San Antonio Trip Day 1

Well, here I sit in Phoenix, drinking wine out of a Best Western paper cup. Thats right - I'm all about class. But I have my compadre B here with me sharin the other half of the bottle. Sadly I have to admit I was not looking foward to this trip whatsoever. I work for PSO and they have sent me to the Tessitura Conference in San Antonio Texas. I told them I dont fly because I usually barf thinking this would be my get out of jail free card. We talked about driving and they said "We'll get you a rental car and your on your way!" Well....I'm in now. Luckily B is drivin with me-bein an apparent fan of roadtrippin. I'm going to attempt to blog daily now that I actually have a laptop- but we'll see. We dont really know where we're staying or what the hell I"m doing for the most part, but we'll see! :)
Its day 1. I rolled out of bed trying to think positive about this whole thing and quelling the damn anxiety burrowing in my belly. I"m giving extra attention to the girls hoping they wont freak out while I"m gone.
I'm packed and ready to go. The lovely bro drops me off at National rent a car to meet our CFO and my co-hort. Of course they're late. Of course said co-hort has to finish a few things at the office and of course said co-hort has to drop is damn car off in Balboa. Sigh. We finally hit the road about 1:30. We head out in our Chevy Impala. As we trek out we realize...why are there random ants appearing. Whatever...we kill them move on. We of course hit the brutal 91fwy traffic but finally are on our 10 stretch. More ants. WTF!!! We stop at a random Wendys in Moreno Valley somewhere when both of us realize we havent really eaten yet. We trek on. We decide to stop in Blythe to gas up, pee, smoke, walk around etc. This is when we realize both sides of our doors have ant colonys...ANTS FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!!! We try to get rid of what we can but they're coming from somewhere we cant get to. I fight off the visual I have of why they are there...and we move on. Of course the whole drive we find a little fucker and kill it and it seems they're getting more frequent. Whatever. I get quite excited as we start to see saguara cactus and I'm bound to stop and take a photo...I have yet to. As we're rolling into Phoenix we see flashes. B thinks I'm crazy but happily he sees I"m right and super excited...we're watching a kick ass lighting storm. It starts to rain a bit but the lightning is sick! After a slight battle of B looking for a hotel..(why did this seem like and old marriage couple squabble) I pull off the hwy - whip out the tour book and find us a hotel off the 10. Best Western it is. Aside from a funny smell coming in, and a bit of a battle with the bathroom light - its do-able. B and I are satisfied. We head out for some Claim Jumper grub, plan on going and getting some bug spray tomorow and are finishing our bottle of wine here in the room in our fancy Best Western Paper Cups!!!! Tomorow we head out again!

Friendships...

Family and friends.
The most important thing in ones life in my opinion. Family and friends helped me through my bitter divorce, and the hurt and anger I felt years afterwards. Family and friends helped me through moving back home after my 10 year job went under. Family and friends are always there when I’m sad or hurt or struggling or celebrating.
I’m very lucky – I have an amazing family. I’m not a person who comes from a wacked out childhood, I’m not a person who was abused by her family. My family is very close. No, we’re not perfect. Yes, we have our quibbles but we love each other unconditionally. My family still loves me after I went through my “dark years”. I’m lucky. I’ll never ever take that for granted.
Friends are different. Friends come and go. We do have those certain friendships that will last a lifetime. It’s interesting to me to find out who these people are as life goes on. I have been surprised and disappointed. I have a wonderful circle of friends right now I can trust and rely on. Some of those I’ve grown closer too. Some of those know me so well it’s freaky. Some of those know exactly what I need when I need it. Then there are those that have drifted away. Those friendships I thought would turn into a lifetime bond but sadly did not. People change. Lives change and they move on, without me. It hurts, but its life. I consider myself so very lucky to have as many lifetime friendships that I currently have. I love those friends so very much.
Then its times like this past week, when something tragic happens to a dear friend. A stroke crippling my 37 year old friend. I do think he’ll come through. I do think he’ll be back to his sassy self, but it’s hard and it’s sad and I’ve cried so much. Its going to be a very long frustrating process. My other dear friend and his partner I’ve watched. I showed up to be his right hand wo-man. Any support I could give. Anything I could do. He’s relied on me for a lot because he knows he can. He knows I’ll be there. I’ve known and loved these two for 13 years. (Hell maybe 14 now…). Its hard to watch a strong figure crumble when someone he loves is so vulnerable right now. But I’m there. And so are so many others. Its truly been so amazing to be a part of the out pouring of support. The love, the offers, the friendships. Why – because we’re family. I’m the daughter and granddaughter of fireman. Fireman families are just that – family. We all do whatever we can for each other, whether we know each other personally or not. We’re family. The theater community is family. The Rudies are family. We take care of our own. I know its touched the hearts of my boys to see the outpouring of love and support. And its touched my own heart when some of those people, those dear friends of mine call me as well. Ask me how I am. Ask me how I’m holding up. Telling me what an angel I am for what I’m doing. It means the world. I’m doing it for my friends, my family. I’m doing it because I love them, and I would do anything I can for those I love. Its beautiful to know I’d have the same in return. I never expect that, never expect rewards or recognition, but it touches me. It just proves my point – I’m so very lucky to have wonderful friends and family. Yes, I’m over sensitive and over emotional right now, but its still so great to know we have each other in these shitty times.
As I said earlier, its interesting and sad and beautiful when friendships grow or falter. But knowing how many lifelong bonds I have makes me smile.

Kelly's Beach Friday....

Every year for I dont know how long, my brother and about 50 or so of them go to Kelly's Beach. This is about a 3-4 hour drive up north and a part of Kings River. They drive up Fri, float on Sat and come home Sun. This was the 1st year I could join in the fun and my fellow adventurer T-mow came along for the ride.
We were to meet at the bro’s at 4am. Yes. 4 Am. For those of you who don’t know, this is way before the sun rises and its an ungodly hour any normal person to be anywhere. Of course this meant I had to get up at 3. After some grumbles and stumbles and clumsy packing, T and I headed over to Shane/D's. There was 7 other half asleep friends attempting to load up, and we finally all rolled out. After ALOT of coffee and the sun rising, I started to feel somewhat human again. After 31/2 hours or so, and a couple of missed exits we rolled into Kelly's Beach. Now this is a ghetto campground pretty much made for partying. The campsites are enormous, they line the river, there's a general store with a sign says "We open at 9 or 10, sometimes as early as 7, sometimes as late as 10". A bar/restaurant, nasty bathrooms, and a staff that’s...well...interesting.
After an extremely long check in, we get bracelets attached that we have to wear the whole weekend (Are we on spring break?) and are assigned our campsite. One of our peeps has a trailer, so Mr. angry man who works there has to back it in. In the meantime the rest of us are setting up our tents and the rest of camp. We also notice we’re breaking out in a sweat in the early morning hours…oh lord. Most of us are set up by 9am. It feels like 2, so we start to drink. Hmmmm why am I getting a buzz already. Someone says its only 10am. Wow. Hair of the dog right? Throughout the day, our party grows bigger, eventually totaling up to about 50 or so of us. It’s a trip. Friday consists of drinking before 10am as prior mentioned, and then the rest of the day, playing games, eating, chatting, drinking, etc...Did I mention drinking?
I mosey down to the river to test the water and realize it’s about as cold as something...oh maybe in Antarctica...um we're floating in this shit tomorrow??!! It was a little odd...hotter then Satan's living room outside, yet too cold for Miss Jami to get in the water. There were alot of angry flies, so between the "Repell" bug spray, sunblock, and sweat you had a nice layer of grime on your body the entire time. Lets just say no one was "dressed to impress" in these parts. Our friend with the trailer had air conditioner and a bathroom so that was a nice bonus to the trip. Highlights of Friday:
Getting a whole day. At noon it seemed like 5pm.
Drinking before 10am - who does that!?
Nat/Court's 3am giggle fest – would normally piss everyone off, but T-mow and I found ourselves giggling along with them. I’ve never heard 2 girls laugh so damn hard for so damn long….
The bean bag game
Shaun bbq'ing T & my sweat kabobs
Seeing my bro in rare form
Visiting with friends and falling into a haze of vacationI'm sure there's more...but I'm surprised I'm even blogging now... Saturday was a little more interesting...

Kellys Beach Saturday...

I have come to realize I’m just not much of a camper anymore. Sleeping on the ground/eggshell or not hurts my back. You can hear everything in a tent and it’s really fucking dirty. But its cool - I can rally. I got up Sat morning only wanting to take a shower....as I stood in the doorless shower, naked, with other ladies waiting and watching (some watching very intently I may add…) - I stood trying to wait for the scalding hot water to not burn off a layer of skin...this did not happen. Now - side note - when I am over exhausted I tend to get a bit over emotional. All I wanted was a fucking shower...I gave up, shouted at T I was leaving and stormed out. I ran into the bro who asked the wrong ques, I went into my tent and proceeded to cry. After composing myself I had a thought...I threw on a bathing suit took my shower stuff went back and stood next to some hungover fellow in the 2 outside showers and took a "sort of" shower. At least I rinsed off. I headed back to the site - apologized to my bro and headed to the coffee bus where T had already ordered my coffee knowing me all too well. The funny thing was - the coffee was AMAZING. Who knew a white trash coffee bus could make such good coffee. I sat down at the site and Shawn and I thoroughly enjoyed watching the rest of the party wake up and stumble out of their tents. (Note to self...if I make it next year I'm videoing the waking up after a nite like that series) The rest of the morning consisted of everyone making lunches, travel booze drinks, blowing up rafts and getting ready for the big float. Did I mention it was about 105 again? Our noon bus was late...but finally arrived and we boarded the white school bus lookin thing that towed a giant rickety trailer for the floats and was probably about 100 years old. Our driver was Wayne - a large man with a confederate bandana and very sweaty. Oh and it was his birthday. I sat in the seat behind him scrunched between the wall and Ronnie and D on Ronnie’s lap. This gave Wayne ample view of D’s chest. I think Wayne got quite the b-day gift with the amount of times I counted him looking in the rearview mirror. The bus was filled to the brim, some others on laps and we headed out. Happy Birthday was sung to our buddy Todd and our driver Wayne. We were dropped off and we carried our rafts and all our crap down this dirt road (The kind of dirt when you walk it puffs up into giant dirt clouds) in the very very hot sun. Now.. I wasn’t sure what to expect on this float. We arrive and there's other folks there...a very large group of people trying to walk through trees to hop in the river. When I can actually see where we're going...I watch as our fellow party slides down an embankment, throws their stuff in the raft, leap in and disappear in the current. Um...where's the beach...I thought we'd wade out and this be an easier task. NO. Shane warns me this is the hardest part then its smooth sailin. Um...what?...and he disappears. The water was going so fucking fast!!!!! Ok. I can do this. I have an oblong raft, our lunch bag, my ziploc back of cigs, sunblock, etc, an oar and my bubba keg of Madres. I slide down the embankment, onto my ass of course, maneuver my stuff in, toss in the raft and jump in. I was told to stay to the right. I'm instantly flying to the left. I'm on my knees in my raft trying not to topple and also trying to row to the right. I hear friends screaming "to the right! to the right!!" For some reason rowing seems to be spinning me in a circle and I can’t seem to get it right. 'Then I hear screams and 2 girls in inner tubes - also out of control grab onto my raft. I can’t pull these women, but they don’t let go. "Help us!" they shout. I panic. Yup. I haven’t felt like this..well…I don’t think in my whole life. I have no control. I glance up to see the rock beach ahead I'm supposed to stop at, and Shane yelling at me "TO THE RIGHT!" Fuck this. I throw my oar into the raft, flop half way into the water and pray to God my upper body strength is as good as I think and start to paddle for my dear life. I manage to fight the current and get to rock beach before slamming into the left side with all the trees and shit that would have punctured my raft and sent me flying. They pull me and the other girls in; I stumble out, heart racing and turn to Shane - "FUCK THIS!!!!!! " He laughs - "That’s the worse part". The girls I “saved” hug me and move on. Bitches. I realize I don’t know how T did...she's on an inner tubey sitting float, I spin around and there she is. Fine. Big ol’ smile on her face. She sailed right to the damn beach. I look around and watch fellow rafters crashing into the rock beach, some laughing, some a bit pale like me. After a bit, a cig and some swigs I calm down. We head out. Now I can latch on to people, you can’t when you first get in - obviously! So I latch onto Shane/D's army like raft and figure they can do the work. Shane does - god love him. I help paddle and kick when needed, but the rest of the day I'm staying with them. The 1st part was just us; poor T was on her own but handled it like a champ. We all met up at beach 2. This was another embankment but an open space to stop and chill sort of. It was so damn hot. We took the Kelly's Beach group photo here, ate our lunches, drank, laughed and kept reapplying sunscreen. Then I saw a rope swing. Most people were too scared to do it. Hell, I can handle anything now! "I'll fucking do it!!!" Some folks ahead of me did not fare well, but one fellow back flipped. Ok...I can do this. I grab the bottom of the rope and swing out over the river and launch in. I rule. I got cheered by so many people. Yup..little rush. SO I did it again. 2nd time...not so graceful...swung into the tree branches a bit, but still pulled it off. I think I made Shane proud. We head out again. Now there are about 4 or 5 of us attached to Shane. Heading down the river was fun, it was relaxing in parts, but there were parts that needed work. You have to constantly be aware and row or paddle away from the current sometimes. Beach 3 was some dudes house. Ya – huge beautiful house right on the lake with an abnormally large front grassy area. Some other partier was telling us the dude sometimes grills for the river rats. We all hang there for a while, waiting for our party to get together again. Some think it’ll be fun to have a “roll down the hill race”. People are dancing, drunk, eating, laughing. I’m in an out of the water it’s so damn hot. We head off again. This time our group all attached to each other is probably about 10 people. We float down the rest of the trip. One of our buddies is passed out and richcochets off a wall – that made for comedy. About this time I have to admit – I was over it. 6 hours floating down the river was about 45 min too long. I was starting to shiver at this point; my alcohol level must have worn down. We roll right up to our site, climb out and pull the rafts onto shore as I go sprinting for a towel and some warmth. We all get ourselves together, rinse off make some grub and start drinkin some more. Most crash out early this night. I stay up for a while listening to “campfire” stories then call it a night. Right as I doze off, I’m awaken by about 15 people surrounding my tent with flashlights – some not even our people. “Look at it! It’s so cute! What’s it doing?” For the next 10 minutes or so I listen to people ogling over a baby raccoon apparently. I want to get out of the tent but its right outside my door! I then hear its musical noise followed by “Its raping that shoe!!!!!!!!!!”. Sigh. That’s my shoe. Those are my river shoes. Apparently getting violated by a baby raccoon. The little bastard then moves on I guess raping other shoes. Lord. A couple of hours go by and I cant sleep, so I get up again hoping to not come across this little creature and everyone else is out. I’m alone. So I wander around the whole campground, then by the river, then sit for a while contemplating life. It’s so quiet, so serene. I finally attempt to sleep again to no avail. Sunday we’re up, packin and out. We’re all tired, dirty, and happy. It certainly was an interesting trip

Bubbles...

I admit - I'm one of those people who refuses to let go of my childhood innocence. I mean - of course - I'm an adult now, and there aint much innocence left in these old bones, but I'll always hold on to a small portion. A little piece, a little hope, a little...well fun. That is also one of the things I love most about my mother - she has always held on to that as well. I think it makes for happier people if you just keep a little. Reality blows, growing up is hard, life is strange but as long as you never forget what it was like to be a child, a little one, no responsibility, everything was new and exciting then it cant be all that bad.
I love when little things remind me of this. They may be silly to some, but that doesnt stop me from enjoying them in the least bit! Tonite I was outside for an evening cig, the reminants of our beach themed tea party still spread about. I was watching the girls peer out at me thru the screen door like they love to do when I'm outside and noticed the giant bottle of bubbles my mom had got for the party. I thought it would be entertaining to see how they would react to a few bubbles floating in the air. Of course it fascinated them, but I found myself enjoying it just as much. I was concentrating on trying to make a really big bubble, I was swirling it around to see how many I could get in one swing, I was inhaling and exhaling to see if I could make the bubbles breathe. I ended up giggling and completly enjoying myself out there all alone blowing bubbles.
Its that. That childhood enjoyment. Dont ever let it go. I dont care how ridiculous you may look - its priceless. It happens in moments. Walking in a park and you find yourself skipping. Stopping to smell a pretty flower. Laughing until your sides hurt, seeing something that excites you and squealing at a pitch only dogs can hear, or finding yourself blowing bubbles. We cant ever let that go.

She breaks again...

My heart breaks for Iran. My heart breaks for the friends and family of Neda, whose horrific death was caught and spread across the world via the internet. I watched. I shouldn’t have watched, or I should have. I’ve been reading and following and crying. I saw that and felt sick to my stomach. It turned over and knotted as tears rolled down my face as I watched this girl die. My heart breaks for all the people who are in the midst of everything, dealing with death and violence and poverty every day. I tried to escape last night through my weekly kickballin followed by drinking probably more then I should have afterwards. I was trying to dull the pain. My brother and I began talking, discussing, my eyes started to well up again. At the bar, in front of everyone. “I wish I could fix the world”, I said my lip quivering, trying to fight back the tears. He moved from the talk of Iran, to the talk of war. I know he was trying to shift my focus, but forgetting my feelings on war as he watched the tears start to roll he shifted the conversation to include some of those around us, taking the focus off me. I don’t believe anyone saw except him. He playfully batted my cheek as I composed myself and turned around with a grin, pretending nothing was wrong and performed one of my best acting moments yet. Smiled, laughed, smoked talked about anything but. Sadly tho the truth is I have these moments. These times in my life when the world seems to be crashing around in turmoil. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could stop the hatred. The violence. The arrogance, ignorance, the anger. It tears at my soul. I feel so helpless and useless. I struggle with my own issues, yet they seem so f-ing pathetic in comparison to what’s going on in the world around me. It consumes me. As I parted ways last night he said “Don’t think too much on it kid, you know you”. I do. A Dr. told me that once. “Jami, you can’t take the world on your shoulders, you need to concentrate on you”. I’m trying. I’m doing better, but a piece of me is screaming out for the violence to stop. R.I.P. Neda. My heart goes out to those in peril across the world…

Patience and humor...

Patience.
One of my least favorite words. I am not a patient person. At all.
I have learned to control my hair trigger temper I used to posses. I’m actually quite mellow these days aside from the fact that my life is a circus. But I’m not patient. I get antsy. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone doesn’t get back to me. Via email/phone/whatever. I can seriously get annoyed if I email you a question, and you don’t write back immediately. I am realistic of course, but I can’t help that little impatient demon that lives in my soul jumping up into my brain and dancing around. Again – I control these things much better then when I was younger. Work tests my patience hourly. NO ONE gets back to you around here. Whatever. I do have a point. Which is this. I’m seriously having my patience tested. So f-ing much right now it’s ridiculous. I’m living at home now, yes I have a job but it pays crap – not allowing me to survive living on my own right now. I’m single. There are some fellas that seem to peak interest every now and again – but I tell ya – If I don’t see some sort of action on their part within oh…a minute, I assume its nothing. BUT, if I was patient – I could accept the fact that I’m home finally paying off the ex-bastards debt. I will be debt free before I move out again. By the time I pay of said debt I’m hoping the economy will have turned around somewhat and I can get a better paying job, or move up financially here. Then move back out. Debt free. That will be AMAZING. I’m also meeting new people, joining different circles of friends, which means I’ll meet more boys – maybe actually “date” more. But again – this all requires PATIENCE. Fuck me. So I’m being tested. I’m also being teased. Who says the universe doesn’t have a sense of humor – I’m driving home from somewhere that should have been a fun satisfying time, but wasn’t and now I’m annoyed. When I get annoyed I tend to bitch at myself in my car whilst driving. Yup – I’m the crazy lady talking to herself in the car. (Altho now-adays people think I’m on a Bluetooth – but now you all know I’m actually just insane). So I’m driving along bitching out load to myself, “My life sucks!”. “I’m 33 and living at home”. “I have no real relationship with a man!” “I have no money!” “I hate my job!”….these sorts of bitchings, but of course more humorous because apparently my little tirades can be entertaining. Anywho, I then sigh…It’ll all work out RIGHT!!??? I stop at a light and look to my right and there on a bustop is a giant sign with the title PATIENCE. It’s yellow, with blue writing. I don’t even know what it was advertising or what else was on it, but I saw that and burst out laughing. “Ah ha you son of bitch! Very funny!” I then shout at the universe, pointing my finger at the sign. (Of course the woman at the bustop thought I was pointing at her and I think I miffed her, but that was just one of those moments.)
So yes. I’m trying so very hard to be patient and to be positive. I’m doing it. But I’m not going to say I’m liking it. I’m taking it with a grain of salt, and most of the time things get so ridiculous it gets funny…but ah such is the life of Jami right? I hope you can find joy and laughter in my circus.