Nothing much...

Thats what I feel like.
Its quiet here right now. The overwhelming feeling of impending doom. When? I'm guessing end of the month - maybe a little into November. Then what?
I sent my resume out Friday. Havent heard a thing. I have nightmares everynight. Last nights were exceptionally bad. My stomach isnt happy today. I'm constantly tired. Eyes sting. Sigh.
So many random thoughts, random actions. I honestly think I'm just waiting for something to happen that will then determine my next move. I hate this suspended feeling. Like I'm hanging from a trapeze and waiting to see if I'll be caught or if I'll fall. Waiting. Wondering.

I made him a little photo montage of our winery trip. It hasnt arrived in the mail yet, I honestly dont even think he'll like it. He's not sentimental. I did it anyway. I wish I could be non sentimental sometimes. Not compassionate. Not emotional. But alas no. I'm an artist. A bleeding heart artist at that. Emotion and passion and sentiment is in my makeup.

I read blogs today. I'm sad that Pool will not be happening now, and that Revengers may now move to October. Maybe its better. I want to do Love Song, but with my scary future maybe its best thats all I do right now. Whats going to happen?

I woke up so many times last night. I woke up crying. I woke up breathless. I dreamed my teeth fell out. I dreamed my car broke again. I dreamed I wouldnt stop bleeding. I dreamed of a girl who was for McCain and going to vote yes on 8 and I screamed at her and she said she was confused and didnt know what to think and I screamed at her for being ignorant and to learn. I dreamed he left me. He said I was useless and broke and had no direction.

My thoughts are so random so busy today. I figured I'd blog it out, but it seems this blog is just as wonky as my head. I guess thats ok. I'm so tired. So spacey. So odd.

He's drinking so much more. He's doing stupid things. Its getting harder and harder. Maybe moving back home will be something. Something new. A fresh start? But to give up my independance? I'm sure it wont be for long, but still. Can I do it? Me and the girls, where will we go? Whats going to happen!? Thats the thing - thats what I go back to constantly. What does the future hold? Whats the next step? Its not all mapped out for me. I dont want to want that but I do. At least some things. Some.

Good things...good things.....I got my costume. Yes Jess its a slutty Marie Antoinette. But its pink! Its pink and pretty and I love it. I'm borrowing Kali's wig and Melita will do my neck - lots of blood! So I may have on a shorty little dress - but it'll be so fun, so creative! So I'll look cute yet get my bloody Halloween violence in there. The party is going to be huge if all come who say. Mom went all out. The house looks so amazing. Look for the little things. We have prizes, fun foods, its going to be good.

Thats actually the only good right now....the uncertainty hurts. It mucks up everything else. I want to write a book. A book of memoirs. Could I do it? I've read Sedaris and Burroughs and thats all they do! They wrote books of memoirs and thier funny! Could I do that? I want to play with my camera. Why cant I make it as the careers I want? Why cant I be a succesfull actor/photographer/writer? I got so comfortable here. Job security. Benefits. Now its gone. What now? I dont have a degree. I'm a fucking artist. For some reason I dont have that gene that goes to school to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer. I went to school and couldnt focus. Didnt finish. Now look at me. 32 years old. Divorced. I want to take back my 20's. Maybe actually go to college. Not ever get married. Where would I be now?

Good things...good things....shit...what do I got - Love Song? I will love to get onstage again. I want to see some shows - Night of the Living Dead, Jess's little comedy, Luva's next show.....Maybe others. I'm going to the dentist today - you'd think thats bad, but its better then being here at work. Being here listening and feeling the sadness. Plus its mom. I'll see mom, maybe I'll stay down there tonight. Visit. I dont know. I dont have much I can come up with....

I want to be ok with all of this. I'm doing better then I would have before. I'm fighting the depression I really am. I dont want anyone to tell me that "When a door closes another opens" or "Something good will come out of this" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "this is just a new opportunity". I know all that I do I really do I swear. But your not in my shoes. You dont know how scared I am. How terrified I am. How sick I'm getting. I'm mostly scared. Scared of the uncertain.