Sunday Funday...

My friend who I lovingly refer to as my gay husband lives up in LA. The second we met we instantly clicked. We dont see each other very often, but when we do its like the time never passed. I love him dearly. A few years ago we were in show together up in LA. This show ran for a month Fri-Sun. To save on gas and sanity, I would stay the nite with my gay husband on Saturday night - we'd then pal around all Sunday until our show that evening. Our Sunday's usually consisted of wandering around downtown Glendale. Shopping, eating, site seeing, just mainly spending lazy time together and loving it. We started to refer to this as our Sunday Funday. It was really fantastic. I got to see my sweetie every week and we were the type that didnt ever have to have plans - we could just wander. Last month I went up to visit him - interestingly enuff - a Sunday. Since I had been up there - Downtown Glendale had built an area called The Americana. Its an outside shopping area with a trolley, fountains, etc. He was excited to take me to this new local. We wandered around and it was beautiful! I want to go back, maybe on a weekday when it would be less crowded but we had a ball - as per usual. We wandered around, ate sushi, talked and people watched. Yay for Sunday Fundays!

Noodles...

A memory of sorts I suppose. R said blog it - here it is!
My Great Grandma McCoy was this tiny little round woman - maybe stood at about 4 feet 10 inches or something...all I remember was as a child - she wasnt much taller. She had a hooked nose and large moles and always reminded me a bit of a good witch. She was a lovely woman. I believe she was 96 when she passed away...or 98. I was very very young when she passed on. Its weird how you remember stuff tho - little tidbits - random images - I dont know - they're there.
Grandma McCoy used to make noodles. She made noodles from scratch. I remember this. I remember when she would come visit us (She lived in Illinois) so we didnt see her often, but when she came she'd always make noodles and "Biscuits and Stuff". She would stand in my mother's kitchen and I would watch her. I was just tall enuff to peer over the kitchen counter. She'd be in the kitchen for hours, puffs of flour clouds filling the air - some on her face and hands. She'd look at me with that twinkle in her eye and smile. "You want to help?" I always did. She'd have dough laid out everywhere. I mean everywhere. I'd help her roll it out with the rolling pin. "Keep rolling - it has to be paper thin!". When the dough would be like paper pizza she would cut out the noodles. One by fucking one. The patience that went into this process was amazing. She'd roll, and flour and cut and roll and flour and cut and so on - all day. When this process was over she'd bag up bags of noodles for the family members. These were the best fucking noodles you will ever taste - I guarantee it! Now - the violent part....
My family. You see we all loved these noodles. All of us. My mom, dad, my dad's sister connie and her hubby and all thier kids and my Grandad and Grams. Little back track - Grandma McCoy is my Grandad's mother. Grandad and Grams are my dad's parents. Connie his sister. This is a McCoy side of the family thing. My Grams passed away when I was 7. She lost a brutal battle with cancer - but this fond memory is one of my faves.
Grams/Grandad lived in a mobile home in Irvine I believe. We'd visit - especially when Gramma McCoy was in town - McCoy fam reunion. Now. Usually by this point most of these sought after noodles have been eaten. Grams would usually have a bag hidden. Every time someone would find it and take it. This is where the McCoy family noodle war would begin. I was too young to appreciate it but dammit do I wish I could have been older. I look back and realize how fantastically psycho the McCoy fam was about Gramma's noodles. Again - this happened many times - but this particular memory sticks out....
We had finished dinner/visiting/etc and all the fam was heading out. My Grams had hidden her stash of noodles somewhere she SWORE no one would find. She was so proud of herself. God love her. My Aunt Connie and hubs and kids were the 1st to leave. As we stood out on the porch waving goodbye - my Aunt held up the bag of noodles. I was standing next to Grams. Her mouth gaped open in utter shock and anger - Connie laaaaauughing as they drove away - Out of Grams mouth came tumbling her dentures. Yup. The utter shock caused the gaping mouth and teeth to come a flyin. Mind you this was a bit mortifying for me as a child, but as I look back and remember the entire family bursting into uncontrolable laughter as Connie drove away - everyone but Grams. She was FURIOUS. I dont remember what happened afterwards, but I do remember the laughter. The pure laughter that was filled with love.
I miss my Gramma McCoy and I miss my Grams. I do wish I could have known them as I got older - altho I'm sure I have them constantly rolling over in thier graves. ;)
Its memories like that tho - that for some reason are trapped in your mind forever. Figured I'd share. R - I'll be getting that noodle recipe to you....

This week...

Its been a rough week. Goods. Bads. Nerves. My head is a whirling buzz of madness. My soul aches. My heart hurts. I think about him. It makes me sad. I didnt realize how much I had really wished it worked out. Dealing with those emotions always makes for sad, for tears, for wishing, for wondering. I'm feeling alright today. Tired but alright.
Tuesday I had my 1st job interview in 10 years. He txted me good luck and too relax, the only time I've heard from him but it made me happy that he thought of me. I spent the day searching the net on "Interview Questions" and what to wear, etc. I wasnt that nervous until I started doing that. This is when I realized "Oh fuck, I dont know what the hell I'm doing". I didnt eat the whole day. I went thru my closet 10 times over trying to find something "conservative" to wear. I have made a mental note that I need to purchase an "Interview blouse". I got nice pants but no nice shirts. Anyway - I arrived super early and when the 2 lovely ladies interviewed me I babbled on like an idiot forcing a smile thru my sweaty palms. When she opened the folder and pulled out my resume I saw the huge pile of other applicants. Fuck. I left feeling like I did the best I could and promptly bought myself a giant sandwich now that I was able to eat again. She called me yesterday leaving me a msg saying I didnt get the job, but it was down to me and one other. It was a hard decision. They really liked me and liked talking with me. Their may be a position opening up in a couple of weeks, should she send me the info? They really would love to find a place for me there.
So - I didnt get the job - but I feel really good! Down to me and one other! Out of all those other applicants!!! I plan on calling her on Mon and saying "YES! Send me the info for the other position please!" So it was a bit of a let down, but not bad at all. I feel really good that I did so well on my 1st interview in 10 fucking years. I'd love to work for this company, so hopefully maybe this other position may be more up my alley. We'll see.
My lovely girlfriend came over Thursday night for a sleepover. She arrived with a bottle of wine and a bouquet of orange tulips to cheer me up. I treated her to a sushi dinner, we came home and spent hours in mom's spa finishing the bottle of wine, talking, laughing, catching up. The rain came down on us a few times while we sat in the spa. We loved it. "You look so beautiful right now" she said to me at one point. Its amazing to me sometimes how girlfriends can sometimes say the most perfect things at the most perfect moments. I may be sad to be single again, I may be heart aching over my last failed relationship, I may have my moments where I wonder if I'll ever meet a man who will love me but nothing can ever give me what friendships can - especially girlfriends. She stayed the nite, we went to Target the next morning, then mom, her and I went and saw "He's Just Not That Into You" at a theater in Anaheim. We ate extremly buttered popcorn and chuffed and giggled thru the movie. I'll never take for granted the friends and family I have in my life thats for damn sure. :)
Tonight I'm seeing a bunch of friends in Angels in America in Fullerton, tomorow I'm meeting another girlfriend for lunch, taking care of the grandparents and maybe attending a party or 2.
I'm going into this next week forcing myself to be more motivated, more proactive. Not that I havent been - but I need to step it up. I dont know what my future holds right now and this terrifies me beyond belief, but I've got to start fighting it more. I'm allowing myself to be sad, I'm allowing myself to feel but I refuse to let it consume me.

Ups and Downs...

I've had a bit of an up and down week....Still struggling along with the day to day battle....but no need to get into that. Closed my show last Sat. Successfull, almost everyone loved it. My Steelers won the Super Bowl but the Cardnals did give them a run for thier money which I appreciated. I went to the old pad and watched the game on the ex-roomie's ridiculously large projector he now has that blasts across the whole wall. Its like watching a crystal clear movie. Its pretty amazing. A good group of people, laughing, eating, cheering. Only me and one other Steelers fan - this made for good times of cheer offs.
I ended it with the boy Sunday night. This hurt my heart. Alot. Its been about 6 months and I've brought it up a few times, that I need just a little more from him...just a little. Like how it was in the begining maybe? A little. Not alot. He couldnt. This hurt. I go back and forth now, as expected after an ending I suppose. I get angry that he doesnt understand where I'm coming from. I get sad because I will miss the good times. I get scared wondering if I'm unlovable. I cry. I've cried alot these past few months. My heart aches right now. I wish he knew. I wish he could give me just a little compassion, romance, affection. Just a little. Make me feel wanted, make me feel like he still cares. But no. He's shut off emotionally. He sees things so differently, so differently in fact that I couldnt get him to understand. I've talked this over many times with friends and family and have realized I'm not crazy, I'm not asking for too much - hell I'm not asking for much at all, that I need to do whats right. So I hope I did. He may call to talk, he may never speak to me again. I dont know, but I'm in the grieving process now. Family/friends as usual are so very supportive. In fact one of my closest girlfriends made a comment - "Sweetie, maybe your mouring what the relationship could have been instead of what it was". I found this dead on. I saw potential in the begining, there was something, there was a spark but it never grew and I really do think that stings the most...I saw what could have been but never will. Ouch. So I am single again. I think I'm a little more something tho...I dont know if its good or bad...but something. I realized - I had a semblence of a relationship there for a bit...havent had that since the doomed marriage. I feel different. I dont know if I'm more confident to go into the single world now, more jaded or more scared. Guess we'll find out right? Eeeeesh. This was my most devastating part of my week, but there were a couple of goods...
Kickball. Yup kids - My lovely girlfriend signed me up for kickball as a Xmas gift. My brother and his wife play as well. (This lovely friend needs to come play too... you know who you are! ;) ) I have to admit, I didnt want to go Monday night - obviously - after what happened over the weekend, the last thing I wanted to do was go out. I just wanted to cry and hold his pictures and wish he loved me but no - I had to go out. It was our 1st game! So I did. Cant say I was in a pleasant mood when I climbed into the car with my bro and D, but I was determined. Kids - kickball is exactly what it was when you were kids - but now they have a National Kickball League. I play for the Surf City Division on the team called the Drunken Degenerates. We played the team called Drunk Again and Looking to Score on Monday night. We got our asses handed to us. Its hysterical. We drink beer, laugh, and play fucking kickball. I thought I'd be much better then I was - but there is a problem of very very bright lights ! I also thought I'd kick bad ass - but no, kicked like a retard and was immediatly thrown out. Of course the bro kicked ass. Sigh. I will be having to prove myself -but it really was so fun! I'm looking foward to next Monday. Great group of peeps - I'll keep you posted.
I also had my 1st job interview yesterday in 10 years. I'll post a seperate blog on that later, I realized this one is getting a bit long. So ups and downs. Ups and downs. I will fight this goddammit. As the bro said - "Its a cycle J, your just at the bottom right now but it'll start swinging back to good...just wait".

Ice Cream Trucks...

Sitting on my mother's patio the other day, draggin on a cig, watching the pug move her dish around to get the last little nibblets of her dinner, I heard an Ice Cream Truck. I didnt even know they were still around! As I sat there listening to the awful twang of the broken down melody, flashes of my childhood filled my mind.
The ice cream truck was a big deal here in my neighborhood. When I grew up here, the block was filled with children - all of us around the same age. We'd play until the street lights came on. We played baseball in the street, built forts in the Orange Grove (Before it was torn down for condos), we hiked to a place in there we liked to call "Skull Rock" (a random rock formation in the orange grove that looked like a skull face), we played hide and go seek, we played and we played and we fought and we laughed and we were kids. When the sound of the ice cream truck would fill the air - whatever we were doing we'd stop - bolt for our houses - blast in the door screaming for said parent to give us a quarter or two for the ice cream man. If we hadn't been little assholes that day we'd get our change. We'd then bolt back out the house and stumble over each other to get to the ice cream man. Big sticks, ice cream sandwiches, candy, toys - trying to decide which to get was the biggest decision we'd have to make that day. After about 20 minutes of about 10-15 kids making there purchases we'd all sit around and eat our goodies - multiple colors of sugar coated whatever covering our faces. Then back to play.
This made me miss childhood so much. Do you remember when you were a kid? Everything was so easy. For me anyway I miss the time before I turned 12. 12 was my turning point. The year I lost my innocence. The year I started growing up. The year I started realizing what reality had in store. But before that. I miss it. I miss it so much. No job worries, no responsibilities. Just fun. We all played together - no races, religions, judgements. We'd scrape our knees and mom would pour bactine on it and blow away the pain. We liked school - there was always something new. We colored. We ran. We'd lay on the warm grass and stare up at the sky pointing out animals in the puffy clouds. We had slip & slides in the summer. My brother and would climb on the roof. We'd do flips and stunts on the playgrounds at the parks. We founds bugs and made little homes for them and would horrify our parents when they'd find them. We played with our pets - they were one of us you know. We had friends over and we'd play with barbies or strawberry shortcakes or She-Ra's or my little ponies. My brother and I would ride our bmx bikes and learned tricks. We skated. We had big wheels. On the 4th of July's we'd have a neighborhood BBQ with fireworks and food and everyone together. My brother and I would stand on our lawn holding our ears when the fireworks were being shot off. Christmas time the neighbors would exchange cookies and cakes and goodies. My one neighbor would always give us homemade tamales. We climbed tress. I helped my dad when he'd work on the yard. We were kids.
It yanked at my heart strings a bit. All these memories flooding back then realizing I'm at a point in my life I never thought I'd be at. I did get tamales at Xmas. God love them, but thats it. No more kids, no more playing. The condos loom over and complain if people are too loud. No more orange grove - they keep building more over it. Most of my neighborhood playmates are now married with children of thier own. Some happy and successfull some struggling like I am. Its hard to be back home. Its hard to have given up my independance. Its hard to have a very uncertain future. I still have my good days and bad days. To Mr. Anonoymous - I do volunteer and I do know how fortunate I am, I'll never take for granted the fact that I have a wonderful mother and a place to go. But still - its hard. I'm turning 33 next month. I miss being a kid. Oh how I miss being a kid!

Geeking out...

Yup.

I'm a huge fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Series. I've watched the entire thing probably about 4 times, and now being moved home and unemployed I find myself on my more downer days losing myself in the fantasty that is Buffy. I'm watching all the commentary this time around and the special features and everything. I'm almost done with Season 3. (For the 5th time). I cant help it. I'm admitting it here because I can. This is my little outlet. Yes I'm a huge geek. The show is so well written. It has everything I love. Horror - including fantastic monsters. Humor - Joss is one of the best writers out there. Love - rewatching the Buffy/Angel relationship has brought me to tears, many times. Writing - its wonderful how Joss ties in horror with the every day life, the stories are fantastic and only get better each season. I'm looking foward to Season 4 which has my favorite episode ever - Hush. The actors are delightful and all play thier parts so well. Plus I also love to see hot chicks kickin ass. Yes. This is my geek moment. I will happily admit that I fucking love this series. It makes me laugh and cry and appreciate its brilliance. This blog is also possibly a warning...I may blog further on this series...I do have alot of time on my hands lately....

Stomp...

I saw Stomp for the 4th time last nite with the fam. They were fantastic!
When I saw them for the 1st time, years ago, I fell in love. We all have that one dream right? I wanted to be a member of Stomp. They have everything I love - Dance. Percussion. Comedy. Energetic. I watched them in amazement thinking to myself "I can totally do this! This is me! I can see myself up there rockin it!"
I played drums for 3 years. I've always had an ear for music - especially percussion. I know rhythm and I know it well. I've always loved to dance. I'm also a huge goofball, so comedy comes natural for me.
For fun I looked up auditions. Sadly I realized my little pipe dream of joining the Stomp crew would never happen. You needed so many years of Tap (I have none). I was too old. There were many other things I was just not experienced to do. I accepted my fate but have tried to catch them perform whenever I can. My fam loves them too. We're a family of musicians and music lovers and dance lovers so of course we always have a ball.
They did my favorite part - the performers hanging from the wall of stuff (Pots, pans, trashcans, etc) and swing back and forth on the ropes banging away in perfect rhythm. I love when thier loud. I love when they go off on the bigger noise makers and of course I love the finale when they all come out with trash cans and lids and trade off and bounce around like kids on speed.
Last nite they didnt do the "key" bit, but they had a new thing - inner tubes. I love watching the new shit they come up with. They did the zippo bit, the bag of random crap bit, the sinks, the folding chairs, buckets, tap numbers using only thier bodies and more.
Dad and I bounced in our seats to the rhythm, mom giggled the whole time and my bro (his 1st time seeing them live) kept leaning forward in his seat in amazement.
They got a standing ovation - they well deserved it. I dreamed last nite again my lil pipe dream of being a Stomp performer and woke up so sad it was a dream.
Dammit I love those kats!!!!