Goodbye Gramma...

Growing up my gramma was very prim and proper.  She was always made up no matter what.  So many different creams and things that filled her bathroom sinks.  She had little trinkets everywhere.  She always hand wrote little notes, thank you cards, long letters to friends.  She camped with friends and family for years.  Her and Papa and friends traveled the US and she kept little travel journals.  She loved to take pictures and in the old days one of our favorite funny memories was whenever ever she would take a picture she would forget to "cock" it.  When we moved to digital and cellphones I'd print out pictures for her and she'd carry them everywhere.  My gramma used to make the best homemade ice cream sandwiches with homemade chocolate chip cookies.  She also made the best Snickerdoodles.  She fell in love with Celtic Thunder recently.  She'd watch and re-watch the DVD's.  Gramma loved to read.  She read all the damn time!  After Papa passed and she moved in with mom, we would have our weekly lunches and trips to the cemetery.  My gramma always had a big appetite.  Before her hearing went, we would chat for hours about our days.  My gramma was a princess who was spoiled by all the men in her life.  From her brother, to her father to finally my Papa.  Although we had our bouts, I loved my gramma very much.

The last moment I feel I had with my Grandma was Tuesday night, July 19th. When I walked in mom warned me she doesn't know anyone.  Her mind is just completely gone.  She's rambling sentences and words that make no sense.  Rosie (our longest caregiver) said she asked her this morning if she knew her.  Grandma said "You're Barry".  Rosie said and who are you?  "Barry".  Gone.  I walked in and sat on her bed.  Her eyes rolled around but she didn't really look at me.  Mom and Rosie left me alone to talk to her.  I didn't want to.  I didn't know what to say.  What to do.  They left and I turned and looked down at my grandma who was now looking at me.  I smiled and waved at her through tears.  She seemed to see me.  "Do you know who I am?" I shouted.  (Her hearing is also basically gone).  She started to try to struggle to talk.  "I love you!" I shouted.  "I know who you are!" she said, rather determined.  I smiled through tears.  "You're so special to me." she said.  "You're so special to me.".  Then she kept repeating that.  Over and over again about 20 times.  I just smiled and stroked her cheek.  "I'm so mixed up" she said.  My heart broke.  She then drifted off again to what I thought may be sleep.  I wandered out to Rosie and mom and told them what she said.  They both were thrilled she recognized me.  "You're so special to her!" Rosie said.  We all went back in the room with her and sat awhile.  Gramma was in and out.  Then she seemed to be with us again.  "I know who everyone is!" she said.  She told Rosie she loved her but couldn't say her name.  Mom came over and asked if she knew who she was.  "Your my mother!" Grandma said to her.  She started to repeat that.  Mom turned and laughed saying "She doesn't know me!"  I said, well you've been like her mother these last couple of years, taking care of her.  Or maybe she is trying to say daughter and just has the words mixed up.  She looked over at me.  Rosie asked her if she knew me.  "She's my granddaughter!  My baby!"  she said.  She knew me.  She always knew me.  Papa always knew me.  I've always been very close to my grandparents and these last few years when we lost Papa, and now I'm about to lose grandma, well...let's just say I've been dreading this.  Our little tiny family is getting smaller.  Grandma drifted off back to sleep.  I kissed her on the forehead and mom and I slipped out.  That was the last time.  After that her mind has been completely gone.  Nonsensical chatter.

Friday July 22nd I got a phone call saying the hospice nurse said it's going to be that night or the next day.  I immediately left work (around noon) even though my mom was protesting.  When I arrived, Pauline was sitting with gramma who was unconscious and breathing rather weirdly.  Mom was out on an errand.  I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her then sat with Pauline in the room until mom came home.  Mom and I sat in the living room for a bit, but I felt we should be in the room.  She was breathing a little better - more like she was on a breathing machine.  Very rhythmic.  Much less wet like before.  I thought even if she's sleeping, or drifting in between worlds as the doctor said, if she ever drifted back for just one second, she would know we're there.  The 3 of us were in there only a couple of hours-ish.  Mom and I were just looking at The new Walking Dead Trailer on my phone when she stopped breathing it seemed.  The 3 of us encircled her.  "This is it." Mom said, tears filling her eyes.  Mom stood on one side of her stroking her hair.  Pauline tended to her mouth as she started to pass telling her softly "Go Bettie, just go.  It's ok.  Go."  I just stood over her watching, tears running down my face.  There was a slight wince of pain and we watched her leave this plain.  Pauline and mom kept checking her pulse but that was it.  She was gone.  So fast.  Just like that.  98 years of life on this earth whispered away with a last breath.  Mom started running around the house opening windows, a ceremony she believed that you're letting the soul go.  I just stood and watched her.  I touched her cheek.  I kissed her forehead and whispered goodbye and told her I loved her.

Our family is super close.  Mom, me, Shane and Grandma and Papa.  This was our little family on moms side.  Just us.  Grandma and Papa helped take care of Shane and I when mom and dad would be working.  They were at almost all of our events growing up from sports to theatre (the less hard core ones of course) to girl scout awards and on and on.  Gramma even loved to read my blogs.  I'd print them out for her since she had no computer.

Now they're both gone and there's a hole in my heart that will never heal. 


It was so hard to watch them both go through a difficult last few years of their life but oh what lives they had!  I will miss them both so very much.

I love you gramma!