Are you flirting with me...?

It's official.
I'm so bad at flirting I can't tell if a man is flirting with me, just being polite or just doing his job.  I can't tell!!!  Seriously...no idea.

So today I went to Home Depot to buy an array of crap.  I never ever go, I had a surprise day off so I figured I'll go get all the stuff I keep saying I need to get.  Pots for my next craft night, a shelf, stain, etc.  Random.  I don't go to Home Depot alone very often and I look like a lost puppy wandering around staring up a the signs saying what is down which aisle.

So, I also have to get glue.  I'm staring at the entire wall of glue when a nice looking Home Depot dude strolls by.  I smile and say "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?"
He smiles and strolls slowly over.  "Of course"
"Do you know which of these glue would be best to glue these Terra Cotta pots?"
He wanders over to the wall "Let's see" and starts looking at the different kinds.  "Why are you gluing Terra Cotta pots?"
"My mom is making a bird feeder with them" I proceed to show him.  I don't know why I didn't say I was.  I'm making these stupid bird feeders.  He smiled and seemed to think it was an interesting idea.  Or was that sarcasm?
Then he asks me if it's hot outside.  I say yes and wipe my forehead.  "It just got hot, it wasn't earlier."
Then we start talking about we both wish we were dressed for summer.  ???
"I think your good with the Gorilla Glue" which I was holding.
"Ok thanks!"
"Can I help you with anything else?" he smiles again.
"Actually yes, where can I find stain?"
He tells me to follow him and I do.  We go a few aisles over and he waves his arm where the stain wall is.
I think he's going to leave after I say thank you.  He doesn't.
"What are you going to stain?"
I start the usual Jami ramble telling him I have an old beat up hope chest I'd like to stain.  Maybe a dark stain.  On and on I go about this damn chest.
He smiles.
"How big is it?"
I try to show him with my hands.
So then I'm looking at the stains and he's not leaving.  I start to feel really awkward because we're both just looking at the stains.  Then someone else asks his help and he's off.
Fine right?

Not quite.
So I'm off wandering aimlessly through the store again.  (Do you guys know how damn big Home Depot is!?)   I call Shane and ask him what kind of hangy things to get for the soon to be bird feeders and he tells me Oooks.  I think he sneezed.  "No Oooks is a brand!  Just ask a person who works there, they'll know."  I hang up and start to wander.
I find a few things and after about 20 minutes I'm slowly walking and staring up at the signs.  I hear a voice but don't think it's directed at me.
"What are you looking for?!" I hear a bit louder.
I look down and straight and there he is.
"Oh hi!" I smile.  I tell him I'm looking for Oooks Hangers.  He looks at me like I'm insane.  I smile again.  "My brother told me I need to get Oooks Hangers".  He's still looking at me weird.
"I'm not sure what that is" he says.
"It's ok I ramble "Actually I have another question - do you guys just sell wood or can I find an actual shelf?  Like do I need to build a shelf?"
He smiles again.  "Follow me"
We walk to the other end of the store it seems and he starts small talk.
"So are you off work today?"
"I am!"
"Are you always off on Fridays?"
"Oh no, we just got today off because Chapman is on Spring Break"
"What do you do at Chapman?"
"I process all the donations, I'm the gift recorder"
He then starts to tell me about how he used to play on the campus before it was a University.  I tell him I grew up here and he asks what schools I went to growing up.  He tells me he moved to Hawaii for a while and then to North Carolina then back here.  We arrive at the shelves.
"Perfect!" I say, again thinking he'll leave.
Nope, he stands there and watches me scan the shelf selection.
I tell him he should have stayed in Hawaii because it's so nice, he tells me it's expensive and you can't get a job and we chat a bit more.
I grab a shelf because I start to feel awkward and he asks if there's anything else.
"Well, I want to get a curtain rod or round piece of wood."
"What for?"
"My medals." I stated plainly.
He smiles and says "Medals? Wow! for what?"
"Obstacle course races" I answer.  I now realize I just totally made for interesting convo. Score a point for me!
So he starts to lead me to my next purchase.
As we're walking he turns and extends his hand "I'm Ray by the way"
"Jami" I smile taking his hand.
As I follow him I'm not wondering...is he flirting?  He could be my age if he was playing at Chapman when it was just a college.  No he's not flirting, he's doing his job.  But he has such a nice smile!  That's why he got hired.  He could totally have a girlfriend.  I can't see his ring finger (Which I never did BTW!).  Why am I even thinking he's flirting.  But I haven't talked to a cute boy I don't know for this long in a long long time!
Yes ladies and gents...my head started spinning.
We get to the poles (Seriously.....wood?? poles???) and I pick one out.
We look at the shelf package together and I tell him what I think I'm going to do.  He says that should work.
"Well that's it!" I say realizing I actually have gathered all that I need at this point.  Shane can come back for this Ooook business.
"Ok he says, have a good rest of your day off!" and smiles.  I really like his smile.
"Ok bye! Have a nice day!"

And that was it.

As I'm walking up to the cashier I couldn't help but wonder...was he flirting or just doing his job?  Holy shit I can't tell.  I really can't tell.  I didn't want to look to see if he was married because last time I did that the guy saw me.  Awkward.  Should I have asked for his number?  But he didn't ask for mine so he probably wasn't flirting.  Do people ask for numbers still?  Why am I asking all these questions in my head!?

Lord am I out of practice!  I mean really out of practice!  This girl is clueless.  Ah well.  I found it amusing and thought I would share.  I really wish I was good at this flirting thing.  I'm sure I could have turned it on or something, or been witty, or played with my hair, or batted my eyelashes or whatever the hell you're supposed to do but we all know I'll never do that.  Ha! 

The Universe gave me bananas...

I’m totally serious.

This is not a metaphor.

So here’s the story.  I know it’s random but I of course want to share.

Last weekend I actually had time to go to the Farmers Market where I got my fruit and veggies for the week.  As I’m sure you’re aware, most Farmer’s Markets don’t see bananas.  Later on that afternoon I went to the grocery store to get some other stuff and as I wandered by the produce/veggie section thought to myself “I got my goods at the market so I don’t need to go here”.  Not until Monday morning when I went to make my morning smoothie that I make every morning for breakfast did I realize I forgot to get bananas. 

I hate when I forget bananas.  You see bananas are the base of the smoothie!  Sigh.  I also hate when I forget something to purchase.  I am one of those people that HATES errands.  I like to go, get my stuff and be done.  If I have to go back out later because I forgot something I either don’t or I procrastinate or I whine endlessly to myself.  It’s a weird quirk I can’t explain it.  So as you can imagine this sucked.  So until Wednesday I just made my smoothies with no bananas (which are just not the same) and kept thinking I would swing by the store and grab some.  Come Wednesday afternoon, I found myself with nothing to do for my lunch that I quickly inhaled and decided to walk the Orange Circle.  I was excited at the thought of picking up a few cards for people and maybe getting bananas! 

The place I thought of – Watsons Drugstore was closed due to plumbing issues.  Damn.  I wanted to whole friggin Circle and there is nowhere to buy bananas.  There’s a little organic/vegan store called Bite Market that I thought would be a winner.  No.  Back to the office I went.  Dejected.

We have a corner of a counter in our workroom where people put stuff they don’t want.  It’s kind of like a free corner.  It’s not often there is stuff there except usually around the holidays when people are unloading candy and what not, or some people with food gardens bring in extra stuff, when an office gets cleaned out, etc. 

I was getting ready to leave for the day and swung by the mailroom to drop off a few letters and low and behold – BANANAS!  Three of them!  On the free corner!!!!  There has never been bananas there in the almost 4 years I’ve been working here.  I picked them up and turned around with a huge smile on my face that of course no one was around to see.  I squealed with delight and took the three free bananas.  I couldn’t believe it.  Bam – the universe gave me bananas.

I know this blog is silly.  But folks - it was so rad.  I didn't pray for bananas.  I didn't use the Laws of Attraction or whatever the hell that book thing is.  It just happened.  And that's all.  And that's rad.

It's ok to feel the feelings...

I have found a fault in positivity.

Don’t worry readers, I’m still a very happy positive person.  I am happy in life.  I am grateful every day. 

BUT!

I realized it’s hard sometimes.  Yes, this is totally ok.  And I think one of the reasons I’m a happy person is that I realize that you can’t be happy and peppy every damn second.  But let me tell you something – when you are generally a happy positive person, the one day you happen to be in a funk, EVERYONE notices. 

This has happened to me now a few times.  There is absolutely nothing that has set me off, no one pissed me off, nothing bad happened, I’m just in a funk.  It happens.  It’s life.  I mean if you were happy peppy poppy all the time you would collapse from exhaustion!  I didn’t think too much of it at first, but now that there has been a couple of days  (Yes just a couple people, in like 365 days of the year there may be a handful…just a handful…I’m not on the up and up that my funk has been a little strong.  For instance, I’m quieter.  Not making jokes all the time or trying to keep all those moody assholes around me cheerful.  What happens you ask? EVERYFUCKINGBODY asks me what’s wrong?  Are you ok?  I answer – yes I’m fine with a smile.  Or when that doesn’t seem to suffice I say Oh I’m just a little tired, or allergies, or some non tragic excuse.  But these people keep at it.  Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?  Are you sure everything is ok?  Do you want to talk about something?  Back the fuck up people!  I mean come on!  I made sort of a joke about it once when one particular person would not let up and I shouted “Can I not have a bad day?!”  She laughed and said “No you can’t!”  She was kidding but she was the one who asked me if I was Ok like 100 times that day.  The gal that was with her looked as us kind of funny to which I explained “Apparently if I have an off day or I’m not on 100% I’m suicidal!”  We all laughed it off, but it’s happened a few more times and it’s really bad today.  So – I’m writing about it.

I’m also writing about it because I appreciate honesty in life and maybe someday someone can read this and think “YES!  I’m not alone in these feelings!”  I have found myself doing that when someone writes something straight up honest and raw.  I’ve received compliments that my writing is that way and I’m glad.  Sometimes I worry if I write something too much of a “downer” that’s not good, but it is!  It’s ok to write this shit out and be down sometimes as long as you don’t live there.  Let’s touch on that shall we?

I never accepted the fact that I was a negative person.  But I was.  This has been something really hard for me to admit because I didn’t think I was as negative as some around me.  And trust me – I wasn’t.  But I still lived there.  I didn’t know it at the time but when I moved out of negative town I realized it.  Yes I’m sarcastic.  Yes I’m snarky.  Yes I swear like a sailor.  Yes I’m independent and strong and opinionated and a control freak and loud at times but I am not negative anymore.  I guess I always though positive happy people were sweet and compassionate all the time.  They’re not.  Because I am very sweet and compassionate to a fault – but with an edge.  That doesn’t make me any less positive/happy than the bitch dancing down the road throwing flowers on people and singing.  It’s been quite the revelation and I love it.  I never thought I would see the day that when someone asked me “Are you happy?” and I answered.  Yes!  It has also been a lot of work accepting that I didn’t used to be and that it’s ok to still not be happy/positive 100% of the time.  And that’s ok too.

So here it is.  A bitch blog because I can.  I’m happy with my life but today I am not.  Today I am annoyed.  There so much fucking negativity surrounding me right now I have to fight tooth and nail to keep away from it.  It’s not something I can get out of, but it’s something I just have to put my head down and wait for the storm to pass.  But it’s not easy.  I’ve thrown the towel in with some people.  They love being miserable and that’s fine.  I just stay away from them now.  I’m also really really lonely.  This is my most common complaint.  Those of you who have stayed with me on this journey know that.  You’re also probably sick of hearing me talk about it.  Well, stop reading then.  This too will pass.  I’m still trying to build up the courage to do online dating because I’ve come to the realization that that is probably the only chance I have left. DON’T TELL ME TO STOP LOOKING AND HE’LL COME!  That’s bullshit too.  There’s this video that went around Facebook the past couple of days.  First Kiss.  I want to love it.  I want to see the beauty in it.  I do to a point but it has come at a time when Jami is grumpy and lonely and what this video did for me is break my heart.  I mean it’s cute, it really is.  The natural reaction and awkwardness that these people go through is genuinely adorable.   But – again – I think this hurt so bad because I’m not sad often – but I felt it hurt.  I watched the video and I actually felt my heart hurt.  It’s like somebody squeezed it too hard to be mean.  Tears rolled down my face and I felt that awful pain called loneliness.  It was horrible.  I’m on the longest I’ve ever been in my entire life of having no one in my life.   I didn’t realize that not only did theatre fill my need for creativity but it filled my need for human contact.  We were an incestuous bunch and loved each other and there was always hugging and loving and kisses and joy.  I’ve been out of that regularly now for about 6 years.  I dated one or two boys in there but that’s it.  Now I have come upon my longest dry spell ever and I didn’t realize how much it hurt until watching that damn video.  Of course I’ve missed it and of course I’ve been trying to do all the things you are supposed to (except online date) to meet men.  But it didn’t actually hurt until today.  It was not a good feeling and has now put me in a funk I’m sure for the rest of the day.

I figured I would write this all out today and post it because I want to be brave and share my vulnerability with you.  I’m lonely.  It’s a fact.  And it fucking hurts.  I won’t live here.  This will pass, but it was sure a blow.  It’s ok to feel down sometimes.  Just don’t live there.  I’ll never move back.  I prefer happy town thank you very much!

So those of you who interact with me - I may be grumpy once in a while.  I can’t turn it on every second of every day!  I know I’m entertaining as all hell, and you come to me to cheer you up and inspire you and please continue to do so, but there will be a day or two where you might need to cheer me up.

Another wedding...another craft...

Let's start with the craft.

Mom, D, Keri and I got together and made Rag Wreaths for St. Paddy's Day! I only photographed Me, mom's and D's because Keri scooted out too quickly.
Mom and I stuck with the Rag Wreath and D actually chose one with some burlap and felt flower thingies which also came out really cute!

We got foam wreaths the used ribbon, felt and material.  We also got a few fun little items to stick on as well.  All you do is cut the stuff and tie them tightly onto your wreath.  It's easy but very time consuming.  You want to tie them as close together as you can.  So make sure you do it on a day you are in a patient mood. 

I plan on making more of these in the future!

Mom of course also had an adorable spread!

I also attempted to do a canvas painting for T for her birthday.  I had seen a butterfly version.  It's sort of abstract.  T loves ladybugs so I attempted to make her this.  I didn't like it at 1st, but it grew on me.  It also looks much better in person and T really loved it!

Next up was another wedding!!

This was the wedding of another set of dear friends of mine who can now legally get married!  Alexander and Chris.  Such a beautiful night!

It did not start out well though.  Last weekend we had a nasty storm.  Yes - we had a storm!  Can you believe it!  Anywhoo, Sat March 1st was the big day and the wedding was to start at 6:30.  I left at 4pm thinking that would be plenty of time given the possible rain delays.  It was up in LA.  As I'm sailing along on the 5 freeway, a squall slammed into us.  It was pretty scary.  Lighting, lots of rain and all of us on the freeway driving about 20 miles an hour.  I almost pulled over.  When it did finally let up the 5 came to a complete halt.  I started to freak out a bit because we actually were not moving.  I text T, explaining my situation thinking she was up in LA already.  You see, she was marrying the boys.  Well - she text me back and was stuck in the same mess!  About 20 minutes behind me.  I actually relaxed a little thinking it won't start without her, but this was getting bad.  We crawled about half a mile in an hour.  Supposedly the left 3 lanes were shut down due to flooding.  Ok I thought - we'll eventually get through.  So, I see the lights and the workers and then all of a sudden they are directing us off the freeway going the total wrong way.  The 5 was shut down completely and the street we got off at was as well!  I have never been in a more heartbreaking situation traffic wise!  I had just gone about a mile in almost 2 hours and now I as going back the way I was just sitting in!!!  I panicked and called my brother telling him where I was and if he could get me where I needed to go via alternate routes.  I was worried because I don't know my way around up there at all!  He luckily got me on a direction I needed to go and as I started to actually begin making headway I hear from a very distraught T.  I gave her the same directions Shane gave me and crossed my fingers.  With the exception of one scary move over a divider (I'll leave it at that) I arrived almost an hour late.  I ran into the venue telling the folks that the officiant was about 10 minutes behind me.  Good lord.

Some friends pointed me in the direction of the bar, I got a wine, caught my breath and looked around.  WOW!  It was a stunning location.  It was in a seedy area yes, but this studio was awesome.  The boys got married in a small adjoining room under some fabric and lights and we all stood in a semi circle around them.  The ceremony was short and sweet and we were herded back into the big studio.  They had 2 long tables set up and the décor was very rustic.  Low lights, yummy snacks and good wine.  The dinner was a mix of Persian and Italian and was amazing!!!  Lots of toasts were had then it was pretty much just eating and milling about.  It was so lovely!  Below are some shots:



The ceremony!

 Saw so many people I love!

Awesome garden!  I wish it wasn't wet out there so we could have sat outside!

Table 5

 Toasts!

 The cool sign that Brenda and I played in front of:

Me and the grooms!!

 And finally, this is what I made the boys for a gift.  I'm really enjoying doing handmade gifts lately!

Congrats boys!  Love you so!!