Here we go again...

I'm getting restless.
Part of it is because I'm sick. Ya, you get stuck at home, hacking up a lung and feeling like your head is full of cotton tends to grate your nerves. But I was getting restless before this damn flu settled into my body. I havent done a creative project in a very long time - this has to change. I'm sure thats part of it. Actually I'm sure thats a big part of it. I've been on this crazy kick of getting organized that I think I've let my creative needs fall by the way side. Of course life has its way of making some creative decisions a little difficult - New job, takin care of Papa, cutting back on funds, etc etc. Not that I'm complaining by any means - but I think I've forgotten how much I need creativity in my life.
I have a hefty set of goals I'm trying to accomplish at the moment, and I may be over doing it a bit. The smoking thing was obviously an epic fail - BUT - I havent gone back to smoking as much as I did. In fact, probably less then half of what I did before - which is good. I never did that before. Plus I've felt like a complete jackass and a failure - so that overwhelming guilt is helping. Being sick at the moment a cigarette is the last thing on my mind, so we're trying again. A friend of mine "cut back" smoking then got sick and quit. I'm figuring maybe that will get me over the little hump to actually officially become a non-smoker.
This new job is a big deal too. The job itself is not glamorous, but its such a great place to work. My boss is fantastic, my office mate is a kick and most of the people are pretty cool. I feel at home there. Its a trip. This is the 1st step to things falling into place for me I believe. I have been miserable for so long at my last couple of jobs and here this one lands in my lap. I feel so lucky and hope to turn this into something amazing.
The new job will also be bringing back my education. I've been dying to go back to school and although I'll have to take a few math classes before I can completely enroll (insert major freak out here) that will be coming in the near future.
I'm also excersising. I actually really missed not going yesterday (due to death flu). Me!! Missed excersising!!!! Thats a 1st! I'm not noticing results as fast as I'd prefer, but when was I ever one for patience? I was also feeling more motivated to start walking again, and doing something active on the days I dont work out with the trainer - stupid flu knocked that back for a bit, but once that fucker clears out - I actually am finding myself almost wanting to be more active. I sure hope that sticks. Luckily my body is getting used to the beating now. I still get sore as hell, but I'm not curling up in a fetal position crying for my mother like before. I've also been hearing alot about this P90X thing. In fact just read a blog about it that a friend posted. I'm tempted....although an hour a day for 90 days straight....damn. But its a possibility. I know the sis-in-law wants to do it because someone told her she cant...that actually may be entertaining to hop on that train.
The debt is still looming. I did the money move to cover my car repairs and wanted to cry. For the 1st time in so long I was actually starting to see the debt go down. It was such an amazing feeling. Watching it go right back up was like a knife to the heart. Damn. That really did hurt. But - back to square 1. Well not totally square 1, but it was a doozy.
I'm really really scared for my Papa. He's declining so fast and its ripping me apart. Mom is taking care of them full time now which I think is so good. He wants to buy a bidet. I think thats amazing. I believe mom ordered one today.
I'm lonley. I'm not gonna lie. Its been so long since I've felt the warmth of a mans embrace. I'm scared I'm going to forget what its like. Forget how to feel safe in someone's arms. Forget how to love. I dont know. This is a hard one. So we'll move on...
Anywhoo - I dont know if I'm trying to fix too many things right now, I dont know if I'm on the right path, I do know I've got to get some creativity back in my game, I do know I really do want to stay on this path as overwhelming as it is...hell I want to keep piling on more. I guess thats not a bad thing - I've always been an extremist right?
I feel pretty good focusing a bit more on me. Now if I could just kick this godamn flu....