Ups and Downs...

I've had a bit of an up and down week....Still struggling along with the day to day battle....but no need to get into that. Closed my show last Sat. Successfull, almost everyone loved it. My Steelers won the Super Bowl but the Cardnals did give them a run for thier money which I appreciated. I went to the old pad and watched the game on the ex-roomie's ridiculously large projector he now has that blasts across the whole wall. Its like watching a crystal clear movie. Its pretty amazing. A good group of people, laughing, eating, cheering. Only me and one other Steelers fan - this made for good times of cheer offs.
I ended it with the boy Sunday night. This hurt my heart. Alot. Its been about 6 months and I've brought it up a few times, that I need just a little more from him...just a little. Like how it was in the begining maybe? A little. Not alot. He couldnt. This hurt. I go back and forth now, as expected after an ending I suppose. I get angry that he doesnt understand where I'm coming from. I get sad because I will miss the good times. I get scared wondering if I'm unlovable. I cry. I've cried alot these past few months. My heart aches right now. I wish he knew. I wish he could give me just a little compassion, romance, affection. Just a little. Make me feel wanted, make me feel like he still cares. But no. He's shut off emotionally. He sees things so differently, so differently in fact that I couldnt get him to understand. I've talked this over many times with friends and family and have realized I'm not crazy, I'm not asking for too much - hell I'm not asking for much at all, that I need to do whats right. So I hope I did. He may call to talk, he may never speak to me again. I dont know, but I'm in the grieving process now. Family/friends as usual are so very supportive. In fact one of my closest girlfriends made a comment - "Sweetie, maybe your mouring what the relationship could have been instead of what it was". I found this dead on. I saw potential in the begining, there was something, there was a spark but it never grew and I really do think that stings the most...I saw what could have been but never will. Ouch. So I am single again. I think I'm a little more something tho...I dont know if its good or bad...but something. I realized - I had a semblence of a relationship there for a bit...havent had that since the doomed marriage. I feel different. I dont know if I'm more confident to go into the single world now, more jaded or more scared. Guess we'll find out right? Eeeeesh. This was my most devastating part of my week, but there were a couple of goods...
Kickball. Yup kids - My lovely girlfriend signed me up for kickball as a Xmas gift. My brother and his wife play as well. (This lovely friend needs to come play too... you know who you are! ;) ) I have to admit, I didnt want to go Monday night - obviously - after what happened over the weekend, the last thing I wanted to do was go out. I just wanted to cry and hold his pictures and wish he loved me but no - I had to go out. It was our 1st game! So I did. Cant say I was in a pleasant mood when I climbed into the car with my bro and D, but I was determined. Kids - kickball is exactly what it was when you were kids - but now they have a National Kickball League. I play for the Surf City Division on the team called the Drunken Degenerates. We played the team called Drunk Again and Looking to Score on Monday night. We got our asses handed to us. Its hysterical. We drink beer, laugh, and play fucking kickball. I thought I'd be much better then I was - but there is a problem of very very bright lights ! I also thought I'd kick bad ass - but no, kicked like a retard and was immediatly thrown out. Of course the bro kicked ass. Sigh. I will be having to prove myself -but it really was so fun! I'm looking foward to next Monday. Great group of peeps - I'll keep you posted.
I also had my 1st job interview yesterday in 10 years. I'll post a seperate blog on that later, I realized this one is getting a bit long. So ups and downs. Ups and downs. I will fight this goddammit. As the bro said - "Its a cycle J, your just at the bottom right now but it'll start swinging back to good...just wait".