The #MeToo movement and Times Up movement have brought to light (FINALLY) what women, and men, have been battling for years. Sexual Harassment, Sexual Consent, Violation, etc etc and fucking etc. It's something long overdue to be addressed and tackled and it's now finding it's feet and hopefully starting to make a difference.
I have been rolling around in my head for a few months now, how I want to share my stories. I have so many. But I just can't write them like I would normally tell a story. I usually write with an air of humor and I'm brutally honest and raw. I know this is what so many of you appreciate about my writing/blogging (thank you for that). But I can't bring myself to do that this time. But what I can do, is share it this way. I hope to maybe write about this again, more close to how I usually write and share some more, but for now, here is what I'm able to do.
I've battled issues with self esteem my entire life. Never being the typical "pretty". Never being "popular". An ugly duckling of sorts meandering through life confused and sad and invisible until I was teased and bullied. I fell into a certain crowd. I could escape the reality that life was. But with this came violence. But that was ok. I let it. I was getting attention. Boys were noticing me. They told me I was pretty. They touched me and made me blush. But it was scary. I was used like a doll. They would touch me in front of others and I would softly say "Please no". They would whisper in my ear that they knew I liked it and I just didn't want to admit it. There was so many of them. Surrounded by a sea of testosterone amplified by drugs. I kept saying no. I started to cry. They seemed to like that more. I was so embarrassed. I just wanted to hide. This went on and on. This happened more than once. One time it was just me and another. He got so violent and angry when I cried. When the 1st hit came it sent me off my feet. Such a weird hot pain in my face. Something crashed and shattered over my head, glass spilling into my hair. I tried to crawl out the door but then I was in the air my face hitting something causing the coppery taste of blood fill my mouth. But then he was hugging me and apologizing. Stroking my hair saying he was sorry. It would never happen again.
It didn't.
That was the last time.
I was lucky. I got out of it. Since then I haven't looked back.
My cries for help were ignored. Other things were blamed. I was left to deal with those few years on my own. I vowed never to fall victim again. Never to show that vulnerability again. Never to be so damn stupid again. Anger filled me for years. I realized things like this were no big deal. I was a woman. I had no voice. When I tried no one listened.
Here I am today. So very different than those years ago. But many other incidences of harassment have followed me. The small taste above was the worst, but I still have a hard time feeling like I'm heard. I'm trying. I'm trying to wrap my head around this entire movement and approach it well. To be helpful. Supportive. To listen to others. To be there for women who may need help finding their voice.
I'm not sure what I will accomplish with this blog, other than I am joining the movement with so many others and sharing one of my stories. We're not alone.
I will tell you this though - I am fucking done.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Thursday, January 25, 2018
The three D's of Dating...
Another Dude. Another Date. Another Disappointment. This has become my reality of dating.
You've all read my dating woes.
After a break from online dating for a couple of months, back when I probably shouldn't have jumped back into it so soon because I was still reeling from my break up that left me stunned and hurt, here I am again. My decision was get through the holidays and sign back up after Christmas.
Which I did.
After Christmas I signed back up on Bumble, because it was easy and I was familiar with it. After the usual matched with dudes, emailed dudes, maybe 2 of the 20 emailed back, then 1 kept emailing and we made a date! BAM!
Went on date.
Meh.
We met for drinks.
He didn't pay for me.
He wasn't an asshole, but there just didn't seem to be a connection.
He walked me to my car. Kissed me goodnight - not a good kisser.
Sigh.
The next day I signed up for Match.com. That was a chunk of change. UGH! I signed up for 6 months. Figured - why not give another paid site a go. Haven't done this one yet....
Already hate it.
It's cluttered, weird, hard to navigate. I actually had to spend some time on the Live Chat to get some guidance. I have found they don't really match up you with shit. Most guys are creepy. It sucks. But I'm stuck on it for 6 months.
It's been a couple of weeks now - and I made one date with one guy which he canceled the morning of saying "Not to be a dick, but I have to cancel. I feel I should be nervous or excited but I'm neither. I don't think Online Dating is for me.". Mind you, this dude had already been whining about how weird Online Dating is. No shit asshole - no one likes it but it's a necessary evil. Dodged that bullet I suppose.
Decided to go on a 2nd date with 1st Bumble dude. Maybe I'm jumping to quick into writing him off. I mean he wasn't a jerk. 1st dates can be awkward. I want to be fair and give him a fair chance. If date 2 doesn't work out, then forget it right?
So Date 2:
He paid for dinner (I had hinted for him to do so earlier).
It wasn't horrid, but it wasn't great, but I still wanted to be fair. So I suggested we wander over for another drink (which I would buy).
Done.
It was fun. But just no spark. No connection. No nothing.
He was into me though, so I felt bad.
He walked me to my car. Kissed me goodnight. Still not a good kisser.
Sigh.
I went home and thought long and hard about it and asked advice of friends. Everyone agreed - if it's not there, it's not there. You can't force these things. So I had to send my very 1st "Sorry I just didn't feel a romantic connection" text. He never responded. I felt bad, but what can ya do.
More matches on Bumble. Many many more dudes not responding. Emailed a few. Never went anywhere. Why the fuck are you on dating sites if you never want to meet up you jackasses?!
Emailed a couple dudes on Match....never heard back.
Added CMB again. I know, this app was stupid, but it's easy. You get sent a handful of dudes a day and you like or pass then that's it. Figured it can't hurt. No real work involved unless you actually start emailing someone which is rare. Also re-signed up on Meetup...maybe that's the direction I need to go?
Got another date off Bumble.
Went on date.
Meh.
We met for drinks.
He didn't pay.
I actually thought maybe this guy could turn into a friend if anything. He was cool. I didn't feel that spark but he seemed alright? Maybe it would grow into something if we went out a couple more times?
Text him the next day. He did respond once - but haven't heard back now.
I think we're mutually ghosting.
Sigh.
Matched with a dude on CMB. Seemed pretty cool. We were having some decent emails back and fro on the app. I hit him with my usual "Whatcha lookin for in a lady? "What are your deal breakers?" I gave him my deal breakers (Conservative Republican, Crazy Religious, Allergic to Cats, Live in your mom's basement, Serial Killer, Meth Head...)
CMB Dude: "I'm not conservative, but I am a Republican."
Me: "Ah ok, but you didn't vote for Trump, did you?"
CMB Dude: "Yes I did."
Me:
Matched with a dude on Bumble.
Sent my opener email (FYI I always try to grab something off their profile and address that).
My opening email:
"Hi there! That's a super cute dog you got there!" (He had a darling brown lab in like 3 pictures)
Bumble Dude:
"Thanks. Unfortunately he's dead now."
Me:
So there you have it folks.
2018 is not starting out very successful in the dating world that's for damn sure.
So my advice to those of you jumping into this world:
You've all read my dating woes.
After a break from online dating for a couple of months, back when I probably shouldn't have jumped back into it so soon because I was still reeling from my break up that left me stunned and hurt, here I am again. My decision was get through the holidays and sign back up after Christmas.
Which I did.
After Christmas I signed back up on Bumble, because it was easy and I was familiar with it. After the usual matched with dudes, emailed dudes, maybe 2 of the 20 emailed back, then 1 kept emailing and we made a date! BAM!
Meh.
We met for drinks.
He didn't pay for me.
He wasn't an asshole, but there just didn't seem to be a connection.
He walked me to my car. Kissed me goodnight - not a good kisser.
Sigh.
The next day I signed up for Match.com. That was a chunk of change. UGH! I signed up for 6 months. Figured - why not give another paid site a go. Haven't done this one yet....
Already hate it.
It's cluttered, weird, hard to navigate. I actually had to spend some time on the Live Chat to get some guidance. I have found they don't really match up you with shit. Most guys are creepy. It sucks. But I'm stuck on it for 6 months.
It's been a couple of weeks now - and I made one date with one guy which he canceled the morning of saying "Not to be a dick, but I have to cancel. I feel I should be nervous or excited but I'm neither. I don't think Online Dating is for me.". Mind you, this dude had already been whining about how weird Online Dating is. No shit asshole - no one likes it but it's a necessary evil. Dodged that bullet I suppose.
Decided to go on a 2nd date with 1st Bumble dude. Maybe I'm jumping to quick into writing him off. I mean he wasn't a jerk. 1st dates can be awkward. I want to be fair and give him a fair chance. If date 2 doesn't work out, then forget it right?
So Date 2:
He paid for dinner (I had hinted for him to do so earlier).
It wasn't horrid, but it wasn't great, but I still wanted to be fair. So I suggested we wander over for another drink (which I would buy).
Done.
It was fun. But just no spark. No connection. No nothing.
He was into me though, so I felt bad.
He walked me to my car. Kissed me goodnight. Still not a good kisser.
Sigh.
I went home and thought long and hard about it and asked advice of friends. Everyone agreed - if it's not there, it's not there. You can't force these things. So I had to send my very 1st "Sorry I just didn't feel a romantic connection" text. He never responded. I felt bad, but what can ya do.
More matches on Bumble. Many many more dudes not responding. Emailed a few. Never went anywhere. Why the fuck are you on dating sites if you never want to meet up you jackasses?!
Emailed a couple dudes on Match....never heard back.
Added CMB again. I know, this app was stupid, but it's easy. You get sent a handful of dudes a day and you like or pass then that's it. Figured it can't hurt. No real work involved unless you actually start emailing someone which is rare. Also re-signed up on Meetup...maybe that's the direction I need to go?
Got another date off Bumble.
Went on date.
Meh.
We met for drinks.
He didn't pay.
I actually thought maybe this guy could turn into a friend if anything. He was cool. I didn't feel that spark but he seemed alright? Maybe it would grow into something if we went out a couple more times?
Text him the next day. He did respond once - but haven't heard back now.
I think we're mutually ghosting.
Sigh.
Matched with a dude on CMB. Seemed pretty cool. We were having some decent emails back and fro on the app. I hit him with my usual "Whatcha lookin for in a lady? "What are your deal breakers?" I gave him my deal breakers (Conservative Republican, Crazy Religious, Allergic to Cats, Live in your mom's basement, Serial Killer, Meth Head...)
CMB Dude: "I'm not conservative, but I am a Republican."
Me: "Ah ok, but you didn't vote for Trump, did you?"
CMB Dude: "Yes I did."
Me:
Matched with a dude on Bumble.
Sent my opener email (FYI I always try to grab something off their profile and address that).
My opening email:
"Hi there! That's a super cute dog you got there!" (He had a darling brown lab in like 3 pictures)
Bumble Dude:
"Thanks. Unfortunately he's dead now."
Me:
So there you have it folks.
2018 is not starting out very successful in the dating world that's for damn sure.
So my advice to those of you jumping into this world:
Monday, January 1, 2018
2017 Recap...
Well shit.
I went back and read my 2016 Recap and this year was even worse.
Thanks Trump. You fuckwad.
Unfortunately this blog will be very similar to the last one. I am going to hit the highlights, like bullet points. As I was thinking about what I was going to write, I was having a hard time coming up with the good. I'm not going to lie - this year was hella brutal. I don't like to end on a negative note, and I'm fighting not too but in all honesty - this year blew for the most part. I'm going to get the bad out of the way 1st:
I lost 3 dear people. My amazing friend BC. #fuckcancer Then 2 of my best friends moms. Karen and Liz. Karen was a lovely woman who had a wonderful laugh. #fuckcancer. I was close to Liz and she was like a 2nd mom to me. Knowing I will not be slapped upside the head because I can't understand something she tells me in her thick Scottish brogue rips my heart apart. Rest in Peace my precious friends.
This year also brought me heartbreak. I don't remember the last time I had to deal with that. It SUCKS! I met a guy, thought - I finally found him! My person! I fell in love with his daughter. He talked about our future. But no - he was a fucking heartless robot. Wow. I was totally snowed. That hurt. So - also - to him:
via GIPHY
BUT - with all the heartbreak, with our country crashing down around us, with all the bullshit and the tragedy and the tears and the OH MY GOD FUCK 2017 - Let's throw in the good shall we?
Here goes:
Let's start with one of the biggest highlights - The Women's March! That's right - 3 million women marched all over the United States in a PEACEFUL protest. Yes - PEACEFUL. Not one incident of violence. In the biggest protest in the history of the US - no violence!!! Why? Because women fucking rule. You can read about it here. Here was our little posse
I did a Food Tour because - Food.
I also did a 5K that included Brunch and Champagne because - Food.
I always love Bob's Irish Spirit Run
Mom and I hunted Easter Eggs at Disneyland
Although this music festival is now tainted because I went with the dude who eventually ripped my heart out - It was still amazing - him aside. Terri was with me as well and I got to see some amazing music and have some amazing food at Arroyo Seco
I got to go to the Museum of Ice Cream
Did our annual OC Fair trip. Oh and did I mention that Shane and Danelle moved back home? Oregon didn't work out. I was bummed for them but you know how happy I am to have them back!
Mom, Taylor and I went to Midsummer Scream
I took a Road Trip - which is also now tainted because guess who was with me - but the highlight was the reason I went - to see my baby brother retire! There are 3 separate blogs in August if you want the jist, but aside from who I was with it was gorgeous. I plan to do a Sedona/Grand Canyon re-do so I can make some new better memories!
Halloween Season is always my favorite time of year and this year was no exception! Haunt, Hayride, Horror Nights and a Horror Train are just to name a few! I also dyed my hair pink for a couple months - that was fun!
Got to watch my friend kick ass at her 1st Rugged
Had a lovely Thanksgiving
And an even lovelier Christmas
I also hit some rad events!
Enchanted Forest of Light
29 Rooms
And Yayoi Kusama at The Broad
I also got onstage! It was only for 1 night but it was a blast! It's always a hoot to participate in the "Dolt's" Only Xmas Pageant at Stages.
I finished the year appropriately for a crap-tastic year - home - not feeling great. I actually got to a party but had to leave because - of course. So, another NYE home with the kitties. They of course didn't mind.
So - to 2017
And to 2018:
I'm hopeful you guys. Truly hopeful. We've had 2 shitty years in a row - it's time for a good one! I hope to meet my person this year. I hope we can all continue to find the good among the rough mess our country is in right now. I hope great art will be made and I hope to be a part of it. I hope to find out more about myself. I hope everyone stays healthy and happy and we all hang on to that hope. Don't let hope die. I know I won't!
Here's to more blogs, more photo play dates, more theatre, more love, more adventures and lots more laughs! Happy 2018 my friends!
I went back and read my 2016 Recap and this year was even worse.
Thanks Trump. You fuckwad.
Unfortunately this blog will be very similar to the last one. I am going to hit the highlights, like bullet points. As I was thinking about what I was going to write, I was having a hard time coming up with the good. I'm not going to lie - this year was hella brutal. I don't like to end on a negative note, and I'm fighting not too but in all honesty - this year blew for the most part. I'm going to get the bad out of the way 1st:
I lost 3 dear people. My amazing friend BC. #fuckcancer Then 2 of my best friends moms. Karen and Liz. Karen was a lovely woman who had a wonderful laugh. #fuckcancer. I was close to Liz and she was like a 2nd mom to me. Knowing I will not be slapped upside the head because I can't understand something she tells me in her thick Scottish brogue rips my heart apart. Rest in Peace my precious friends.
This year also brought me heartbreak. I don't remember the last time I had to deal with that. It SUCKS! I met a guy, thought - I finally found him! My person! I fell in love with his daughter. He talked about our future. But no - he was a fucking heartless robot. Wow. I was totally snowed. That hurt. So - also - to him:
via GIPHY
BUT - with all the heartbreak, with our country crashing down around us, with all the bullshit and the tragedy and the tears and the OH MY GOD FUCK 2017 - Let's throw in the good shall we?
Here goes:
Let's start with one of the biggest highlights - The Women's March! That's right - 3 million women marched all over the United States in a PEACEFUL protest. Yes - PEACEFUL. Not one incident of violence. In the biggest protest in the history of the US - no violence!!! Why? Because women fucking rule. You can read about it here. Here was our little posse
I always love Bob's Irish Spirit Run
Enchanted Forest of Light
I also got onstage! It was only for 1 night but it was a blast! It's always a hoot to participate in the "Dolt's" Only Xmas Pageant at Stages.
I finished the year appropriately for a crap-tastic year - home - not feeling great. I actually got to a party but had to leave because - of course. So, another NYE home with the kitties. They of course didn't mind.
So - to 2017
And to 2018:
I'm hopeful you guys. Truly hopeful. We've had 2 shitty years in a row - it's time for a good one! I hope to meet my person this year. I hope we can all continue to find the good among the rough mess our country is in right now. I hope great art will be made and I hope to be a part of it. I hope to find out more about myself. I hope everyone stays healthy and happy and we all hang on to that hope. Don't let hope die. I know I won't!
Here's to more blogs, more photo play dates, more theatre, more love, more adventures and lots more laughs! Happy 2018 my friends!
Sunday, December 10, 2017
29 Rooms...
Saturday Terri and I headed up to LA to check out 29 Rooms, a pop up art exhibit in the Arts District. It took place in a large tent like thing and all around were rooms you could go into and pretty much take pictures. It's kind of a narcissists dream! Ha! There were also exhibits in the middle. Some had longer waits than others, but you could pretty much see most of it if you hustled. Your ticket got you a 3 hour window to explore. Each room was curated by a different artist and lots of celebrities were involved as well! It was a great event with lots of variety and fun interactive stuff!!
 |
| My favorite! |
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| Boat Bitches |
I loved this room. There was even a table in the middle with who all your senators are and tools to write them!
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| Write your senators! |
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| The floor was covered too! |
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| How cute are we? |
This particular room I wasn't able to participate in because it was a VR experience but Terri said it was super cool! I loved watching the peeps do it though!
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| This lady was totally getting into it! |
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| So, you shot a picture and whatever the saying was, was captured. I thought was was a trip that I got the same one in my individual shot and our shot! |
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| I was a little mesmerized! |
These next few we sort of breezed through and I didn't catch the signs. But the 1st one was a blow dry section. It was pretty funny!
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| Maybe I should leave the curls more often |
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| There was a different message when you walked to the other side |
This one I did a boomerang as well. It was a popular exibit. You could go up in a building and throw confetti down, and of course my favorite was the space cat behind a door!!!! The gals working this one were super excited and fun!
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| You guys!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A SPACE CAT!!!! |
This one was super cute. It was Marc Jacobs Daisy and you got little free samples of perfume! Totally called to my inner hippie flower child!
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| Flower Girls! |
This was Demi Lovato's room. I guess you got air brushed tattoos. The line was huge!
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| My favorite picture I took of T! |
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| I was not modeling very well... |
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| T painted a T! |
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| Trying to paint a peace sign |
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| Groove is in the heart..... |
There was this really cool flower display near the entrance.
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| Terri's portrait mode on her phone is rad! |
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| I was so loving blowing bubbles and dancing to the silent disco! |
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| This was on the back of some of the mannequins |
We had a lot of fun in this room! The glitter got everywhere! Seriously it was falling out of pieces of my clothes and shoes for hours after I got home! We did a few Boomerangs in here.
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| I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing |
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| So much glitter! |
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| T writing her secret |
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| Um..... |
It was a super fun day! I love these pop ups!!
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