Married 9 Years...

Today I would have been married 9 years.
Just writing that sentence sounds odd. 9 years. I would be planning something special for our 10 year anniversary next year. I cant help but wonder if the ex hadnt turned out to be a coke headed, lying piece of shit thief - how we would have ended up? Would I still be working here? Would he still be trying to make it as a singer? Maybe he would have made it with my connections and nudging? Maybe we'd have a kid. (eeck!) Maybe we would have bought a condo or traveled the world. Maybe, maybe maybe....
But no. That is not how it worked out in the Palkoner/McCoy union 9 years ago today. That is not how it worked out at all. Instead what was a beautiful amazing day turned out to be the begining of a long drawn out downhill spiral called our marriage. Instead the ex turned out to be an infederate liar. Instead the ex never held a job, and would lie about working until I saw past due bills come across my path. Instead the ex would get into cocaine and blow (no pun intended) some of our money that way. Instead the ex would completely ruin me financially and stick me with a debt soaring high over 20K that I'm still paying off today. So I guess he didnt leave me totally empty handed. He did leave me something to remember him by. Once a month. When I make that payment and cry and try to figure out how I'll make it to my next paycheck. Thru the grapevine I have heard that now he is engaged to a gal and they live in LA with a dog. That is all I know. That is all I care to know. I wish him the worst. I do not forgive and forget like people who have bigger hearts then me. I just dont. There's no love lost. The only thing I hope, is that he's changed and he wont destroy another woman's life like he did mine. He wont make her wary to date. Wary to trust. Wary to get invovled in anything with meaning. Struggling to make ends meet when before she was fine. She had a savings. She had dreams of buying a house someday. She loved to love. She enjoyed having a husband. She wanted it to work. So bad. So bad. I hope. For her sake.
But I will say this - 9 years ago today was one of the best weddings ever. 250+ were there. It overlooked San Clemente beach and pier. It was a perfect, clear, warm August day. Erin sang. Fatima sang. Daddy and I danced to "Little Miss Trouble" by T.O.P. Wine and beer was free flowing. The food was delish. My mother's decorations were beautiful fantasies. The flowers were bountiful. My girls looked fab in thier hawiann sundresses. I looked like a princess in my simple gown, floor length vail and white birkenstoks. It was perfect. I wont take that day back. That day will live in my memory forever.
Will I get married again? Doubt it. Will I be in a relationship again? I can now say yes. Someone is in my life now making me smile. I'm wary and scared but happy. I'm taking it day by day.
I'm not sad today. I honestly dont even really feel like I was ever really married. I just find it interesting. I seem to be working on getting to a good place in my life right now and this is good.
9 years ago today. One of the most beautiful days of my life leading into 5 of the worst years of my life.

Baseball Bitch

No I dont totally follow the teams. I actually dont really care to watch baseball on the TV. But I love the sport. I used to play. Softball actually, in high school. This sport tore my knee to shreads ruining my tennis scholarship and sports career forever. But I love it. I tried again 2 years ago to join a co-ed league - 1st practice shattered (not broke....shattered) my finger. Oh GAWD my accident prone life.....directors now wont let me play....but I love the sport. I'm a die-hard Cub fan. Yup - the cursed team. I dont care. Cubs are my team. Period. I love to watch baseball games live. Most sports actually, but baseball. Love it. So here's where the bitch begins.....

Last night we had Angels tickets. Got a hookup, sat in great club seats at Anaheim Stadium to watch the Angels play the Mariners. I'm not an Angels fan. I'm a Cubs fan. Amber's not an Angels fan she's a Dodgers fan. Susy's....well....Susy was just glad to get out. But Amber and I like to watch baseball. Period. But my heart broke last nite as I sat in this corporate nightmare.

Anaheim Stadium looks like a fucking mall. There is Panda Express, Carls Jr., CPK, etc etc etc - maybe about 15 different "Food Chains" there. There's a waterfall that ejaculates water spouts in between innings. Fireworks are shot into the sky if the Angels hit a homerun (Which of course made me jump a foot out of my seat because I was not expecting the 4th of July). Commercials -YES FUCKING COMMERCIALS - are played in between innings. (When a commercial for a spanish soap opera was played I wanted to kill myself), The stadium is spotless, there's Angel Whores that blast T-shirts at you from cannons, little constant sponsor games, you could order sushi for gods sake!!!!! This is not baseball. This is a corporate circus. Going to the baseball game has turned into basically the same thing as going to an amusement park.

I'm eternally grateful and blessed to have been able to attend a REAL baseball game a few weeks ago in Chicago. Yup - you all know it - Wrigley Field. This is baseball. REAL FUCKING BASEBALL. The Cub fans are nuts. They are in every moment of the game. EVERY MOMENT!!! I bet the Angels fans didnt even know what the fucking ball count was....

The Cub fans are true fans. Its as if they're part of the team. If there's a bad call - trash is thrown onto the field and they even have a little crew that picks it up. They had to hire a crew because this happens all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the coach is screaming at the umpire - so is the entire stadium. If the opposing team hits a homerun THEY THROW THE BALL BACK ON THE FIELD!!! There's vendors selling beer and hotdogs and peanuts. They're obnoxious and fun. Its an intimate field. The apartments in back have built bleachers on top of the buildings to watch the games!!!! The fans know all the players names, stats, probably favorite color. Whether your a Cub fan or not - you go crazy at one of these games. You cant help but get into the game, get excited, find yourself screaming obscenties at the other team. THIS IS BASEBALL. True - to the heart - fan crazy - BASEBALL!!!!!!

Anaheim Stadium is a fucking circus. Wrigley Field is baseball.

The worst part of this whole blog, is Wrigley will also be probably going corporate next year. They're one of the few standing stadiums left that hasnt, but they'll succumb. It rips me apart. Its taking away the true art form of sports. Is there going to be anything left for us or will Corporate America continue to crush our ideals all our childhood memories all of real life!!!!!

Nonsense

I'm so tired. I mean tired from inside out. Too much. So a brain purge is in order. Figured I'd do one of my random thought lists. Cuz I'm just too damn tired......

• Congrats to Erika and Steven. Thier wedding was yesterday. I was on set up crew. Arrived in LB at 8:30am with the lovely Miss Rose. Did our job. Wedding was lovely. Scooted off to Ritz to set up there. Reception was lovely. Ran home, changed, got the boy headed to Bistro. After party was lovely. Steven was teary. Erika looked beautiful. Her dads speech made me tear up. Love to both...but I'm tired....sooooooo tired......
• Emotional couple of days. Grandma and Papa are helping me with some loan payments. This makes me eternally grateful because now I can breathe and maybe even eat! Yet it makes me cry. I fucking hate that I cant get ahead. I hate it. The ex is such a bastard. But here's family who helps. Its such a bizzare feeling to be crying because I'm feeling angry, grateful, helpless, appreciative, loved, torn all at the same time. WTF.
• The boy is very nice to me. He's spoils me. I'm happy and terrified at the same time. Sushi and Ice cream Sat nite...my treat this time....so nice....I've never really been treated this way....whats the catch?
• Been seein T & Ber alot lately. I'm diggin that. Love those girls. Free concert comin up in fact....Wed is it? So tired.....
• I got to see mom this weekend. She's worse off financially then me. This makes me sad and cursing the economy. But she's happy. Thats good. We're gonna make it. We're just in a rough patch godammit.
• The girls are getting along. This makes me so happy and relieved.
• I have a handsfree thingie for my phone now. Its very bizzare to talk on the phone with this new contraption. I feel like a stage manager again....
• Vegas coming up. San Clemente coming up. PSA coming up. Wine getaway coming up. This is all faboo.
• I'm really really tired.
• Miss Rose made me laugh so hard this weekend. I seriously think we may share the same brain. She's the best date ever.
• Sushi sometime with Jess. Another lunchdate with my luva Alexander. This makes me happy too.....
• I'm glad the happys are more then the sads. Its hard. Its odd. What can I say - I'm a fucking pisces.
• I loved my bee response. Perfect laugh to start my sleepy sleepy day.
• Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Bees Knees...

I swear the most random shit happens to me.
So - I'm driving home from work today, happy its friday and the weekend is in sight. I have my drivers side window all the way open enjoying the summer air. I feel something hit my knee. I glance down. Its a bee. Yup. A bee. Little fucker I guess flew into my window and landed on my knee. This of course is while I'm driving. Instant reaction is to flick it off, which I do. This sends him to my door. Panic. I'm of course in the middle lane, so I stomp on the gas and pass the dude on my right and turn a bit dramatically into a residential street and pull over. The bee is now on my CD case thats in my door. He looks up at me as if to say "WTF!" I open the door and hop out, cig dangling from my lips. He's still looking at me as if to say "Now whatcha gonna do pussy?" I'm not about to be out done by this bee. I grab the CD case and slam it against the bed of my truck. He falls off somewhere. I leap back into my truck and slam the door and peel out of the spot I stopped in. Thank you universe for not letting him sting me!!!!! Lets just say I had the HeeBEE GeeBEE's the whole rest of the drive home.
Oi vey.

Rambly Youth...

Falling. Falling. Falling. I try to grab onto something. Something solid, its cold, getting colder. I fall for so long, I start to drift in and out of madness. A strange sense of peace falls over me. I'll land. I'll land on my feet like a kitty. I smile. I reach out. My hand grabs what feels like a fine, covered in leaves and thorns. It then swings me around and I land square on my feet facing a forest. My hands are bleeding. I stare at them for a moment, the bright red lines forming an intricate bracelet around my arms. Theres no pain. I feel the wind, hear the soft whooshing as it sneaks thru the trees. It gets louder, yet feels softer. I start to walk thru the forest. I realize I'm barefoot and I can feel the soft cold mossy grass beneath my toes. The wind is flirtatiously playing with my hair. I smile. The light peeks thru the trees and I feel its warmth, then its gone. Darkness rolls in so fast. The wind grows wilder. Hands still bleeding. I touch my face to see if its real. A mirror appears and I see myself. Bloody hands, dirty feet in a soft green dress, hair wild and free, blood on my face from where I touched making me look as if I cried crimsom tears. I tilt my head to the left. "I look like a deranged Alice in Wonderland", I think to myself. I hear laughter - I turn from the mirror and see a girl running towards me. Its me. Its me when I was 3 or 4, strawberry blonde ringlets and fat cheeks. She stops in front of me. We stare at each other. She holds out her hands, they too are sparkling red. I take her hands in mind. Our blood as one. She laughs and we start to dance in a circle holding hands. The wind around us picks up and swirls. It swirls and swirls, lifting us both into the night sky. She's laughing. We start to spin so fast, the stars become lines of firey light. There's a snap/pop and there I am, standing in front of the hole I fell into staring up at the star that we just became. It winks at me. I smile. I'll always have my youth. Forever.

The Dark Knight

Amber and I went and saw The Dark Knight yesterday. Looooooooooooved it. Now, I'm not a comic book expert by any means - in fact - I dont read them at all. But I do dig the comic book movies. Well, some of them. I have always been a fan of the Batman movies.

Dark Knight was fantastic. It was dark, scary, suspenseful, funny, action packed, etc. I'm gonna put a warning here ***SPOLIERS***

I dont know if I'll "spoil" or not, but just in case. First of all - Batman's gadgets. I want them. They are so fucking fun!!! After watching yesterday's flick, I've decided not only do I want his batmobile - I want the motorcycle thing that pops out of the batmobile when it gets smooshed. Its so much fun!!!! Morgan Freeman plays such a loyal & honest character as the maker of all these nifty things.

The acting in this is brilliant. Starting with Heath Ledger. Alot of hype has been surrounding his performance, especially due to his untimley, tragic death. There's oscar buzz and everything. He does live up to it I must say. His portrayel of The Joker is fucking nuts. Jack Nicholson's performance was more goofy & comical (Which was fantastic as well), but Heath's is much more menancing, psychotic, and pretty much insane. His physicalities are great. I love the constant licking of his lips as if he's some kind of janked up snake. He's scary. He has no remorse. He was brilliant. Now - as much hype is surrounding Heath - you CANNOT discount the other performances. Aaron Eckert does a brilliant job as well. Harvey Dent (Two-face) is a true soul. Honest, trustworthy - they call him the White Knight. You love his character. He's likeable and brave. When trajedy strikes and he becomes Two-face the switch in his character is fantastic. He becomes this vengeful creature, torn apart by grief. Plus - major props to the make up people!!!! When you first see the burned side of his face its shocking!!!! Gary Oldman is also amazing. First of all I loooooooooove to see him playing the "good guy". Oldman is one of my favorite actors of all times anyway, so I'm a little bias. But he's so great in this. He's honest, stalwart, trustworthy, a true hero. His range of emotion in this role is beautiful. His style is so sublte and it works brilliantly well. Michael Caine and Christian Bale are, as before, lovely as Batman and Alfred. They work together fantastically. Maggie Guylenhall plays Rachel. MUCH BETTER then Katie Holmes.

What I also loved about this movie was the suspense. The scene when the 2 boats each have bombs on board and they have to decide who blows who up is phenominal. Its very rare that I'm holding my breath in a movie. Dark Knight does a fantastic job of not making you feel safe. Characters die you dont expect. Trajedy strikes mercilessly. The Joker is fucking crazy and he proves it, so anything can happen! I love that. I love that a movie can make me feel suspenseful like that! The action of course is way fun. Lots of explosions and fantastic fights and fun.

All in all the movie was great. It lived up to all its hype! I highly recommend checking this one out!!