Time is valuable.
Hell time is precious.
The way I look at life now has completely changed
and one of the few things that upsets me now is if you waste my time.
Some people have told me I do too much. I pack my social calendar. I’m always going. This is and isn’t true. Yes, I do pack a bunch of stuff into my life,
but do I ever regret it? Nope. Do I
still make time to relax and not do a damn thing sometimes? Yes I do!
Some don’t believe that, but I do.
I will make time to just veg. To
nap. Sometimes to just zone out to a silly
TV show. Really I do!
When I was in recovery, my dad was grasping for
any sort of anything that may have caused my hemorrhage. Many of us were. It’s hard to accept something is “just a
fluke”. On one of his many visits he said
“You know, you always do so much. Maybe
you should slow down. Maybe that's why this happened?” I smiled and said
“No. Dad, if I hadn’t had survived, I
wouldn’t have one single regret of all that I’ve crammed into my 36 years (now 39) on
this earth. Think about it.” He nodded understanding my point but still
wanting me to slow down at least a little.
I used to think working in my weirdly specialized
job was such a waste of time. I’m never
going to make a lot of money. I’m never
going to move up. I came here to Chapman
and I see fellow employees killing themselves getting their masters (now some people love school so not knocking those folks!). Moving up.
Leaving here to get bigger and better jobs. I used to feel like a failure. I tried to go back to school here and failed
so hard at the math courses it caused me to be sick. Then it hit me – this isn’t important to
me! These people that are moving on and
up and killing themselves will live their whole life like that. I see some people at work that work 14-15
hour days and have a family. They are
strung out, overworked, unhappy. I will
never be that. And I’m glad. This job I’m in allows me to have the time to
fill my calendar with workouts, time with friends, meditation, time to
blog/write and not feel like I’m going to explode! I don’t mind the M-Fri 8-5 hours. I don’t mind that I’ll never make a whole
bunch of money. I don’t mind that I won’t
be running a staff of 100. I don’t mind
that I don’t have a master’s degree in something. I have a very understanding boss who trusts
me to get my work done so I get more leeway on when I leave or take time
off. My job is only mild on the stress
level. I may not make a ton, but I’m able
to pay my bills and keep a roof over my head.
It’s fine. It’s nothing
special. And that’s ok!
I’m currently in a show that’s scaring the crap out
of me. It is bringing a level of stress
I haven’t had in a while. But I’m also
loving every second of it because this is something I love. I’ll never do back to back to back shows like
I used to years ago, just to do something.
I will pick and choose a show I feel passionate about and throwing
myself and my energy into a project will not be wasted time. We’re about to roll into “Hell Week” which
is going to be brutal, but it’s only a week and it will be worth every second
when that show goes up. I can’t explain
it but when a group of passionate artists are thrown together to put up a
project like this, we become a family. Maybe
a slightly dysfunctional family but still a family. We all share the same fear, and anxiety, and
excitement, and passion to put on a show that’s a brand new experience for all involved. I’m exhausted, scared, anxious, frustrated
and yes – loving every second.
Once the show is up, my calendar will fill back up
with social engagements, work outs and adventures. I live in the moment more. I worry about the future less. I dwell on the past almost never. I know I will continue to do so and get even
better at living in the moment. Those
moments I share with family and friends are precious to me. Those moments I spend on bettering myself
physically, spiritually and emotionally are precious to me.
This can all be taken away in the blink of an
eye.
My friend Rose wrote a lovely blog
that sort of kicked me into gear writing this one.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. If you want some inspirational journeys.
Check them out
Eternal Recess.
It’s a hard fact.
We don’t have forever. None of us
do. And you don’t know when your time is
up. 2 people this week had lives cut
short. Suddenly. Both had families and children. One of them was a sibling to a dear friend of
mine and when he told me she went to bed with a headache and never woke up I crumbled. My survivor’s guilt rose back up again. Why did I survive and she didn’t? She has children. She took care of her mother. I cried for her. I cried for my friend who lost a sister he
adored. Then I find out another friend
of my brothers passed suddenly. I had
met him a few times. Wonderful guy. He had children. They’ve lost a father and they’re so
young! Then there's my Papa. I'm still dealing with that. I would give anything to hug him one more time. Losing him was like losing a limb. I dream about him sometimes and I'll wake up sobbing because it felt so real. I felt his burly arms around me, squeezing me. I heard his chuckle and saw that twinkle in his eye. I miss him every day. But the hard fact is – that’s
life. We don’t get to choose who stays
and who goes. All we can do is live the
one we have the best way we know how.
I’m glad I work in a low stress job that pays
crap. I’m glad I can throw myself into a
project that I’m excited about. I’m glad
I have a packed social calendar. I’m
glad I make time for my family. My
gramma thanks me all the time for taking the time out to take her to the cemetery once
a week but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It's our time together. It's special.
I’m glad I’ve become more emotional.
Hell it’s helping my acting! But
I also couldn’t imagine not being filled with compassion every day. It may be painful but that makes you
alive. Feelings. Emotions.
That’s living. It’s ok to have
ups and downs. It makes us human.
I’m grateful for every second of every day. Breathe it in my friends. I know you're always told to hug your loved ones
tighter. Cherish moments. Etc. Etc.
But godammit do it! Don’t ever
take life for granted. I promise you –
you won’t regret it.
