Starting 2011...

I'd like to try and take more photos to document my year happenins....yet a few of these my little sure shoter just didnt quite cut it - but you can kinda make out the photos! Looks like a new baby camera is needed in the near future. Too bad I cant fold up my fancy big love camera into my purse...but anywhoo....
I realized blogging my year end review - things were fuzzy during alot of the year, trying to remember, etc. I will be 35 next month...maybe old age forgetfullness is setting in! Doh!!! So I'm going to attempt to try to "recap" more often. I've noticed alot of peeps dont seem to blog as much anymore - but I'm gonna keep on truckin! I'm sure I have maybe just a handful of you folks that actually read these but thats cool with me. I love ya all for it!!
So - January so far....
Not too bad!
New Years Eve into day was fantastic. I had a small group of friends come over, and the night was full of laughter, great conversation and a wonderful time. There was about 10 or so of us and when 12 o'clock rolled around - we sort of paused to cheers and kiss and hug and pop poppers but then went right back into the multiple conversations going on. It was perfect. 2 of my favorite girls stayed the eve, and we got breakfast in our jammies that morning and watched the Rose Parade probably 3 times trying to catch this one particular float. Later that afternoon I picked up my bro/sis in law from LAX and heard all about thier fantastic trip to Ireland.
The next day T and I got wild hairs up our butts as we do and headed up to Pasadena to look at the floats up close and personal - it was raining and crowded but we had a blast. T held my umbrella everytime I whipped out my camera and we huddled together through the cold. The floats were beautiful and I have a new appreciation for how those things are put together.
The first week of Jan we hit Tower of Power. T joined and it was AMAZING. We ran into our old friend as well which was fantastic. As I sat there and listened to the brilliant-ness that is T.O.P. I thought to myself "Every f-ing music fan needs to watch this band to understand how talented they are!!!" I'm not kidding folks - if you can - check them out. They are seriously one of the best live performances you will ever see. Every single one of them. Uber-talented. We of course had a perfect night at the Coach House.
I've opened up my show No Exit last weekend. Sadly, its not a show I'm super excited about but it has come together somewhat. The best part about the whole experience is I've made a new friend in one of my castmates. New friends are always awesome! We run for 4 more weekends - 11pm on Friday's which might actually kill me and 5pm on Saturdays. Hopefully it will be well recieved.
Saturday night Ber and I attended a fundraiser where our friends band Just Plain Big was going to perform and had a great night. The other musicians were not so great, but when his band came out the place was jumpin and excited. They're a punk band our age and older. I loved it. The singer was a ball of energy and a spitting image of one of my dear friends. Noel was fantastic. Computer geek turned rockstar. I loved it. Ber and I had a wonderful time discussing music, eating Rubios and cheering on our friend.
The next night had a lovely steak dinner with T as we had our usual catch up fabulous conversation.
Job is going well, got a raise already! We had today off work so caught up on all my errands I've slacked off on due to tech week and exhaustion.
Training is back in full force, and I'm finding myself wanting to eat better. Since I dont cook AT ALL and never will I'm on a hunt to find easy/quick ways to do this. (Bite me kitchen? Any tips for us?) I bought some greens, and a good dressing and mom made chicken the other night so I do plan to throw together a 5 minute salad...hopefully I can come up with more ideas.
I do have a new physical issue I've got to deal with - the famous foot thing again. My chiropracter is thinking it actually may be something called neuroma. Looks like an MRI of my foot is in my future. But I'll handle it. Guess I may have to just work upper body at the gym for a bit.
I do need to hunker down and get my finances in order. I'm really really wanting to go to Coachella this year, but its not looking good. Plus if I start forkin out some medical bills...eeesh.
I've added a few photos from this month so far and I'm feeling good. Now that my head is above water after No Exit opening I'm excited to keep moving in the direction I am. Things are still changing. I dig it.
Tonite - I'm thinkin wine and hot tub.......

2010...

The year is almost over. Every single time this year I think "Holy Shit! The year is over?!" But who doesnt. I got on iPod for Xmas, so as I sit here trying to finish uploading the last of my music (Not sure if you knew I was a music whore...this is a long process), figured what a good time to pop out my year end blog. I must say, as I've mentioned before - something's changing in my life. I think this year was the start, next year will be more changing and somewhat of a prep and 2012 will be my year. I dont want to put expectations on one particular year, but 2012 is the Year of the Dragon and we all know what that means. But who knows. I hope to continue with these slow changes in my life. I'm really hoping for a major upswing in the financial situation, but again we'll see. For now: 2010.
January:
NYE started of lovely - Lumberjack party at my bro's and ended up with a fun hook up in the process. January was the month I got glasses. During the prior few months, I noticed I was squinting at street signs and having a hard time reading things on the TV or movie screen. Age sort of bitch slapped me. I've had perfect vision my whole life. I go visit this Aussie eye fellow - and he tells me I have a very mild case of near-sighttedness. He doesnt know why, said its actually unusual for someone with perfect vision to start having issues at my age, but says not to worry and honestly doesnt think it'll get any worse. I'm only to wear them when I need them. So driving at night and when I watch movies/tv/plays that are a bit far away - I wear them. What can I say - I know I can pull of the cute librarian when I want :). January was also full of Revenger's Tragedy rehearsals. This is the show that ended up being something I loved and hated at the same time. We were supposed to open in January, permits fell through at the new MWC space, then the next few months became are we going to do it? If so where and when. The damn thing got post-phoned and moved so many times it sort of killed the love for the show. But - my little brother was in it as a small role and I did really dig the show and the people in it and it did end up being awesome. But Lawd.
February:
Nothing too exciting happening in Februrary except of course my birthday! We hit up the District Lounge again. That seems to be becoming my birthday hang out. A faboo crew came out and we had a great night. There was also a bowling night in there somewhere, but I point this out because I was reunited with a friend of mine from HS. He's a great person and I was so glad he popped back into my life. Also during this time I was starting to fall for said NYE hook up not knowing what was ahead. Also Revengers...still rehearsing and unsure.
March:
Another nothing really to report (I guess I had kind of a slow start to the year). Except Revengers finally opened!!!!! Yay! We had only 2 days of tech in the brand new spot we had available to us and had to completely change the staging. It was nerveracking, alot of work, alot of blood sweat and tears but the damn thing finally went up and was quite well recieved. Being in a show with my lil bro made it all worthwhile. He made me so proud! I know he'll never do it again though! ;)
April:
We closed Revengers in April. So proud, so happy. In April, mom and I also went and saw Stomp - I had got us tix for her bday and we had a fantastic time as always.
Both of us such huge fans of the group. April also of course brings Coachella! No need to go into detail here, as all you readers I'm sure read the Coachella day blogs. But of course - an always memorable time with my girls!
May:
Lesseee...May's highlights would include the music of course. Our annual trip to Doheny Blues fest falls in here - again no details needed as it has its own blog, and T and I took E to see Massive Attack for her bday present. We had a great time and I absolutley dug Massive Attack! Wasnt familiar with them, but am now a fan! We also made to and Angels game this month, and it was a particularly fun evening becuase our friend Vinnie who I adore - pretty much treated me, D and Nat to the whole evening. So much fun! May also brings the annual White Trash BBQ. I have had to miss it the past few years due to my Havasu trips, but didnt make it out there this year so was able to make an appearance in my WT get up with Tab soda and Twinkies in hand. As per usual The Matzkanins threw a fabulous party! This was also the month my heart got a little broken, because dumb me had started falling for the previous mentioned fellow only to get slapped in the face. There's a blog about that one too :)
June:
We're now rollin into Summer - my FAVORITE time of year, so I'm sure I was in much better spirits all around. We started the month off seeing my friends Susy and Mark tie the knot, then immediatly after said wedding - T and I blast off to LA to see LCD Soundsystem.....aaawwweeesssooome!!! Other highlights were our SATC girls day out (Altho only 3 of us made the movie), Seeing my darlin Shan sing, another round of Gogol Bordello and ended the month off in Palm Springs for Robin's bday weekend and flying back in time to make T's mom's 70th.
July:
July of course brings Kelly's Beach - again it has its own blog, but always an adventure. July was also full of artwalks and outside events which I always love as well as a visit to Pageant of the Masters which as usual was very beautiful. July 4th weekend was a blast - had a nice party on the 3rd with great friends and spent the 4th BBQing with my gay husband.
August:
August highlights finally got me to the OC Fair, again lots of summer events, Simon's 1 year bday, the Foodie Fest and seeing another set of friends get married. This particular wedding was at a Winery and was very beautiful. These are my Ken/Barbie friends - yes they are that pretty. The the biggest change in August was the Chapman job offer. Yup - as you all know I have a new job. At the time of course I didnt realize what a difference it would make, but it has really been the best decision I could have made. It was hard, stressful, uncomfortable and nerve racking but I did it. I got it. And I dig it.
September:
September's highlights are the Street Fair - we always have a blast of bike riding, drinking and eating way too much all weekend. More lovely outside events....God I love summer....and of course the best moment all month - Muse. They again have thier own blog, but what an amazing show.
October:
October is pretty much when kickball and my training started. So this was a good thing. I was starting to try to get my fat ass back in shape. Also saw yes some MORE friends tie the knot in a beautiful very windy wedding down in Long Beach. I was able to hit San Clemente for one day/night (the new job did unfortunatly get in the way of that vacation). I saw a good amount of theater this month it seemed. I also had a bit of a party month. One weekend was a friends Tim Burton themed party - I was a hit. The next month was a surprise bday party for Lori then the next weekend was Halloween! My Jay had a party up in WeHo this year that was faboo as usual and my busted up doll costume was a hit. Our usual trip to Haunt was also a blast.
November:
November was filled with more theater, kickball, training, dinners and a couple of parties. Lots of time with friends and family and of course Thanksgiving. It was at the bro/sis-in-law's place this year and was really nice!
December:
More parties - a pajama Xmas party, a rave themed bday party and of course Christmas!!! Which was lovely.
So here we are at the end of 2010.
I can finally not say what a horrible year. Its been of a year of lots of slow change - change I didnt even realize was happening. And I'm still changing which is really weird but good. I handle life differently. As always, it seems friendships change. I'm starting to spend more time with less people. Dont get me wrong - I love all my friends, all the parties and gatherings, etc. But I'm truly valuings those one on one times with the friends that truly understand and support me. My trust in people and what I share with people has altered. When it comes to men, I'm even a bit different. I'm more open to giving things a chance, but if its not going anywhere and I'm not feeling that connection - fuck it. I honestly dont want to waste my time. I think this whole self discovery thing is affecting that for sure. I'm also starting to accept myself for who I am. And I like it. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm an even better friend. So take it or leave it.
SO thats it I guess! 2010 is driving to a close. I'll be bringing in the new year in jammies with whoever comes over.
I hope 2011 brings all you readers nothing but peace love and happiness. I know it sounds corny - but its true.
Happy New Year everyone!

The Holidays have arrived....

Warning - this blog may be another nonsense rambling one...although when I come to think of it which one of my blogs are not just that right?
Anyway - the holidays are here. Christmas Eve is 2morow! My plans of the day are still up in the air. This is the 1st year in who knows how long I have nothing to do. The holidays are a little tricky this year. Papa's health of course kept the question raised of where/what we would be doing with them. But he's doing ok, so it looks like Ma will be bringing them over here Xmas day for a while, then I'll be having dinner with dad later that night. Shane/D are on a plane to Ireland as I type. Ma is housesitting thier place, and the roomie has flown home. So here I am at the house with just the kittehs and Smokie, and will be all through the holidays (with the exception of Xmas). Whats weird? I dont care. My normal M.O. would be to get depressed, cry, feel lonley, etc. It isnt 2morow eve yet, so I cant guarantee this will last until then, but I actually think it will. I'm finding myself in a different place these days. Yesterday was a testament to how much I actually like where I work now. We had a huge holiday party - I guess they do this every year, and its the entire faculty/staff so there was like 400 people or something. Party went till noon and then everyone was pretty free to go home. Now - I still had about an hours worth of work to do. Normally when everyone is gone and I'm stuck still working, I'm furious and want to leave so bad and get angry, etc. Yesterday - I didnt. My boss was even saying "Woman go home!". I just had to make a quick deposit - its not like I was going to be there long, but I was ok with it! It was so bizzare! How fascinating is it to actually like where you work!!!!! (We wont discuss the downpour I got caught in whilst making said deposit). Having a job I dont despise has made quite a difference in my life. I'm hoping to hell Mitzy is right that now everything will start falling into place. The other day I thought to myself...2010 was not horrible, but a bit of a stumble. 2011 will be getting me geared up for an amazing 2012. I dont know why I feel this way but I do. I read a funny little article (in Cosmo no less) about the difference between women in thier 20's and women in thier 30's. It was spot on. I was cracking up. Maybe this is why I feel like things are changing in my life? Yes its a long slow change, but its still change. Who knew Cosmo would point that out so simply. Things are not perfect of course - my financial situation is still grim. The car fix, and the recent vet bill (Dont worry..kittehs are fine) knocked me back pretty hard. Of course the holidays always hurt as much as I try to budget. So thats a bit rough. I'm still single and not sure if I'm ok with it or not. I dont think I am since every guy who smiles or talks to me nicely I'm instantly picturing us in bed or dating or whatever. I also still curse at romantic movies and screech at whoever is with me what bullshit it is. Hmmmm ya...still need to work on that one. And of course still livin with Ma due to the financial hurdles. But - I'm working on it all. The training is starting to sort of pay off. My muscles have returned, I can fit in my pants and I'm noticably in better shape - but I have a long way to go. I'm learning patience people. I hate it but I'm learning it. Things are moving upward they really are - they're just taking a really really long time.
Anywhoo - Year End Blog comin soon I'm sure, I have some time off so I'll have a moment. So happy holidays to my readers! May your Christmas be lovely! I may be dancing around my house in my Xmas underwear drinking a bottle of wine and singing Xmas carols to myself and I'm totally looking foward to it!

Thanksgiving....

So its Thanksgiving of 2010.
First of all I cant believe this year has flown by. I suppose around this time of year we all say the same thing every year. During the year it creeps by, yet all of sudden here falls the beginning of the "Holiday" season. Holy shit. I'll look forward to writing my year in review blog later this year, because for the 1st time in a long time I'm pretty confident its actually going to have much more good things then bad. But today is Turkey Day. I feel I should protest the concept of the holiday, and it is a little morbid actually thinking of the all the turkeys you see and knowing they symbolize the day because we eat them later, and of course there is a part of me that will be like that....I'm a fucking hippie until the day I die - when someone starts preaching about how we stole the land from the indians and this holiday is a sham...I cant really argue and I cant help but feel a pang of guilt when I see the cartoon turkey holding up a sign that says eat chicken. But it does seem our Thanksgiving's our a little off "Tradition" anyway. Honestly, we dont all sit around a big table and say our prayers and say what we're thankful for. I dont know if any of us as ever really watched the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Its rarely just "Family" - there are always friends joining us. In fact mom misses the times we had more "orphans". (Sis in law has been doin it the past couple of years). But ours is special for sure. Its a time when the family does get together with friends mixed in and spend time together. We're a very close family anyway - this is not nessasarily unusual - but this time we get lots of food to go with it. Each year my bro and sis-in-law have had it at thier place they have come up with a new way to cook the poor bird. This year its some infer-red cooker thing. I'm a little wary, but there is always the ham too....
So honestly I dont know what my point to this blog is, other then the fact that I'm really looking foward to today (even tho the cold Santa Ana winds are here and my glands are swollen). I'm looking foward to eating to my hearts content, drinking plenty of the wine I bring (I'm booze gal...shocking I know) and hanging with the family and some friends. I'm sure some games will be broken out and a drunken Cranium or Taboo will happen but lots of laughter will be guaranteed I'm sure.
Hopefully Papa and Gramma can make it this year (the last 2 gramma's been sick, and this year as you know Papa is having a rough time at it). So fingers crossed.
So after all my usual useless rambling I do want to throw out some thank you shout outs:
I'm truly thankful and grateful that I am surrounded by such wonderful family and friends. I'm lucky to have a super close family who loves the shit out of each other. To my friends - your amazing. I've grown closer to some - you know who you are. I'm so lucky to not just have one best friend but to have multiple. This year those who have especially touched my heart: Lib - you'll always make me laugh and your fierce loyalness to friendship is extrodinary. T - I truly think we're fucking connected, thank you for always loving me and being right there by my side through the ups and the brutal downs. Mitzy - Your an inspiration. I strive to achieve the amazing things you have in life. Your encouragement is priceless. Mic - I'm so happy your back and our long conversations and ramblings I've missed. You've always loved me just for being me no matter what. There of course are so many more of you that have made an amazing difference in my life in ways you may not even be aware of and I thank you.
I'm thankful for the new job that pretty much landed in my lap. The enviroment is such a more positive one, my boss is amazing and I'm actually happy there. Its a trip! :)
I'm thankful that mom's impact on Papa has truly made a difference in his health, and I'm so happy to actually see a transformation like that. I believe that my mom's love has actually extended the life of one of the most important men in my life. She's got that kind of power people ;)
I'm thankful for my precious kitties (yes crazy cat lady rant). They love me so fiercely and are such mama's girls. They protect me, entertain me, love me and cuddle with me. Yes I'm so thankful for my furry children.
I'm thankful for my health. I'm alive. I've put my body through the ringer more often then I care to admit and I'm trying now to take better care of it. I'm thankful that I havent killed my dumb ass yet.
I'm of course thankful for the ocean, sushi, art, kickball, coffee, naps, sex, flowers, funny videos, sunsets, San Clemente, fairs, music, laughter, Halloween Time, and on and on and on.
And a big Thank You too all you people who actually read my random writings. Have a Happy Happy Thanksgiving!

Entertaining night out...

So, T invites me out due to the fact that I have a bit of an over crowded situation at my house right now. We decide to hit Lazy Dog or Old Irisher. Dog being to crowded as usual we land at Irisher (corn beef on my mind...). After 10 minutes of wondering if we were invisible because no one seem to want to serve us, we pretty much tackled a waitress to get some attention. A Lucy Liu look-a-like came and apologized profusley and became our girl. We happily ordered our drinks and cornbeef. T the tacos, me the sliders. OMG SO GOOD!!!!! Thats right. I said OMG. We chatted, caught up, our usual lovely convo and eventually ended up outside in the cold Santa Ana winds to finish our drinks & smoke (ya. epic fail on the quitting..not giving up yet tho) Not long did a lil drunk girl named Sonja become our bestie. She introduced us to a new word "Slutskin" (dressing skimpy but your not cold because your dressed like a whore as she so proudly displayed). We laughed and smiled, trying to be patient through the talk of her break up, etc. (We've all been there - admit it). Her friend joins us and in the span of maybe 30 seconds - Sonja bends over to show T the tattoo on her ass of her friends (who just joined us) lips. Dress overhead - ass in T's face, a huge gust of wind proceeds to push my 1/2 full wine glass and billfold across the table towards me. I try to grab them both (picture a slow motion chaos ensueing) and miss the glass as it then shatters at my feet. And I mean SHATTERED. Sonja, dress overhead, shrieks "I didnt do it!" and her friend grabs her arm "We HAVE to go!" and they take off running. T is staring at me in shock and awe at what just occurred. We then find ourselves under the table trying to pick up the ridiculous amount of shattered glass while I'm heartbroken I just lost the remainder of my very yummy wine. THE WIND PUSHED MY GLASS ACROSS THE TABLE! It wasnt on the edge or a corner, it was in the middle of the table! WTF. T and I burst into fits of laughter at the ridiculous turn of events that just happened in less then a minute. T takes in my glass to explain the situation. Lucy Liu appears a few moments later with a full glass of wine on the house due to my tragedy & we laugh again. I state I must write a mini blog. Sonja returns a few more times throughout the evening loveing our young looks and cool demeanor (according to her) and this night goes into the books as yet another entertaining random Team TJ adventure.

David Sedaris...

I met him Wednesday night.
David Sedaris is one of my favorite authors. I picked up his book Naked, after reading some excerps from Holiday's on Ice. I fell in love. Here was a guy who writes about the mudane turning into glorious humor, or taking life's bullshit and turning it around to make you laugh out loud. It's my style. I love when someone can take some crappy experiences and turn them into humor. He inspires the way I write. I hope that all my trials and tribulations have been at least amusing. I found sometimes when I would bitch or vent about something people would be laughing in response. I loved this. I loooooove to make people laugh.
My 2nd or 3rd day at Chapman University - my new boss was showing me how to use the "My Window" feature we have and I saw that he was coming to do a reading and book signing in October - I flipped out. Just a little. I immediatly purchased my ticket and eagerly awaited the day to come when I could meet one of my favorite authors. I've never been to a book reading/signing so I was excited for this new experience. As the day arrived, and musical tickets ensued now that I've made a few friends at work - my office mate and I had dinner (I introduced him to Saki - he's now obssessed) and we arrived an hour early. I had heard he was going to do some signings before the show and I wanted to make sure I got my book signed. I was 3rd in line.
Around 7:30 he arrived and I stood nervously clutching Naked. He was shorter then I thought and a little older looking. I had chosen Naked since it was my favorite and 1st book of his I ever read. When it was my turn I walked up to the table like an excited little teenager. "Hi!!!" I think I actually shouted. "Its a real pleasure to meet you!" He looked up at me and smiled. "Hi there, would you like a peanut?" He had just poured a pile of peanuts onto the table to munch on while signing books. "Um...sure!" I took a peanut and started crunching away as he began to draw in my book. "A penguin maybe?" he said, then put To Jami and signed his name under the bird. We talked a little more about peanuts and I shook his hand and thanked him probably a little too much.
I promplty walked over to the stand where they were selling his latest book (The only one I havent read) and I bought it.
A bit after 8pm we sat in the small hall as James Doti (Our Chapman Prez) introduced David. He came out and started chatting to the audience, read a story about a rabbit from his new book, played some audio from his books on tape and proceed to tell some very rauncy jokes. I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face, my mouth and my cheeks ached. I think one of my favorite moments was when he talked about how Hugh (his partner) and he had thier little chores they did around the house. Hugh would replace the dry wall while he would dress bees up in tiny suits of armour made out of tin foil. He also turned a bit about a pronuciation of Nicuragua into a 10 minute speel. He was amazing. He was funny, he was charming, he was real, he was exactly like he writes.
I dont know if I'll ever go anywhere with my writing, but I have to say he's a huge influence on my and I was so happy I got to see him live and meet him in person.
I do apologize tho, I will never be loaning out Naked. :)

Here we go again...

I'm getting restless.
Part of it is because I'm sick. Ya, you get stuck at home, hacking up a lung and feeling like your head is full of cotton tends to grate your nerves. But I was getting restless before this damn flu settled into my body. I havent done a creative project in a very long time - this has to change. I'm sure thats part of it. Actually I'm sure thats a big part of it. I've been on this crazy kick of getting organized that I think I've let my creative needs fall by the way side. Of course life has its way of making some creative decisions a little difficult - New job, takin care of Papa, cutting back on funds, etc etc. Not that I'm complaining by any means - but I think I've forgotten how much I need creativity in my life.
I have a hefty set of goals I'm trying to accomplish at the moment, and I may be over doing it a bit. The smoking thing was obviously an epic fail - BUT - I havent gone back to smoking as much as I did. In fact, probably less then half of what I did before - which is good. I never did that before. Plus I've felt like a complete jackass and a failure - so that overwhelming guilt is helping. Being sick at the moment a cigarette is the last thing on my mind, so we're trying again. A friend of mine "cut back" smoking then got sick and quit. I'm figuring maybe that will get me over the little hump to actually officially become a non-smoker.
This new job is a big deal too. The job itself is not glamorous, but its such a great place to work. My boss is fantastic, my office mate is a kick and most of the people are pretty cool. I feel at home there. Its a trip. This is the 1st step to things falling into place for me I believe. I have been miserable for so long at my last couple of jobs and here this one lands in my lap. I feel so lucky and hope to turn this into something amazing.
The new job will also be bringing back my education. I've been dying to go back to school and although I'll have to take a few math classes before I can completely enroll (insert major freak out here) that will be coming in the near future.
I'm also excersising. I actually really missed not going yesterday (due to death flu). Me!! Missed excersising!!!! Thats a 1st! I'm not noticing results as fast as I'd prefer, but when was I ever one for patience? I was also feeling more motivated to start walking again, and doing something active on the days I dont work out with the trainer - stupid flu knocked that back for a bit, but once that fucker clears out - I actually am finding myself almost wanting to be more active. I sure hope that sticks. Luckily my body is getting used to the beating now. I still get sore as hell, but I'm not curling up in a fetal position crying for my mother like before. I've also been hearing alot about this P90X thing. In fact just read a blog about it that a friend posted. I'm tempted....although an hour a day for 90 days straight....damn. But its a possibility. I know the sis-in-law wants to do it because someone told her she cant...that actually may be entertaining to hop on that train.
The debt is still looming. I did the money move to cover my car repairs and wanted to cry. For the 1st time in so long I was actually starting to see the debt go down. It was such an amazing feeling. Watching it go right back up was like a knife to the heart. Damn. That really did hurt. But - back to square 1. Well not totally square 1, but it was a doozy.
I'm really really scared for my Papa. He's declining so fast and its ripping me apart. Mom is taking care of them full time now which I think is so good. He wants to buy a bidet. I think thats amazing. I believe mom ordered one today.
I'm lonley. I'm not gonna lie. Its been so long since I've felt the warmth of a mans embrace. I'm scared I'm going to forget what its like. Forget how to feel safe in someone's arms. Forget how to love. I dont know. This is a hard one. So we'll move on...
Anywhoo - I dont know if I'm trying to fix too many things right now, I dont know if I'm on the right path, I do know I've got to get some creativity back in my game, I do know I really do want to stay on this path as overwhelming as it is...hell I want to keep piling on more. I guess thats not a bad thing - I've always been an extremist right?
I feel pretty good focusing a bit more on me. Now if I could just kick this godamn flu....