rock next to the table to have stress cig, and not blow my bad habit her way. We chatted some more about the opera and the sadness of it all.
All of a sudden we hear this snap/crackle/pop noise, that sounded quite similar to fireworks, that came from the trees above. I'm starting to turn my head up in what seemed like slow motion to see what the noise was and then I hear E screaming "Move! Move! Move!". Trusting my friend I just leaped up off the rock and ran towards her as she leaped up from the table and was darting away. We turned in time to see a giant tree branch come crashing down behind the rock. I mean a HUGE branch. Like half the size of the damn tree itself. Neither of us would have been crushed if we hadnt hopped up - I may have been brushed by the end of it - but still. Scared the hell out of both of us. We laughed a little shakily, wondering what the hell happened. There was no wind, no birds up there or nothing. It was just as if the tree gave way to its lost arm. Maybe this was a sign of our company coming crashing down.....
:)

Stompin Positivity...

Its so damn hard to try to stay positive right now. I'm starting to think that I should stop reading CNN and newspapers online. I read about assasination plots, white supremisists threating to kill a bunch of people, Jennifer Hudsons family murdered, the hateful comments from Yes on 8 people. JESUS CHRIST! What is wrong with our world!!!??? Our economy is so bad right now. No one is buying, no one is spending, no one is doing anything because everyone is terrified. I havent talked to one person whose said "Yup - I'm totally fine". I listened this weekend to a retired friend who went on about how hurt he got in the stocks. He may have to come out of retirement. I listened to another say she's not retiring now like she'd planned because she cant. People's jobs are gone. Hell you all know my situation. We're hangin by a thread. No decision has been made yet, but we had the most depressing meeting today. No one is hiring. I'm completely and totally fucked. Its like a snowball of hatred and sadness. I see For Sale signs and Forclosures all over the place. I'm watching buisness's that have been around going under - Mervyns, 3 day blinds, the opera, etc etc etc. Its not stopping. Its exhausting. I've had nightmares for the past month. I'm grasping on to the good, I'm trying so hard to maybe not be positive but at least not be depressed. It gets harder and harder and I dont know how much longer I can hold on. So I try to write. I try to get it out. I'll write about the good now.
This last weekend was Drag Bingo. We actually did a lot better then expected. 75 or so were out on Sat nite including my family and the boy. Watching my father bury his face in Iona Trailer's chest while Donna Matrix whipped him was a highlight. All night the queens picked on my family and the boy and they all did so well. The poor boy, I know he was mortified but he did so good. I cant wait to see the pictures when we were called up for a "Couples Spanking". Everyone I talked to had a great time. I was so glad. I had a nice dinner with the fam last nite - it did take an emotional turn unfortunatly due to the fact that I think all is starting to get to me now and I lose it at the drop of a hat. I'm auditioning for Love Song tonite. I expressed my concern to my mom about "What if I do this show, then I move in with you! Wont that be too much for me to handle???!!!" She said "Well - I'll be there to run lines with you". That eased my concern. Hopefully I can get onstage again and at least be able to throw myself into my art in the middle of this economic/life crash. I have my Halloween bash on Friday. We're expecting so many people. Its going to be ridiculous. I cant wait.
I'm trying so hard. I'm hanging on the best I can. Its all I can do. Its all any of us can do.

(Memoir) Seedy Eve...

I get a call from my friend C. He's in town from NYC and wants to grab a drink - fantastic! I've missed him terribly. We meet at Claim Jumper's bar for drinks. As we start to catch up on life, here comes Enrique. "This is a friend of mine from when I worked at Z-Tejas a while back". Enrique is a large gentleman with thick dark brown hair and a thick mustache. We say hello, and he buys another round of drinks. Sweet! We all wander outside to smoke. C whispers in my ear as Enrique wanders off to make an erratic phone call. "He's one of the head drug cartel guys from Mexico". I laugh. Bullshit. "I'm serious! He came into work one time showing us a picture of his brother on the front page of the Times above a story about a huge bust!". I glance over and Enrique's phone conversation has gotten more heated. Whatever.
A few min later, he re-joins us saying "Lets go to another bar!" and as he turns around a large black SUV pulls up with tinted windows and he climbs in, motioning for C and I to join. Oh hell no. C swears its fine, but I say I'll follow in my own vehicle. I haven't had too much to drink yet so I should be fine. We drive just down the street to Bristol. This little bar I never even knew was there. As we walk in, we're greeted by an older asian man who bows and leads us to a corner of the bar. The place is very very dim. I cant see much of whats going on around me, but no big - we're bar bound. As we sit down food is brought to us immediatly. Little snacky foods of things I cant identify. The bartender asks what we want - I order wine - since I'm being a good girl and not mixing and thats what I was having earlier. Enrique says "Bring her a bottle!". Oh no no no I say. C tells me to let him buy me what he wants, this is how he is and it'd be an insult not too. I agree. The bartender brings over - not a normal size wine bottle - but one of those gigantic bottles that dont even look real. Good lord no! I cant drink all that! "Its ok" Enrique says "Look at that wall over there, you just put your name on it and its yours whever you come back". I look to my right and there's a giant wall with half filled bottles of alcohol and people's named scrawled across them. So I succumb and start drinking my keg of wine. C and I start catching up again, yapping and drinking and laughing. I cant help but notice out of the corner of my eye - Enrique talking secretive things to the owner. It doesnt look like the conversation is going well. Every now and again a lovely young asian gal would come up to us and ask if we were ok.
Too much wine later, I'm startled when Enrique leaps to his feet and exclaims we're going somewhere else. C grabs my arm and we follow. "But I'm not done with my wine, and I haven't paid and our scary snacks are still there and the owner is following us out and...." C says not to worry and I'm shuffled into the black SUV that has magically appeared again. "We may come back later" Enrique says as if to assure me. I've now made the mistake of having enuff to drink where things are somewhat fuzzy and my reactions are a bit too slow. Because now I find myself in the back of this black SUV with tinted windows driven by a very large man whose eyes are shaded by his cap and from what I can see of his face it looks scarred and angry. C looks at me with eyes brimming with excitment - "Nights like this are always interesting!" We pull away from the bar and I'm told we're going to pick up another friend whom I do know - K. We drive all the way to Orange, pick up K who hops in the back and laughs at the look of mortification on my face. "You never know whats going to happen on nights with Enrique" he says excitedly. Are you fucking kidding me!!?? We drive back to Costa Mesa and pull into a shopping center that looks all closed up. I mean it is like 1am after all. We pile out and walk up to a door. They knock. I'm thinking - are we that drunk that we're now knocking on doors that are obviously empty? Oh no. It opens and an older asian man bows and leads us down stairs. We round the corner and are now in a underground karoke bar. WTF! We're seated at a booth and immediatly brought booze, food and about 3 or 4 lovely asian women join us. C and K tell me to relax. I figure fine, its just a karaoke bar. So I drink and snack (apparently if I dont its an insult, but I'm trying to nurse it at this point). We're there about an hour or so - C sings some karaoke, I laugh and try to figure out what the hell is happening. I make a comment that we havent seen Enrique this whole time....before I finish the sentence here he is at the top of the stairs hollering at us to come on. I'm starting to fish in my wallet to pay and C grabs me and says no just go...."But I haven't paid!" "Enrique will take care of it" he says and drags me up the stairs in into the god forsaken SUV again. The owner and Enrique are chatting heatedly about something as we're shoved into the car.
We head back to Bristol. Ok...at least we're going where my car is. Not that I'm in any condition to drive - but I can sleep in the damn thing if I need to. We roll back in around 3 or 4 am I want to say, back to our spot at the bar with our snacks and my keg o' wine. I'm now chatting with K and C is chatting up one of the lovely asian gals. A while later he turns to me beaming saying "Kiwi" is going to take him home. Kiwi smiles shyly at me and draws me a picture. I look at C - he says "She's drawing you a picture of where she lives and where I live - I guess we're really close!" I look at her drawing of a childlike map and she excitedly points to the X's I'm assuming are her house and C's. She then asks me to show her where mine is. I draw a picture of a cat instead. She laughs a bit confused (arent we all at this point) and they head out. I look at K. He smiles. "It's alright" he says. Enrique hops up and annouces he's got some biz to take care of and goes in back. My head is full of fuzz and clouds from too much drink, snacks and confusion. The lights start to come up in the bar. I start to look around now that I can see. There's a man at a table with a little asian gal on his lap, laughing. 2 tables over there's another guy with an asian gal kissing. At the other end of the bar is 2 guys with 2 asian gals talking very intimatly. As I survey the place, this is all I see. I turn to K - "Are we in a brothel????!!!!!" He laughs and tells me its no big deal. "I have to get out of here!" I jump up, K follows and I stumble out the door. The owner and 3 asian gals follow us out thanking us and bowing to us. "Please dont bow, please stop" I plead as I struggle to get out the front door. I get into my car, with K and peel out of there. I drop him off at home and return to my own. I feel dirty. How the hell do I end up in these random situations. Lord.

Nothing much...

Thats what I feel like.
Its quiet here right now. The overwhelming feeling of impending doom. When? I'm guessing end of the month - maybe a little into November. Then what?
I sent my resume out Friday. Havent heard a thing. I have nightmares everynight. Last nights were exceptionally bad. My stomach isnt happy today. I'm constantly tired. Eyes sting. Sigh.
So many random thoughts, random actions. I honestly think I'm just waiting for something to happen that will then determine my next move. I hate this suspended feeling. Like I'm hanging from a trapeze and waiting to see if I'll be caught or if I'll fall. Waiting. Wondering.

I made him a little photo montage of our winery trip. It hasnt arrived in the mail yet, I honestly dont even think he'll like it. He's not sentimental. I did it anyway. I wish I could be non sentimental sometimes. Not compassionate. Not emotional. But alas no. I'm an artist. A bleeding heart artist at that. Emotion and passion and sentiment is in my makeup.

I read blogs today. I'm sad that Pool will not be happening now, and that Revengers may now move to October. Maybe its better. I want to do Love Song, but with my scary future maybe its best thats all I do right now. Whats going to happen?

I woke up so many times last night. I woke up crying. I woke up breathless. I dreamed my teeth fell out. I dreamed my car broke again. I dreamed I wouldnt stop bleeding. I dreamed of a girl who was for McCain and going to vote yes on 8 and I screamed at her and she said she was confused and didnt know what to think and I screamed at her for being ignorant and to learn. I dreamed he left me. He said I was useless and broke and had no direction.

My thoughts are so random so busy today. I figured I'd blog it out, but it seems this blog is just as wonky as my head. I guess thats ok. I'm so tired. So spacey. So odd.

He's drinking so much more. He's doing stupid things. Its getting harder and harder. Maybe moving back home will be something. Something new. A fresh start? But to give up my independance? I'm sure it wont be for long, but still. Can I do it? Me and the girls, where will we go? Whats going to happen!? Thats the thing - thats what I go back to constantly. What does the future hold? Whats the next step? Its not all mapped out for me. I dont want to want that but I do. At least some things. Some.

Good things...good things.....I got my costume. Yes Jess its a slutty Marie Antoinette. But its pink! Its pink and pretty and I love it. I'm borrowing Kali's wig and Melita will do my neck - lots of blood! So I may have on a shorty little dress - but it'll be so fun, so creative! So I'll look cute yet get my bloody Halloween violence in there. The party is going to be huge if all come who say. Mom went all out. The house looks so amazing. Look for the little things. We have prizes, fun foods, its going to be good.

Thats actually the only good right now....the uncertainty hurts. It mucks up everything else. I want to write a book. A book of memoirs. Could I do it? I've read Sedaris and Burroughs and thats all they do! They wrote books of memoirs and thier funny! Could I do that? I want to play with my camera. Why cant I make it as the careers I want? Why cant I be a succesfull actor/photographer/writer? I got so comfortable here. Job security. Benefits. Now its gone. What now? I dont have a degree. I'm a fucking artist. For some reason I dont have that gene that goes to school to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer. I went to school and couldnt focus. Didnt finish. Now look at me. 32 years old. Divorced. I want to take back my 20's. Maybe actually go to college. Not ever get married. Where would I be now?

Good things...good things....shit...what do I got - Love Song? I will love to get onstage again. I want to see some shows - Night of the Living Dead, Jess's little comedy, Luva's next show.....Maybe others. I'm going to the dentist today - you'd think thats bad, but its better then being here at work. Being here listening and feeling the sadness. Plus its mom. I'll see mom, maybe I'll stay down there tonight. Visit. I dont know. I dont have much I can come up with....

I want to be ok with all of this. I'm doing better then I would have before. I'm fighting the depression I really am. I dont want anyone to tell me that "When a door closes another opens" or "Something good will come out of this" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "this is just a new opportunity". I know all that I do I really do I swear. But your not in my shoes. You dont know how scared I am. How terrified I am. How sick I'm getting. I'm mostly scared. Scared of the uncertain.

Numb...

Its interesting to me the way emotions work.
When something horrible happens everything becomes numb. Surreal. Weird. You become an emotional roller coaster. Sad. Angry. Numb. Laughing to distract. Depressed.
This is where I am right now. It made me remember how I felt when I've had things like this happen in the past. I felt the same way.
When I was in high school I had a woman I became close too. She was my neighbor. I used to babysit her kids. We became very close. She was killed on Thanksgiving Day in a car accident along with the baby she was 7 months pregnant with. I remember the phone ringing while mom and I were in the garage. My mom answered the phone and I watched her face go white, her eyes welled up with tears and she turned and looked at me. My heart dropped. She hung up the phone and told me that Kim had been killed. I remember it felt like I got hit in the chest with a brick. Everything got foggy and dreamlike and I collasped to the floor in tears. I remember my mom hugging me, but nothing after that. I just remember flashes of sadness, her funeral, things that would remind me of her. I remember crying over her grave many years after that.
The morning I decided to leave Mark was another time. I remember finding his bag he said he'd left at work containing all the outstanding bills totaling well over $1,000.00. I remember standing in the kitchen in our townhome at 6:45am calling him and asking to explain. He told me he hadnt had a job in 3 months. He lied again. This was the 3rd time. I told him I was leaving and I hung up. I remember walking out onto the patio, my life spinning around me. I collasped onto the pavement and called my mom. My neighbor was blasting "Comfortably Numb" by Lincoln Park over and over again after a fight she had just had with her mother. I remember finding that ironic. I remember how numb I felt. How it seemed so surreal. I remember in a fog packing, paperwork, crying, changing my life, etc.
Here I am again. This is a different blow. My job. My job of 10 years. My security. Its slipping out from under me. Things change by the minute here. People are walking around in a haze, depressed, worried. This week was when I felt that blow by blow by blow and right now I feel so numb. Its surreal again. "They wont sign my contracts" someone tells me. "Dont batch that check, we're not depositing it yet". Its going, hell it may end next week. I feel my chest tighten. I'm sitting at my desk right now feeling like I'm in a bad dream. I cant think. I'm numb.
Its so strange how we react. The defensive mode our body's go into. The release of grief through tears. The feeling that your body just stops feeling, and goes numb.

Dear those responsible...

Fuck you economy. Fuck you OP board. Fuck those who hate the arts. Our company is going to go under and I blame you. This company I have worked for, for 10 years. This company I have loved and hated. This company that I have seen the ups and downs. Downs almost as bad as now. Downs when we were in danger of not getting paid. I've had 14 different bosses. I've been thru actually moving buildings with this company. I've been in 2 of the operas as an actor. I have watched things happen here that none of you would believe actually went down. My mom has worked as my assistant for a brief time. I've gotten friends jobs. I've made fantastic friends here. Opera is going to die. There will be no opera in Orange County!!! Dont you fucking care!!!???? This is not some little hobby that you rich fuckers supported. Being on this board was not a status/social club. This is an arts company. This is a company that puts on beautiful operas, with world reknown singers, operas that cost usually over a million dollars to put on! Your not just losing your little club or your little sad orphan puppy you supported. Your uprooting lives of people. Yes. Surprised? Are you actually surprised that human beings run this joint? Your going to send a 32 year old actor to move back home with her mom, completly changing her life. Your going to send a family back to the mid west. Your going to send an older widow to scrounge for another job. Your going to emotionally destroy someone who cares so deeply for this company that we cant even have a fucking conversation right now without breaking down. You did this!!!!!!!!!! We have fought and struggled and tried so hard to keep opera alive and we have finally lost that battle. No, its not public knowledge yet but people know. They feel it. We have brought new operas to you, re-vamped others, brought you the old standbys. We've had rave reviews. We've had singers that send shivers up your spine, music that fills your soul, sets that hurt your eyes with the stunning beauty, and so much more. Yet your killing it. I will admit - When I was 1st hired on as a temp for 3 months I thought opera was a boring, long form of art that I was just never going to get into. 10 years later I take it all back. I have seen singers that have brought me to tears. I have seen singers that give me goosebumps. I have heard music - live music - that is so beautiful I find myself holding my breath just so I dont miss a note. And your taking that all away from me and I hate you for it. I fucking hate that your uprooting my life. That your taking away my security, my benefits, my job. I hate that your taking away a magnificent art away from Orange County. So fuck you.

Its hitting....

Today is not a good day. I'm so sad, and my heart is heavy.
I talked to my boss. We will make it thru this opera that opens in a couple of weeks, but probably not after that. We only have a 5-10% chance of survival. So its real. The job I've had for 10 years. The opera thats been around since the early 80's. Its going to die. I'm so sad for so many reasons. Of course I'm going to be losing my job. But the people. The friends I've made. The security I've had. The benefits I've had. The fact that another arts company will bite the dust. I'm so sad. I've emailed some people about other possible jobs, but who knows. The thing is I'd probably be one of the last to go. I'd get some sort of severance. Should I ride it out? I'd move back home with mom if I did. I'd be 32 years old, moving back home. This is not where I saw myself at this age.
I'm not positive right now. I'm sick and tired of being positive. I'm sure there's a "Light at the end of the tunnel". I'm sure this "happens for a reason". Blah blah fucking blah. Not today. Today I am sad. Today I am bitter. Today I am not happy with our world or my state in it.
I have friends who I dont want to consider friends anymore. There's people I would like to cut out of my life because I'm sick and tired of thier bullshit. I'm done with being there for them constantly and never them being there for me. I try to please, I try to be sympathetic but I'm done. Life is falling apart right now - yes I know for everyone not just me - and I dont have any patience left. No positivity left. I dont even think I have any fight left.
Its perfect weather for it too. My least favorite of all. Cold and Windy. I've been battling my allergies all weekend - Sat/Sun being the worst. I feel horrible today. I'm sneezy, stuffy, dry as paper and cold. My nose is raw and sore. I've shocked so many things today I could probably start a fire with my fingers. I hate this. I hate the dry. Its so metalic and shitty in the air.
I'm sick of living in a situation that I'm not happy in. Living in a situation where I'm not treated with respect or consideration. Living in a situation where I"m not appreciated or cared about at all. Living in a situation where I do fucking everything and pay for fucking everything.
I'm sick of the politics. I know who I'm voting for. I know who I want to win. I dont want to hear, read, see anymore about it. Its upsetting and people are fucking stupid and over-sensitive and freaking out about EVERYTHING. I'm done. I'm soooooooooo done with it all.
I dreamed about my ex-husband last night. I woke up so angry. I will never ever be able to forgive that son of bitch. I cant believe he's getting away with what he did too, as if nothing ever happened. Like 7 years of my life just sort of vanished and all I have to show for it is his godamn debt. I fucking hate him for doing something to me that I obviously cant let go of for shit!
What the fuck! I have a beautiful new camera I want to learn how to play with. Yet, I'm so overwhelmed. I have a boy who missed me. Who digs me. Yet I'm so freaked out right now. I have those friends who are right there for me. Family who is right there for me. Yet I want to crawl in a hole and die.
Yes. This is a negative blog. Yes. This is a poor me blog. Yes I'm grateful for all the good things. Yes I know it could be worse. But you know what - right now it fucking sucks.

Live Music...

I have been so lucky the past 2 weeks. I have seen 3 bands that are fucking awesome live!!!! I've also been able to actually go, because other people paid for my tickets!!! Thanks to the boy and thanks to Daddy! I cant express enough to you readers how much I love love love good live music. I'm a huge music fan. I used to be a musician. I played piano for years and drums for even longer. I love to dance. I have a very open mind to music. There is very little I wont listen to. I absolutely love when you see raw talent onstage. Dad and I have gone to many blues festivals, jazz festivals, I've been to many many outdoor concerts and festivals, I've stumbled upon fantastic musicians in bars, clubs, on the street even!!! I love it. Music can fill up your soul. It can take you away. It can make you forget or remember. Music is life. I cant live without it. And I wont. Ever. I need it to breathe, to live, to be.

Anywhoo!

3 kick ass bands!!! Live!!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of weeks ago I saw Flogging Molly at the House of Blues in Anaheim. This is one of the boys all time favorite bands. Ah yes - here's why we get along....:) I'm definatly a fan of this style of Irish/Punky Fun! The American Wake, Dropkick Murphy's, etc - love them all. Flogging Molly is one of them. I had never seen them live before and they did not disappoint! The music was tight, the energy was high, they were hilarious, talented, fantastic! I would have danced/bounced so much more if not for my damn shitty shoes I wore. We had a nice little knook off to the left, near the downstairs bar. Got to see them very close up and loved every moment.

Last Thursday I saw Gogol Bordello at The Grove in Anaheim. Now, I had not been aware of these faboo nutballs until Coachella earlier this year. Scottie had raved about them, T had as well so we caught thier set in May and I was immediatly a fan. They do remind me - in a way - of the above mentioned bands with the energy and having so much fun onstage and the bouncy nature - but these guys are RIDICULOUS! Their music is deemed - Gypsy Punk. WTF is that you ask? Its good fucking times is what it is!!! This is one of those bands that you'd rather see live. Dont get me wrong, thier albums are great and fun, but seeing them live is a completely different experience. The boy and Ber had never seen or really heard of them, so I was so excited to see thier reactions. They were both floored. They are both now fans. The boy went out and bought a CD the next day. This crew has more energy then most humans. The singer is probably 85 pounds dripping wet, yet the dude hops around like a jack rabbit on speed with the guitar as big as he is. Thier encore was 40 fucking minutes long!!!!!! They never stop. I danced the entire concert. Bouncing and spinning...it was amazing. The boy and I separated ourselves from the mass in the middle and got a perfect place where we could see and I could dance and no one was smooshing me or spilling drinks on me. I never stopped goin....

Last night I saw one of my all time faves Tower of Power, also at The Grove in Anaheim. Thank you T for catching them - Dad, Lori and I last minute got dinner/tix. I have seen T.O.P. in concert probably more then 15 times or so. I've grown up listening to them. This year is thier 40th anniversary. Thats right. T.O.P. has been bringin you soul/funk for 40 fucking years!!!!!!! These cats have the tightest horn section you will EVER hear. LB has a vocal range that is unbelievable. They are the only band I know that can play the off beat as often as they do and with the precise perfection that they do. This time around we did the dinner first, then you stay at tables to watch the show. You dont get to dance around as much, but that doesnt stop us from bouncing around in our seats like fleas on crack. They have a new album coming out in January - which of course I cant wait to get my hands on. They played a few #'s from it and I'm already in love. These guys dance, fall to thier knees and RIP IT UP! The sax solo and piano solo were the highlights -as per usual. Those 2 guys (Tom Politzer & Roger Smith) are absolutley amazing. Larry Braggs tore up "Your Still a Young Man" (why the hell did I not take that opportunity that one time with him......). As they always do - Tower of Power was phenominal!

I love to watch bands that are super talented, that have fun onstage, that put on an amazing show and all 3 of these bands do just that and more. If any of you ever get a chance to see any of these bands live - do it. You wont be sorry - I gaurantee it!!!!

Simplicity...

Life is very overwhelming right now. Political whirlwinds. Economy crashing. Jobs hanging by a thread. So many stressed, worried, scared. It makes you appreciate the simple moments. I treasure them now. The moments that are nothing special. Just simple. Quiet. Blissful nothing.

I arrive before he gets home. I crawl into his bed in me birthday suit. I snuggle up with pillows and sheets. He walks in with the libations. He laughs. It gets hot and foggy and fuzzy and fun. We order pizza. Drink. Smoke. Very few clothing. Drink. Laugh. Chat. I help him pack. It gets hot and foggy and fuzzy and fun again. He's gone. Dreamland. He fought it like always. Wanting me to stay, refusing the sandman, but he always loses. I watch for a moment. He's a child again. Sleeping, dreaming, almost smiling. Years gone, a boy. I dress. I tidy. I close up. Not a stir. Soft kiss on the head, I slip out. I drive home, slowly. Its late. Altho I'm not alone on the road I feel isolated. Long drag, smoke spiraling, head tired. The lights whiz by in a blur. Its quiet. The air is salty - I taste the ocean. When I arrive home, I stand outside my truck for a moment, inhaling the heavy air. I hear nothing. Its so peaceful. I try to take that moment and lock it away to escape too when the world gets rough. When the world tears at my heart. When the world terrifies me.

Back. Life. Reading about the debates. Feeling the tension and sense of doom floating around my office. Wondering. Wondering. Worrying. Overwhelming. So tired. I look for that moment. I touch it. I smile.

Haunt...

Halloween is my favorite holiday.
I love all things that go with Halloween. I love horror movies (Roomie and I will be watchin them thru-out the month). I love Haunted Houses (I'll go to the free/cheap ones I can find). I love having a Halloween Party on Halloween - (Save the date bitches). I also love Knotts Halloween Haunt. I've gone every year since I can remember. Seriously. I've been going since I was like 10 or some shit. When I met Miss Jay - we share the same love - so we've gone together now probably about 4 or 5 years. Our group varies. But Miss Jay and I are the stalwarts. We're both kids at heart and kids who love Halloween and all its accessories, no matter how old we get. So - our annual trip was last nite.
There were a total of 10 of us this year. It was a little different. Its usually chilly and we wear scarves and beanies, its usually dark when we get there, I usually hook up with my off and on before or after the trip, sometimes it rains, its been the same for years.
This year it was hotter then Hates, bright as can be, no hook ups due to relationships, and did I mention HOOOOTTTT!
Anywhoo.
I arrive with the boys, Miss Jay arrives soon after, The Dormans roll up, Becky's late, but makes it. We head in to our Pre-Scare Dinner. Our oversized plastic cups await as do a few monsters cruisin around while we ate. We constantly check our phones for our last 3 late comers - my luva and Harris and his lady. We laugh, eat, take pictures. A monster growls at me attempting to startle me, instead Miss Jay jumps almost launching his deviled egg into the air. Miss Jay passes out his usual goodie bags for all of us. I swear this is one of my favorite parts!! I love his goodie bags! We get candy, halloween dish scrubbies, pencils and super balls this year! Yay!!!!
After a faboo dinner then a very frustrating time trying to get us all together with people rollin in late, we're finally all together and we hit the mazes.Jay is the biggest girl. Always has been. I love it. He shreaks and squeals and grips my arm tighter then any lover I've ever had, usually leaving marks. Harris's lady is new to our group and she's also quite the scardy cat. I'd say Roomie and I are totally immune, the rest getting a little scare here and there.

The monsters this year seem to still be getting thier bearings. They come a little too close too often. For some reason this is the year I get hit on by monsters. I had half dozen blow kisses at me, some blow in my ear, a bunch always in my face making little noises. They seemed to know I dont get scared, so they figured they'd get saucy instead. I even had one very concerned about my well being when I was trying to deal with the blisters forming on my heels. (Seriously - new fucking shoes, half the nite I was in dire pain - I finally bought myself $25 flip flops). Otherwise - the usual good times. Miss Jay only gave me one major injury - (He always seems too cuz he's such a jumpy fucker and I'm always the nearest) - just crushed my already beaten up foot at one point. Hey beats the bloody nose from the Queen Mary year right?!! Ha ha ha!

1st Maze - The Asylum - its cool, same as last year. 2nd Maze - Club Blood - this was a new one, very fun - similar to the old Vampyre one...but more goth/clubby - still hot tho. I"m sure I'll be going out of order here, but now its by memory....We did the Log Ride (Pyromaniac themed). Harris and his lady and me and my luva were in a log together. Lady shouted angrily the whole way, we laughed, we got soaked. Our keychain photo was cute so I bought it. We did the Mine Ride (Spider Maze). Lady hid in her boy's lap flipping out the whole time, I photographed it. The Labrynth Maze was new and very cool - wood nymphs, weird goat things - very cool - very fantasty/forestry like. Went to the Cannibal Maze - also new - this was pretty cool - lots of "Victims" crying and bloody and begging for us to help them. I appreciated the dramatic attempts. The Ax Manor maze was alright, same as last year - sadly we were behind some obnoxious drunk fellows. The Quaratine Maze - new this year and based on the upcoming movie, again they tried to be dramatic, nice - I have to side track and describe a hilarious moment. Miss Jay is our biggest scardy. He and I are in front, he walks into the maze - Luva calls out something to me - I stop and turn, as I turn back around the doors are closing with Miss Jay inside and the rest of us out. "Nooooooo! Jay!!!!" we all shout! The gal laughs and says we have to wait, our friend will have to survive w/o us. I cant describe to you how funny it was to see Miss Jay turning to see us being closed away from him. He done good tho. We played a game right after and I won him a stuffed pumpkin - he was quite happy. Harris, Becky and Luva decide to go on a wacky ride - Harris comes off dizzy, cant drink his water, Roomie photographs it, we all laugh. The Klown Kollege Maze is the same - fun and silly. Half the crew wont go in due to "Clown Fears". Dorman sends some clowns over to terrify Lady, she's not pleased - Harris calls em off. The 3-D Las Vegas maze is way fun - the 3 D is always good times, reminds me of my druggie days.....Another new maze - The Cornstalkers. I dont like this one. Its all fucking corn!! I start sneezing, the smell is weird, its just kinda lame. I then sneeze for the rest of the nite. We play a game. Harris wins a spider for his lady - I wanted that dammit! Harris and Lady head out - he's sneezy and tired and she's done. The 8 of us then watch The Hanging at 11pm with funnel cakes and punch. Its its usual campy silly fun. Becky gets offended and spends the rest of the show in the bar. I laugh. I wont spoil and say who gets hung so my fellow Haunt Whores can be surprised. We all re-unite. The Dorman's head out - preggo mama is tired. She did so good! Hopefully baby will remember that nite! Us remaining 6 go to the last and final maze - Alien Annialation. This is where you get laser guns and shoot the monsters and each other. We do our usual photo - and kick monster ass. It was much better this year - the monsters actually fall down and pretend to be hit. I got to kill this big giant white dragon thing. I felt like a badass. After this - 4 of us go on that crazy sidewinder roller coaster thing. While they do that - Miss Jay and I go and play another game. I win myself a stuffed cartoon zombie thing. I'm happy.

We all reunite, head to the lockers, gather our stuff and all head out. Happy, tired - like a bunch of little kids after an amusement park. I crash into bed at 2am.

San Clemente...

I'm going to blog now, and just ignore the fact that I'm back at work, and we may close our doors before the end of the year, leaving me jobless and moving back home. I'm going to ignore that and fuck working right now because I feel like whats the point. So - time to write about SC.

Wednesday morning I headed down and met up with mom at our time share in San Clemente. My grandparents purchased this about 5 years ago. We get 1 week a year down in San Clemente - the resorts being right on the corner where the pier is. So you basically cross the street and your on the beach. You overlook the ocean. They're beautiful. The only downfall is the train tracks and a station are also right there - so dont plan on sleeping to well....

So last week was our week. Wednesday was overcast and a bit chilly when I got down there. Mom and I visited, then the boy came down in the afternoon. The sun peeked out a bit, and the boy and I lounged on the beach. No suit for me, too cold, but nice to just nap on the towel. Wednesday night the 3 of us had dinner at my favorite spot - Fishermans Wharf - the sports grill side. We had yummy dinners, wine and a dessert the size of a large child. Thursday we all got up, had coffee on the balcony overlooking the ocean and the weather was perfect. Clear, warm, gorgeous. The boy and I went to the beach and sunbathed, slept, played in the water, walked the pier all day. Dinner again at Fishermans Wharf - this time just he & I, bucket of muscles, oysters, wine....Yummmmmmmy. He went back home. Mom and I watched Sweeney Todd.

Friday mom and I had plans for San Diego Wild Animal Park. We leave the cold, overcast San Clemente and arrive at the hot as fuck park. We pay to get in. (Way overpriced) and meander. I do see my favorite little Meerkats - we see Gorrillas - big ones - lots of birds. On to the tram ride. My little spot was in the sun the whole time. Fuck me. The tram chick never actually stopped so I never got to shoot any of the animals - not that it really mattered - the fuckers were so far away. You can pay an assload extra to take these other "tours" that put you a bit closer. Whatever. Mom and I were a bit annoyed. So we finish that and try to cover the park. Next stop we thought it'd be fun to go to feed the Lorkeets. Well, mom did. I'm not much of a bird person to be perfectly honest with you. I noticed the little girl inside and she couldnt get any of them to come to her. So I figured, it wont be so bad. NO. We go in and my mom has the little cup of nector - they fly at her. Then they fly at me! I have no nector you fuckers! I mean like 5-10 of these little birds attacking you. Mom gives me the nector because she's getting mauled. I squeal out of pure terror. She laughs and snaps photos. I give the nector back to her. The birds dont realize this and still fly at me. One lands on my head. I'm squealing and shreaking to get it off!!!! Needless to say - this was probably one of my most brilliant comic performances known to date. At least my mother thought so.

I'd like to point out something here.San Diego Wild Animal Park is ENORMOUS. I respect this, animals not in cages, its more of a reserve, etc etc. But warn a person!!!!!!!!!! We hiked uphills, downhills, sweating, bitching, dying to get to a clearing where the animals were never to be found. They were eithier sleeping or hiding. We got completly looped out at one point, I tried to put on sunblock and literally it leaped out of my hand and down a hill in which of course I had to stumble down to get. Everytime you saw a fellow dumbass like ourselves on this walk - they'd be sweating, bitching, dying as well. Noone was happy. Oh and the map they give you - fucking retarded. Dont bother. Every corner you turned another poor sap and his family is staring at the map in utter confusion - so at least we werent alone. We get some lunch. Its raining whatever the hell is falling off the trees into our food. Then a bee - A very angry determined bee - wants my lunch. He dives into my $7 diet coke and drowns. I had gotten one sip. Awesome. So after a long day. A very long day, mom and I head out - had fun but very dissappointed.

Next stop Carlsbad Outlet. My mother is insane. She still wanted to shop. So we did. This was fun, we found some good deals on things. We had a blast, but my feet were screaming with agony as were hers. We head back to our time share and collaspe in the jacuzzi. Perfect. So nice. Saturday I wake up and its cold and overcast. I mean COLD! I'm a bit dissappointed, but its still so nice. The boy comes down, but we never leave the room. He's watching football, mom and I visit on the balcony. Freezing. Saturday nite I head home a little earlier then planned, but nice because I'm able to get a few things done.

All in all it was a lovely few days. So nice to get away. So nice to not think. So nice to forget about the world crumbling around me.

Economy Slap...

I might lose my job.
Just typing that sentence scares me. The Opera is struggling. No suprise there. But now that the economy has taken a downward spiral at a nerveracking quick pace, we're really struggling. I see the signs. I've been here for 10 years and been in this situation a few times before. I notice the tension, the closed doors, the whispers. We had a meeting today trying to calm any fears when we hear we're selling our building. Calm any fears that the powers that be are really trying and making the efforts and doing everything they possible can to save us. Even our chairmen came in. His speech made most feel at ease. It made me cry inside. I can read between the lines of what he said. I see the looks on the faces of our higher ups. I know. We're fucked. Alot of our big time supporters got slammed recently with the crashing stocks and market and economy. They'll be ok yes - but the organizations they support will suffer. Thats us. Thats my job. Thats my income.
In the same breath, a friend of mine is getting a promotion. Another friend of mine got a fat bonus last month. Another friend of mine got a bonus this week. Another friend of mine got a fat bonus today. I want to celebrate this good news. I want to be happy and go get drinks and dinner and celebrate saying "You've deserved it! You've worked so hard! Congradulations! I'm so happy for you!". All that is true, it is, but sadly my selfish nature cant be happy. Instead I cant celebrate. I'm scared. All I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep and wake up and this all be a bad dream. I wake up and our economy is flourishing. Gas prices are low. Etc. Etc. Etc. I figured writing this out a bit, would help a bit. It does.
I'll try to be positive. If I have to move back home with my mom (Which I will if OP closes its doors) at least I have that option. Some dont. We're not shut down yet - a miracle could happen and OP could survive. The economy could take and upward turn. I just have to hold on and hope. I am happy for my friends successes. I am. They all well deserve it. I am surrounded by fantastic people. I have some shows coming up I want to be in. I'm trying really hard to get creative again. It will be ok.
But damn, am I scared. I'm really scared.