Who am I...

I'm having a hard time figuring this out lately.
Since I moved back home in November of 2008, I've gone through some roller coaster phases. I fell into a pretty deep depression after the economy crashing, being unemployed and moving back home. Every time I tried to jump out of it I found myself drinking way too much, smoking way too much, and crying way too much.
A couple of pictures I saw of myself snapped me out of that.
I seem to move slowly when I try to make changes, and stumble a lot during the way. I tried to quit smoking and take better care of myself and failed. I had a better job now, I was starting to make a dent in the debt to move back out and fell down again. Car repairs. Illness. More drinking. More bad pictures. Smoking again. The start of this year seemed hopeful. I went into the New Year with a good attitude, but January and February are rough months for me. I fell down again. March was the last time I fell that hard.
I quit smoking March 5th.
I started exercising more to counter the not smoking.
When I started exercising I realized I was eating better and less.
I started really trying to figure myself out. This part has taken an odd turn.
I seem to have hit a wall. Theater is no longer a priority in my life. I still love it; I'll still act but not as much. I now pick and choose my projects.
I want to live an active lifestyle, but I don’t seem "active" enough to do so. Throw in my multiple injuries and screwy illnesses and I'm even less "active".
I have found I'm pretty decent at most things, but I'm not REALLY good at anything. This is where I feel I'm really missing something. I don’t have that "thing". So many people I know have found their "thing". Not me. I write, but I ramble mostly. I used to be a fantastic photographer, but I was old skool and shot black and white and developed it myself. This new world of digital and photo shopping and tricks, well I just don’t seem to fit in. I'm a decent actress, stronger at comedy then drama but none the less good? Not great. I can’t cook for shit, nor do I want to. Hate crafts. I've enjoyed being active again, and am super proud of the power I have back again. I'm super strong, but cardio challenged.
I think "What's my purpose?"
I have found out a few things I need to change about myself, but I don’t know how. I've realized I don’t have a tolerance for "weak" people. I never act on it, but they piss me off by no fault of their own except they are weak. I need to learn to let that go, but how? I have come to realize my constant seeking of approval from my father has affected me much worse than I thought. How do I deal with that? I see and read things about how horrible people are in our world and I lose it. I want to help the helpless (animals, children, and the elderly). They are not weak - they are helpless, and when someone hurts them I flip shit. I need to learn to fight this the right way, not get so angry and upset and let the "Irish" out.
How do I fix these things?
I've found some good things too. I'm actually not a negative person; I just have a hard time letting things go. If I can just learn to do that, I really think people will stop looking at me as negative. I have found I am good at entertaining. I make people feel better and laugh when they are down. I swear when someone laughs or smiles at something I caused, it’s a great feeling! I have also finally accepted and embraced that I'm a tomboy and feisty and have a mouth and will never be a delicate flower. I also take the time to enjoy the silly things, such as LOL Cats or DYAC. I love cute animal videos and cute animals in general. I'm embracing my dork for sure.
I did try therapy. I still may, but the gal I tried going to didn’t work out. I knew I made the right decision stopping when even she said she couldn’t help me.
Why am I writing all this here? I don’t know, maybe someone can give me some insight? I get inspired quickly and easily. I try to turn my envy into inspiration. I'm getting better at that.
I also have accepted that I am lonely. I want a companion. I don’t need to get married again, but I really want someone in my life. Don’t worry; this is a good thing because I was so closed off to the idea before. It's been so long, and I'm afraid of how long it's been. I signed up on an online dating site. Just a free one, due some nudging from friends to just see what it's like. I already don’t like it. It's weird an unnatural to me. I want to organically meet someone. Maybe I'm old fashioned that way.
I'm really trying. I'm really trying to improve myself. I try to talk less and listen more. (This is hard). I drink much less. I still have not touched a cigarette. I still exercise and keep the variety high. I don’t overeat any more. I try to think before I speak and walk away from things to cool off before regretting an action or word. I spend more time with family. I spend more time with fewer friends. I love more. I feel more. But it's just the tip. I know I have a long long way to go, and still have no idea who I am. I do feel confident I will find out, and I’m so excited to find out but I’m also impatient. :)