Its hitting....

Today is not a good day. I'm so sad, and my heart is heavy.
I talked to my boss. We will make it thru this opera that opens in a couple of weeks, but probably not after that. We only have a 5-10% chance of survival. So its real. The job I've had for 10 years. The opera thats been around since the early 80's. Its going to die. I'm so sad for so many reasons. Of course I'm going to be losing my job. But the people. The friends I've made. The security I've had. The benefits I've had. The fact that another arts company will bite the dust. I'm so sad. I've emailed some people about other possible jobs, but who knows. The thing is I'd probably be one of the last to go. I'd get some sort of severance. Should I ride it out? I'd move back home with mom if I did. I'd be 32 years old, moving back home. This is not where I saw myself at this age.
I'm not positive right now. I'm sick and tired of being positive. I'm sure there's a "Light at the end of the tunnel". I'm sure this "happens for a reason". Blah blah fucking blah. Not today. Today I am sad. Today I am bitter. Today I am not happy with our world or my state in it.
I have friends who I dont want to consider friends anymore. There's people I would like to cut out of my life because I'm sick and tired of thier bullshit. I'm done with being there for them constantly and never them being there for me. I try to please, I try to be sympathetic but I'm done. Life is falling apart right now - yes I know for everyone not just me - and I dont have any patience left. No positivity left. I dont even think I have any fight left.
Its perfect weather for it too. My least favorite of all. Cold and Windy. I've been battling my allergies all weekend - Sat/Sun being the worst. I feel horrible today. I'm sneezy, stuffy, dry as paper and cold. My nose is raw and sore. I've shocked so many things today I could probably start a fire with my fingers. I hate this. I hate the dry. Its so metalic and shitty in the air.
I'm sick of living in a situation that I'm not happy in. Living in a situation where I'm not treated with respect or consideration. Living in a situation where I"m not appreciated or cared about at all. Living in a situation where I do fucking everything and pay for fucking everything.
I'm sick of the politics. I know who I'm voting for. I know who I want to win. I dont want to hear, read, see anymore about it. Its upsetting and people are fucking stupid and over-sensitive and freaking out about EVERYTHING. I'm done. I'm soooooooooo done with it all.
I dreamed about my ex-husband last night. I woke up so angry. I will never ever be able to forgive that son of bitch. I cant believe he's getting away with what he did too, as if nothing ever happened. Like 7 years of my life just sort of vanished and all I have to show for it is his godamn debt. I fucking hate him for doing something to me that I obviously cant let go of for shit!
What the fuck! I have a beautiful new camera I want to learn how to play with. Yet, I'm so overwhelmed. I have a boy who missed me. Who digs me. Yet I'm so freaked out right now. I have those friends who are right there for me. Family who is right there for me. Yet I want to crawl in a hole and die.
Yes. This is a negative blog. Yes. This is a poor me blog. Yes I'm grateful for all the good things. Yes I know it could be worse. But you know what - right now it fucking sucks.