Write about leaving.
When I saw this assignment and the first thing that comes to mind is when I left my husband.
Its really the only time that felt like leaving. Leaving a life I thought was going to work out, that we'd be happy, that I'd be married to this man the rest of my life.
This was that morning.
I woke up and something was wrong. He had been falling back again, keeping things from me, the lies, the dis-trust, it was flowing back slowly. Painfully. I didnt want to accept what I already knew. He left early. He said he had a meeting. I came downstairs. Something isnt right. I began too look around for the satchel that he swore he'd left at work. The satchel that supposedly carried the proof he was working, proof he was paying his bills, etc etc. Our therapist had suggested he show these things to me regulary. It had been a few months. I walked into the garage. There it was. Underneath some things. Underneath some of the drug paraphanalia he had said he stopped. I pulled it out. Out spilled overdue bills. So many. I carried it inside, set it on the counter and called him. There was a silence at the other end of the line. He knew this was the end. He fucked up for the last time. He hadnt been working for 3 months.
I hung up the phone and turned. The time on the microwave blinked a bright green 6:45. I walked outside, sat on the ground of my patio and started to cry. My neighbor's teenage angry daughter had a fight with her mother about 20 minutes earlier. Her room faced my patio and she had Lincoln Park's song "Numb" on repeat and was screaming along to the loud music. How appropriate. I called my job to tell them I was not coming in today. I then called my mother.
She calmed me down, and suggested some things I do. I added up the total amount we owed. I didnt have that money. I called him again, he was to call his rich relative to borrow the amount. I called all the companies telling them the money was coming. My roomate came downstairs and I broke the news to him. He hugged me and left for work. My husband came home. We talked. We cried. He was to leave until I moved out. I couldnt look at him.
Within a few weeks I had found another place to live. My roomate and I and our pets all moved out and I left the marriage I tried so hard to fix. A marriage that was un-fixable. A marriage that was never meant to be. This was one of the most painful moments in my life. My heart was broken, shattered. I was confused and angry. I did nothing wrong. I left. I left a part of my life that was tearing me apart and sending me down a spiraling finanical hole. But I left. I will never forget that morning.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Today's attempt...
I'm working on it.
I'm working on my life.
So tonight I was a good girl and marched on the treadmill for almost an hour since its a fucking rainstorm raging outside (I am in CA right?) of course followed by a cig and a glass or two of wine...hey I said I'm trying. I decided to have a bath. I dont know what it is about crappy cold weather outside that makes me want a bath. So I slap on a mask, fill the tub with Lavender salts and try to quiet my busy busy mind. I later find myself on the floor staring at the ceiling wondering what to do with life. I did decide I want to write more. You cant force creativity, and I havent had the urge to blog too much lately. I have been journaling some, but not as much. Its kind of funny when some of my better writing comes when I'm really down (Shit I should have written last Friday Night). Anywhoo, a little nudge at the creativity never hurts. So I bought The Writers Book of Days a while back. I did it for a few months, but tinkered off...so I thought I'd write some here. Not every day, but days like tonight when I'm craving a bit of writing. I'll pick up the book, go to today's assignment and share it with whoever actually still read this blog. So here we go:
"Look out your window, write what you see"
When I peer out my childhood window the dark engulfs the world. One of my furry companions hops up and stares out with me. Everything is wet and battered, plants drooping, puddles fading, the glass is cold against my nose. I start to remember growing up in this room - staring out this very same window wanting so bad to move on in the world. I've climbed out of this window. I remember Jason used to sneak over the fence and softly rap on my window some nights. He was my very first "french" kiss. I remember the blackberry bush mom planted out there - I'm sure to keep me from future sneak outs. When I recently moved back home there was a rose bush and a single beautiful red rose bloomed right outside. I'd lay in bed and stare at its beauty hoping to get my life back on track again. Here I am, looking outside wanting to get out again. So many years later. Life's outlook is different now though. All grown up...sort of. Now I appreciate more the work my mom has put into her garden. So many plants and life. They survived the storms, and will survive the next few rolling in. I cant wait for Spring.
I'm working on my life.
So tonight I was a good girl and marched on the treadmill for almost an hour since its a fucking rainstorm raging outside (I am in CA right?) of course followed by a cig and a glass or two of wine...hey I said I'm trying. I decided to have a bath. I dont know what it is about crappy cold weather outside that makes me want a bath. So I slap on a mask, fill the tub with Lavender salts and try to quiet my busy busy mind. I later find myself on the floor staring at the ceiling wondering what to do with life. I did decide I want to write more. You cant force creativity, and I havent had the urge to blog too much lately. I have been journaling some, but not as much. Its kind of funny when some of my better writing comes when I'm really down (Shit I should have written last Friday Night). Anywhoo, a little nudge at the creativity never hurts. So I bought The Writers Book of Days a while back. I did it for a few months, but tinkered off...so I thought I'd write some here. Not every day, but days like tonight when I'm craving a bit of writing. I'll pick up the book, go to today's assignment and share it with whoever actually still read this blog. So here we go:
"Look out your window, write what you see"
When I peer out my childhood window the dark engulfs the world. One of my furry companions hops up and stares out with me. Everything is wet and battered, plants drooping, puddles fading, the glass is cold against my nose. I start to remember growing up in this room - staring out this very same window wanting so bad to move on in the world. I've climbed out of this window. I remember Jason used to sneak over the fence and softly rap on my window some nights. He was my very first "french" kiss. I remember the blackberry bush mom planted out there - I'm sure to keep me from future sneak outs. When I recently moved back home there was a rose bush and a single beautiful red rose bloomed right outside. I'd lay in bed and stare at its beauty hoping to get my life back on track again. Here I am, looking outside wanting to get out again. So many years later. Life's outlook is different now though. All grown up...sort of. Now I appreciate more the work my mom has put into her garden. So many plants and life. They survived the storms, and will survive the next few rolling in. I cant wait for Spring.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
My hopes...
Its now 2010.
A new year. A new beginning. Time for change.
We all say that at each new year I know, I've been saying every year since I was old enough to understand the concept. I'll be turning 34 this year and I'm tired of things not happening. As you saw in my last blog, last year was full of extreme ups and extreme downs. I'd like to look at that as the year I fought. The year I battled my emotions. Yes, I've done that for years but it seems this time around instead of falling into that deep dark depression I can sometimes find myself drowning in, I found that I was more frustrated. More angry. More of a fighter. I think this is a good thing. I believe that is prepping me for what is going to happen in this year. No more. Shit needs to happen and this is the year it better. I'm prepared for a fight. I'm prepared for challenges. I think things have taken their toll on me for sure but I feel better that my attitude seems to be more of a fighter spirit this time around instead of giving up and drowning my sorrows.
I don't make resolutions, but I do have hopes for this year.
I want to go back to school. I'm not quite sure for what yet, I'm actually thinking of something in the medical field. X-ray technician or something like that. I basically want a secure job that will have a retirement and pay me decently enough to get out of this monster debt and out of my mom's house.
I want my body back. She's taken a beating this past year, a combination of laziness, age and battles. I will always eat what I want, but I plan to be much more physically active this year, quit smoking and get all those damn doctor visits I've been putting off taken care of.
I want to move out. This will hopefully happen before I necessarily go back to school and change careers. I do hope I can at least get back on my feet and out the door with some budget help and finding ways to make some extra dough.
There are other things I want - like finding love or at least some more fun times, or writing a book, or getting some of my photography seen but they will come. These things will fall into place.
I have to make this happen this year. I will.
A new year. A new beginning. Time for change.
We all say that at each new year I know, I've been saying every year since I was old enough to understand the concept. I'll be turning 34 this year and I'm tired of things not happening. As you saw in my last blog, last year was full of extreme ups and extreme downs. I'd like to look at that as the year I fought. The year I battled my emotions. Yes, I've done that for years but it seems this time around instead of falling into that deep dark depression I can sometimes find myself drowning in, I found that I was more frustrated. More angry. More of a fighter. I think this is a good thing. I believe that is prepping me for what is going to happen in this year. No more. Shit needs to happen and this is the year it better. I'm prepared for a fight. I'm prepared for challenges. I think things have taken their toll on me for sure but I feel better that my attitude seems to be more of a fighter spirit this time around instead of giving up and drowning my sorrows.
I don't make resolutions, but I do have hopes for this year.
I want to go back to school. I'm not quite sure for what yet, I'm actually thinking of something in the medical field. X-ray technician or something like that. I basically want a secure job that will have a retirement and pay me decently enough to get out of this monster debt and out of my mom's house.
I want my body back. She's taken a beating this past year, a combination of laziness, age and battles. I will always eat what I want, but I plan to be much more physically active this year, quit smoking and get all those damn doctor visits I've been putting off taken care of.
I want to move out. This will hopefully happen before I necessarily go back to school and change careers. I do hope I can at least get back on my feet and out the door with some budget help and finding ways to make some extra dough.
There are other things I want - like finding love or at least some more fun times, or writing a book, or getting some of my photography seen but they will come. These things will fall into place.
I have to make this happen this year. I will.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
2009...
Time for my year end review.
I'm not going to lie, its been hella rough - in fact the damn year started off horribly for me - New Years Day - woke up with a HORRIBLE stomach flu and had to miss rehearsal the DAY BEFORE WE OPENED. Happy New Year to me. Ouch. 2009 has been a rough year. So many of us - more then ever - fighting the crashing economy, unemployment, etc etc. It blew. It blew hard. I dont think alot of people are going to be sad to see 2009 go - Dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!!! But anyhoo - It aint all bad - so here's my year end review:
January
I was in a show at Rude Guerrilla - Love Song. It did ok. Wasnt one of my favorite experiences, but I do always love being onstage. I think my favorite part of January was I had signed up for Kickball! I played for 2 seasons, sadly we're not playing currently but there is talk of starting back up again in the Spring. I met some fantastic new people and have made some more great friends! Kickball is a blast, you play (yup-same game as when you were 8!) then head to the bar afterwards and play Flip Cup. Our team was the Drunken Degenerates. No - we werent a great team, but we certainly always had the best time!
February
Superbowl Sunday - partied at Marky's, but sadly later that night I ended my relationship with Shawn. We're still friends, he was a great guy but we just were not meant to be. So of course - Valentine's Day brought my Anti-Valentines Day Bowling Bash! A group of friends met up at Strike OC and had a great fucking time! Later on that month was my bday. 33. It was a rainy crappy day so a bunch of my faboo friends met up at District Lounge in Orange and celebrated me. Good times!
March
I got a job. Out of desperation I took a job at the Symphony. I cant say I'm happy there, but I'm doing the best I can. March also brought a fantastic OCC reunion at Bistro 400. We had a great party that night and saw some old faces I've missed so much. A sad part of March brought the closing of Rude Guerrilla. We did a reading that night and closed our doors to a full house. The theater was filled with laughter, tears and overwhelming emotion. I had gone through the closing of the opera a few months prior and closing down the theater I'd been a huge part of for so many years was almost too much for me to take. That was a tough month.
April
April of course always brings Easter! We had our usual bash - lots of friends this year and our annual "Adult Easter Egg" hunt. The war was a good one this year - lots of laughter and a few bruises. We also had a fabulous Tea Party for Miss Jenn's baby shower. Wonderful turn out, lots of lovely ladies - hats and all - for a darling Tea Party - mini sandwiches and all. Later that month April brought us our beautiful little Bella. Welcome to the world little one.
May
May of course is Doheny Blues Festival. This year Shane and D joined Dad, T and I for a day/evening of amazing music - topped off by BB King and an earthquake. Yup - he rocks that hard. Another fabulous concert was Gogol Bordello - as per usual! A handful of us got a hotel up in Pomona and watched Gogol tear it up as always.
Had a faboo kickball BBQ that month as well at my bro's house - lots of drinking, games and people getting thrown in the pool. Later on in May I headed to Havasu with the boys. Drove myself this year and got a mobile home with 3 other ladies. The weather was perfect this year and we had a blast!
June
Most of June was spent at the Bro's house lounging in the pool with friends and fam. Sunday Fundays are the best! There was a Kickball Bike Pub Crawl somewhere in there, some hiking in Irvine Park and a very chill Daddy's Day. This was the month I also attended Jenna's wedding. This is a little one I used to babysit - watching her walk down the aisle aged me slightly. She of course made a beautiful bride and the wedding was gorgeous. We also had a surprise party for our friend Mr. Dorman - huge turn out, great night. Mom, Petey and I threw a Beach Themed Tea Party this month as well. Wonderful food and wonderful friends.
July
Fair Time!!!!! I only went twice this year. Jay took me one night and treated me like a princess. Dad and I went, this year joined by so many more and had a drunken good time. More Sunday Fundays. July was also the Punk Rock Baby Shower for one of my best friends Mitzy. It fucking ruled. I think mom and I have moved up even higher in the party throwing world. Dammit I love that we know how to throw a party. I also accompained Miss Ber to Mighty Mighty Bostones that month - had never seen them live and was so glad I did - They rock! But the biggest highlight this month was Kelly's Beach. There is a prior blog of course, but Holy Hell - talk about a crazy weekend! 105, 6 hour float down the river, more booze then I've seen in a long time - so much fun - little nutty - little overwhelming - but I'm totally in for next year and I'm sure Miss T will be right there with me!
August
This month was a bit brutal. One of my dear friends had a massive stroke. It was one of the toughest weeks of my life. It took everything in my power to be the rock they needed and not fall apart. He's doing amazingly now and I am so thankful for that. It brought alot of us closer together, but was quite trying to say the least.
Later on that month I drove to Texas. Yup, a comrade and I drove to San Antonio for a conference - the day by day blog is here, but lord - never again. The start of month was a good one for sure - we had our (whats becoming annual) trip to Vegas with the girls. So much fun as we usually do and I did quite a bit of damage in the shopping sections as well....
And of course August brought us our beautiful little punk rocker Simon. Welcome to the world rockstar!
September
Was a month of shows. Saw Paulo Nutini and Airborne Toxic Event in concert and saw a handful of friends of mine in theater productions. September of course also brings Street Fair Weekend. I beleive I partied the ENTIRE weekend. Drinking, eating, bike riding, etc etc etc. So much fun!!!
October
October began with a weekend away at our San Clemente time share. So relaxing and just what the Dr. ordered. T came down and we did a spur of the moment concert trip - saw The Agrolytes - never knew em, now love them. We also saw Gogol again that month and got to bring the bro - he now loves them as well. This was also the month I threw a very successful fundraiser for Petey. We raised tons of funds and had a lovely time. And what would October be without Halloween!!! Our usual crew got together and went to Haunt - this time hotel style. So much fun. I also threw my annual Halloween Party here at the house. Costumes were fantastic!! I love love the creativity my friends bring!
November
Rollin into the holidays. Thanksgiving was perfect. Nice and chill and humourous. Monday night football at Tommy's Pastrami becoming a regular occurence.
December
Here we are. Christmas has come and gone. It was very nice and very mellow. Julie/Gabe threw a great holiday party earlier this month. I get a few days off next week and plan on bringing in the New Year with my bro and friends.
So there it is. 2009 is pretty much done. This year has been full of good and bad, and the weird thing is - extreme good and bad. I suppose it balances out? I've met some fun boys, had some dates, have some crushes but I'm still single. Happily single though, no pining right now. My job has been excrutiating, but I'm hoping something works out in that area - thats a tough one that will take some major soul searching I believe. My body is terrilby out of shape and angry - but thats my next main focus. I dont make resolutions, but I do plan on getting off my lazy ass and taking care of it asap. I've made some really great new friends, I've become closer to some of my friends and grown apart from others. This of course is always bittersweet but things always happen for a reason right? I'm broke. I'm no sooner moving out of here then I was this time last year, but then again - who isnt. So its time. Time for change. Time for a new year and new possibilties. I'm cautiously optomistic for 2010. I think its going to be good. I really do.
Happy New Year my blog readers! I appreciate you all paying me a visit here, and following my wacky writings. I love you all and wish you the best in the upcoming New Year!
I'm not going to lie, its been hella rough - in fact the damn year started off horribly for me - New Years Day - woke up with a HORRIBLE stomach flu and had to miss rehearsal the DAY BEFORE WE OPENED. Happy New Year to me. Ouch. 2009 has been a rough year. So many of us - more then ever - fighting the crashing economy, unemployment, etc etc. It blew. It blew hard. I dont think alot of people are going to be sad to see 2009 go - Dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!!! But anyhoo - It aint all bad - so here's my year end review:
January
I was in a show at Rude Guerrilla - Love Song. It did ok. Wasnt one of my favorite experiences, but I do always love being onstage. I think my favorite part of January was I had signed up for Kickball! I played for 2 seasons, sadly we're not playing currently but there is talk of starting back up again in the Spring. I met some fantastic new people and have made some more great friends! Kickball is a blast, you play (yup-same game as when you were 8!) then head to the bar afterwards and play Flip Cup. Our team was the Drunken Degenerates. No - we werent a great team, but we certainly always had the best time!
February
Superbowl Sunday - partied at Marky's, but sadly later that night I ended my relationship with Shawn. We're still friends, he was a great guy but we just were not meant to be. So of course - Valentine's Day brought my Anti-Valentines Day Bowling Bash! A group of friends met up at Strike OC and had a great fucking time! Later on that month was my bday. 33. It was a rainy crappy day so a bunch of my faboo friends met up at District Lounge in Orange and celebrated me. Good times!
March
I got a job. Out of desperation I took a job at the Symphony. I cant say I'm happy there, but I'm doing the best I can. March also brought a fantastic OCC reunion at Bistro 400. We had a great party that night and saw some old faces I've missed so much. A sad part of March brought the closing of Rude Guerrilla. We did a reading that night and closed our doors to a full house. The theater was filled with laughter, tears and overwhelming emotion. I had gone through the closing of the opera a few months prior and closing down the theater I'd been a huge part of for so many years was almost too much for me to take. That was a tough month.
April
April of course always brings Easter! We had our usual bash - lots of friends this year and our annual "Adult Easter Egg" hunt. The war was a good one this year - lots of laughter and a few bruises. We also had a fabulous Tea Party for Miss Jenn's baby shower. Wonderful turn out, lots of lovely ladies - hats and all - for a darling Tea Party - mini sandwiches and all. Later that month April brought us our beautiful little Bella. Welcome to the world little one.
May
May of course is Doheny Blues Festival. This year Shane and D joined Dad, T and I for a day/evening of amazing music - topped off by BB King and an earthquake. Yup - he rocks that hard. Another fabulous concert was Gogol Bordello - as per usual! A handful of us got a hotel up in Pomona and watched Gogol tear it up as always.
Had a faboo kickball BBQ that month as well at my bro's house - lots of drinking, games and people getting thrown in the pool. Later on in May I headed to Havasu with the boys. Drove myself this year and got a mobile home with 3 other ladies. The weather was perfect this year and we had a blast!
June
Most of June was spent at the Bro's house lounging in the pool with friends and fam. Sunday Fundays are the best! There was a Kickball Bike Pub Crawl somewhere in there, some hiking in Irvine Park and a very chill Daddy's Day. This was the month I also attended Jenna's wedding. This is a little one I used to babysit - watching her walk down the aisle aged me slightly. She of course made a beautiful bride and the wedding was gorgeous. We also had a surprise party for our friend Mr. Dorman - huge turn out, great night. Mom, Petey and I threw a Beach Themed Tea Party this month as well. Wonderful food and wonderful friends.
July
Fair Time!!!!! I only went twice this year. Jay took me one night and treated me like a princess. Dad and I went, this year joined by so many more and had a drunken good time. More Sunday Fundays. July was also the Punk Rock Baby Shower for one of my best friends Mitzy. It fucking ruled. I think mom and I have moved up even higher in the party throwing world. Dammit I love that we know how to throw a party. I also accompained Miss Ber to Mighty Mighty Bostones that month - had never seen them live and was so glad I did - They rock! But the biggest highlight this month was Kelly's Beach. There is a prior blog of course, but Holy Hell - talk about a crazy weekend! 105, 6 hour float down the river, more booze then I've seen in a long time - so much fun - little nutty - little overwhelming - but I'm totally in for next year and I'm sure Miss T will be right there with me!
August
This month was a bit brutal. One of my dear friends had a massive stroke. It was one of the toughest weeks of my life. It took everything in my power to be the rock they needed and not fall apart. He's doing amazingly now and I am so thankful for that. It brought alot of us closer together, but was quite trying to say the least.
Later on that month I drove to Texas. Yup, a comrade and I drove to San Antonio for a conference - the day by day blog is here, but lord - never again. The start of month was a good one for sure - we had our (whats becoming annual) trip to Vegas with the girls. So much fun as we usually do and I did quite a bit of damage in the shopping sections as well....
And of course August brought us our beautiful little punk rocker Simon. Welcome to the world rockstar!
September
Was a month of shows. Saw Paulo Nutini and Airborne Toxic Event in concert and saw a handful of friends of mine in theater productions. September of course also brings Street Fair Weekend. I beleive I partied the ENTIRE weekend. Drinking, eating, bike riding, etc etc etc. So much fun!!!
October
October began with a weekend away at our San Clemente time share. So relaxing and just what the Dr. ordered. T came down and we did a spur of the moment concert trip - saw The Agrolytes - never knew em, now love them. We also saw Gogol again that month and got to bring the bro - he now loves them as well. This was also the month I threw a very successful fundraiser for Petey. We raised tons of funds and had a lovely time. And what would October be without Halloween!!! Our usual crew got together and went to Haunt - this time hotel style. So much fun. I also threw my annual Halloween Party here at the house. Costumes were fantastic!! I love love the creativity my friends bring!
November
Rollin into the holidays. Thanksgiving was perfect. Nice and chill and humourous. Monday night football at Tommy's Pastrami becoming a regular occurence.
December
Here we are. Christmas has come and gone. It was very nice and very mellow. Julie/Gabe threw a great holiday party earlier this month. I get a few days off next week and plan on bringing in the New Year with my bro and friends.
So there it is. 2009 is pretty much done. This year has been full of good and bad, and the weird thing is - extreme good and bad. I suppose it balances out? I've met some fun boys, had some dates, have some crushes but I'm still single. Happily single though, no pining right now. My job has been excrutiating, but I'm hoping something works out in that area - thats a tough one that will take some major soul searching I believe. My body is terrilby out of shape and angry - but thats my next main focus. I dont make resolutions, but I do plan on getting off my lazy ass and taking care of it asap. I've made some really great new friends, I've become closer to some of my friends and grown apart from others. This of course is always bittersweet but things always happen for a reason right? I'm broke. I'm no sooner moving out of here then I was this time last year, but then again - who isnt. So its time. Time for change. Time for a new year and new possibilties. I'm cautiously optomistic for 2010. I think its going to be good. I really do.
Happy New Year my blog readers! I appreciate you all paying me a visit here, and following my wacky writings. I love you all and wish you the best in the upcoming New Year!
Monday, December 14, 2009
My wedding diamond...
My wedding ring is now a necklace.
I would have probably sold it, or hocked it or even burned it but it was my mother's diamond. One of the most special things about my wedding ring was that it was my mother's. No, her marriage didnt work out eithier, but she always kept her ring. She then passed it on to me when I got married.
After the divorce, people asked me if I kept my wedding ring. Yes, I'd say, because my mom's diamond is in there. I'd pull out the ring every now and again and have those painful heart tugs at what could have been. The white gold of the ring started to tarnish after time and not taking care of it, and I'd gaze at the symbolism of my tarnished marriage. The betrayel, the lies, my financial ruin, and more lies.
I told my mom one day I'd like to melt the ring into something else. I want to hold onto to that diamond, its special. I'm sure my mom gazed at that same jewel after her divorce feeling similar pangs of loss. We share this, mom and I. This diamond is special.
So mom took the ring to a friend of hers who had a jeweler. It was gone for so long I had honestly forgotten about it (which I'm sure mom had planned). The other day she said "I know we're not buying Christmas presents for each other this year (aaah the economy) but I wanted to give you this."
There it was.
My ring. Now a necklace. The teeny tiny emeralds have been removed and the diamond is set in a round setting with little diamonds surrounding it. Its beautiful. And so sparkly!
I took the necklace out today and gazed it. Maybe this can be a symbol too. I took a painful memory of my past, a life changing moment that still stings and had it turned into something new and beautiful. Maybe, like my diamond, I can become something new and beautiful too.
I would have probably sold it, or hocked it or even burned it but it was my mother's diamond. One of the most special things about my wedding ring was that it was my mother's. No, her marriage didnt work out eithier, but she always kept her ring. She then passed it on to me when I got married.
After the divorce, people asked me if I kept my wedding ring. Yes, I'd say, because my mom's diamond is in there. I'd pull out the ring every now and again and have those painful heart tugs at what could have been. The white gold of the ring started to tarnish after time and not taking care of it, and I'd gaze at the symbolism of my tarnished marriage. The betrayel, the lies, my financial ruin, and more lies.
I told my mom one day I'd like to melt the ring into something else. I want to hold onto to that diamond, its special. I'm sure my mom gazed at that same jewel after her divorce feeling similar pangs of loss. We share this, mom and I. This diamond is special.
So mom took the ring to a friend of hers who had a jeweler. It was gone for so long I had honestly forgotten about it (which I'm sure mom had planned). The other day she said "I know we're not buying Christmas presents for each other this year (aaah the economy) but I wanted to give you this."
There it was.
My ring. Now a necklace. The teeny tiny emeralds have been removed and the diamond is set in a round setting with little diamonds surrounding it. Its beautiful. And so sparkly!
I took the necklace out today and gazed it. Maybe this can be a symbol too. I took a painful memory of my past, a life changing moment that still stings and had it turned into something new and beautiful. Maybe, like my diamond, I can become something new and beautiful too.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The holiday season begins...
Turkey Day has come and gone, Xmas lights and decorations are amuck, everywhere you go the holiday music is playing. I'm always a mixed bag around this time of year, but I will say this - its better then last. Granted I'm broker then broke - Thank GAWD we decided to draw names this year so we only get one gift. I have a handful of angel gifts I'll be spending most my holiday monies on - my heart breaks for these people who have no one. I was thrilled when 10 of my friends jumped on board and participated....still hopin they all pull thru...otherwise I"ll be getting a few more...
Last year at this time I moved back home. Thanksgiving weekend to be exact. It was an awful year, gramma was ill, I was down, D and I both recently unemployed. Our Turkey day was a bittersweet gathering of us eating bad prime rib and drinking. ALOT.
This year has been rough. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm trying. Trying so hard. But the best thing as always is being surrounded by friends and family. The holidays may get commercial, and make people crazy, and some days I do just want to throw a Xmas tree thru the window, but there is the good.
We had a typical McCoy Thanksgiving this year.
D and the bro hosted and decided to attempt to deep fry a turkey for the 1st time. The entire process seemed a little too much work in my opinion but was comedy to watch. Bro with the giant rubber gloves, dad shouting instructions then both of them staring at the fryer wondering what was going to happen next - but of course playing it off like they knew what they were doing. Gramma didnt make again, but I did pick up my 94 year old Papa. He happily had a couple of beers (gramma not there to nag him) and watched the game and the deep fryer comedy. Mom brought so much stuff as well and our friends Nat and roomie were there also. Our holidays tend to always include a few of our friends whose family isnt local and I love it. We all ate too much, watched the Cowboys win and laughed the night away. The later crew - Nat, bro, D, me and another friend joined us later - played cranium. We did drink alot again this year but topping it of with hours of cranium was just the entertainment I needed.
The rest of the weekend was lovely. I drank mimosas while I watched mom and the roomie decorate for Xmas, I got alot done, I slept, I ate.
Going back to work was rough. I'm so unhappy there and I'm waiting and hoping this economy will turn around. I need something that makes me happy.
Still no answers from my shooting star, I'm a little frustrated but I'm trying to be patient. Life goes on. I'm battling the bad days but embracing the good ones. Now if I could just find a little motivation I'd be golden....
Last year at this time I moved back home. Thanksgiving weekend to be exact. It was an awful year, gramma was ill, I was down, D and I both recently unemployed. Our Turkey day was a bittersweet gathering of us eating bad prime rib and drinking. ALOT.
This year has been rough. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm trying. Trying so hard. But the best thing as always is being surrounded by friends and family. The holidays may get commercial, and make people crazy, and some days I do just want to throw a Xmas tree thru the window, but there is the good.
We had a typical McCoy Thanksgiving this year.
D and the bro hosted and decided to attempt to deep fry a turkey for the 1st time. The entire process seemed a little too much work in my opinion but was comedy to watch. Bro with the giant rubber gloves, dad shouting instructions then both of them staring at the fryer wondering what was going to happen next - but of course playing it off like they knew what they were doing. Gramma didnt make again, but I did pick up my 94 year old Papa. He happily had a couple of beers (gramma not there to nag him) and watched the game and the deep fryer comedy. Mom brought so much stuff as well and our friends Nat and roomie were there also. Our holidays tend to always include a few of our friends whose family isnt local and I love it. We all ate too much, watched the Cowboys win and laughed the night away. The later crew - Nat, bro, D, me and another friend joined us later - played cranium. We did drink alot again this year but topping it of with hours of cranium was just the entertainment I needed.
The rest of the weekend was lovely. I drank mimosas while I watched mom and the roomie decorate for Xmas, I got alot done, I slept, I ate.
Going back to work was rough. I'm so unhappy there and I'm waiting and hoping this economy will turn around. I need something that makes me happy.
Still no answers from my shooting star, I'm a little frustrated but I'm trying to be patient. Life goes on. I'm battling the bad days but embracing the good ones. Now if I could just find a little motivation I'd be golden....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Coincidence...?
I dont know what I believe in.
I pray to God. I ask things of the universe. I want to say I dont believe in coincidence...but I'm not sure.
Tonight was too interesting not to at least write here...
Mom and I were sitting in the hot tub.
I've been extremely frustrated with my life lately.
I try to be positive. I honestly do. I've tried so hard.
I'm a good friend, I've done alot for others, I'm a good person. (Thank you to those who have told me lately...).
I'm still frustrated.
I'm at that point where I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say at this point, but I really need something good right now. Some significant positive change, etc. I could go on and on...I wont.
Here's what happened:
Mom and I were talking as we do sometimes, sitting in the hot tub. We were talking about life and religion and work and friends, etc.
I got frustrated. I vented. I told her how I feel, and that I'm unhappy and its getting more and more frustrating each day.
We laughed like we do, she teased my sarcasm.
I told her I need something. Something positive. A job I love. SOMETHING.
I shit you not:
I turned up to the universe or God or I dont know and shouted -
"THROW ME A FUCKING BONE!"
Mom laughed.
I saw a huge shooting star. Seriously. Like 1 second after I shouted.
My jaw dropped.
"I just saw a fucking shooting star"
Mom laughed again.
"See - there's your answer" she said. "I've never seen a shooting star out here, and that happens".
I could only blush.
That was fucking weird.
I can only hope.
I pray to God. I ask things of the universe. I want to say I dont believe in coincidence...but I'm not sure.
Tonight was too interesting not to at least write here...
Mom and I were sitting in the hot tub.
I've been extremely frustrated with my life lately.
I try to be positive. I honestly do. I've tried so hard.
I'm a good friend, I've done alot for others, I'm a good person. (Thank you to those who have told me lately...).
I'm still frustrated.
I'm at that point where I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say at this point, but I really need something good right now. Some significant positive change, etc. I could go on and on...I wont.
Here's what happened:
Mom and I were talking as we do sometimes, sitting in the hot tub. We were talking about life and religion and work and friends, etc.
I got frustrated. I vented. I told her how I feel, and that I'm unhappy and its getting more and more frustrating each day.
We laughed like we do, she teased my sarcasm.
I told her I need something. Something positive. A job I love. SOMETHING.
I shit you not:
I turned up to the universe or God or I dont know and shouted -
"THROW ME A FUCKING BONE!"
Mom laughed.
I saw a huge shooting star. Seriously. Like 1 second after I shouted.
My jaw dropped.
"I just saw a fucking shooting star"
Mom laughed again.
"See - there's your answer" she said. "I've never seen a shooting star out here, and that happens".
I could only blush.
That was fucking weird.
I can only hope.
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