While waiting for the axe to fall...

Well today is strange.
Barber of Seville closed on Saturday. We are not of course to move foward with anything. Our bosses are in a meeting. There's a big board meeting tonite to decide. Its like today we're all on hold. I'm assuming tomorow we'll come into work to a big meeting with a big announcement. Please pray that I get severance. Right now that seems to be the only thing I can hope for.
So I reached my limit on Friday.
You all know and have read whats been going on with OP the past month or so. How dreadful its been working here, not knowing, etc etc. So there's that.
I have not found another job. It seems like the entire world is on a hiring freeze. I apply for jobs I'm absolutley perfect for and I dont get it. So folks it looks like this 32 year old divorcee thats still paying off the ex-asshole's debt, who wants to be an artist, who fought and tried so godamn hard for all these years is moving back home with mom.
I have lost my battle.
This hurts. It hurts alot.
I want people to understand - this isnt just a "Losing my job". This is a job I've had for 10 years. This is causing me to move back home with my mom. This is causing me to completly uproot my life. I dont even want to begin to think about the actual process of moving from my adorable little bungalow in Costa Mesa to one room in Orange in mom's house. Oh - with my 2 cats by the way.
Not only is the whole thing suck - but just being here. I'm listening to my coworker on the phone right this second talking to moving companies because she's having to move to Nashville. I would honestly never wish anyone to go through something like this.
My Papa had a stroke on Thursday. He's 93. I love him so much it makes my heart ache when I think it. Mom and I were at the hospital Thursday and Friday. I hate seeing him like that. So weak. So confused. This is Papa. This is the man made of steel. He's home now and doing ok, but Thur/Fri were hard.
I was sitting in the hospital room with mom and papa. Mom was starting to fret about the party and how were we going to get it together in time. Mom stayed at grandma's house last nite to be with her. She made a few of the items for the party. While we were sitting there she got a call from grandma's caregiver (A lovely woman who comes by a couple of days a week). She threw away mom's jello brain. She thought it was a bad mold. She apologized profusely. Mom hung up and started crying. I watched her lose it. I watched her reach her limit. Thats when alot of you got the global txt from me asking to bring snacks along with you to the party.
Grandma and Robin (Caregiver) arrived at the hospital. Mom and I left to see what we could get done. 2 hours later we got a call that Papa was released. Thank God. He's ok, but we're keeping an eye on him.
This sent Mom and I into a turmoil of trying to get ready for the party. Shane helped, mom's friend came over as well. We ran around but we got it done.
There was a point I sat down. I took a long drag of my cig. I reached my limit. I felt like I was on drugs. Nothing was real. I felt fuzzy. My emotions are raw. I feel like an open wound that cant quite heal.
Melita arrives, makeup begins, party begins - I forget for a while. So many people brought food, everyone looked fabulous, we all had a wonderful time. People checked in with me, hugged me, asked how I was. I never talked about it, never got to into it. I couldnt. I'd lose it. At 3am I checked on the boy past out in the extra room - soon to be mine again. I spent about an hour cleaning up. Not thinking. When I laid down I stared at the window. My old bedroom window. The window I grew up looking out of and I started to cry. I'll be looking out this window again soon. I cried and I cried. The boy didnt know, he was out. I didnt sleep at all.
When I got up Sat, my eyes ached. My head screamed in pain. My body was a mess. I've reached my limit.
I resigned from the RG board yesterday. It hurt my heart a bit to do so, but I had to with the uncertainty of my life. They understood. They'll miss me, but they understand. I'm not leaving the company tho and I have Love Song I'm starting to work on tonite. But board commitments are too much.
I've reached my limit.
I feel strange. I feel off. Its just not right.
Please dont tell me everything happens for a reason. Please dont tell me it will all work out. I know all this. But right now is not the time.
I consider myself a strong person. I know the universe wont ever give you more then you can handle. But please. I beg you. Dont give me anymore. I just cant take it.