Married 9 Years...

Today I would have been married 9 years.
Just writing that sentence sounds odd. 9 years. I would be planning something special for our 10 year anniversary next year. I cant help but wonder if the ex hadnt turned out to be a coke headed, lying piece of shit thief - how we would have ended up? Would I still be working here? Would he still be trying to make it as a singer? Maybe he would have made it with my connections and nudging? Maybe we'd have a kid. (eeck!) Maybe we would have bought a condo or traveled the world. Maybe, maybe maybe....
But no. That is not how it worked out in the Palkoner/McCoy union 9 years ago today. That is not how it worked out at all. Instead what was a beautiful amazing day turned out to be the begining of a long drawn out downhill spiral called our marriage. Instead the ex turned out to be an infederate liar. Instead the ex never held a job, and would lie about working until I saw past due bills come across my path. Instead the ex would get into cocaine and blow (no pun intended) some of our money that way. Instead the ex would completely ruin me financially and stick me with a debt soaring high over 20K that I'm still paying off today. So I guess he didnt leave me totally empty handed. He did leave me something to remember him by. Once a month. When I make that payment and cry and try to figure out how I'll make it to my next paycheck. Thru the grapevine I have heard that now he is engaged to a gal and they live in LA with a dog. That is all I know. That is all I care to know. I wish him the worst. I do not forgive and forget like people who have bigger hearts then me. I just dont. There's no love lost. The only thing I hope, is that he's changed and he wont destroy another woman's life like he did mine. He wont make her wary to date. Wary to trust. Wary to get invovled in anything with meaning. Struggling to make ends meet when before she was fine. She had a savings. She had dreams of buying a house someday. She loved to love. She enjoyed having a husband. She wanted it to work. So bad. So bad. I hope. For her sake.
But I will say this - 9 years ago today was one of the best weddings ever. 250+ were there. It overlooked San Clemente beach and pier. It was a perfect, clear, warm August day. Erin sang. Fatima sang. Daddy and I danced to "Little Miss Trouble" by T.O.P. Wine and beer was free flowing. The food was delish. My mother's decorations were beautiful fantasies. The flowers were bountiful. My girls looked fab in thier hawiann sundresses. I looked like a princess in my simple gown, floor length vail and white birkenstoks. It was perfect. I wont take that day back. That day will live in my memory forever.
Will I get married again? Doubt it. Will I be in a relationship again? I can now say yes. Someone is in my life now making me smile. I'm wary and scared but happy. I'm taking it day by day.
I'm not sad today. I honestly dont even really feel like I was ever really married. I just find it interesting. I seem to be working on getting to a good place in my life right now and this is good.
9 years ago today. One of the most beautiful days of my life leading into 5 of the worst years of my life.