A moment of sadness...

I had it last night.

As you readers know, we're putting on a show at the beautiful Casa Romantica.  As you also probably know, this is where I got married in August of 1999.

When we had our 1st walk through back in October, a few friends in the cast asked me if I was ok, knowing this was where I got married.  I laughed it off and said "Of course!  That was a lifetime ago!  The wedding was awesome, it's the marriage that was a sham.".  This is a true statement.  But I had a feeling that it would hit me at some point even though it was, in fact, a lifetime ago.

Why is this I wonder?  Why after almost 16 years does my failed marriage pop up and bite me sometimes?  I almost never think about him.  All I know is he's remarried and apparently really religious now.  I know he and his wife run a photography business.  And that's it.  That's all I know, and more than I even want to know.  I don't hate him anymore.  I don't even stress about the fact that I still (yes still) am paying off the last of his debt he left me in.  I don't relive the lies and the drugs and the awful bullshit that was indeed our marriage.  Sadly I don't remember the good times though.  But I do remember our wedding.  Maybe that's why it panged me last night.

Last night was the night.  I truly believe that'll be it.  That last night it tugged at my heartstrings but it won't again.  I guess it's ok to still get sad about this right?  I mean back then on that beautiful August day I thought I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  That day I was happy.  That day I believed in love.

Last night rehearsal shifted and everyone was running the 2nd act room scenes.  This is when my death takes place in the bathroom where I once had a bridesmaid hold up my dress so I could pee.  This is also the same bathroom that the wedding coordinator would guard the door so I could sneak a cigarette out the window so my grandma wouldn't see.   Now I'll be cutting my wrists and singing the Beatles while I die.  Ironic?  Seriously.

I ran it by myself a couple of times and got a bit emotional.  I went outside and noticed no one else was finished so I wandered out into the back that overlooks the ocean and sat down, staring out over the ocean under the most beautiful moonlight.  I breathed in the salt air.  It was so beautiful.  So quiet.  Then I looked around the area where almost 16 years ago was filled with white chairs and an arch full of flowers.  A packed crowd cheering on as my soon to be husband and I exchanged our vows in a very simple, cute ceremony with twists of theatre jokes and smiles.  I remember the sun blinding me and my bridesmaids.  I remember my grandma wouldn't let me wear sunglasses.  I remember lots of laughter and my girls crying behind me.  Everyone was so happy.  I remember just before our kiss, his best man squirted mouth spray into his mouth as a little joke and we kissed and laughed.  I remember walking back down the aisle to The Best is Yet to Come by Frank Sinatra.

The memory faded with the cheers of the crowd and was replaced by the silence except for the crashing of the ocean.  I realized I was crying.  I got up and wandered around making sure I was still alone.  My heart ached.  I missed that happiness.  That glow.  That knowledge that I had a man in my life that I could share everything with.

As you know, I haven't really had much in the relationship world since then.  A smattering of fellows.  One that stayed around almost a year.  But that's it.  The loneliness took over and took my breath away.  It grabbed my heart and squeezed.

I heard voices coming from inside.  I wiped way the tears, took a deep breath and pulled myself together.  That's it.  That's all you get.  That one moment of sadness.

Rick and Jeff had finished their scene and they walked out breaking my moment.  I was glad.  We commented on the beauty of the place and enjoyed the the view.  We heard voices of others finishing up and headed back inside.  My moment of sadness was gone.