Bella and others...

Tell me she's not perfect!

I'm also constantly amazed when dear friends of mine bring another person into this world. I've only had a handful of close friends have kids, but its always a trip. I really do think I lack that "Maternal Instinct" or "Biological Clock". I've never had that urge for children. For a long time was dead set against ever having kids. I will say I'm not dead set against anymore, but lets just say its really not in my plans. I really dont see kids in my future. BUT - I loooooooooooove being an Auntie!

My 1st experience was Robin. We were VERY young when she had a bit of a surprise. Lets just say I almost crashed my truck into a tree killing us both when she told me. I then got the call at 1am one morning after not sleeping for about 3 days (At the time I was working, going to school and in tech week) from her dad saying "COME TO THE HOSPITAL!". I did a few shots of expresso and was out the door. I was there all night with her. Visiting, dozing, etc. When the time came for delivery - me and her sister stood outside the door with our ears pressed up against it and listened to my godson being brought into the world. I cried when I met him.

Next came Cori. It was a hard process, but she finally was able to bring little Logan into the world. I popped in the hospital that night to check in, and the next morning met the precious little bundle. I never hold newborns as I'm terrified I will drop them, but daddy insisted - sitting me in a chair and placing him into my arms. Lets just say I looked like a comic routine trying to hold this little one whilst complely freaking out.

3rd was my best friend in the whole world - Libby. When I walked into the room and saw little Haley I cried again. She was perfect. I wouldnt hold her, but I reached into the little container she was in and she grasped onto my finger and looked me right in the eye. I made a ridiculous face and she smiled. I almost died right there. Libby laughed and said "She knows your voice". She is to this day one of the most beautiful little girls. And best of all - she adores me! She's always so happy to see me. Libby says she kisses my photo sometimes. It makes me so warm and fuzzy inside.

Now we have Bella. My amazing friend Jenn had this perfect little girl yesterday morning. Mom and I threw a perfect high noon tea party baby shower for her a few weeks ago. Everytime I'd see Jenn I'd kiss her tummy and say hello to Bella. Yesterday when T and I walked into the room to a BEAMING papa holding his precious little girl I was overcome. There she is. There's our little Bella. Headful of hair, and the cutest little upper lip. When we saw Jenn she looked beautiful. What is it with my girlfriends and looking fabulous after having a kid! All of em! Robin, Cori, Libby and now Jenn - radiant. I'm sorry - I will not look that way if I ever went thru that! :) Anywhoo - Jenn shared a moment with T and I and I teared up again. I'm becoming such a fucking sentimental sap as I get older!

Another very close friend whom I love dearly is due in August and I cant wait to meet him as well. (Punk baby shower in planning) Its really a trip when your watching your close friends around you form families. Some of these people I grew up with, played with as a child, went thru hell with, etc. And here they are - bringing a new life into the world that will be going through the same things we all did as we grew up. I have friends I"ve met a bit later in life who already have kids and its also a trip. Miss Wombat has 2 darling little twin boys whom I think are the cutest. I love looking at little ones and seeing miniture versions of thier folks. I dont know what the world is going to be like when these little ones grow up, these kids, babies, the next generation that our generation has brought into the world. What a fucking trip.

I have the utmost respect for you parents out there. I cant even begin to imagine what its like - in the meantime - I'm just goin to spoil the shit out of all my little ones!

Transition after transition...

This seems to be my life as of late. Well as of about 7 months now actually. Jesus. Job of 10 years. Gone. Nothing to show for it. My cute lil Costa Mesa bunaglow. Gone. Old roomie still there with a new roomie whose making it way cuter then I ever could and has an adorable dog. I am but a memory. Grandparents. Aging. Yes this is normal I know, yes they are 90 and 94, but it rips my heart out to watch them slow down. A couple of ER visits over the last few months but they are ok right now. My theater. Gone. Something else will ressurect, but still, RG. Gone. My attempt at a relationship. Lasted 6 months. Gone. We're still friends, this is amazing, but still, single again. AGAIN. Moving back into the place I grew up. Weird. My body. Soft. I've gained weight and I'm ridiculously out of shape. My creative urge. Tearing at my insides. My now current job. Blows. But its a job. Friends. Continually changing - closer to some, drifting from others.
Its bizzare. I trying extremly hard to take stock of my life. I have goals - sort of. I plan on having the bastard's debt paid off in a year at most. Hopefully my car as well. I also hope to save some dough so that I can move back out on my own with a mini nest egg. Just like before I got married! Ahhh, those times you look back and wish you said HELL NO instead of I do. Once our new roomie moves in (yup mom's house is housing another) I want to excersise - really get back into some sort of routine. Yoga. Walking. Biking. SOMETHING. I have to. As for my creative nagging...I'll get there. I'm trying to be patient. Trying to take things one thing at a time. I've never felt so off before. My entire life is upside down. Its a start over point I suppose. Its just really really really fucking weird. And its not just me.
I'm surrounded. And its all different...I have friends getting laid off, friends in same situations at me. Then I have friends starting families, starting relationships, marriages. Then I seem to have another round of recently single girlfriends. It seems 2009 is a very weird whirlwind of weirdness. I say weird because its awful but yet starting a new. I mean hell - our economy is in the shithole - unemployment is at its highest rate and even the companies still in biz are crossing thier finger and toes hoping to make it thru this. Yet, people are cutting back - this is good and bad. People are learning to be more creative with thier time and money, going back to the basics. We have a new Pres - history was fucking made! He's stepping into a world of chaos and hopefully going to make some good changes. So far so good it seems.
I have one major problem - patience. I dont have it. I never will. I want everything fixed NOW. Dont worry, I know its not possible. I know I have to be patient (said with extreme sarcasm) but it aint easy. It'll be better. It will. I'm going to start over. I will. I'll be back on my feet. Its just so godamn bizzare right now I cant even explain it. Its like life has smacked me in the face to the point I'm sort of laughing...somewhat slap happy I guess? I'm kind of bouncing around in a circle, fists held high yelling "Bring it Bitch!" Altho I would prefer no more "Broughtin". I'm tired. I would like to just focus and try to get my dumb ass on track. I will. Its just taking too much damn time. Sigh. So - in effort to keep my chin up and hopefully make you all smile a bit as well, here's a happy list (inspired as usual by Ber) as of late:

• Kickball
• My girls twitching and squeaking at the birds outside
• The hot tub
• Wine
• A faboo baby shower tea party
• Mom's ridiculous excitment planning said tea party
• My bday at District Lounge
• Some great nights with girlfriends
• Seeing old friends
• Spending more time with fam
• Feeling Bella kick
• Sushi
• Butterflies and birds
• ANTM
• Waking up to purrs and cuddles
• Mom's jasmine and calalillies
• Seeing my other baby bro

Lets all hold on. We'll get thru this odd time I'm sure. I have to admit I'm anxious to see how we all end up. I have a strong feeling its gonna be fucking amazing.

Goodbye RGTC...

Last night I was a part of a reading of Seven Jewish Children by Carol Churchill. This was a benefit performance for medical aide for palestians. This was also the last thing to be done at my beloved Rude Guerrilla Theater Company. 30 or so of us past and current RG members stood in groups in 4 corners of the stage. Our soon to be mommy sat center stage. The play is in 7 different sections. In between each section were video segments. We each had about 4 or 5 lines throughout the show. Each section we'd take different parts around the stage standing or sitting and read our lines. At the end of the piece the 2nd to last line "Tell her we love her" - each one of us separatly walked up to mommy and said the line to her. Some hugging, some kissing, touching - me personally touched baby Bella with tears in my eyes as I choked out my line. It was beautiful. The emotion in the theater that night was intense. I had no idea I'd be such a wreck. My Alexander came up and hugged me and held me as we waited for the applause both of us with crocidile tears rolling down our cheeks. I dont think any of us had a dry eye.

Immediatly afterward I went out back and shook with tears. My creative home is no longer.

It is a transition. I look foward to another collective group already in the works by our former AD. But this was hard.

I was a part of the very 1st show RG ever did. I left for a few years then came back. Served as liason for a year, then joined the board only resigning last year when my life took its nasty turn. My baby Beirut was produced there. I got to play a fuckdog, a sociopath killer, a 60's icon, a lesbian, a hot elf and Mrs. Claus, a bitter wife, a struggling newlywed, a Bosnian little sister, Blue, a Marilyn Monroe new yorker, and more. I made some of my closest most dearest friends there. I shed so much blood, sweat and tears there. I actually sang onstage.

It seems my life is taking some major blows lately. LOTS of transition. LOTS of change. I know this will be good, and new but right now its hard. I think last night the dams broke. I cried harder last night as I drove home then I have in a long while. So many hugs and tears last night but so much encouragement. Looking forward to new things. A new life. I'm trying so hard to take this in stride. Lets just say my life is a helluva roller coaster right now and I'm hanging on for dear life.

Goodbye Rude Guerrilla. A part of my heart will always be with you.

Now onto the next phase. Hang on for the ride....

The Rich...

I'm not.
Nor will I ever be.
Nor will I ever fit in this scene.
Now this little blog isnt about all rich people. Just the pompous interesting ones. There are people out there with loads of money who are actually pretty cool peeps. These are usually the people that worked for it and were not born into it.
Anywhoo...
I really do find this species interesting. The way they are. The way they live thier life. The way thier priorities fall. Its interesting. What really makes me laugh, is sometimes when you see a "rich pompous" character played on TV you'd think they were over acting somewhat. They're not. I used to work for the opera - the patrons were majority upper class rich old people. There were a few young ones scattered in the mix. I now work for a similar organization and worked an event last nite. I found the people watching amusing.
The older folk reminded me very much of our opera patrons - old money. In fact some of them were opera patrons. There are 2 types here - the old ones that know they're old and accept it. These are usually couples that are pretty mellow. They have money. They love these events. They come, support, and leave. Then there's the old ones that think they're 20. Both the men and women have had so much work done they look somewhat stretchy and plasticy, lots of makeup - the ladies in lots of shiny material - the men hitting on us young women. I'm used to this. I used to see those people all the time. But last nite there were alot more youngins in the group. 1st off - a hubby/wife were volunteering with us. They apparently know alot of the folks and I assume they have money. The wife had a gf that also volunteered. Both women were very pretty and you could tell they came from money. My feline hairs immediatly stood up as I dreaded the thought of working alongside of 2 rich bitches. Especially after the hubby barked some orders at me - the way he did making me wonder if wifey knew her hubby was gay. I'm new people - lay off. 1st impressions can be wrong. As the evening wore on - I really grew to like the ladies and even the hubby. I chalk up 1st impression to stress of the event. Very friendly, very sweet - and suprisingly real - not fake. So I got a taste last nite of the actual nice rich folks my age. The rest of the eve proved my theory of my age rich folk are lame.
There was the younger "ken doll" looking dude. He arrived with a group, collar up, curly blonde hair that fell perfectly in a little curl over his forehead, blue eyes and sparkling smile. The guy was a douche. There was lots of alcohol at this event FYI. This douche would walk by our table (Mind you there were 5 women and 1 guy working registration and we were all pretty cute), he'd smile and say "Hellooooo Ladies..." very suave. Very pompous. He'd wink. He'd smile. I was dying. At one point I think I actually guffawed quite loudly back at him. Then there was the drunk young couple. The gal was very done up - already had so much work done and probably wasnt even close to my age yet. The dude was drunk and an asshole. They kept coming up to the table to check if they won any of thier auction items. He'd lean on the table making jokes, slurring, hitting on the gal in front of his gal. This was actually wifey I mentioned earlier - she handled it like a pro. He just looked like "That Guy" ya know? There were a few more similar situations throughout the evening with these type. It just made me realize even more how uncomfortable I am around these people. I cant stand that kind of aura.
I remember the boy I dated a while ago - he had alot of rich friends. Now - I didnt meet any of them really. So I cant judge. But I remember our 1st date - he asked me if I'd been to certain bars. The ones he rattled off I eithier had not heard of or knew of as the newport beach/corona del mar scene and was stunned he frequented these. He was not that type. He made good money yes, but he didnt have that snobbery about him. As we dated longer, I realized he did like the "nice life". I never did go to any of these foo-foo bars with him - he knew they just werent my scene. But we'd joke constantly about them and I'd razz him mercilessly when he'd go. One in particular was Javiers in Newport Coast. I went once, for a friends bday. It was full of all those types! The same exact types of these douchebags I watched last nite. The young rich. I felt so out of place and uncomfortable the whole evening, but stayed for my friend. It was akward and weird and these people were so fake and mean and snooty. The boy told me dinner there is different, he may be right. But that place left a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm not around these types of people very often. But I really do find it interesting sometimes when I am. Dont get me wrong - it'd be nice to have money. Nice to not have to worry about bills and what not. But... Their lives. Thier outlook on life. I seriously cant imagine what its like - nor do I ever want to know.

Kickball...

Yup.

I play kickball.

My lovely lovely girlfriend signed me up as an Xmas present. The bro and the sis-in-law are also on the team. Its a real thing. SurfCity Division. 18 Teams. Sponsored by Sharkeez in Huntington Beach. Our team is the Drunken Degenerate Kickballers.

Yup.
Kickball.
Like when you were 8.

When I 1st heard about it, I thought my sis-in-law was joking. Nope. Our team captain is Mr. Positive. I adore him. I remember going to D's game last season and he and I were chatting afterwards. "Its all in good fun." he said. "I mean, what the hell else are we going to do in our 30's except drink beer, play kickball, and hang out!". I liked the sound of that.

So this is how it goes:

We play on Monday nights in Huntington Beach. There are 7:00 games and 8:00 games. (Seems we've been the 8:00 forever). You play 5 innings. Team Captain brings a cooler of beer to the game, everyone drinks. He even got us stainless steel mugs. People drink and smoke and play kickball. There are the teams that take it very seriously. Its funny. I will admit - me and the bro get very competitive and losing or fucking up - sucks. But we still have fun. The bro is amazing. I'm not so great. In fact our team isnt really that great, but it doesnt matter. We have fun. We havent won a game yet....in fact 2 of the games we had our asses handed to us. But its fun. Team Captain is always up and positive. Our team is a fantastic group of people. Very laid back, fun, cool. Some are very athletic and into many sports, others like myself smoke while on the field sometimes. After the game we head to Sharkeez. I mean everyone. All 18 teams. They have a deal (Since they're our sponsors) - each team gets a platter of free appetizers, 2 for 1 beer pitchers and discounted drinks. Then we play flip cup. I hate beer. I really do. I'm trying so hard to drink it and get accustomed to it -especially for flip cup which I have found I'm outstanding at. All the McCoy's are. We rock. Flip Cup is a beer drinking game...they have a championship - hell they have a fucking trophy. Its hysterical. So - our kickball team may be 2nd to last at the moment - but we are in 1st place for the flip cup. Thats where our priorities are at. Its too damn funny.

So - thats my Monday nights. Working again is hard, because I cant party as hard as I'd like to now that I have to actually get up and work the next day -but I try to get a little in. One night a week I get to be somewhat active, dress all sporty (they also have themed nights sometimes....last nite was GREEN for St. Paddy's), hang with some cool peeps and feel sort of like a kid again. Who would have thought I would have ever been brilliant at a beer drinking game....!!!

I gave up my dreams today...

I got a job.
I should be jumping for joy. I should be thankful. I should be so appreciate and grateful due to the state of our economy and the state of alot of my friends. Its bitter sweet. I've wanted/needed a job since the sad demise of OP. I've moved back home and wanted back out. Those readers of mine out there may think less of me after this blog. But it ripped into my heart. This has been coming the past couple of weeks. The realist in me has been battling the dreamer ever since October. The realist won.
I tried so hard to look at this as a new opportunity. A new time to start a new life. A time to focus on becoming a paid actor. Getting an agent. Getting out there. Taking photographs again. Writing more, maybe even writing a book. I did none of this. I got to a breaking point and realized I need to give up my dreams. Ever since my divorce I've had this overhanging debt of my ex-husbands. I've never gotten ahead. I lived paycheck to paycheck but I lived on my own. Losing my job and moving back home humbled me tremendously. I've realized I have to get this debt gone and out of my life. I need to somewhat start over. The sad part of this is, I have to give up my dreams to do so. So I did it. I was offered a job in this failing economy. The pay is somewhat less (not much) then what I made at OP. I'm going back into a job I hated. But its a job. I'll have benefits and vacation time. I'll have money. I can now get that debt paid off. I can now actually for the 1st time since my divorce save some money and then move out on my own, by myself. I've become a statistic. I've become a normal boring person. I will have a job. I will have my own place. I will hopefully meet someone and maybe time I should start a family. I dont know. It seems I've never gone this direction and I havent been happy. I should try it. I need to be grateful for what I do have and suck it up. I need to be grateful that I have a wonderful family and a wonderful support group of friends. I need to stop trying so hard to suceed as an artist. I'm 33. Its time I grew up.

33...

I'm 33.

Lord.

I'm certainly not where I thought I would be at 33. Altho did I ever really know where I would be? Eh. Whatev.

It was a pretty mellow birthday for me this year, considering I'm known for throwing such insane bashes. I just didnt feel like celebrating really - not a bad thing - just more of a "whatev".

But what did happen was very nice. Sunday I had brunch at Taps with Dad, Lori, Shane and D. We drank lots of mimosas, laughed, stuffed ourselves and I got a parking ticket. Ya. City of Brea can bite me. Back to dad's to chill for a while. My actual bday was a running the grandparents around day - but we did go to lunch at Claim Jumper - stuffed my face again - they brought me a huge mud pie for my bday to which I think I got 2 bites of before the grandparents tore into it. One of the benefits of living at home is my bday morning. I woke up to find wrapped gifts all over. One on the dining room table from mom, one by the coffee maker from Tweaks, one on the computer from Tabitha, one on the couch from Smokie and one on the bathroom sink from Gallagher. My mom is a crack up and I know where I get my fun silly ideas like this!

I decided to do a last min - "Lets go drink" nite for my bday. Kickball was off and on all day long due to the rain - finally a decision of no. SO - that meant drinking in the city of Orange since that is now where I'm re-located back with moms. Shane, D and I rolled in to The District Lounge in the downtown Orange Circle. I hadnt been there in years and forgot how much I dug the place. Its a good size bar, booths, has a stage and dance floor but for Monday nights had pool tables and a shuffleboard set up instead. When the bartender looked at my ID he looked again and said "Is this today?!" "Yup!" I replied happily. He brought my wine I ordered along with a shot on the house. The 3 of us grabbed a middle table and started to chat. I grabbed the menu and to my utter delightfullness saw that there were tater tots on the menu! The bartender came over and I screeched "I want tator tots!" "Are you 8?" he laughs and left to get my order. The crew started to trickle in, Dad followed by Nat and Julie from my kickball team. Then rolls in T-mow, and some other kickballers - Zack, Ben and Chay. Nat brought a huge tin of adorable little cupcakes and the drinking began. We laughed, talked, drank. Eventually Fatima, Keith, La Becky and her boy arrived and the crew got bigger and louder. As I was outside Lil Marc showed up as well - a great friend of mine I havent seen in years. We all played pool, shuffleboard, picked faboo songs on the jukebox and had a great time. Some random fellow and his gf each bought me shots when they heard it was my bday and a few shots for some of the pretty girls as well! It was a perfect chill nite to bring in my 33rd year. I drove home happy and tipsy and thrilled at having so many new friends and old. Happy Birthday to me!