Welp.
Here we STILL are.
We just had the year anniversary of the 1st person who contracted COVID in the US. We're rolling up on the year anniversary here in a little over a month of when our country shut down. And here's the count as of today:
Orange County:
236K Cases 2,638 Deaths
US:
3.19m Cases 37,203 Deaths
World:
99.4M Cases 2.13m Deaths.
Awesome right.
I'm so done you guys.
Every day - wake up having massive anxiety. It has subsided a bit thanks to the CBD oil my friend sent me from Vital Body Therapy. I tried a bunch of different ones and this one seems to help me a bit, but damn.
We get tested weekly now at Chapman. So once a week I get to walk over to our health center, sometimes stand in line, fill out a form, get sent to a room where a nice nurse has me tilt my head back and they swab both nostrils. I'm always happy when I get the gentler lady as oppose to the aggressive one who seems to like to really get in there. I then go stare at my phone for the next 15-30 minutes having heart palpitations hoping they don't call me. (They only call you if you test positive). So that's a fun weekly routine. Yes, I'm grateful I work for an institution that offers this - but JESUS it's really anxiety driven ya know?!
I then wander back to my empty offices and basically empty building to work through the day, blasting music out of my computer to drown out the depressing silence and wonder if anyone else exists anymore. The two days I work from home, I do everything in my power to try to stay focused in my uncomfortable make shift work corner. It's basically impossible.
Every other week I have a Zoom "Booze Day" with 3 other co-workers that I miss dearly. It's been such a saving grace to at least have a drink and see their faces through a computer screen.
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| The pets join too sometimes! |
It's just so depressing. I feel so disconnected and alone and un-appreciated because I'm basically now the UA bitch since only "essential" peeps can come in, so my job is now doing random shit for everyone else they can't do from home. "Parking Lot Pass-Off's" is the only time I see anyone in person for a nano second behind masks from their car windows. I did see a co-worker whose on campus the other day when I picked up a check and we ended up talking for like 45 minutes. We were both just so happy to have contact with someone!
Our state is a fucking mess. Our Governor can't seem to make up his fucking mind and bounces back and forth with total shut down to sort of shut down with colored levels. But no one gives a shit. The last shut down people just kept on doing business as if there wasn't a shut down. No Outdoor Dining? Fuck you guys we're doing it anyway!!! So when he lifted the latest "Stay at Home" order it really doesn't seem like anything will change around here because no one was listening to it anyway. Plus it's so confusing! We got put on the Order because our ICU's have 0 capacity. Um....they still do?!?! Why are we re-opening? Should we have never shut down? There are no clear answers and it's making everyone confused and crazy and pissed off. Fingers are being pointed as to the reason we're skyrocketing in cases and numbers...Gatherings!! Restaurants!!! Grocery Stores!!! Not strict enough Mask stuff!!! But seriously - WTF is it?!?! Why can't someone in charge figure it out and make it fucking right!!!
The only hope in sight is vaccinations are starting to be distributed all over. They have a couple of big pods where people can go, but it's also a bit of a shit show at the moment because of course everyone is super overwhelmed. Apparently the app to make appointments sucks. It's a nightmare to get through, etc etc. It's just over 65, healthcare workers and first responders on the list right now but still. It sounds like a mess. Hopefully that will get under control soon?
We also have a new president. THANK GAWD. I know things can't get fixed over night, but just hearing normal press briefings, seeing Fauci's face back up there and an administration that's listening to science and doctors and saying - "Yeah....we gotta fix this shit" is hopeful. But damn there is a long way to go. I saw posts of so many of my people crying with joy and excitement and happiness during last weeks inauguration but honestly I'm still having PTSD from the last 4 years and until shit starts actually changing I just can't cry tears of joy yet. I will say this though - watching a woman be sworn in as VP did make me happy. The fashion was amaze-balls. Lady Gaga's side eye to Pence was brilliant. The Bernie image (which is all of us) was glorious. It was a good day. But still - let's see it happen right?!
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| Pretty cool... |
I'm trying so hard to be safe, but to keep my mental health on track, but to be respectful, but to do the right thing, but you guys - IT'S EXHAUSTING. I have friends who have not left their house since March. I have friends who judge people who do. I have friends who honestly seem a bit careless. I have friends who say you should do this and not that and this is right and that is wrong and how dare you! But you know what? I'm at the point where this is no right or wrong. I mean yes - be safe. Wear a mask. But if you have to visit people for your mental health - do it. I'm sorry if some think that's wrong, but there are those of us in this world who NEED SOCIAL INTERACTION. I wear a mask. I keep my distance and keep the visits outside. But even my therapist has told me - do it - be safe but do it. You need to. I miss all my social interactions because I had many and will again, but there are a few I just need to see now. So I do. Safely. But it's just a couple. I still see a lot virtually but it's just not the same. But it's needed for sure and godamn if I'm not grateful that we have the ability in today's age to do just that. Thank you Zoom and FaceTime!
Pat and I were trying to still have date nights on Friday nights, but it's just not the same ya know? We're home. We tried dressing up a few times even though we were at home, but it gets old fast. I never realized how much going out was such a thing. My brother and sis in law did sign us up for a Murder Mystery thing you do at home with clues and internet, etc but the damn thing was so hard we ended up getting super frustrated. It was fun at first and talk about a weird way to bond....getting pissed off but not at each other. Ha!
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| My hottie smart boyfriend |
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| It started out fun! |
Lately we've kind of started a park trend. We try to get out once a weekend with the kiddo to a park so she can ride her bike, we can take the dog and I can geocache! It's been a really nice excursion and we've found a whole bunch of new parks which is also very cool!
I'm super grateful to not be living in the caboose anymore. I can't tell you how amazing it is to be warm!!! I've got back into my morning stretch routine. I try to get out and hike or walk every day if I can. I'm trying to work meditation back into my life. I'm sending more mail which seems to bring people joy and me. We're all trying.
It's tough though. Major fatigue is setting in. I'm so hoping we see a legitimate light at the end of the tunnel real soon. Never in a million years did I think I'd be writing blogs like this. For a damn year now. Hang in there my friends! All we can do is just weather this storm together. Love to everyone!
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