Meditating again...

This is one of those things I keep coming back to and trying again.
And again.
And again.
And....you get the point.

I know there are many ways to meditate.  There's yoga.  There's Tai Chi.  There's so many different options.  I kept thinking, well I just haven't found the right one. No.  The fact of the matter is I need to meditate the way you meditate - you sit your ass down, close your eyes and clear your mind.  That's the one I've noticed improvement when I do it.  I can't deny it.  I just don't want to.

So - here we go again.  It's 2020.  I'm in a rut.  I'm quite stressed out and having a lot of losing battles with anxiety.  Let's fucking do this.  It's only going to help.  I need to stop making excuses (I'm tired, I was drinking, blah blah) and just do it.

I'm always open to finding anything that can help me get going and I read about this particular app in a magazine.  So far I like it!  I can set a timer for 10 min.  That's my goal.  To meditate for 10 minutes.

10 minutes Jami.

You can do it.

If you all recall this is how my meditation usually goes - blog.

I'm 8 days into the new year and have only missed one night and that was a night I stayed over at my boyfriends house and thought it would be weird if I told him and his daughter "Be right back...gonna go meditate."

There are different ways to do this kind of meditation - Guided, which is what I like.  You have music or sounds or something and then a bell that signifies the end.  You can just sit in silence.  You can (My boyfriend has tried this one) sit and stare at like a wall or something and try to clear your mind.  You can chant.  Etc. Etc.

Unfortunately these nights have basically gone like so:

Start app.
Try to get comfortable in my crossed legged position on my chair.  This takes the 1st 2 minutes of the meditation.
Close my eyes.  Take deep breaths and try to focus.
I don't think I like this sound choice.  I'll have to try the birds tomorrow.
Why does my refrigerator make so much goddamn noise.
I don't want to go to work tomorrow.  I'm so miserable.
FOCUS JAMI.
Shit I have to make sure to email that documentation to Finance.
Ugh, why does work cause me so much stress.  I really need to find another job.  I can't remember the last time I had this much anxiety due to work.  Oh yes I do - my last job.  Pacific Symphony.
FOCUS JAMI.
I mean I used to like working at Chapman.  I hate that it's gotten so bad.
JESUS JAMI.
Deep breath.
Re-focus.
Is this guitar sound just repeating the same chord over and over again?  That's annoying.  Defiantly going to try the bird sounds tomorrow.  Or maybe the waterfall.
Deep Breath.
Oh crap I have to sneeze.  Hold it in.  Not going to hold it in.
SNEEZE.
Now sniffling and trying to focus.
Should I get a kleenex?  No then you'll have to start all over.  Just snarfle.
I wonder what my Dr. is going to say when I bring up my post nasal drip next week.
FOCUS JAMI.
Why is this so fucking hard.  Just sit here and quiet your mind.  Shut the fuck up mind!  Maybe I shouldn't be swearing at myself.  That probably defeats the purpose of trying to find peace.
FOR FUCKS SAKE.
Deep breath.
I remember when Michele told me to count my breath in and out, that should help.  1...2...3...I'm so damn full though.  Ugh, it kind hurts to take too deep of a breath.  Why did I eat that 2nd fish taco.
FOCUS!!!!!!!!
I wonder if I should eat my fish tacos again tomorrow or maybe have that soup instead.
Why are my neighbors so noisy.  That woman is seriously screeching at something.
FOCUS JAMI.
Am I thinking?  I'm thinking.  Stop thinking Jami.  Hmmmm.  I seem to be thinking of my thinking.  Well that's new.
MY GAWD.
A text message comes through my phone.  Goddammit.  That's the downfall of using my phone.  I wonder who it is?  Should I stop and check.  Of course you shouldn't!  You're meditating!!!  MEDITATE FOR CHRISTS SAKE.
Man it's cold in here.  When did it get cold again?  It wasn't too bad the last few nights.
FOCUS.
Bell rings.

Sigh.