If someone were to ask me - "Are you happy?" I'd say no. If someone were to ask me "Are you depressed?" I'd say no. I seem to be at this odd crossroads of nothing. My personality, my lifestyle, the way I look at life has altered. I think I'm not sure how to deal with it yet. Its for the better - dont get me wrong - but still. I dont feel "right". But I do like it. I dont let things get to me. I take bullshit and deal with it. I handle many things waaaaay better then when I used to. I'm more laid back. I'm more mellow. I actually honestly dont sweat the small stuff (no I havent read that book yet) Positive thinking - yes.
Money will flow thru the universe to me. Bastard ex's loan will be gone by the end of this year. All 20K of it. I'll be able to start a savings account again! Money will flow. Visualizing...visualizing...
A wonderful man will come into my life - also soon. He's going to be all that I asked for in my "Ingredients to the Universe" I blogged about a while back. He'll be my sweetie. In between my man arriving - a few "hookups" would be nice....hmmmmm...Hello - Universe? Uh - I think my cherry grew back. Ya. Its been that long. I really dont want to be a virgin again. Lord.
Happiness. This is the most important. I want to be happy. I want to answer "YES!" when someone says "Are you happy?". I want to be a good person. To help others. To be that girl that people talk about saying "She's really got her shit together." "She seems so happy". Etc. etc. etc.
So where am I at the moment? Limbo. Thats really the best way I can describe it. I'm not unhappy, but not happy eithier. I'm just there. I get up. I go to work. The same job I've been at for 10 years. Time draaaaaaags. I go home. After work consists of spending time with friends, piddling around the house, being a good RG board member, or random other occurances. Hello - right there - thats pretty good! I dont go home and sit in front of the TV like most of our fellow americans do! I should be happy. Hmm.
I'm not in a show. I haven't been in a show since Beirut. Beirut was a shining moment. A show that racked me emotionally and physically and I loved every second of it. A show that was a success. A show everyone loved. A show I'll always be proud of. But here it is...May. The longest I've ever been not invovled in a show. Its going to be longer. There is not a damn thing in the foreground for me. No shows. Nothin. I think - get new headshots - start doin other shit. I sort of am....slowly....baby steps.
Is that it? Do I need to just learn to have patience - to take baby steps? One thing at a time. Probably. Yet why do I feel so stuck. I feel in a rut. I feel - nothing really.
What do I need?
Oh Universe.....hellooooooo?
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