Numb...

Its interesting to me the way emotions work.
When something horrible happens everything becomes numb. Surreal. Weird. You become an emotional roller coaster. Sad. Angry. Numb. Laughing to distract. Depressed.
This is where I am right now. It made me remember how I felt when I've had things like this happen in the past. I felt the same way.
When I was in high school I had a woman I became close too. She was my neighbor. I used to babysit her kids. We became very close. She was killed on Thanksgiving Day in a car accident along with the baby she was 7 months pregnant with. I remember the phone ringing while mom and I were in the garage. My mom answered the phone and I watched her face go white, her eyes welled up with tears and she turned and looked at me. My heart dropped. She hung up the phone and told me that Kim had been killed. I remember it felt like I got hit in the chest with a brick. Everything got foggy and dreamlike and I collasped to the floor in tears. I remember my mom hugging me, but nothing after that. I just remember flashes of sadness, her funeral, things that would remind me of her. I remember crying over her grave many years after that.
The morning I decided to leave Mark was another time. I remember finding his bag he said he'd left at work containing all the outstanding bills totaling well over $1,000.00. I remember standing in the kitchen in our townhome at 6:45am calling him and asking to explain. He told me he hadnt had a job in 3 months. He lied again. This was the 3rd time. I told him I was leaving and I hung up. I remember walking out onto the patio, my life spinning around me. I collasped onto the pavement and called my mom. My neighbor was blasting "Comfortably Numb" by Lincoln Park over and over again after a fight she had just had with her mother. I remember finding that ironic. I remember how numb I felt. How it seemed so surreal. I remember in a fog packing, paperwork, crying, changing my life, etc.
Here I am again. This is a different blow. My job. My job of 10 years. My security. Its slipping out from under me. Things change by the minute here. People are walking around in a haze, depressed, worried. This week was when I felt that blow by blow by blow and right now I feel so numb. Its surreal again. "They wont sign my contracts" someone tells me. "Dont batch that check, we're not depositing it yet". Its going, hell it may end next week. I feel my chest tighten. I'm sitting at my desk right now feeling like I'm in a bad dream. I cant think. I'm numb.
Its so strange how we react. The defensive mode our body's go into. The release of grief through tears. The feeling that your body just stops feeling, and goes numb.