It's ok to feel the feelings...

I have found a fault in positivity.

Don’t worry readers, I’m still a very happy positive person.  I am happy in life.  I am grateful every day. 

BUT!

I realized it’s hard sometimes.  Yes, this is totally ok.  And I think one of the reasons I’m a happy person is that I realize that you can’t be happy and peppy every damn second.  But let me tell you something – when you are generally a happy positive person, the one day you happen to be in a funk, EVERYONE notices. 

This has happened to me now a few times.  There is absolutely nothing that has set me off, no one pissed me off, nothing bad happened, I’m just in a funk.  It happens.  It’s life.  I mean if you were happy peppy poppy all the time you would collapse from exhaustion!  I didn’t think too much of it at first, but now that there has been a couple of days  (Yes just a couple people, in like 365 days of the year there may be a handful…just a handful…I’m not on the up and up that my funk has been a little strong.  For instance, I’m quieter.  Not making jokes all the time or trying to keep all those moody assholes around me cheerful.  What happens you ask? EVERYFUCKINGBODY asks me what’s wrong?  Are you ok?  I answer – yes I’m fine with a smile.  Or when that doesn’t seem to suffice I say Oh I’m just a little tired, or allergies, or some non tragic excuse.  But these people keep at it.  Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?  Are you sure everything is ok?  Do you want to talk about something?  Back the fuck up people!  I mean come on!  I made sort of a joke about it once when one particular person would not let up and I shouted “Can I not have a bad day?!”  She laughed and said “No you can’t!”  She was kidding but she was the one who asked me if I was Ok like 100 times that day.  The gal that was with her looked as us kind of funny to which I explained “Apparently if I have an off day or I’m not on 100% I’m suicidal!”  We all laughed it off, but it’s happened a few more times and it’s really bad today.  So – I’m writing about it.

I’m also writing about it because I appreciate honesty in life and maybe someday someone can read this and think “YES!  I’m not alone in these feelings!”  I have found myself doing that when someone writes something straight up honest and raw.  I’ve received compliments that my writing is that way and I’m glad.  Sometimes I worry if I write something too much of a “downer” that’s not good, but it is!  It’s ok to write this shit out and be down sometimes as long as you don’t live there.  Let’s touch on that shall we?

I never accepted the fact that I was a negative person.  But I was.  This has been something really hard for me to admit because I didn’t think I was as negative as some around me.  And trust me – I wasn’t.  But I still lived there.  I didn’t know it at the time but when I moved out of negative town I realized it.  Yes I’m sarcastic.  Yes I’m snarky.  Yes I swear like a sailor.  Yes I’m independent and strong and opinionated and a control freak and loud at times but I am not negative anymore.  I guess I always though positive happy people were sweet and compassionate all the time.  They’re not.  Because I am very sweet and compassionate to a fault – but with an edge.  That doesn’t make me any less positive/happy than the bitch dancing down the road throwing flowers on people and singing.  It’s been quite the revelation and I love it.  I never thought I would see the day that when someone asked me “Are you happy?” and I answered.  Yes!  It has also been a lot of work accepting that I didn’t used to be and that it’s ok to still not be happy/positive 100% of the time.  And that’s ok too.

So here it is.  A bitch blog because I can.  I’m happy with my life but today I am not.  Today I am annoyed.  There so much fucking negativity surrounding me right now I have to fight tooth and nail to keep away from it.  It’s not something I can get out of, but it’s something I just have to put my head down and wait for the storm to pass.  But it’s not easy.  I’ve thrown the towel in with some people.  They love being miserable and that’s fine.  I just stay away from them now.  I’m also really really lonely.  This is my most common complaint.  Those of you who have stayed with me on this journey know that.  You’re also probably sick of hearing me talk about it.  Well, stop reading then.  This too will pass.  I’m still trying to build up the courage to do online dating because I’ve come to the realization that that is probably the only chance I have left. DON’T TELL ME TO STOP LOOKING AND HE’LL COME!  That’s bullshit too.  There’s this video that went around Facebook the past couple of days.  First Kiss.  I want to love it.  I want to see the beauty in it.  I do to a point but it has come at a time when Jami is grumpy and lonely and what this video did for me is break my heart.  I mean it’s cute, it really is.  The natural reaction and awkwardness that these people go through is genuinely adorable.   But – again – I think this hurt so bad because I’m not sad often – but I felt it hurt.  I watched the video and I actually felt my heart hurt.  It’s like somebody squeezed it too hard to be mean.  Tears rolled down my face and I felt that awful pain called loneliness.  It was horrible.  I’m on the longest I’ve ever been in my entire life of having no one in my life.   I didn’t realize that not only did theatre fill my need for creativity but it filled my need for human contact.  We were an incestuous bunch and loved each other and there was always hugging and loving and kisses and joy.  I’ve been out of that regularly now for about 6 years.  I dated one or two boys in there but that’s it.  Now I have come upon my longest dry spell ever and I didn’t realize how much it hurt until watching that damn video.  Of course I’ve missed it and of course I’ve been trying to do all the things you are supposed to (except online date) to meet men.  But it didn’t actually hurt until today.  It was not a good feeling and has now put me in a funk I’m sure for the rest of the day.

I figured I would write this all out today and post it because I want to be brave and share my vulnerability with you.  I’m lonely.  It’s a fact.  And it fucking hurts.  I won’t live here.  This will pass, but it was sure a blow.  It’s ok to feel down sometimes.  Just don’t live there.  I’ll never move back.  I prefer happy town thank you very much!

So those of you who interact with me - I may be grumpy once in a while.  I can’t turn it on every second of every day!  I know I’m entertaining as all hell, and you come to me to cheer you up and inspire you and please continue to do so, but there will be a day or two where you might need to cheer me up.