Time...

Time is valuable.  Hell time is precious. 

The way I look at life now has completely changed and one of the few things that upsets me now is if you waste my time. 

Some people have told me I do too much.  I pack my social calendar.  I’m always going.  This is and isn’t true.  Yes, I do pack a bunch of stuff into my life, but do I ever regret it?  Nope.  Do I still make time to relax and not do a damn thing sometimes?  Yes I do!  Some don’t believe that, but I do.  I will make time to just veg.  To nap.  Sometimes to just zone out to a silly TV show.  Really I do! 

When I was in recovery, my dad was grasping for any sort of anything that may have caused my hemorrhage.  Many of us were.  It’s hard to accept something is “just a fluke”.  On one of his many visits he said “You know, you always do so much.  Maybe you should slow down.  Maybe that's why this happened?”  I smiled and said “No.  Dad, if I hadn’t had survived, I wouldn’t have one single regret of all that I’ve crammed into my 36 years (now 39) on this earth.  Think about it.”  He nodded understanding my point but still wanting me to slow down at least a little. 

I used to think working in my weirdly specialized job was such a waste of time.  I’m never going to make a lot of money.  I’m never going to move up.  I came here to Chapman and I see fellow employees killing themselves getting their masters (now some people love school so not knocking those folks!).  Moving up.  Leaving here to get bigger and better jobs.  I used to feel like a failure.  I tried to go back to school here and failed so hard at the math courses it caused me to be sick.  Then it hit me – this isn’t important to me!  These people that are moving on and up and killing themselves will live their whole life like that.  I see some people at work that work 14-15 hour days and have a family.  They are strung out, overworked, unhappy.  I will never be that.  And I’m glad.  This job I’m in allows me to have the time to fill my calendar with workouts, time with friends, meditation, time to blog/write and not feel like I’m going to explode!  I don’t mind the M-Fri 8-5 hours.  I don’t mind that I’ll never make a whole bunch of money.  I don’t mind that I won’t be running a staff of 100.  I don’t mind that I don’t have a master’s degree in something.  I have a very understanding boss who trusts me to get my work done so I get more leeway on when I leave or take time off.  My job is only mild on the stress level.  I may not make a ton, but I’m able to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head.  It’s fine.  It’s nothing special.  And that’s ok!

I’m currently in a show that’s scaring the crap out of me.  It is bringing a level of stress I haven’t had in a while.  But I’m also loving every second of it because this is something I love.  I’ll never do back to back to back shows like I used to years ago, just to do something.  I will pick and choose a show I feel passionate about and throwing myself and my energy into a project will not be wasted time.   We’re about to roll into “Hell Week” which is going to be brutal, but it’s only a week and it will be worth every second when that show goes up.  I can’t explain it but when a group of passionate artists are thrown together to put up a project like this, we become a family.  Maybe a slightly dysfunctional family but still a family.  We all share the same fear, and anxiety, and excitement, and passion to put on a show that’s a brand new experience for all involved.  I’m exhausted, scared, anxious, frustrated and yes – loving every second.

Once the show is up, my calendar will fill back up with social engagements, work outs and adventures.  I live in the moment more.  I worry about the future less.  I dwell on the past almost never.  I know I will continue to do so and get even better at living in the moment.   Those moments I share with family and friends are precious to me.  Those moments I spend on bettering myself physically, spiritually and emotionally are precious to me. 

This can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.  My friend Rose wrote a lovely blog that sort of kicked me into gear writing this one.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately.   If you want some inspirational journeys.  Check them out Eternal Recess. 

It’s a hard fact.  We don’t have forever.  None of us do.  And you don’t know when your time is up.  2 people this week had lives cut short.  Suddenly.  Both had families and children.  One of them was a sibling to a dear friend of mine and when he told me she went to bed with a headache and never woke up I crumbled.  My survivor’s guilt rose back up again.  Why did I survive and she didn’t?  She has children.  She took care of her mother.  I cried for her.  I cried for my friend who lost a sister he adored.  Then I find out another friend of my brothers passed suddenly.  I had met him a few times.  Wonderful guy.  He had children.  They’ve lost a father and they’re so young!  Then there's my Papa.  I'm still dealing with that.  I would give anything to hug him one more time.  Losing him was like losing a limb.  I dream about him sometimes and I'll wake up sobbing because it felt so real.  I felt his burly arms around me, squeezing me.  I heard his chuckle and saw that twinkle in his eye.  I miss him every day.  But the hard fact is – that’s life.  We don’t get to choose who stays and who goes.  All we can do is live the one we have the best way we know how. 

I’m glad I work in a low stress job that pays crap.  I’m glad I can throw myself into a project that I’m excited about.  I’m glad I have a packed social calendar.  I’m glad I make time for my family.  My gramma thanks me all the time for taking the time out to take her to the cemetery once a week but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  It's our time together.  It's special.  I’m glad I’ve become more emotional.  Hell it’s helping my acting!  But I also couldn’t imagine not being filled with compassion every day.  It may be painful but that makes you alive.  Feelings.  Emotions.  That’s living.  It’s ok to have ups and downs.  It makes us human.

I’m grateful for every second of every day.  Breathe it in my friends.  I know you're always told to hug your loved ones tighter.  Cherish moments.  Etc. Etc.  But godammit do it!  Don’t ever take life for granted.  I promise you – you won’t regret it.