Economy Slap...

I might lose my job.
Just typing that sentence scares me. The Opera is struggling. No suprise there. But now that the economy has taken a downward spiral at a nerveracking quick pace, we're really struggling. I see the signs. I've been here for 10 years and been in this situation a few times before. I notice the tension, the closed doors, the whispers. We had a meeting today trying to calm any fears when we hear we're selling our building. Calm any fears that the powers that be are really trying and making the efforts and doing everything they possible can to save us. Even our chairmen came in. His speech made most feel at ease. It made me cry inside. I can read between the lines of what he said. I see the looks on the faces of our higher ups. I know. We're fucked. Alot of our big time supporters got slammed recently with the crashing stocks and market and economy. They'll be ok yes - but the organizations they support will suffer. Thats us. Thats my job. Thats my income.
In the same breath, a friend of mine is getting a promotion. Another friend of mine got a fat bonus last month. Another friend of mine got a bonus this week. Another friend of mine got a fat bonus today. I want to celebrate this good news. I want to be happy and go get drinks and dinner and celebrate saying "You've deserved it! You've worked so hard! Congradulations! I'm so happy for you!". All that is true, it is, but sadly my selfish nature cant be happy. Instead I cant celebrate. I'm scared. All I want to do is go home and cry myself to sleep and wake up and this all be a bad dream. I wake up and our economy is flourishing. Gas prices are low. Etc. Etc. Etc. I figured writing this out a bit, would help a bit. It does.
I'll try to be positive. If I have to move back home with my mom (Which I will if OP closes its doors) at least I have that option. Some dont. We're not shut down yet - a miracle could happen and OP could survive. The economy could take and upward turn. I just have to hold on and hope. I am happy for my friends successes. I am. They all well deserve it. I am surrounded by fantastic people. I have some shows coming up I want to be in. I'm trying really hard to get creative again. It will be ok.
But damn, am I scared. I'm really scared.