This week can bite me

Warning - this is a rant:
Is it possible to control positivity? As you all know and are probably sick of hearing me say it - I've been trying to be positive. I know that most of my crew is thinking to themselves "Right...Jami...Positive. You just keep thinking that, whatever Jami". I know this is true. I've been a pessimist all my life. I've fought with being a very negative person. But those who know me well, know I have seriously been putting considerable effort into this newfound look on life. All of you who dont think I've actually been trying - Go fuck yourself. Yes, I'll always still have that feisty streak in me - thats not going anywhere. But I have truly been making huge steps and efforts to be positive. I'm reading The Secret - which is actually starting to piss me off even more. I did The Artists Way. I've read a few other books that have been about positivity, inspiration, etc etc. I'm fucking trying!!!!!!! I wrote down what I'm grateful for. I thank the universe daily for what I'm grateful for. I'm putting all the positive energy I can possibly hold out there in the universe!!! I'm not half assing it people!!! This week has been quite a battle. The whole godamn week has fucking blown. There have been highlights - but for the most part it has sucked. And if the fucking Secret tells me its because I have put those kinds of "thoughts" into the universe it can fuck right off, because that is BULLSHIT. I'm chalking it up to this right now - I took my bc pills last month - skipping the "power week" one to try to push my cycle back a week. I've never done this before. So - next week will be my "power week" after skipping a month. I think I'm having a massive case of PMS - this is what I'm blaming for this week. So I'm going to just bitch, because positivity isnt fucking working, so I'm just going back to my old faithful - "Get it off my chest" blog. So watch out.
I'm so over emotional this week!!!!!!!!!!! I handled my Havasu debacle with amazing grace - I was actually quite impressed with myself. Although I cant help but be absolutly LIVID with a certain person because of how fucking stupid/immature he's being. I'm not going to get into with him, because it'll be a waste of time - he'll never get it. Thats the most frustrating part of the whole thing. I'm furious - he totally screwed me over and doesnt even give two shits nor does he see that he's done anything wrong. The only validation I have is I'm not the only one pissed off. Thats bitch one. I'm also watching situations at home that infuriate me, but dont even know really what to do about it. People are going back to old habits, not caring, drinking too much, hanging on to things that are fucking lame, lying. I hate it. I fucking fucking hate it. Yes I said fucking twice in a row - did I mention this was a bad week? Bitch three. So this "Secret" bullshit tells me to visualize checks in the mail, feel that money will be coming to you - gave you all this stuff to do - WHICH I DID mind you. I didnt even flip out when I paid bills a couple of weeks ago and had like $20 in my account. I just thought - "Money will be coming to me this month, money will be flowing into my life, etc etc". Ya - what flowed into my life this week - Getting FUCKED with the Havasu situation and now having to pay more then twice then what I had planned. My rent got raised for the 1st time in 4 years. And my car insurance landed in my mailbox. Um - thats not money flowing into my life. I now want to punch "The Secret" right in the face. I want to dare it to tell me I "asked" for that. I dare you asshole!!!! I'm ready for a brawl now - bring it! Bitch 4. We girls always have "back ups". Boys in our life you always just think will always be around or available at some point in your future. They usually dont even know, but we do. Its what girls do. Well - I had 2 (sort of) and they're both gone - why do you ask? Because they are selfish assholes and I'm trying so hard to see that. I'm forcing myself to see what pricks they really are. I need to wipe them from my life, I really do. They are unhealthy for me. I hate what they turn me into. Ugh. Bitch five - This whole positive thing. I know this is probably just a bad week, I'll be over it next week I'm sure - but godammit if I'm fucking tired of trying to hard. You know what I want Universe - This is what I fucking want and its not asking for much - I want my ex-husbands debt fucking gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its still like 15K - can you please just send me 15K so it can go the fuck away!!! Please!!!! I dont need to be rich - just out of this god forsake debt THATS NOT MINE!!!!! Second - I want a man. Yes - I'm ready. I want a lovely sweet funny hot passionate man. I'm a good person! I'm not crazy (this blog may lead to think that...). I want someone to come home too, and curl up in his arms when I'm having a week like this and he hold me and kiss my neck and tell me he loves me and not to worry about a thing. Please dont send me anymore lovely men that may be an option but just turn out to be another guy pal. Another platonic relationship. Last but not least - I want to be happy. I dont need to be Pollyanna. But please remove this anger, this depression this sadness that I fight daily and replace it with happiness and love and warm fuzzies. Yes I'm better, yes I'm happier then I used to be but I'm so tired of fighting. So there it is. My shitty fucking week. I'm so overemotional that on my walk (My walk thats supposed to be helping me and good for m) I start crying - because as I'm walking a guy is walking towards me with his happy black lab - I smile like I always do and then smile down at the dog - the dog jumps on me to say hi, I do my usual smile and give him some ear scratches, but in his excitement his paw catches me shuffle and rips it out of my ears and off my pants and it flys onto the ground. No it didnt break, it was fine. The guy was mortified and said "I'm so sorry! Are you ok?" "Oh its fine" I mutter, and force a smile, grab my shuffle, and scurry off. Once it get it back on, and know its working fine, I start crying. Hard. I'm trying to walk and I'm crying. I'm praying that no one sees me. I walk faster and curse myself for being an idiot but the tears flow.
I'm a fucking mess this week.