Tuesday, June 23, 2009
She breaks again...
My heart breaks for Iran. My heart breaks for the friends and family of Neda, whose horrific death was caught and spread across the world via the internet. I watched. I shouldn’t have watched, or I should have. I’ve been reading and following and crying. I saw that and felt sick to my stomach. It turned over and knotted as tears rolled down my face as I watched this girl die. My heart breaks for all the people who are in the midst of everything, dealing with death and violence and poverty every day. I tried to escape last night through my weekly kickballin followed by drinking probably more then I should have afterwards. I was trying to dull the pain. My brother and I began talking, discussing, my eyes started to well up again. At the bar, in front of everyone. “I wish I could fix the world”, I said my lip quivering, trying to fight back the tears. He moved from the talk of Iran, to the talk of war. I know he was trying to shift my focus, but forgetting my feelings on war as he watched the tears start to roll he shifted the conversation to include some of those around us, taking the focus off me. I don’t believe anyone saw except him. He playfully batted my cheek as I composed myself and turned around with a grin, pretending nothing was wrong and performed one of my best acting moments yet. Smiled, laughed, smoked talked about anything but. Sadly tho the truth is I have these moments. These times in my life when the world seems to be crashing around in turmoil. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could stop the hatred. The violence. The arrogance, ignorance, the anger. It tears at my soul. I feel so helpless and useless. I struggle with my own issues, yet they seem so f-ing pathetic in comparison to what’s going on in the world around me. It consumes me. As I parted ways last night he said “Don’t think too much on it kid, you know you”. I do. A Dr. told me that once. “Jami, you can’t take the world on your shoulders, you need to concentrate on you”. I’m trying. I’m doing better, but a piece of me is screaming out for the violence to stop. R.I.P. Neda. My heart goes out to those in peril across the world…
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1 comment:
Oh Jami...I know. This situation is heartbreaking and horrific. We should mourn Neda and other women in Iran and talk about it. I watched that video and could barely handle the image. It is WRONG. We know within our souls that this isn't the way the world is suppose to be. The fact that governments are so corrupt that people are willing to die for freedom is a story told again and again. Neda deserves our time and energy. At church on Sunday the pastor said, "you can't do everything, but you can do something. What is that something going to be?" So, perhaps instead of being overwhelmed, you can partner with an organization for Iranian freedom or Middle Eastern women's rights.
I know, long comment...but you are not alone! I wish we could hug and go to lunch right now.
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