Grief in comedy...

Last night I had the pleasure of attending Patton Oswalt at the Irvine Improv.

I adore Patton and have never had the chance to see him live.  As excited as I was to see him, I was also curious how it was going to go.  As you may or may not know - Patton lost his wife.  She passed suddenly in her sleep at just 46 only this past April.  I was actually surprised to see Patton back at his razor sharp comedy so soon.

What I witnessed last night was one of the most raw, heart wrenching, and human performances I have ever seen.  And also - hilarious.

The 1st part was pretty light, but it wasn't long before he addressed "The elephant in the room" which is the recent passing of his wife.  He talked about how grief makes depression look like kitten play.  In fact, he wrote a beautiful message on Facebook awhile back about grief that you can find here.  He went on to share a downright fucking heartbreaking moment yet it was probably the time I laughed the hardest during his segment.  He spoke of Mother's Day and how hard he worked to make sure the week ahead was filled with a fun distracting vacation for he and his young daughter.  When they flew home on the actual day, a Polish Flight Attendant stopped them and went on to say how hard it must be for them today, and she was so sad for them, and she knew how they felt and how it doesn't get easier and Oh my God the way he was describing ripped my heart out yet, I was laughing uncontrollably as was the entire crowd.  He continued to talk of how he had nightmares of her showing up on every upcoming 1st holiday without mom.  I honestly don't think I've ever laughed that way.  A laughter that had a mix of laughing and actual emotionally sad crying tears.  The rest of his segment continued that way, but that was the peak and that's what sparked this blog.

You can have a peek here from a recent video of him on Conan:
Conan Video


1st off I'd like to say how fucking amazing I think Patton is for doing this.  For moving forward in a way he knows how - through comedy.  This takes bravery and sass and talent.  He gets my utmost repsect for that.

This is also the 1st time in a really long time that I felt I related to someone.  I find solace in laughter.  Comfort in comedy.  But there's always that fear of "Am I heartless because I'm finding the comedy?"  "Shouldn't I be crying all the fucking time?"  "What is the 'right' way to act when you're grieving?"  You know what the answer is - Do what you do best.  And that's exactly what Patton did.  I felt honored to witness it.

I have ups and downs in my life.  I have always tried to write about my grievances with an air of humor.  I feel I've gotten better at that as the years have gone on.  When I've gone back and read old blogs, I thought I was being funny and I was in a way, but they came off more negative.  I feel that now I've gotten a better handle on it because I'm just straight up and real.  (Plus pictures and memes help).  I've been trying to keep my chin up with my awful roller coaster of online dating with some funny blogs that people may or may not relate to but will at least get a laugh.

But there's some tricky ones.  My hemorrhage for one.  I joke about it.  I laugh about it.  I can write with an air of humor about it.  In fact when I wrote the blow by blow blog, when in recovery, I was still trying to be funny.  It takes me a long time to process things, and I am not ok with what happened to me.  There - I wrote it out loud.  I'm also not ok with the passing of my grandparents.  (If one more person tells me "Oh they were 98 they lived a good life" or "At least you had all that time with them" - You can kiss my fucking ass. You're not helping.)  People don't seem to understand that my teeny tiny little family is super close.  My grandparents were as close to me as my parents and yes - I'm damn lucky to have had that relationship, but their deaths have ripped a hole in my heart that will never heal.  I joked about how my gramma was a bit of a dick - but I didn't love her any less.  My Papa was my superman.  Now they're gone and I don't know how to deal with it.  I get over emotional all the time about them and about my dance with death in 2012.  Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that my chest tightens and I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my entire life.  Didn't know that did ya?  That's because I haven't told anyone.  I don't know how.  But I'll tell you this - Patton's performance last night inspired to me try.  To try and tell my story and keep that humorous vibe that is my life.

Do what you do best my friends.  No matter what they may be. 

And also this: