Smoking

I am a smoker.
I am a true blood die hard smoker.
There are alot of people out there who "smoke". But there's a difference between a real smoker and someone who "smokes".
I'm a real smoker. I have been smoking since I was 12 years old. I started smoking regularly when I hit college. I was up to 2-3 packs a day. When someone described or imitated me they were drinking coffee, smoking and swearing. I have been referred to on many occasions as the female Dennis Leary. I love to smoke. I love to sit on my patio and inhale my American Spirits. I love to watch the smoke roll up into the air in artistic swirls. Smoking has become an extention of my body. I crave a cig after I eat. I crave when I drive. I crave when I drink. I constantly crave. The nicotine. The hand to mouth gratification. The look. The feel. The smell. The taste. I am a true blood smoker. I have smoked my entire life.

On that note - I want to quit.

I'm sure I'm going to get encouraging comments. "You can do it!" "Your strong!" "I believe in you!". This is all well and good. But I cant express to you how hard this will be. I'm not whining, or making excuses, I'm being honest. I'm not even sure I'm ready to do it. I told myself I'd quit when I dont love to smoke anymore. I'm afraid this is never going to happen. I told myself I'd quit when I turn 35. This was an ultimatum I gave myself. I'm only 32, but I'm afraid of failure. I want to maybe start making this attempt now and maybe by the time I turn 35 - I will actually be able to quit smoking. I'm being realistic here. Smoking is a part of my life. Unless you are or were a true hard core smoker as myself, you cant understand the gravity of this change. This will be a lifestyle change. I HAVE SMOKED MY ENTIRE LIFE. This is something I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to achieve.

I'm not going any sort of medical route. No Chamix. No pills. No gum. No hypnosis. Just me. Stopping my way. No pressure on myself. Again - I'm not sure if I'm going to start this quite yet, but its a thought. Its a growing thought creeping into my head. I've been quite sick for 2 months. 2 of them being sinus realted. A nasty sinus infection a few weeks ago. Now a brutal cold, that has now moved into my chest and I have the prettiest bronchial deep chest cough. I dont want to be sick anymore.

I go back and forth. I think of Europeans. They smoke like chimneys. You dont hear about the unhealthy Brits. They smoke, eat, drink and live life. I appreciate this. I know people in thier 90's that have smoked all thier lives and have no health issues. I see people smoke all the time. Its glamorized. Its "badass". Then on the flip side I hear of lung cancer. I get scared when my sinuses feel like knives shooting thru my face. I had a dream a while ago that I got cancer of the sinuses due to smoking. You taste like cigs. Theres good and bad.

I want to notice a difference in the way I feel. I want to feel healthy. I dont want to crave/need ANYTHING. I deem this as weak. I am not weak. The fact that I cannot quit smoking is weak. So ladies and gentlemen...bear with me.....I may fail, I may be a complete bitch, I may go thru withdrawls, I may not even go thru with this but the thought is there. Its there.