MRI's and Munchies...

Let's get the crappy part out 1st:

MRI's.  I HATE THEM.

After a ridiculous game of calling this person to tell me to call that person who tells me to go back and call this person again oh but this person needs to sign this and so and so has to approve this but wait you can't go here so call the hospital but they need to talk to him and you need to call her.  FUCK ME!

Finally got my MRI scheduled.  I had it last Thursday.  I wisely took the rest of the day off afterwards because they always make me feel icky.  I think it's the dye (contrast) they have to shoot me up with mid way through.  I get a nasty headache and laying flat for an hour and listening to the loudest noises on the planet while trying to stay still and calm without any help (meds) because I'm not claustrophobic but this damn thing sure could make me so - I did it.

I came home, felt like crap and now fingers are crossed for my follow up appointment next week to tell me if the little bastard tumor in my head has grown.  I'm hoping for a no.  I'm also hoping for a and since it hasn't had any growth since 2012 let's skip a year for the MRI.  My dad is actually hoping for a reduction but I don't even think that's possible.  Love you daddy.

I'm also waiting to hear back from the Foot Dr. about the painful right foot stuff I got going on.  I think it's my neuroma acting up again.  That's right kids - another stupid tumor.  Grumble.

So - there's that update.

Onto the more important stuff - FOOD!

Ok - let's start with The Playground.  Um  F-ING AMAZING.  Apparently this place was opened by the dude who won the very 1st Food Truck Challenge TV Show and he took his winnings and opened up this gem. Total foodie.  Total hipster.  It's in downtown Santa Ana but not the main area - it's down a bit, right near The Yost.  Go there.  Now.  It's so good.  My mouth is watering just thinking about it!

It's no secret though.  We got there on ArtWalk Saturday right when it opened at 5pm.  The next available reservation was Wednesday.  Um what?!  But you could walk right in and sit at the bar.  Full menu.  So that's what we did and it was just perfect.  I'm just going to post my Yelp Review:
Holy Hell was the food here amazing!!
We were there last night right when it opened & ate at the bar. Apparently the place is pretty booked up if you want a table but the bar was just perfect!
We had a couple bartenders helping us last night & both were rad.
My friend had the Naughty Sauce beer which was fantastic & I had an outstanding bold Pinot Noir.
Food-Oh my God- Amazing Brussels Sprouts to start. I had the Shrimp/Scallop Angiotti. Phenomenal! My friend went with the Uncle Jo's fried chicken. It didn't even seem fried! It was a sweet vinegery moist awesomeness.  Dessert was the dark chocolate cake with some rad sauces including pistachio!! Then we had the honey sweet potato pie-Holy Delishisness! !!!
The place is known for its foodie yummies & won't let you substitute anything but why would you!
So go. Eat. Drink. You won't be sorry!
So ya  - that sums it up.

2nd up is Wild Goose Tavern.  My friend Julie suggested this place since Costa Mesa is a nice middle ground for her and I and she knows I dig foodie stuff.  What neither of us did realize was this is not really a sit down restaurant.  It's a bar.  In fact it's the old bar that was Little Knight.  I about died when I pulled in.  Julie was super lucky though and got a table in the back corner.  The place was hilarious.  The decor was a trip - antlers and weird ducks on the wall with bras hanging off a lot of them.   Also a giant American Flag.  For a moment I thought "Merica" but the joint seemed to be full of trendy kids and some hipsters so maybe not the dive that Little Knight used to be after all.

Our waitress was great.  I had a wonderful Pinot Noir which made me happy of course.  I ordered a Chicken Club that boasted of a garlic aioli that sound amazing and an order of the Truffle Fries.  Both were super tasty.  Julie got a burger that looked amazing.  The food was fantastic but unfortunatley the atmosphere was not quite what we had hoped for since we had to shout at each other the whole time we were there.  Really really loud place.  But - if you're expecting that I would totally recommend it as a yummy place to grab a drink and eat!

Lastly was my adventure out last night with Miss T to hear about her NYC trip.  Gabbi's Mexican Kitchen in the Orange Circle has been open for probably years now and I have yet to have tried it.  Finally  - I got my ass there last night.  Boy was I glad I did!  Again - a popular joint and we had to wait a while to be sat, but us not being in a hurry it was totally fine.  The place is beautiful.  Lots of brick and really beautiful glass sculptures all over the place.  Service was good.  The food - amazing.
Terri ordered the Azteca Soup that she devoured so it must have been good!  She also ordered the Ropa Vieja.  Looked fantastic.  I had heard they had wonderful margaritas so I had to try them out!  My 1st one was a Mango on the rocks and it was delish!  I ended up getting a 2nd that was the house on the rocks, but I didn't like it as much as the Mango one.  Plus - they sneak up on ya!  Half way through my 2nd I realized I better not finish!  Oooops!  Glad we walked over!  Foodwise I ordered the carnitas nortenas.  Holy shit.  Soooooooooooooooooo good!  The carnitas come in a little skillet.  Then on the side is guacamole (wish there was a bit more), rice, beans and little cherry tomatoes in some kind of ridiculous oil.  The homemade flour tortillas were to die for.  I pretty much inhaled my dinner.  So so so good!!!  We couldn't do desset, but my friend at work whose a big Gabbi's fan said they have this amazing churro carmel thing so I guess I better go back!!!

Oh and check this out.  So I'm now officially on Twitter.  Friends and family have been encouraging me to be more of a social media presence so I'm trying to learn it a bit more (also hence more blogging) and Instagram and now this Twitter thing.  Anywhoo - I thought it was super cool that I "tweeted" (That's what you call it right?) about my Gabbi's trip and Gabbi's responded!  Neat huh!?

This sub conscious New Years Resolution about trying new places has really paid off!  I am finding some ridiculous good eats and loving blogging about them!!  Can't wait to see what's next!!!

Ladybug Rescue...

So I had a weirdly traumatic then happy event happen to me today.

I've had a bit of a crappy couple of days.  I was a bit grumpy for no reason yesterday, then today started the day with the attitude of "This day will be better!" after my morning routine of stretching and a few sun salutations practicing gratitude how can it not be right?

Then I have been in the HMO hell all morning.  My 1st year having HMO and I already hate it.  It's time for my yearly MRI which always makes me a bit anxious.  This is the MRI to make sure that stupid little tumor (Acoustic Nueroma) in my fucking head isn't growing which would then lead to having my head opened up and operated on.  So yes - a cause for a bit of anxiety.  This morning consisted of me being transferred to different people, calling my insurance, calling my doctor, everyone telling me to call the other person to schedule this fucking thing.  I still have not succeeded, but I am in a holding pattern which hopefully that next call will be the hospital saying - "Yes, come on in and get your MRI."   Fingers crossed.

Then to top off that nonsense, I'm battling my computer at work because the system I need to be working to actually to my job is down.  So - phone calls with insurance/doctors and at the same time emailing back and forth with our tech department.  I mean I know this is silly stupid stuff but I swear I felt like this:

Then my dad shows up for lunch.  We had to reschedule our usual Friday lunch date for today.  Things are looking up.  We have a lovely lunch of me trying to explain the story of Hamlet to him and us laughing and chatting as we do during my favorite weekly event.  I love you daddy.

Back in my office in a better mood.  No word from the Dr.  Computer is working.  Happy full belly.  I'm plugging along and I feel something move on my head.  I flick at it assuming it's my frizzy hair doing one of it's usual tickles.  I continue working.  A few minutes later I feel it again.  I again, reach up and flick at my hair - then I feel it.  Something alive.  My heart of course stops and I start to leap out of my chair when it flies up.  It's a lady bug.  I sigh with relief.  I can handle a lady bug.  I mean they're cute!  I watch as it flies up and up in my office hoping it will land soon so I can grab it and take it outside.  It flies up and into my light.

Oh shit.  It's going to die now.  I can't get it out of there!  I sit debating madly if our Facilities Department will actually come out to take a light down and rescue a lady bug.  Doubtful.  I sadly then try to forget about it.  I mean I can't rescue it.  I keep looking up at it.  It's flying around or crawling around but of course can't seem to find the one crack to get out.  I start to get upset.  My Gawd, this lady bug is going to die up in my light and I can't do anything about it and then there's going to be a dead lady bug forever up in my light and I know it's there and I start to get really sad an almost cry.  Yes, my emotions are a little frazzled right now but really?!  I keep telling myself.  It's just a little bug Jami.  You can't rescue it.  I mean if it was a fly I probably wouldn't care.  But all I keep picturing is this:

I mean lady bugs are cute!  We love them!!  One of my favorite movies - Under the Tucson Sun - she talks about lady bugs and it's a really important emotional moment in the movie!!  We love lady bugs and now this little one is going to fucking die in my light and I just have to watch.  I pull myself together and tearfully try to continue working.

About 20 minutes later when I've somewhat composed myself,  this amazing little lady bug lands right in front of my nose and startles me!!!!!  My co-worker was walking in my office at the exact same time to work on a project with me when I shrieked.  "Wait!!!!  Help me!"
He looked slightly confused as I gently pushed the lady bug into my palm and closed my hands around it.
"Hold doors open for me!" I shouted.  I was fucking giddy.
He followed me out the office and out the building opening the doors for me as I explained the dramatic lady bug rescue.

We got outside and I tossed the happy little lady bug out into a bush.

I seriously could burst with joy.

Yes my friends.  Sometimes it's the weirdest little things.  I might be slightly insane, but at least I admit (and write about) it.

Entire day is made!

Some new eats...

So I’m on a weird new kick.

I feel I’m missing out on things.  There seem to be all these rad places all around me and so many new places to try just in my own backyard and I’ve missed them!

Yes, I am aware I’m quite the social butterfly and do always seem to have a lot going on but it’s the same stuff.  I feel like I’m getting bored with my usual routine.  So – I seemed to have made a subconscious New Year’s Resolution.  To try new things/eateries/etc.  It’s cliché but fuck it.

I hit up a dive bar a few weeks ago to see my friend’s band play.  When my bestie backed out on me at the last minute I usually would just say screw it and not go.  But I still wanted to.  I had told my friend I’d be there to see her hubs play and I need to just go.  So I did!  And I found a dive bar I didn’t even know existed.  I had a lovely evening.

The other night I wanted to try a new restaurant.  I had the day off (MLK Day) and wanted to go out to dinner.  I just opened Yelp and started scrolling local restaurants looking for something I hadn’t been to.  And guess what – A Wine Pub popped up!!!  How the hell did I not know this was here!!  And this is my point.

So, I’m going to start trying new stuff and blogging about it later so I can look back at the end of 2015 and think – “Holy Shit I tried a lot of new places!”.  Fingers crossed.  I get random ideas like this in my head all the time and don’t follow through.  Let’s see how well I do here!

I have two new places to report on.  First up is the Wine Pub I mentioned above.  It’s in Orange and if you don’t know where it is you’ll miss it.  There’s a little strip mall just past off the 57 freeway past Hooters on Katella Ave.  It has like a Subway and a Rubios and tucked in there is Calivino.  Go there.  It’s just the type of place I dig!  A lovely wine selection and a bunch of funky craft beers.  My brother, his wife and I went and my brother who never likes to try anything new, loved it!  I had a glass of a Santa Barbara Pinot Noir that was yummy.  Actually I had two.  Here’s a fun Instagram shot I took.  Do you see the adorable centerpieces of wine corks:

Shane had one of those fancy beers that he dug and D had a white.  We ordered appetizers of bacon wrapped dates and marinated olives.  I will say I’ve had better bacon wrapped dates at other places but they were still good.  The olives – amazing.  I don’t even like olives but my brother convinced me to eat some because they were drowned in a tangy garlic something and they were delicious!  In fact there were so many Shane brought them home and my whole car reeked of garlic which I totally didn’t mind.  For dinner I had the house burger which was to die for.  So good!!!!  Shane got a pork belly burger which was friggin epic and he raved about it.  See picture:

D got a spinach salad with chicken and said it was some of the best chicken she ever had.  The fries were also delicious.  Prices were reasonable and it was a great atmosphere.  The place is small but very chic.  I dug the high top tables and the wood work was very cool.  Our waitress was super sweet and we had a great time.  My only complaint was the selection is a bit small but I know more foodies places are like that.  I will defiantly be going back!

Second restaurant to report on is Macallans.  I was lounging at my dad’s house up in Fullerton this weekend visiting with my step brother who was in town.  Dad lives right next to Brea so when the topic of an early dinner was brought up I piped in and suggested we go somewhere new.  Shane said a new Irish Pub had opened up the street so we all jumped right on that.  It’s in the downtown Brea area.  When you walk in it’s beautiful.  Gorgeous lighting displays, open and airy, lots of mint green décor and dark wood.  It’s a cross between homey and hip bar.  I loved it.  We were seated at a round table which was awesome.  I wish more restaurants had round tables.  When there’s a big group of you it’s so nice to be able to look at everyone.  The place is known for the fact that they have 200 different kinds of Scotch and Whiskey.  I actually took a shot of the menu and sent it to a friend of mine who loooooooooooooooves whiskey.

Lori took this shot of Jon and I and I do believe it is frame worthy!!  I miss him so much!!!  I wish he lived closer!

They also had a bit of a small food selection and I opted for the burger.  I mean – it’s fun to see whose got yummy burgers right?  I ordered a Hahns Pinot Noir which I’ve had before and it was delish.  My burger was just ok.  I was hoping for it to be a bit more flavorful.  It boasted of a pesto sauce and a salsa verde that I thought would give it a more flavor punch but unfortunately not so much.  The fries were awesome.  Jon got a Steak Fritas but he wasn’t too impressed.  D was quite disappointed in her Mac & Cheese but the three who had fish & chips said they were good!  So – a mixed bag.  I’d return for maybe drinks and appetizers and defiantly atmosphere.  The place is gorgeous and the staff was super friendly.  We took a few family shots as we left since we’re never all together!

So – two new places in the bag!  I look forward to trying more new spots and reporting on them here!  If you have any recommendations post them below!

Happy eating!

How art in my life has changed...

I have found I need to have some sort of art in my life. 

Period.

This is a fact.

This is also no real surprise to anyone who knows me, but it's been an interesting journey as of late.

Back in 2009 my back to back theatre days came to an end.  Rude Guerrilla being my constant theatre home had closed it's doors.  I popped around and did some other shows here and there.  But what I didn't realize at the time was my creative streak inside my soul wasn't getting satisfied.  I did some writing projects, jumped on the Pintrest bandwagon and hosted some craft nights, picked up my camera now and again, but what I didn't realize, was it just wasn't cutting it.

In 2011 was when my Papa's health really started declining and eventually hospice was brought in, so I ended up taking an involuntary hiatus from theatre entirely.  I did a one night show here and there but didn't want to commit to anything I couldn't pull out of last minute.  Again I filled that void with the above mentioned stuff.  This time I was really beginning to miss life on the stage.  Although I do have this fun little ongoing project I still do if you want to check it out - Jami's Photo Blog.
It started out as a photo a day and has turned into a color a month!

When my Papa passed in the end of 2013, it wasn't long before friends/family were gently asking me when they would see me onstage again.  I looked around.  Inquired at theaters but nothing was getting me excited.  After my own little medical stint in 2012 time has become much more precious to me and I didn't want to work on a project unless I felt passionately about it.  I also hate to say this, but I have been seeing some really bad theatre way too often and it was killing my spirit a bit.

It seems like things have changed for me and my outlook in the artistic world, and it somewhat has all come together over the last couple of months.

I signed on to do the A'Dolts Only Xmas Pagent that I've done for a few years now.  It's just a one night silly romp onstage that usually has a drunk audience and half drunk cast.  It's totally fun and offensive and I love being a part of it.  This year I had a monologue.  What took me by surprise was how nervous I was.  Now don't get me wrong - I always get nervous - but this was different.  I felt like I forgot how to act.  When it was time to perform I was awful.  I sped through my lines, didn't know what to do with myself onstage and didn't get nearly the laughs the piece deserved.  I came off stage heartbroken and confused.  What the hell was wrong with me?!  Well - duh Jami.  Acting is just like anything in life.  If you're not doing it on a regular basis you get out of practice.  Now - us old pros can pull it together so you as the audience don't realize we're off our game, but we know.  I felt it.  It was weird and foreign.  I also didn't give as much as a fuck as I should have.

Now, here I am working on Slings and Arrows that I'm super excited about.  As I mentioned somewhere in an earlier blog, it's a re-imagination of Hamlet that we (Monkey Wrench Collective) will be performing at Casa Romantica in April.  The audience will walk around from room to room and watch the show unfold.  I'm extremely excited/nervous about it in a great way!

But what's weird is it feels totally different to me.  It hit me the other day like a brick in the face.  I'm a completely different person now.  Yeah, yeah, you're probably tired of me bringing up the hemorrhage but it shocks the hell out of me every time I realize how much it changed me.  And guess what - it's changed the way I approach my art.  And it's fucking cool!  Yes, it's been forever since I've done a show.  Yes, I've been antsy to get back onstage again.  Yes, this is super different and unique.  But still - it's a new feeling.  In my heart.  In my soul!

I think it all comes together when I take a step back and realize how I look at life now.  Time is a gift.  My emotions and feelings are right at the surface.  I'm more at peace.  I'm also very picky about where I put my time.  If it is not something I want to do, forget it.  It's a total trip guys!!!!

I've only had a couple of rehearsals for Slings and Arrows, but I have a feeling you will be hearing about the process more and more here.  I want to document it more for sure.  In fact - a shot from last week's rehearsal!

I'm hugging Jefferey Kieviet who is our new Laeretes.  Keith Bennet had to pull out unfortunately but I adore Jeffrey so we'll have fun.  Heather Enriquez our fabulous costumer then Dave working with Jeffrey and Bryan Jennings (Claudius).

Last weeks rehearsal went very well.  Dave told me to be confident in my performance.  I got it, he said.  I have never felt this kind of confidence coming from Dave in regards to my performance before.  He and I joke that I can be more emotional now since all the feelings seem to be right fucking there but all joking aside it's true.  My personality has always been laid back and it's a challenge for me to play the more dramatic roles.  Comedy has always been my stronger suit.  I feel my best dramatic performance came out of Beirut in 2008 but I know the reason was because it was my baby and I threw my life and soul into the piece and was so proud of how it turned out and the reviews were wonderful and people loved it.  In fact, here's a shot from it.

That would be my dear friend Alex Walters who played Torch to my Blue and was one of his best performances to date.

Anywhoo -  Here I am again.  Thrilled beyond belief working on something I'm excited about and feeling so much different.  I concentrate more.  Research more.  It's like I've grown up or something.  Last nights rehearsal was no exception.  We'll be showing Ophelia's death in our production and Dave asked me to pick out a song to sing.  I chose Golden Slumbers by The Beatles.  That song has always broke my heart for some reason and I felt it would work well.  I had to sing it last night and I HATE singing in front of people so I was really nervous.  I had an idea of how I wanted to do it and it actually brought Dave and Pete to tears.  YES!  This makes me confident I'm going in the right direction.  My nunnery scene I'm doing with Brenda Kenworthy (Shadow Hamlet) took a different turn and it's great.  Jeffrey and I have fell right into ease with the brother/sister dynamic and at last weeks rehearsal Conor Turoci (Hamlet) and I ended up choreographing a fantastic opening bit that was rad.  In fact here's Dave's status update from the MWC facebook page last week:

SLINGS AND ARROWS Rehearsal 2: 2B or not 2B speech with 3 Hamlets arguing the merits of suicide. Brenda and Jami running the "Get thee to a nunnery" scene (with some very creative ideas coming out of that one...). An introductory moment between Hamlet and Ophelia that gave me chills. Laertes-forgiving Hamlet at end or not?

This thrilled me to no end.  I'm not the only one getting excited.  But you guys - I feel it!!  That spark!  That creative breath I've been missing for years now is back and it's glorious!  I'm so excited and terrified and nutty about this show I may burst!

It's not just me either - I'm getting more excited and into my friends stuff.  I've always been supportive yes, but those pieces I know someone is extra passionate about or excited or doing something new.  Watching them perform makes my heart swell.  My friend Amber is in a show currently running at Stages in Fullerton called The North Plan.  She's brilliant in it!  I enjoyed the show so much and laughed until my sides hurt at her performance.  This is her in the jail below.

My friend Monica whom I've know since childhood has a husband that jams with friends.  They call themselves Hall Pass and never performed really except in friends garages but were always fun.  Well he's joined a new band now called El Duderino and they performed the other night at a tiny little dive bar in Santa Ana.  Watching Monica's proud face as her man jammed onstage was so awesome.  They do a lot of original stuff and were super fun to watch.

The creative juices are flowing.  I look so forward to see what comes up.  It's so awesome to feel that spark in myself again.  I've missed it so much more than I realized.  I'm also so excited to see where this new feeling will take me.  I guess it's a different path now when you feel all the damn feelings!  Ha ha!  Life is certainly a trip when you look at it in a brighter light!

And remember:

Holy Jim Falls Attempt...

So I have MLK day off every year, and I usually forget we even have it off and I never make plans for the long weekend.  This year I wanted to at least get out and do an adventure day of.  I figured my friend Cesar would have it off since he also works for a school so we made plans to do a hike.

I've also been wanting to find new areas to hike/explore.  I'm surrounded by beautiful nature and don't venture out past my little Peters Canyon box very often.  So I hunted around and had a few options for us depending how we felt day of.  I also wanted to take my new camera out for some play time.

We landed on Holy Jim Falls.  It's supposed to be a bout a 3 mile hike round trip.  There's also supposed to be a pretty waterfall somewhere. What I also noticed was the note saying if you want to drive the dirt road to get there it's recommended to have a 4 wheel drive , I also didn't realize how far it was.  I for some reason thought maybe we could just walk it?  Ooooops.

We parked at the front thinking the walk in wouldn't be that long.  Wrong.  It's about 4 miles or more in we found out.  The bummer is the main portion is just a dirt road with not much to look at.  Plus the vehicles that are driving it kick up a nice big dust cloud as they drive by.  We were in good spirits though.  He's a bit hungover and I forgot to pack some snacks so my stomach started growling.  The sun was out and it was a gorgeous day and I also forgot sunblock.  So - this trip was a learning trip.  I'll know what to do next time. 

Lessons Learned:
1 - Prepare better.  Have your backpack full of snacks, water, sun block, etc.
2 - Leave earlier.  It's actually a bit farther up the road than I thought.  It's not just up Chapman, it's a bit of a drive.  So leave early.
3 - If you don't want a long ass walk then find someone with a vehicle that can drive the dirt road.  The part we turned around at had a little parking area and then a 2 mile walk to where the trail started - this would be a good place to begin.
4 - Make a day of it.

We still had a really nice time.   And below are my photos.  It took us about an hour and a half to get to where we decided to turn back around and about an hour to walk back.  So we got a nice good walk in.  Plus beautiful day.  Plus beautiful landscape once you get in the hills a bit.  Plus got a little bit of camera play.  Plus good company!

A random memorial for someone named Matt Moore :(

Cesar

This was the moment it was so silent.  I love moments like that.  You could hear a pin drop miles away.

Our little spot we stopped at to decide how much farther we should go.

Playing with the camera

New profile pic

Not a bad selfie with my giant camera

This was the point we realized how much farther we had.  We would normally keep going had we been better prepared and planned to make a whole day of it but we turned back here.

I joked this was the only waterfall we were going to get today.

These trees had a purplish hew. So pretty!

Reminded me of stars

I was futzing around with my action setting.  Lots to learn.

All in all it was a fun day.  We grabbed lunch afterwards.  I love spending time outdoors and finding new places.  Even though we didn't make our destination and I was a bit disappointed I didn't know where anything it was, there was still that adventure feeling.  I look forward to doing this much more!

Dating woes...

I’m really really really trying to be happy being a single almost 40 year old woman.

I keep telling myself I’m happy single.  Because honestly – I am.  But am I really?

Here’s the thing.  I’m a happy girl.  Life is good.  There really isn’t anything in my life I’m unhappy with.  Except – sometimes, not all the time – not having a man in my life.  Does this mean I’m unhappy being single?  I’m starting to not know the answer to that question.

I mean, no one is totally happy with life and everything is perfect.  That would be weird.  Yes, I struggle a bit financially.  Yes, I live in a weird little contraption that I’m surprised is still standing.  Yes, I’m realizing my gramma is not the nicest person.  Yes, my job is kinda boring.  Am I unhappy?  Not at all.  So I wonder if being “unhappy” without a man in my life is being too greedy? 

I figured I’d blog about my dating confusion and why I can’t seem to date well because I can’t blog about being happy or unhappy being single because I just can’t fucking figure it out.  I mean I’m happy.  I am.  But I’m lonely at times.  I am now in like the 3 percentile of my friends that don’t have a husband, boyfriend, fiancé and/or kid (s).   It’s weird.  I love going to weddings and showers etc.  But it does twang at my heart a bit when I leave.  I do find myself wondering “Will I ever find someone?”  Yet, I go home and go on with my life.  Not depressed.  So hell.  I have no idea.

So here we go.

Why can’t Jami find love?

Is it because I’m not unhappy being single?  Well – then that phrase “Someone will come along when your least expecting it.”  Or a few times I have stated via social media that I’m over it and happy being single I get the “Now is when you’ll find someone”.  Ya?  When?

Is it because I seem to become friends with men rather than dating them?  There have been a good number of wonderful guys that have come into my life and I adore them and we are now friends but there was no spark.  No thought of actually dating them.  Just “Hey a new friend!  Yay!”  The thing is – I love that.  I love my new male friends.  They’re wonderful human beings but I’m just not into them romantically.

Is it because I have a bitchy resting face?

Is it because I swear like a sailor?

Is it because I’m terrified of dating? 

“Why are you scared?” people ask me. 

Well – let’s touch on that a minute.

Here’s how the love life of Jami has gone throughout the years.

I grew up with a very low self esteem – especially when it came to boys.  I was not one of the “pretty” or “popular” girls.  I was also an asshole.  I had my very 1^st boyfriend whom I lost my virginity too, yes very sweet like, no horror stories there but I treated him like shit.  I got into college and college theatre and found a new home.  It seemed boys liked me here.  Oh wait – theatre folk are all just a bunch of whores (and I say that in the most loving way including myself).  Yup, most of us are.  Then I met my husband.  Oops!  That ended in 2004.  I then banged my way through the theatre world.  I mean who didn’t?  Then I grew up a bit and started trying to flirt in the real world.  This is where I realized I’m a horrible flirt.  

The older I got the more uncomfortable I got talking to new people.   I then was set up on a blind date and dated that guy for a rocky 6 months.  That ended in 2008.  Then I didn’t date anyone until early 2012 when an old friend and I decided maybe we should be more than friends and he flipped out.  So that didn’t last.  Then I went on a date with some guy that blew me off after 2 dates.  And that was about it.  I sort of retreated back into my shell and find that dating scares the shit out of me.  I resurfaced a smidge when an old HS flame appeared but that as well did not last since he turned out to be a bit of a psycho.

Everyone has been up my ass to join online dating.  Somewhere between 2008-2012 I briefly tried it and wrote a blog awhile back about that humorous date.  Recently I signed up (but didn’t pay so I thought I was just looking) on Match.com.  I still had to fill out and create a profile so I did.  The matches it set me up with made me want to cry.  I then got inundated with emails and I had to contact the company to remove me completely because I never wanted to sign up and why were they emailing me all this crap when I hadn’t even paid yet and oh my god leave me the hell alone with all these weird matches and emails and AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

So lately I’ve been snarky about dating and putting my “I’m happy single” face on.  Then I had a date last weekend.  I was soooooooooooooooooo nervous.  I freaked out to a couple of choice friends on what to wear, what do I say, what do I do??  I kept telling myself not to be nervous but the butterflies in my stomach were laughing at me.  When asked again by a friend “Why are you so damn nervous?!?”  Well….look at my track record and my lack of experience when it comes to men.

The date came, the guy was weird but nice.  I tried to be open when he suggested a place on a Sat nite during playoffs that I knew would be packed.  I assumed he’d know to make a reservation.  No.  He assumed we’d find bar seating.  Oh child.  After 45 minutes of waiting for a table and chatting he suggested appetizers because apparently he had already eaten.  Oooops, ok I guess this wasn’t a dinner date (Wouldn’t you think 7pm was a dinner date?).  Then the bill came and I paid my portion since he didn’t offer.  (Who are these boys that pay for girls dates?  Is that a thing anymore?)  I ignored the couple of sexist remarks he made about women.  Maybe he just doesn’t know better.  We had a couple of friends in common and when we chatted about that scene and he mentioned he was good friends with a person I know to be a total douchebag I tried to hide my cringe.  After an awkward hug and me turning my cheek so his weird peck landed there and not my lips I headed home.  Annoyed.  WHY WAS I NERVOUS?!

This is why I don’t like dating.  I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had a good one!!  And yes, I know, I don’t have barley enough to count.  But still.  Sigh. 

I’m uncomfortable around people I don’t know.  Men and women.  I think of myself as a very cool extrovert and it seems people like me.  But if the new person doesn’t say anything I start rambling more than I already do and I feel like I get awkward.

Is it supposed to be this hard? 

Again, I try so hard to be ok with being single.  I want to be.  I really do!  I keep telling myself that I am.  And I am!  I love my own space.  I love being able to do what I want when I want.  I love that I don’t have someone I need to check in with.  So why do I still yearn sometimes for boyfriend and dare I say family?  That, my friends, I just don’t know.

I’m hoping that the next time (if there is one…at this rate who knows) I won’t be so nervous before a date.  Maybe it could be one of those many times (I failed to mention earlier) I was apparently on a date and didn’t realize it.  Those usually ended with “Wow he kissed me!  I didn’t know this was a date! Cool!” and never to be heard from again.  I don't think I'm a bad kisser...I've actually received some nice compliments there thank you very much, so who knows.

Well my dear readers, I share this blog with you hoping maybe if someone is going through the same thing they know they are not alone.  I also always find it’s helpful to write out those confusing times although I don’t feel any clearer at this point.  Or maybe someone is going to read this and know exactly the reason and fix all my dating woes.  Ha!  Wishful thinking.

Anywhoo – cheers for now from the woman getting closer and closer to crazy cat lady!  Kisses!