Meditating again...

This is one of those things I keep coming back to and trying again.
And again.
And again.
And....you get the point.

I know there are many ways to meditate.  There's yoga.  There's Tai Chi.  There's so many different options.  I kept thinking, well I just haven't found the right one. No.  The fact of the matter is I need to meditate the way you meditate - you sit your ass down, close your eyes and clear your mind.  That's the one I've noticed improvement when I do it.  I can't deny it.  I just don't want to.

So - here we go again.  It's 2020.  I'm in a rut.  I'm quite stressed out and having a lot of losing battles with anxiety.  Let's fucking do this.  It's only going to help.  I need to stop making excuses (I'm tired, I was drinking, blah blah) and just do it.

I'm always open to finding anything that can help me get going and I read about this particular app in a magazine.  So far I like it!  I can set a timer for 10 min.  That's my goal.  To meditate for 10 minutes.

10 minutes Jami.

You can do it.

If you all recall this is how my meditation usually goes - blog.

I'm 8 days into the new year and have only missed one night and that was a night I stayed over at my boyfriends house and thought it would be weird if I told him and his daughter "Be right back...gonna go meditate."

There are different ways to do this kind of meditation - Guided, which is what I like.  You have music or sounds or something and then a bell that signifies the end.  You can just sit in silence.  You can (My boyfriend has tried this one) sit and stare at like a wall or something and try to clear your mind.  You can chant.  Etc. Etc.

Unfortunately these nights have basically gone like so:

Start app.
Try to get comfortable in my crossed legged position on my chair.  This takes the 1st 2 minutes of the meditation.
Close my eyes.  Take deep breaths and try to focus.
I don't think I like this sound choice.  I'll have to try the birds tomorrow.
Why does my refrigerator make so much goddamn noise.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  I'm so miserable.
FOCUS JAMI.
Shit I have to make sure to email that documentation to Finance.
Ugh, why does work cause me so much stress.  I really need to find another job.  I can't remember the last time I had this much anxiety due to work.  Oh yes I do - my last job.  Pacific Symphony.
FOCUS JAMI.
I mean I used to like working at Chapman.  I hate that it's gotten so bad.
JESUS JAMI.
Deep breath.
Re-focus.
Is this guitar sound just repeating the same chord over and over again?  That's annoying.  Defiantly going to try the bird sounds tomorrow.  Or maybe the waterfall.
Deep Breath.
Oh crap I have to sneeze.  Hold it in.  Not going to hold it in.
SNEEZE.
Now sniffling and trying to focus.
Should I get a kleenex?  No then you'll have to start all over.  Just snarfle.
I wonder what my Dr. is going to say when I bring up my post nasal drip next week.
FOCUS JAMI.
Why is this so fucking hard.  Just sit here and quiet your mind.  Shut the fuck up mind!  Maybe I shouldn't be swearing at myself.  That probably defeats the purpose of trying to find peace.
FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Deep breath.
I remember when Michele told me to count my breath in and out, that should help.  1...2...3...I'm so damn full though.  Ugh, it kind hurts to take too deep of a breath.  Why did I eat that 2nd fish taco.
FOCUS!!!!!!!!
I wonder if I should eat my fish tacos again tomorrow or maybe have that soup instead.
Why are my neighbors so noisy.  That woman is seriously screeching at something.
FOCUS JAMI.
Am I thinking?  I'm thinking.  Stop thinking Jami.  Hmmmm.  I seem to be thinking of my thinking.  Well that's new.
MY GAWD.
A text message comes through my phone.  Goddammit.  That's the downfall of using my phone.  I wonder who it is?  Should I stop and check.  Of course you shouldn't!  You're meditating!!!  MEDITATE FOR CHRISTS SAKE.
Man it's cold in here.  When did it get cold again?  It wasn't too bad the last few nights.
FOCUS.
Bell rings.

Sigh.

Jury Duty Musings...

I haven't been called for Jury Duty since I was married.
I've actually totally forgotten what you even do and had to go to the website and read the "What to Expect" stuff.
They called me when I was going Bottlerock.  I postponed to the 30th of June.  I came prepared with my tote full of snacks, water, my book, some magazines and a sweater.  Put on my Biz Casual Outfit and arrived ready to do my duty as a citizen or what the majority of the population think as a long ass boring day and fingers crossed you don't get called.
So - Musings of Jury Duty by Jami:

• NO ONE talks to each other.  (Although I was told by friends this changes later in the afternoon.  I didn't make it that far.  You'll see why below.)
• WiiFi sucks.
• It's awesome people watching.  The range from major Whiskey Tangos to suited up Biz folks to kids looking like they just rolled out of bed.
• There was a terrified nervous girl in a white dress.  This must be her 1st time.  She dressed as the appropriate virgin.
• There was an embarrassed dude that was there with his very loud and confused mom.
• Leggings aren't pants!!!!!
• There's a dude already sleeping.  We're 20 min in.
• The repeated announcement is getting annoying.
• So glad I got here early.  The seating is weird.  I got an aisle.
• Why do they keep calling random people up?  I assume these were "issues" or "excuses"
• There's some know-it-all lady talking about volunteering and what not.  Now people are asking her questions.  Some lady asked to use her phone charger.
• The skinniest judge ever greets us and tells us why Jury Duty is rad.  Stop.
• I can't stop staring at how much work this judge has had done.  I think all her fat got sucked out of her whole body into her lips.  Also why are her cheeks so high?
• We watch the very patriotic video about being a juror.  Kill me.
• The 1st call for jurors is happening.  Please don't call me. Please don't call me.  Please don't call me.  Yeeessssssssssssssss.
• Next time I'm bringing my laptop so I can live blog.
• I'm now reading my Jenny Lawson book.  I keep giggling out loud.  People keep looking at me.
• They have game shows on the TVs around the room.  It's a bit hard to drown it out so I find myself watching them a bit.
• I'm fucking rad at Family Feud. 
• Why do all the contestants suck at Family Fued?
• This contestant guessing Abe Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence actually caused a community moan from us bored jurors.
• I feel so bad for the gal that's doing roll call trying to pronounce all these names.
• Why do people pronounce my name Jammie.
• Seriously I'm an awesome game show contestant.  I just killed it in Chain Reaction.
• How is it not lunch time yet.
• My stomach is growling and I have no snacks left.
• Now she's doing a roll call for those excused for lunch.  WHAT?!  Don't we all get lunch at noon?
• She tells the people that can go to lunch to leave.
• A good hunk of us are wondering why we don't go to.
• This one woman has been standing near the exit door all morning.  I think she's trying to make a break for it.
• I start trying to think of a good way to ask the lady a chair over to share her delicious snack with me.
• They do another announcement - WE GET TO GO HOME!  Ha ha ha you lunch people!  
• I think the key is doing Jury Duty near a holiday weekend.  The courts want to peace out too.
• The mad rush to get checked out was hilarious.  You would have thought they were handing out free money.
• I took my time.  I have the rest of the day now!

My bestie was on vacay.  The rest of my afternoon turned into a 3 hour lunch.

Until next time!

Ladybug Rescue...

So I had a weirdly traumatic then happy event happen to me today.

I've had a bit of a crappy couple of days.  I was a bit grumpy for no reason yesterday, then today started the day with the attitude of "This day will be better!" after my morning routine of stretching and a few sun salutations practicing gratitude how can it not be right?

Then I have been in the HMO hell all morning.  My 1st year having HMO and I already hate it.  It's time for my yearly MRI which always makes me a bit anxious.  This is the MRI to make sure that stupid little tumor (Acoustic Nueroma) in my fucking head isn't growing which would then lead to having my head opened up and operated on.  So yes - a cause for a bit of anxiety.  This morning consisted of me being transferred to different people, calling my insurance, calling my doctor, everyone telling me to call the other person to schedule this fucking thing.  I still have not succeeded, but I am in a holding pattern which hopefully that next call will be the hospital saying - "Yes, come on in and get your MRI."   Fingers crossed.

Then to top off that nonsense, I'm battling my computer at work because the system I need to be working to actually to my job is down.  So - phone calls with insurance/doctors and at the same time emailing back and forth with our tech department.  I mean I know this is silly stupid stuff but I swear I felt like this:

Then my dad shows up for lunch.  We had to reschedule our usual Friday lunch date for today.  Things are looking up.  We have a lovely lunch of me trying to explain the story of Hamlet to him and us laughing and chatting as we do during my favorite weekly event.  I love you daddy.

Back in my office in a better mood.  No word from the Dr.  Computer is working.  Happy full belly.  I'm plugging along and I feel something move on my head.  I flick at it assuming it's my frizzy hair doing one of it's usual tickles.  I continue working.  A few minutes later I feel it again.  I again, reach up and flick at my hair - then I feel it.  Something alive.  My heart of course stops and I start to leap out of my chair when it flies up.  It's a lady bug.  I sigh with relief.  I can handle a lady bug.  I mean they're cute!  I watch as it flies up and up in my office hoping it will land soon so I can grab it and take it outside.  It flies up and into my light.

Oh shit.  It's going to die now.  I can't get it out of there!  I sit debating madly if our Facilities Department will actually come out to take a light down and rescue a lady bug.  Doubtful.  I sadly then try to forget about it.  I mean I can't rescue it.  I keep looking up at it.  It's flying around or crawling around but of course can't seem to find the one crack to get out.  I start to get upset.  My Gawd, this lady bug is going to die up in my light and I can't do anything about it and then there's going to be a dead lady bug forever up in my light and I know it's there and I start to get really sad an almost cry.  Yes, my emotions are a little frazzled right now but really?!  I keep telling myself.  It's just a little bug Jami.  You can't rescue it.  I mean if it was a fly I probably wouldn't care.  But all I keep picturing is this:

I mean lady bugs are cute!  We love them!!  One of my favorite movies - Under the Tucson Sun - she talks about lady bugs and it's a really important emotional moment in the movie!!  We love lady bugs and now this little one is going to fucking die in my light and I just have to watch.  I pull myself together and tearfully try to continue working.

About 20 minutes later when I've somewhat composed myself,  this amazing little lady bug lands right in front of my nose and startles me!!!!!  My co-worker was walking in my office at the exact same time to work on a project with me when I shrieked.  "Wait!!!!  Help me!"
He looked slightly confused as I gently pushed the lady bug into my palm and closed my hands around it.
"Hold doors open for me!" I shouted.  I was fucking giddy.
He followed me out the office and out the building opening the doors for me as I explained the dramatic lady bug rescue.

We got outside and I tossed the happy little lady bug out into a bush.

I seriously could burst with joy.

Yes my friends.  Sometimes it's the weirdest little things.  I might be slightly insane, but at least I admit (and write about) it.

Entire day is made!

Funny Come Back...

I just had to share.

I work with some pretty interesting folks.

We have a patio out in back of our building that a few of us lunch at quite often.  So I can understand when someone got annoyed and posted this sign:

Now, I am lucky enough that this hasn't been an issue for me but I can see how it would be and could ruin a perfectly yummy lunch.

We do have an employee here who often brings his adorable pooch to work.  I've been out on the patio when he has had to "do his business" and he's always taken very far away from said patio to do so.  Plus his frequent walks, etc. I never even thought of this as a problem.

Well, someone thought it was.

What I appreciate here, is instead of getting upset/angry, the response was quite hilarious:

Well played kids.  Well played.

The Universe gave me bananas...

I’m totally serious.

This is not a metaphor.

So here’s the story.  I know it’s random but I of course want to share.

Last weekend I actually had time to go to the Farmers Market where I got my fruit and veggies for the week.  As I’m sure you’re aware, most Farmer’s Markets don’t see bananas.  Later on that afternoon I went to the grocery store to get some other stuff and as I wandered by the produce/veggie section thought to myself “I got my goods at the market so I don’t need to go here”.  Not until Monday morning when I went to make my morning smoothie that I make every morning for breakfast did I realize I forgot to get bananas. 

I hate when I forget bananas.  You see bananas are the base of the smoothie!  Sigh.  I also hate when I forget something to purchase.  I am one of those people that HATES errands.  I like to go, get my stuff and be done.  If I have to go back out later because I forgot something I either don’t or I procrastinate or I whine endlessly to myself.  It’s a weird quirk I can’t explain it.  So as you can imagine this sucked.  So until Wednesday I just made my smoothies with no bananas (which are just not the same) and kept thinking I would swing by the store and grab some.  Come Wednesday afternoon, I found myself with nothing to do for my lunch that I quickly inhaled and decided to walk the Orange Circle.  I was excited at the thought of picking up a few cards for people and maybe getting bananas! 

The place I thought of – Watsons Drugstore was closed due to plumbing issues.  Damn.  I wanted to whole friggin Circle and there is nowhere to buy bananas.  There’s a little organic/vegan store called Bite Market that I thought would be a winner.  No.  Back to the office I went.  Dejected.

We have a corner of a counter in our workroom where people put stuff they don’t want.  It’s kind of like a free corner.  It’s not often there is stuff there except usually around the holidays when people are unloading candy and what not, or some people with food gardens bring in extra stuff, when an office gets cleaned out, etc. 

I was getting ready to leave for the day and swung by the mailroom to drop off a few letters and low and behold – BANANAS!  Three of them!  On the free corner!!!!  There has never been bananas there in the almost 4 years I’ve been working here.  I picked them up and turned around with a huge smile on my face that of course no one was around to see.  I squealed with delight and took the three free bananas.  I couldn’t believe it.  Bam – the universe gave me bananas.

I know this blog is silly.  But folks - it was so rad.  I didn't pray for bananas.  I didn't use the Laws of Attraction or whatever the hell that book thing is.  It just happened.  And that's all.  And that's rad.

A little catholic humor...

So it seems appropriate on this Ash Wednesday to share this story that will probably make most religious folks help pave my road to hell. But I was sharing this story today with a co-worker and she laughed hysterically. Then I realized that the people I have shared this with always seem to laugh. So – since I love to make people laugh, here’s a portion of my memoir I will someday write on my life that you may find funny or you may want to send me straight to hell.


My best friend is catholic. She doesn’t really practice as much now, but when we were kiddies growing up her family was very very catholic. Whenever I would knock on her door to ask if she could come out and play my timing was always the worst and would land right smack when they were doing their daily rosary thing. It was this video they watched and they held their beads and chanted Hail Mary like things along with said video. Every damn time I would knock, realize what they were doing, try to turn and run, her boisterous happy father would shout “Jami!!!!! Come in and do the rosary with us!” and yank me by my shirt sleeve, sit me down on the cold ripped up leather couch, hand me some beads and there I was. Stuck again. I would shoot my bestie looks as she silently giggled at the fact that I was getting sucked into this crap again.

Come her communion, I think it was called. We were teens and I had gone to church a bit when I was younger and was aware of the passing around of the crackers and grape juice sometimes during church. I loved this part. Free snack! Of course I was in. But I had gone to a Presbyterian church. Much more chill then the more hardcore religions out there. So bestie had invited me to go to this communion thing of hers. She had gone to classes and this was the sort of graduation I guess. Anywhoo, I arrived alone and sat in the back since I was late. Her family was all up front and probably would have saved me from this sinful move I’m about to tell you if they were sitting next to me and could have warned me.

Here goes – So after the million yearlong service of the man in the robes droning on about the bible there was a portion where everyone got up and got in line in front of the priest fellow. I sat there for a while, but when it was obvious that I was the only one not getting in line and I was getting angry looks from the people in line. So I thought “Maybe I’m supposed to do this as well as an audience member”. So I stepped in line. I was watching the people get a cracker looking thing from the man, then stepping next to this other guy and taking a drink from a big gold goblet. “OH!!!! This is the catholic form of snack time!” I thought to myself. Awesome, as my stomach was starting to growl anyway. I noticed the people would cup their hands a certain way and the priest would put the cracker in their hand and they would both say something. I kept trying to hear what they were saying but not able to. So my turn came. I cupped my hands like everyone else and he put the cracker in my hand. “Thanks man!” I said and promptly ate the cracker. It was nasty. It was sort of like a cardboard wafer. Nothing like the salty good mini crackers we used to get when I was a kid! I made a face and the priest cocked his head to the right with a slightly curious look in his eyes. I moved onto the drink person and took a big swig to wash out the nasty fake cracker taste. The drink man didn’t look as curious but more annoyed at me. I smiled and said “Thanks! ” As I turned to return to my seat I see some of the besties family looking at me mortified and mouthing “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”. I shrugged and sat down and did my best to stay awake for the remainder of the show.

Well. I come to find out later it’s pretty much blasphemy to take communion at a catholic church if you are not catholic. My bestie was mortified when she found out but laughed her ass off at the same time. When she asked me why on earth I would think to do this, I told her that everyone else got up and did it and they were all looking at me like the jackass so I thought I was supposed to. I didn’t want to embarrass her at her graduation. She just laughed and shook her head. Even though her mom wouldn’t speak to me for months after that, swearing I had committed a heinous crime, I thought it was funny. Her mom got over it. God didn’t strike me down with lighting or something when I ate my snack. The priest seemed more curious than mad and now it seems to make for a funny story.

I will tell you this though, I was invited to another catholic event of my friends baby getting the water splooshed on his head party and when everyone got up to get there snack and looked at me with menacing eyes, I just sat back and ate my granola bar and thought “I KNOW I’m not supposed to eat your nasty cracker so move on!”

Just some funnies...

So sometimes I like to share random happenings that may make you laugh or smile at my expense. I do sometimes believe that I was put on this earth to entertain so here ya go!

Warning: This 1st bit may be a bit graphic. So I was cutting a bagel a couple of weeks ago with my new paring knife from Fresh & Easy. I was wondering to myself if it’s a good one and BAM. Sliced the shit out of my thumb. I mean the kind of slice that blood gushes out of like a dam burst and it looks like your thumb now has a mouth. I run to the bathroom getting blood everywhere and hold it under cold water. As I’m trying with my good hand to get the Neosporin and band aids out, this is turning into a comic routine. Applying pressure, washing the gushing wound, trying to get a band aid open and on as well as the Neosporin with one hand is not easy. I succeeded. It took a few days of tight band aids to get the wound to start to heal. I actually think I probably should have gotten stiches but we seem to be ok now. On to funnier part – so this past Saturday morning, I’m cutting a bagel again with the very sharp paring knife from Fresh & Easy and I say out loud to my cats “Boy, I hope I don’t slice my finger again!” Before the word again is out of my mouth followed by a chuckle – BAM! I slice the damn finger AGAIN!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it. I screamed out loud to the girls “THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED!” as I’m running to the bathroom to rein act a few weeks prior’s comic routine. Luckily this cut wasn’t as gnarly, but I have two – yes two – slices on my thumb now right next to each other. Awesome.

So I’ve moved into a new pad, and I’m getting used to the new sounds. I keep hearing these rat-tat-tat noises on my roof. The girls and I both hear them, so I’m not hallucinating. WTF! It’s at all hours. I have found out there is a squirrel that likes to climb in the giant tree over my house and drop these pod things on my roof. Bastard.

There is apparently a college house a few houses down from me. It’s either a frat house or just a house with college boys, but there have already been a couple of large parties. The 1st one was during the day, and ended early it seemed. But the other one was HUGE. I came home late one Sat when apparently the cops had just broken it up. There were hundreds of kids walking down my street shouting and drinking. Luckily it was breaking up, so that didn’t last long, but when the hell did parties get so epic? Tying to this – a few days later I met our neighbor. She stopped by my house to introduce herself and I believe she is quite excited about gossip, or just really excited to tell me this: “So YOU know we had that awful party the other night right?!” I nod “Well, my son went out after it broke up to get something from his car and there was a couple HAVING SEX ON KAREN’S LAWN! Just right there in the open her ass straight up in the air! Can you believe it! Cars drive by, they don’t care!” I wasn’t sure if I was more in awe by the actual sex event or the fact that this is how she introduces herself to me.

And my last little tidbit is a bit corny and I am probably going to come off as a freak – but I’m really hoping it’s a sign. So you know I put my request for a man out there a few blogs back. Well I’m now seeing hearts everywhere! And no – it’s not because of V-day. I was in the shower one morning and two of the droplets on my shower curtain made a perfect heart. I point this out because it was such a perfect looking heart and I've never seen droplets look that way! Then I was washing my hands at a public sink and the reflection in the handle made a heart. It was the combo of shadow and the person behind me and light and it made a perfect heart. My girls were curled up on the couch together, which they rarely do anymore, and they were a perfect heart shape. Of course they moved when I tried to take a photo. Then this post popped up on my newsfeed right when I was thinking to myself how funny it is that I see hearts everywhere:

So maybe….just maybe it may be coming my way???? I don’t know, it may be false hope but I think it’s cute and it’s making me smile. Hope my ridiculous ramblings keep you entertained!