The Last Days...

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.
Monday night the staff filed into the board meeting and heard the words we were all dreading. A couple of respected board members pleaded with the others to raise even more money so the company could at least go down gracefully. I got up and walked out. I felt the eyes on my back as I stormed out of the rehearsal room, shoes clocking hollowly. I went outside. I was shocked. I didnt understand. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Another co-worker came out, livid. "We get nothing!!! We get fucking nothing!!!" She leaves. My heart sinks, I start to cry. I make a few calls. I hear another co-worker on his phone near me. "I"m out of a job! I dont know what I"m going to do!" he shouts into his phone. Its all so surreal. That night I dont sleep well, I'm sick to my stomach and have nightmares. Tomorow is my last day.
Tuesday morning we all file into the middle room for the awful staff meeting. Our prez looks horrible. He tells us what most of us heard last nite. He chokes up. Another boss invites us to her house Thur nite for a pizza party, but cant get the entire sentence out due to her choking up. The other 2 bosses lower thier heads, tears falling onto the table. Some of the staff sniffles, its silent and weird for a few moments. Prez tells us how fucked we are. But then prez also tells us that one of our donors will be paying us each 2 weeks pay - as a personal gift. No write off for him, no nothing. This makes me cry. At least one of our board members cares. Prez explains when we get our final checks to cash them immediatley. Jesus. We all return to our desks and begin to pack up our personal stuff. It amazes me how 10 years fits into one little box. E and I wait and wait, then my boss says "You two are actually coming back tomorow". Oh. We get our checks and fly to the bank. We go to a different branch then the other staff members apparently. We feel like criminals while cashing our checks. It becomes somewhat funny. My gal looks closely at the check "Opera Pacific?" she says? "Oh god," I think "She knows, their going to stop us an not give us our money!" She goes into a story about someone I work with, and starts just chatting the afternoon away. I smile and nod and try to be pleasant but the whole time I"m just praying for her to give me my cash. E finishes and we bolt out the door. "That was horrrifying!" E shouts. "I know!!!". We return to the office and hear the even funnier story of about 10 employees going to the same branch at the same time. Thank goodness the bank just looked the other way I suppose. We meet with our health insurance lady who gives us individual options. She brings us suckers. She tells us she's had more situations like this in the past few months then in her entire career. Ugh. Fucking economy. I leave with my box of belongings. I come home and watch the elections. Its so strange, I havent even thought about them. Our last day is the same day as the elections. WTF. Its strange. I then watch history made when Obama becomes president. Yet I'm numb. Election reaction blog later. That night I dont sleep eithier, nightmares again, sick to my stomach now thinking Wed is my last day.
Wed is weird. There is now only a skeletal staff there. 8 of us. 3 bosses, 5 staff. Its quiet. Its bare, no more pictures, personal stuff, its sooooo quiet. E and I look at each other and no words are needed, we understand. Its hit the press, calls are coming in. E cant answer the phone till she can knows what the next step is. I get mailings prepared, reports run. We then wait. And wait. I cancel my Dr. appt. We wait. Its like sitting in a tomb waiting. Bosses are in meetings, we wait. My boss comes up to me again. "You guys are here tomorow....maybe Fri too". Jesus. E and I leave. That night I sleep a bit better, because I know my last day is now Fri.
Thursday, again so much waiting around. We're waiting for the letters we need to mail out to our people. E has been dealing with phone calls so gracefully, explaining that people will get a letter explaining what to do with tix, etc. I"ve got the tax letters done and out, just need my letter. Its so quiet. Its honestly like a bad dream. It doesnt feel real. I call my landlord, explain the situation, I cry when he tells me what a great tenant I've been. I leave for lunch, I go to my favorite place and bring the food back to my favorite park. I eat alone for the last time, staring out at the lake, watching the ducks, eating my fave sandwich. This was a normal lunch for me. I loved eating at this park. I drive away feeling a pang in my heart. I return to the office. I"m back tomorow for the last time. We lose 2 more staff members. Tonite is the pizza party - that will be another blog. That night I again dont sleep, have nightmares and sick to my stomach. Tomorow really is my last day.
Friday comes theres now just 6 of us. I"m so tired and emotionally raw. We all find ourselves in one persons office at one point, and I shout "Its the whole staff!!!" trying to lighten the mood. We laugh. We finally have our letters and we start the process. We're all on auto pilot. We get to a point where I have to leave to drop off at the post office. This will be it. My boss gives me my final paperwork. She hugs me so tightly crying so hard. She trys to talk but cant. I cry into her shoulder. She finally steps back and looks at me. "Do you know how amazing you are?! You do know this right!!!?" I just nod thru my tears. She hugs me again. I pull away and say "You'll be calling me next week". She laughs. 3 will remain next week, but they've all said I"ll be getting calls needing help. E said she may call just to put me on speaker to have someone to talk too. I smile and go to my desk and close up. As I walk away I stop and stare at my little corner. 10 Years. I feel it. I feel it for the 1st time. This is it.
I drive away to the post office, fighting tears. I then go to the bank to cash my final check. The woman smiles at me sympathetically and explains her "OHM" necklace, asking if I know what that means. I go home. After a couple of calls, I cry. I cry for a long time. I've been invited to go out to a few different events, but I bow out of all. I cry again. I need tonite. Tonite to grieve.
Roomie comes home. I"m on the couch. Numb. He trys to chat, I barely answer. He does the dishes. This makes me laugh, I know he's trying to help. I go thru half a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I finish off all my wine. Roomie puts in "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia". "Your going to love this", he says "Its funny and we're going to watch it and laugh". We do. I think we watch about 5 episodes. I do love it and its hilarious. We chat, laugh, I now have a wine fuzz and a tummy ache from chips and ice cream. I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.
Its Sat morning.
Its over.