Some lessons learned...

So in the process of a slow lifestyle change, you start to realize you're actually learning a few things. So I thought I'd jot down a few lessons I have learned as of late.
- I am an absolutely horrible speller. I know that Writers Day Blog is supposed to be unedited and just a flow of thought, but if I didn’t spell check the damn thing any of you actually reading it would think I'm not actually doing it but a kindergartener is.
- Speaking of that blog, there are days I think I'm the worst writer in the whole world and other days I think "Wow - that was actually a nice bit". Then there are the days I don’t know if it's good or bad but I'm doing it so yay me.
- I took the Ayurveda test since I'm looking at all kinds of options to work on change, and I have found my Pitta is spiked and I need to bring my Vata up. In normal words this means I need to slow down a bit. So I should probably take a yoga class regularly.
- I have learned that keeping active in my life I now crave it. If I go more than 2 days in a row without an activity (which happens sometimes because there are not enough hours in the day) I feel it and I don’t like it.
- I have also found I'm eating better. I didn’t mean too, I just started. I actually want mom to make dinners. The thought of fast food is not appealing to me at all. I cut out soda from my diet a few years ago actually and realized the other day I don’t miss it. Not even a little bit.
- My cats are like little heaters.
- I'm actually pretty fucking strong. I have one of the most powerful punches in my boxing burn class and kind of kick everyone's ass when it comes to the boot camp part. I also took to indoor rock climbing like a fish to water.
- I am not at all graceful or coordinated. If my hands and feet have to do 2 different things it's a comedy show on legs.
- I am not at all a technical person. I tune out. I'm hoping Ber will still have photo play dates with me when I ask her over and over the same damn questions because I will never ever understand the workings of my camera.
- I hate math so much it actually makes me vomit. No for real.
- I absolutely love when a friend makes something and gives it to me. When I move back out again, I really want to have a little section of my house that is only things my friends have painted, or photographed, or sewn, or crafted. Right now I have a Jerry Garcia painting from my friend Cesar, an adorable little handmade card from my friend April, an inspirational postcard from my friend Rachel, a coaster with a J on it from my friend Bri, and tonight I just got a crocheted teddy bear from my friend Violet.

I honestly could go on with many more, and I'm sure I'll throw up another lesson's learned blog pretty shortly. But I'm tired. I am stoked with all I'm doing right now but it is a lot. But it's good!! Except that I need to slow down a little if my Pitta and Vata are ever going to balance. Le sigh. This activity in my life is great. I don’t necessarily notice my body much better, I've actually gained muscle weight again but I feel good. I want to concentrate on my nutrition soon but I know that's going to be a huge endeavor. I'm hoping to meet with a nutritionist who can tell me how to eat healthy without cooking. I have a show coming up that will run 2 weekends only that I'm quite excited about. Between this blog, the daily blog and my therapy journal I'm supposed to keep I'm writing more than I ever have. It's difficult but good. I have some really great people in my life. New ones as well that are helping me along this journey. They don’t know how much they are actually helping me out.

So livin and learnin it seems. So far so good.

Later in January...

I'm sick.
AGAIN.
Sadly my blogging has been suffering, but I've caught up. Yes they are not the best and they are quite short but I'm trying to stay on top of it. I don’t want to get too far behind. My activities are suffering too of course.
I'm a little annoyed I'm sick again, because I swear to CHRIST that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to not get sick. I take vitamins. I eat decently. I exercise. I sleep (no really I do now). I don’t smoke anymore. WTF!?
Oh and also - if one more person says "You're always sick!" I may punch them in the throat. You think I don’t know that!!!??? You think I don’t try everyfuckingthing to not be sick, yet here I am??!!!!
Ok I'm done.
So, I'm still seeing this new therapist. She wants me to write a Therapy Journal. Good Lord. Between this blog, my other blog and that - Oi. But I will.
I had my 1st Indoor Rock Climbing class earlier this week (that probably knocked my cold in to full gear). It was so fun! I was quite good at it too! My sis in law couldn’t get to the top, but I did every time! I was so excited and proud I could do that. I'm a moron at the knotting, but the sis is good at that so we balance each other out I suppose. We now have 2 months unlimited membership there so I'm going to try to go on the weekends.
I'm enjoying my Sat morning Zumba class. It's alot of fun and a really great work out. I'm still not too hot with the steps, but we all know my dancing skills are a bit off.
Unfortunately I have had to miss so much Boxing Burn I shouldn’t have signed up for this session, but too late now. I was to go back last nite, but I was too sick. I'll be back next week but I think there's only 2 weeks after that then the next session starts. Hopefully I'll be able to make more classes then.
I went to the Photography Class I was talking about earlier. It was interesting to learn a few new tricks, then next Sat the 28th we have a field day with the teacher so that should be fun. I'm really looking forward to really using my camera.
Bowling starts up in a couple of weeks. I have a co-worker who pulled a team together, so that will be loads of fun to have another team I know!
I'm supposed to go on a "date" with one of my Cupid people this Sat night, but I'm debating on canceling. I'm really considering shutting down my profile entirely. I really really don’t like the whole online dating thing. Besides, I don’t have a whole lot of free time right now anyway. But I don’t know. A little part of me wants to go to just knock that 1st one out of the way. I don’t know. We'll see.
I went to the Huntington last weekend for the Chinese New Year Celebration. It was awesome. Took some fantastic photos - I posted a couple of my faves below.
I'm certainly off to a busy start in 2012 which is great! I really want to be able to keep on top of things. All things.
Well, off to bed early to try to kick this damn cold!

The start of the year...

Well I have to say - I'm on the right track so far.
Yes it's only the 3rd, but here I am.
I've started the "Writers Book of Days" blog, as planned. Have written all 3 days! The interesting thing is it's just like the book said. I just am to "show up to the page". Just write. Sometimes it will be poems, sometimes a story with characters, sometimes ramblings; sometimes it will be great, sometimes it will suck. Yes, I've only done this for 3 days, but for instance - todays blew. I don’t even know why I wrote what I did! I also have noticed they're pretty short. But I'm ok with it all. It'll come. I'm already quite interested that I've written what I have...I never write stories with characters, so the fact that 2 out of 3 have dialogue...well...interesting! I'm really going to try to stick to this. It will be hard, but I already have my follower (One of my most supportive/dedicated blog readers :)) to keep me in check if I start to slack. (I count on you to nag me if I lag Miss R!)
I met with a new therapist tonight. I already like her better than my last one. I'm truly hoping I'll click with her and she can really help me out.
I haven’t deleted my OK Cupid profile yet, so there's a plus.
I exercised quite a bit over my vacation which made me proud to actually do it when the temptation to lie on the couch and watch ANTM reruns was so tempting.
I'm a little bummed out I'm going to miss my 1st 4 boxing burn classes, but it's for good reasons. My Soul at Home yoga pass is spilling into the 1st couple of classes here. I'm ok with it; because there is a Power Yoga class I really like that I'm considering actually signing up for if I can afford it. (I'm using a groupon right now). I also plan on taking my friends class to throw a little support her way. I had to make a therapy appointment for one of the nights, but I do plan on letting the gal know I can’t do Mon/Wed in the future. Then I'm most excited about a photography class my friend and I signed up for. Another groupon of course, but it basically is supposed to teach you how to use your fancy smacny camera! I have this beautiful piece of equipment that has too many bells and whistles for this old skool girl and this groupon is one night of teachings, then one day field session. I'm super excited for that. So yes, boxing burn will suffer, but I'll be back full swing again soon.
There's a zumba class I'm testing out Sat morning, and a Hula class I'm testing out Sunday. That's right...lil dancing...I LOVE VARIETY!
I also have an indoor rock climbing class I signed my sis and me up for a while back that we will be doing here right quick as well. I CANT WAIT for that one! I know I'm going to have a ball climbing around.
I have art walk coming up Fri, and a trip to the Huntington coming up in a couple of weekends I'm also looking foward too.
January/February are usually rough months for me. I'm happy to report that I'm already flying at them with gusto. Again, I know it's only January 3rd, but I'm blogging about this now because I'm off to a good start and I want to keep it up dammit!!!!
Now if I could just win the lottery....


Oh and did I mention I fucking love the fact that the picture below is me...in January...in a tank and on my bike. I love SoCal!!!! This is my kind of winter!

New Blog...

Ok.
I'm saying it here.
This is sort of a resolution I guess.
I'm attempting The Writers Book of Days again.
I've made it's own blog - http://jamikatblock.blogspot.com/
This is not something where brilliant blogging will happen, it's more of a practice for me. I'd like to write more, and this is a great tool to keep me writing.
So if you're looking to read some random jibberish (Although you get that here too).
Enjoy.
I'll do my best!
2012 - This is a start!

2011 Recap...

Well, here we are. December 31st, 2011.
I went back and read my last year's recap blog and found not too much difference. I was just starting the road to change, which I have faithfully stuck to the entire 2011. Much slower than I had hoped, but changing none the less. I won’t recap too much, as I usually blog about the highlights throughout the year.
This year started out lovely. I had a small PJ party at my house to bring in the New Year. 2 of my favorite ladies stayed over and we got bagels in our PJ's on New Year's Day. The next day, T and I headed up on a rainy day to Pasadena to look at all the floats from the parade. I was in rehearsals and opening up a show I hated - No Exit - making me question theater yet again. A group of us caught Tower of Power at Coach House which is always a phenomenal concert.
February brought the dreaded V-day, which must not have been too painful because I honestly can’t remember what I did. I was in a one night sketch show called "Love and Lack Thereof" which was a blast. Feb also brings my birthday. I hit 35, which I took a little harder than I expected. This has creeped up on me throughout the year. I had a great night tho, full of sushi fun and friends.
March brought a very important slap to the face. I came into 2011 wanting to work on changing my lifestyle and really trying to take a hard look at myself and what I could work on to finally find happiness. I've tried to quit smoking multiple times, but never actually succeeded. I found I was drinking much more throughout January and February, probably due to the fact that these are hard months for me. I don’t know why - maybe because it's usually cold, there's nothing exciting happening, V-day, my Bday, etc. Turning 35 as I mentioned was rough. Well...it all came to a head at the beginning of March. So the end of Feb/start of March I came down with what I like to refer to as the Death Flu. We've all had it. It's the cold/flu that knocks you flat on your ass for days, sometimes weeks. I had already been sick on and off as the year started with a mixture of stomach ailments and flus. We had planned a fun night out March 5th to see T in her one woman show, have dinner before and drinks after with the girls. I was crushed to be sick. I stayed home days before that and nursed myself trying to get well. The night came; I wasn’t even close to 100% but was feeling well enough to at least get out. The night brought too much drinking, and me smoking while I was still sick. At promptly 1am ish my voice left. And I mean left. I was in mid convo with people and it just stopped working. I have NEVER lost my voice like this. I laughed it off and went home realizing I'm probably just getting sicker and should get home, and oh did I. I vomited the whole next day, was hung-over and the sickness was worse than ever. I also couldnt talk. It took me weeks to recover from this, and over a week to get my voice back which was the weirdest thing ever. The slap in the face came when a photo was posted of me from that night. I saw how drunk I looked. I looked like one of those people in pictures I pity. I was mortified. But it's what I needed.
I quit smoking.
I'm not going to lie - I have a few more drinking binges after that, but they have since stopped. I have stopped that lifestyle. I can’t do it anymore. I'll still have drinks; I'll still stay out late once in a while, but no more smoking, no more over eating, no more getting drunk. And I did it! A cigarette has not touched my lips since that night. I'm still working on the eating thing, still have to be careful with the drinking thing, but it's already so much better.
April brought something else. April brought me Warrior Dash. I won’t go into detail, as I already have previously but this basically kick started my "Race Year". This also helped kick start me into staying active the rest of the year. I had so much fun, and this turned into a new drug for me. Perfectly timed as well since I'm killing my party lifestyle (Well hard core party lifestyle) and replacing it with this. April also brought Coachella - which again - no need for details but as always is an experience never to be forgotten.
May and June and July run together as this is when I got hooked on Groupon's and Living Social deals. I started signing up for all kinds of things - dance classes, workout classes, races, etc. It's what I need to stay fit, to stay active - VARIETY. This is also when I found Boxing Burn. It's a 2 night class through the city that I love. May always brings Doheny Blues Festival which is one of my favorites and my 1st ever performance in a burlesque show. Yup - I DANCED!!!! I also ditched my trainer since he wasn’t helping me out anymore and I'd rather spend my money elsewhere. He was a good kick start and help into getting me active again. This is also summer time which of course is my favorite. Anything outdoors and in the sun and I'm a happy girl. Bike riding, concerts in the parks, beach visits, etc. Such a great time of year.
August brought a plethora of races; I've blogged about every one, so I won’t go into details. I made it to the Fair this month with my dad and had our usual great time. (Although I think eating the food did me in). This is also when I attempted going back to school and tackling math and we all know where that led me.
September/October and November brought the holidays, sickness again, a mellow Halloween, my favorite race to date - the ROC Race and struggles.
Here we are on the last day of December. One bittersweet thing in this month was Theatre Uncut. It was a great political show full of some of the most talented actors. The reviews were amazing, the feedback was amazing and it was a show I was very proud of that needed to happen. With this show came some realizations about myself, people in my life and that certain politics affect me more than I thought. This show has also sparked more changes coming in my life. Christmas has come and gone. I'm not going to lie - it sucked. Christmas Eve was spent crying my eyes out over a bottle of wine alone. Christmas day brought family drama and more tears and the day after Xmas sent me crying my eyes out in a parking lot after leaving my dad’s. Yup - that nasty beast depression is looming, but don’t worry - it’s a fierce battle that I know I will conquer. I did try therapy a few months ago and didn’t care for the woman. I have an appointment with a new one next week. I will not take medication; I just need some guidance on how to kick this feeling out. I'm lonely. I know that. It's a good thing that I know that. I’m not in denial anymore. I'm also learning what hurts me most and doing my best to fight it. And not all the holidays were bad - I've had some time off and loved every second of it. Bike riding, working out, having dinner/drinks with friends. With the exception of the actual holiday it's been a decent month.
So I'm going into 2012 a little scared. Change is really hard. It's really scary. It's extremely painful. But I hope, oh do I hope, that this time next year I'll be writing about how far I've come. How happy I am. I'm working on patience. So here are the steps I'm taking. I'm writing them here so I have reference.
I'm not giving up on therapy. I'm going to continue working on the eating/drinking thing. I will continue my life as a “recovering smoker”. I have to stay active. I'm trying SO HARD to be more open to dating (But can I tell you how impossible it is to meet someone!). I’m going to be looking into a self-paced math class. I'd like to attempt that 365 days of writing book. If I do, I may start a separate blog for that. I’d like to hone my photography skills. I look forward to developing even stronger friendships with those friends who I love. The group has grown substantially smaller, but this is good. I want to keep changing for the better.
2012 - be good to me please. Come February we move into the Year of the Dragon. This is my year. I'm planning on great things.
Bring it.

Who am I...

I'm having a hard time figuring this out lately.
Since I moved back home in November of 2008, I've gone through some roller coaster phases. I fell into a pretty deep depression after the economy crashing, being unemployed and moving back home. Every time I tried to jump out of it I found myself drinking way too much, smoking way too much, and crying way too much.
A couple of pictures I saw of myself snapped me out of that.
I seem to move slowly when I try to make changes, and stumble a lot during the way. I tried to quit smoking and take better care of myself and failed. I had a better job now, I was starting to make a dent in the debt to move back out and fell down again. Car repairs. Illness. More drinking. More bad pictures. Smoking again. The start of this year seemed hopeful. I went into the New Year with a good attitude, but January and February are rough months for me. I fell down again. March was the last time I fell that hard.
I quit smoking March 5th.
I started exercising more to counter the not smoking.
When I started exercising I realized I was eating better and less.
I started really trying to figure myself out. This part has taken an odd turn.
I seem to have hit a wall. Theater is no longer a priority in my life. I still love it; I'll still act but not as much. I now pick and choose my projects.
I want to live an active lifestyle, but I don’t seem "active" enough to do so. Throw in my multiple injuries and screwy illnesses and I'm even less "active".
I have found I'm pretty decent at most things, but I'm not REALLY good at anything. This is where I feel I'm really missing something. I don’t have that "thing". So many people I know have found their "thing". Not me. I write, but I ramble mostly. I used to be a fantastic photographer, but I was old skool and shot black and white and developed it myself. This new world of digital and photo shopping and tricks, well I just don’t seem to fit in. I'm a decent actress, stronger at comedy then drama but none the less good? Not great. I can’t cook for shit, nor do I want to. Hate crafts. I've enjoyed being active again, and am super proud of the power I have back again. I'm super strong, but cardio challenged.
I think "What's my purpose?"
I have found out a few things I need to change about myself, but I don’t know how. I've realized I don’t have a tolerance for "weak" people. I never act on it, but they piss me off by no fault of their own except they are weak. I need to learn to let that go, but how? I have come to realize my constant seeking of approval from my father has affected me much worse than I thought. How do I deal with that? I see and read things about how horrible people are in our world and I lose it. I want to help the helpless (animals, children, and the elderly). They are not weak - they are helpless, and when someone hurts them I flip shit. I need to learn to fight this the right way, not get so angry and upset and let the "Irish" out.
How do I fix these things?
I've found some good things too. I'm actually not a negative person; I just have a hard time letting things go. If I can just learn to do that, I really think people will stop looking at me as negative. I have found I am good at entertaining. I make people feel better and laugh when they are down. I swear when someone laughs or smiles at something I caused, it’s a great feeling! I have also finally accepted and embraced that I'm a tomboy and feisty and have a mouth and will never be a delicate flower. I also take the time to enjoy the silly things, such as LOL Cats or DYAC. I love cute animal videos and cute animals in general. I'm embracing my dork for sure.
I did try therapy. I still may, but the gal I tried going to didn’t work out. I knew I made the right decision stopping when even she said she couldn’t help me.
Why am I writing all this here? I don’t know, maybe someone can give me some insight? I get inspired quickly and easily. I try to turn my envy into inspiration. I'm getting better at that.
I also have accepted that I am lonely. I want a companion. I don’t need to get married again, but I really want someone in my life. Don’t worry; this is a good thing because I was so closed off to the idea before. It's been so long, and I'm afraid of how long it's been. I signed up on an online dating site. Just a free one, due some nudging from friends to just see what it's like. I already don’t like it. It's weird an unnatural to me. I want to organically meet someone. Maybe I'm old fashioned that way.
I'm really trying. I'm really trying to improve myself. I try to talk less and listen more. (This is hard). I drink much less. I still have not touched a cigarette. I still exercise and keep the variety high. I don’t overeat any more. I try to think before I speak and walk away from things to cool off before regretting an action or word. I spend more time with family. I spend more time with fewer friends. I love more. I feel more. But it's just the tip. I know I have a long long way to go, and still have no idea who I am. I do feel confident I will find out, and I’m so excited to find out but I’m also impatient. :)

For Kim...

Thanksgiving has come and gone. This is always a bitter sweet time for me.
20 years ago on Thanksgiving Day a dear friend of mine, and the child she was pregnant with died in a horrific car accident. Her husband was almost paralyzed, others, including her other children, were seriously injured. The day burns in my memory like a white hot rod. I'll never forget the look on my mom's face when she got the phone call, turned and looked at me and started to cry. When I got the news I was destroyed. I was 15 years old. Already an over emotional out of control teenager. Kim was my neighbor I had developed a close friendship with and looked to her like an older sister. I babysat her children Jason and Rhea and when she was pregnant again, I was so excited to meet Karly Ann. She and her baby were taken from our world much too soon.
I also remember, soon after that we had an assignment in my drama class to write and perform a monologue. I poured my emotions into a very violent, dark monologue which consisted of my killing the man who killed my dear friend. Who crashed into their SUV with his semi-truck on a road he should have never been driving on. Who took my friends life so tragically. This was the only way I knew how to deal with it. The class was silent when I finished. I stumbled offstage in a rage of emotion. My teacher followed me out of the classroom and sat me down. He told me what I did was phenomenal. It was raw. It was real. That is my first memory of realizing I wanted to be an actor.
I can’t believe it’s been 20 years. Life is so strange that way. Time becomes an enemy. Love your friends. Love your family. Cherish your time, especially with those you love.
It took me a very very long time to get over the death of my friend. But now I look back and I'm thankful she was in my life. I'm thankful she touched me more than she will ever know. I'm thankful she pushed me towards my dream. I'm thankful I'm still in touch with her children. I'm thankful, and cried my eyes out from happiness, when I found out her daughter just gave birth to a baby girl she named Karly Hope. 20 years later. She's beautiful just like her mom, and just like Kim whose memory will live on in my heart forever.
I love you Kim and miss you every day.