Dating woes...

I’m really really really trying to be happy being a single almost 40 year old woman.

I keep telling myself I’m happy single.  Because honestly – I am.  But am I really?

Here’s the thing.  I’m a happy girl.  Life is good.  There really isn’t anything in my life I’m unhappy with.  Except – sometimes, not all the time – not having a man in my life.  Does this mean I’m unhappy being single?  I’m starting to not know the answer to that question.

I mean, no one is totally happy with life and everything is perfect.  That would be weird.  Yes, I struggle a bit financially.  Yes, I live in a weird little contraption that I’m surprised is still standing.  Yes, I’m realizing my gramma is not the nicest person.  Yes, my job is kinda boring.  Am I unhappy?  Not at all.  So I wonder if being “unhappy” without a man in my life is being too greedy? 

I figured I’d blog about my dating confusion and why I can’t seem to date well because I can’t blog about being happy or unhappy being single because I just can’t fucking figure it out.  I mean I’m happy.  I am.  But I’m lonely at times.  I am now in like the 3 percentile of my friends that don’t have a husband, boyfriend, fiancé and/or kid (s).   It’s weird.  I love going to weddings and showers etc.  But it does twang at my heart a bit when I leave.  I do find myself wondering “Will I ever find someone?”  Yet, I go home and go on with my life.  Not depressed.  So hell.  I have no idea.

So here we go.

Why can’t Jami find love?

Is it because I’m not unhappy being single?  Well – then that phrase “Someone will come along when your least expecting it.”  Or a few times I have stated via social media that I’m over it and happy being single I get the “Now is when you’ll find someone”.  Ya?  When?

Is it because I seem to become friends with men rather than dating them?  There have been a good number of wonderful guys that have come into my life and I adore them and we are now friends but there was no spark.  No thought of actually dating them.  Just “Hey a new friend!  Yay!”  The thing is – I love that.  I love my new male friends.  They’re wonderful human beings but I’m just not into them romantically.

Is it because I have a bitchy resting face?

Is it because I swear like a sailor?

Is it because I’m terrified of dating? 

“Why are you scared?” people ask me. 

Well – let’s touch on that a minute.

Here’s how the love life of Jami has gone throughout the years.

I grew up with a very low self esteem – especially when it came to boys.  I was not one of the “pretty” or “popular” girls.  I was also an asshole.  I had my very 1^st boyfriend whom I lost my virginity too, yes very sweet like, no horror stories there but I treated him like shit.  I got into college and college theatre and found a new home.  It seemed boys liked me here.  Oh wait – theatre folk are all just a bunch of whores (and I say that in the most loving way including myself).  Yup, most of us are.  Then I met my husband.  Oops!  That ended in 2004.  I then banged my way through the theatre world.  I mean who didn’t?  Then I grew up a bit and started trying to flirt in the real world.  This is where I realized I’m a horrible flirt.  

The older I got the more uncomfortable I got talking to new people.   I then was set up on a blind date and dated that guy for a rocky 6 months.  That ended in 2008.  Then I didn’t date anyone until early 2012 when an old friend and I decided maybe we should be more than friends and he flipped out.  So that didn’t last.  Then I went on a date with some guy that blew me off after 2 dates.  And that was about it.  I sort of retreated back into my shell and find that dating scares the shit out of me.  I resurfaced a smidge when an old HS flame appeared but that as well did not last since he turned out to be a bit of a psycho.

Everyone has been up my ass to join online dating.  Somewhere between 2008-2012 I briefly tried it and wrote a blog awhile back about that humorous date.  Recently I signed up (but didn’t pay so I thought I was just looking) on Match.com.  I still had to fill out and create a profile so I did.  The matches it set me up with made me want to cry.  I then got inundated with emails and I had to contact the company to remove me completely because I never wanted to sign up and why were they emailing me all this crap when I hadn’t even paid yet and oh my god leave me the hell alone with all these weird matches and emails and AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

So lately I’ve been snarky about dating and putting my “I’m happy single” face on.  Then I had a date last weekend.  I was soooooooooooooooooo nervous.  I freaked out to a couple of choice friends on what to wear, what do I say, what do I do??  I kept telling myself not to be nervous but the butterflies in my stomach were laughing at me.  When asked again by a friend “Why are you so damn nervous?!?”  Well….look at my track record and my lack of experience when it comes to men.

The date came, the guy was weird but nice.  I tried to be open when he suggested a place on a Sat nite during playoffs that I knew would be packed.  I assumed he’d know to make a reservation.  No.  He assumed we’d find bar seating.  Oh child.  After 45 minutes of waiting for a table and chatting he suggested appetizers because apparently he had already eaten.  Oooops, ok I guess this wasn’t a dinner date (Wouldn’t you think 7pm was a dinner date?).  Then the bill came and I paid my portion since he didn’t offer.  (Who are these boys that pay for girls dates?  Is that a thing anymore?)  I ignored the couple of sexist remarks he made about women.  Maybe he just doesn’t know better.  We had a couple of friends in common and when we chatted about that scene and he mentioned he was good friends with a person I know to be a total douchebag I tried to hide my cringe.  After an awkward hug and me turning my cheek so his weird peck landed there and not my lips I headed home.  Annoyed.  WHY WAS I NERVOUS?!

This is why I don’t like dating.  I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had a good one!!  And yes, I know, I don’t have barley enough to count.  But still.  Sigh. 

I’m uncomfortable around people I don’t know.  Men and women.  I think of myself as a very cool extrovert and it seems people like me.  But if the new person doesn’t say anything I start rambling more than I already do and I feel like I get awkward.

Is it supposed to be this hard? 

Again, I try so hard to be ok with being single.  I want to be.  I really do!  I keep telling myself that I am.  And I am!  I love my own space.  I love being able to do what I want when I want.  I love that I don’t have someone I need to check in with.  So why do I still yearn sometimes for boyfriend and dare I say family?  That, my friends, I just don’t know.

I’m hoping that the next time (if there is one…at this rate who knows) I won’t be so nervous before a date.  Maybe it could be one of those many times (I failed to mention earlier) I was apparently on a date and didn’t realize it.  Those usually ended with “Wow he kissed me!  I didn’t know this was a date! Cool!” and never to be heard from again.  I don't think I'm a bad kisser...I've actually received some nice compliments there thank you very much, so who knows.

Well my dear readers, I share this blog with you hoping maybe if someone is going through the same thing they know they are not alone.  I also always find it’s helpful to write out those confusing times although I don’t feel any clearer at this point.  Or maybe someone is going to read this and know exactly the reason and fix all my dating woes.  Ha!  Wishful thinking.

Anywhoo – cheers for now from the woman getting closer and closer to crazy cat lady!  Kisses!