Its all comin to a head...

These last few weeks have been tough. Today is the 1st day I'm physically feeling it. The nagging twinge in my lower right side of my back, the throbbing bruises, the exhaustion.
I'm leaving most of my furniture/appliances/kitchenware to the roomie. No need for me to take it and he can use it. When the time comes I'll sell it to him, toss it or store it. Most likely the 1st two. There's really nothing I want to keep anymore.
I spent a day climbing like a monkey on my counter tops, going thru all my cabinets, packing up most my wine glasses, my coffee mugs, shot glasses. Leave the plates, the silverware all the cookware. I took my wine opener and left him one as well. I spent another day going through the living room, all the drawers, the computer desk - taking my candles, kitch, random things I love. My pictures. Thanks to Rose/Mel - my garage was cleaned out and organized. I took all my Halloween decoration to mom's. I"ve made a total of about 8 or 9 trips to mom's by myself, my truck loaded with boxes. Lifting, moving, feeling like the all powerful woman I think myself to be, but not feeling like it currently.
I went thru my backyard and took the more girly yard decor. I gave alot of plants to Rose, and Sharyn and Stephen. There's a few left here roomie promises not to kill.
I made $72 at my impromtu garage sale last Saturday. Thanks to Rose showin up before the sun came up and being one of the best wheeler/dealers I've ever seen. Mom came later and we loaded the remains into my truck and I took it to Salvation Army.
I purchased a 2nd kitty carrier so I can transport the girls at the same time. They worry me most. I hope they adapt and are ok.
T came over today and we packed up my bedroom. All my books, kitch, hats, random shit. We laughed at the ridiculous amount of mini gift books I have and of course hats. "I've gotten rid of some of my beanies, I swear!".
I called utilties today and switched them over to roomies name. My room is full of boxes and echoy and bare now. The big move is Friday. I have 5 trucks if all show up, I'm hoping we can do it in one trip. I'll get the room somewhat set up, then come back to Costa Mesa to get the girls. Saturday I'll come back again to take the last load to Salvation Army, to go to the cable company store with roomie to switch it over, and to vacume and clean my empty room so new roomie can move in.
I sat down on the couch tonight and cried. I wrote a blog on myspace and cried. Its starting to hit me. I've lived in Costa Mesa for 10 years. I worked at Opera Pacific for 10 years. I've had a job since I was 12. I'm starting over.
Its scary. Its exciting. Its sad. I'm having so many different emotions right now my head feels like its going to explode. I have plans. My grandparents desparately need me right now. I'm going to help mom get her life somewhat on track too. Family is priority. We're helping each other. Once I'm settled, I'll be signing up on all kinds of casting websites, hitting up my contacts, starting to network and really try to audition and find an agent. I want to take some writing classes so I can actually try to write a book. I forgot how much I loved photography until I was packing up my ridiculous amount of photography books, all my old photos and portfolios I started years back. Now I have a beautiful new camera I need to learn and start again. I'll eventually hit the pavement and get another day job, but not yet. Its bad times anyway. Hiring freezes, layoffs, shitty economy. No one is safe and nothing is stable. The entertainment industry is still booming tho, so why not try now. And thats what I'm going to do.
But I"ll tell ya readers - I'm so sad, and I'm going to miss this place so much. I"ve had ups and downs with the roomie. I'll miss him dearly, and he'll miss me. I love this little bungalow. I love that I can walk to sushi, liquor store or more. I love that I can ride my bike to the beach. I love that Costa Mesa is the cutest little city. I loved having my own place. I've been independant for over 10 years. Yes - this is temporary - but its still hard as hell and it rips at my heart strings. I'll cry alot more the next few days I"m sure. But its ok. I'm crying away the old life, and starting my new one. Its my time now. Its time for Jami to flourish and dammit - do I intend to!

One more thing...

Ok, I really do need to keep bloggin about this shit, because its not getting to the point of so fucking ridiculous its becoming almost amusing. God love my friends too. T's phone call last nite, M's comment on my facebook - "WTF Universe! Leave Jami alone!". I laughed harder then I've laughed in a while reading that one. NO shit right??!!!
So last night I"m driving home from a day taking care of gramma & papa (Helping them out is going to be stressfull/interesting/and will probably make for some good bloggin later....). I'm on the 55fwy, talking to my mom. I'm tired, stressed...something catches my eye - "CHECK GAGES". I noticed my temp gage is in the red. I of course look about 10 more times to make sure I"m seeing it right. I hang up with mom - and honest to god - I think I had my 1st panic attack.
Little side note - I hate cars. I dont understand them. They scare me. When shit goes wrong with cars I hate it. This is where I admit - I am not independant and very very girly - cars. They are big giant creatures with engines and wires and could blow up or catch fire made of tin, etc etc. Maybe this stems from my 1996 car accident but I HATE CARS. They freak me out.
I'm in the fast lane of course, so I'm starting to panic thinking my car is going to literally catch fire. I hear my dad's voice over and over in my head "Dont ever drive when your car is overheating!!!" (My mom, god love her, drove all the way home once smoking and I guess majorly f-ed up her pinto) I finally get over to the side of the Bristol onramp. I'm shaking, heart racing, stomach hurting.
I call mom. I swear I revert back to child hood sometimes. I'm talking to her as cars are whooshing past me. (Please let them seem my hazards blinking!!!) She tells me to hang up and get the hell off the fwy. I do realize I'm in a very dangerous spot. So I start my car up and drive off the fwy, shaking and praying my car doesnt catch fire. I pull off into the 1st parking lot I can - E*Trade. I hop out my car and smell burning.
I call AAA - they cant fix it or look at it but they'll tow it. Fine. The nice man comes and tows my car home. "Bad Night eh?" he asks. "You dont even know the half of it" I mutter. As we drive to my house in his giant tow truck, my little chevy bouncing behind us. "So what else is happenin with you thats so bad?" He asks. "I got laid off Friday from my job I worked at for 10 years.". "Oh man! I'm so sorry!" We then go into the usual discussion of how shitty our economy is, and how many other people we know that are getting laid off, etc.
He drops my car off, my neighbor comes up to me..."Your battery again!!??" (Side note - about a month ago in the midst of all this job shit, I had a AAA day literally - car dying 3 times, man putting new battery in half of one Saturday, my neighbors of course watching). "No - it overheated". She says she'll drive me around from now on. Ha ha.
I come inside, my stomach reeling. The boy calls, he's sympathetic, T calls totally cheers me up. I feel better, I take a bath, I take a big breath and quietly ask the Universe - "Please, please dont throw me anymore".
So - just had my little baby towed to the Chevy Dealer - lets hope for a cheap fix eh?

Fuzzy/Foggy/Forward...

Yesterday was my 1st day getting up and not having a job. Ever. Its weird. Its weird today.
I filed for unemployment yesterday, paid some bills. 10 days from now I get another application that I then have to apparently mail back. All I hope is I can make it to that 1st unemployment check. I have nightmares about moving, working, so much. My mind is full of a million things. I'm moving forward but its fuzzy and foggy and weird. I'm moving home with mom. I'm trying to schedule times with friends, siblings to help me with the process. Help with organizing, help with moving, help with wrapping my head around the whole thing. Its weird. I figured I'd pause a second and blog part of whats going thru my head.
I need to tackle the garage. I dont even know whats out there. Most will be thrown away or set up for a garage sale. Oh - I have to have a garage sale. I need to get some cash so I'll have change when people come hopefully buy my junk. When should I have a sale? Every weekend until I leave? Maybe just Sat. Hell whenever I actually do it. I'm going to leave my Xmas and Halloween decorations. Maybe roomie will want to use them. Thats all I want to leave in that garage.
My house, most stays - on loan basically to roomie. I will take my antique table tho. I dont trust it with boys. Everything else will probably stay, no need to pay for storage. Roomie can use it anyway. Jesus I didnt realize that 98% of whats in this place is mine. I have to move my room - everything in there. I have to figure out how to make it fit into a room half its size. Lord. I'll need a vacume that works so I can leave it clean for the new roomie who will take my place.
I'm so worried about the girls. They are going to freak out. They've never met a dog - Smokie is harmless, but still. Mom has another cat too - mostly outside but still. I'll have to really watch them more due to the fact that over protective mommy keeps them indoors. They may be locked in my old bedroom often. I hope they adapt ok. I'm so worried.
I've emailed fellow actor friends who are pursuing the LA scene. I've gotten info, advice, setting up times to meet with them to pick thier brains and give this a whirl for a few months. Of course this is all pending that umemployment will cover my bills.
Gramma is already dependent on me. I was assuming it'd be after I move home. No. They need me now. I'm taking Papa to the Dr. today actually. I think Gramma wants me to run errands for her tomorow. I'm going to have to figure all this out.
I've got to get off book for my show Love Song. I havent even looked at the script. I have the smallest part! Yet I havent even picked it up. I have to get on that. Now.
I've given Sharyn all the RG board stuff, this is good. I did that last nite - that is one thing off my chest. One less worry. I'm giving alot of plants to her and Ludwig - I think they'll take good care of them and it'll add to thier garden and I wont be here to tend to them.
I dont know when I'm actually going to move - maybe Nov 29? Whatcha all doin that day? I want to be ready to just move stuff over - then I"ll stay there. My last nite in my little bungalow in Costa Mesa that I"ve loved so much. Its going to be hard. Its going to be weird. It already is.
The whole last week at OP I felt like I was in a bad dream. Felt surreal, felt weird. That still hasnt gone away. Its just so strange. I just feel strange.
I believe I"m handling it surprisingly well tho. I havent cried as much as I thought. Just been worried and I'm so tired because I cant sleep at all because my mind is going going going. I think of little stupid things. SO much. I"m trying to make this good. Make this positive. Make this less difficult. I'm ignoring the fact that I'm giving up my independance. Its only temporary. Thank GAWD I have a mom whose like a best friend. Thank GAWD living with her wont make me want to kill myself. She's great, it'll be fun, it'll be temporary.
This will be my break. This is the life change I"ve been wanting. Godammit it better all work out!

The party...

One of our bosses invites us over to her house Thursday night as a sort of "Goodbye" party. Sounds awful right? It is.
I'm the 3rd to arrive. I give her the 2 bottles of wine I just picked up at High Times. Her house is amazing. Huge, beautiful. She explains all the redecorating they've done, how this used to be a garage and is now a family room, etc etc. I'm starting to not really feel too bad for her being laid off....I think she'll be fine. I meet her 2 lovely dogs. She's telling me about the house, I"m downing my wine. Everyone else starts to arrive.
Its awkward. Of course it is. We all stand around drinking and trying to make conversation. Mostly talking jobs, what people are doing now, etc. I realize only 1 other employee has a couple of interviews lined up. Seems like the rest of us are just fucked. I start asking 2 of them about the unemployment process. It sounds dreadful and long. Great. I'll be doing this on Monday.
I find myself chatting with our prez and his wife. They've been to a couple of RG shows, so I'm filling them in on my next one and the upcoming Our Town. The conversation then takes a wicked turn. He's livid. He starts ripping on a couple of the board members and how they could have saved us and politics got in the way and on and on and on. I cant blame his anger - hell I agree with him. But it hurt to hear. I had known, but it was sad. This board member I thought was one of our saving graces, someone who cared about us, etc. I find out all these years its not true. We almost got completley nothing. It was a couple of other board members that got us to hold off a bit so we could go down gracefully and at least get our vacation paid out. Jesus. He's so angry.
I move on to another conversation, finding myself babbling about nothing. I"m asked how it is at work right now. I tell people how quiet and weird and miserable and surreal it is. I then find myself in the kitchen with the production boys. There's about 4 of us, we stay together the rest of the night. Drinking alot. We go outside, smoke and bitch and laugh. We're out there when the party is coming to an end a little before 10pm. I run in and get my purse saying my goodnights and thank yous.
5 of us girls end up talking in the street for another half hour. I'm babbling thru my wine haze, we're all just shocked and sad and tired. We all promise to keep in touch. We've all exchanged emails. Etc Etc Etc.
The whole night was so strange. There was anger, laughter, tears, shock. This is such an odd situation. A company thats been around since 1986 or so. An opera company. We are (or were) one of the top 20 opera companies in the US. This is a horrid death. So many people are now jobless and shocked and sad and hurt. Its just so odd.
I come home realizing I'll never see most of these people again.

The Last Days...

This has been one of the longest weeks of my life.
Monday night the staff filed into the board meeting and heard the words we were all dreading. A couple of respected board members pleaded with the others to raise even more money so the company could at least go down gracefully. I got up and walked out. I felt the eyes on my back as I stormed out of the rehearsal room, shoes clocking hollowly. I went outside. I was shocked. I didnt understand. Did I just hear what I thought I heard? Another co-worker came out, livid. "We get nothing!!! We get fucking nothing!!!" She leaves. My heart sinks, I start to cry. I make a few calls. I hear another co-worker on his phone near me. "I"m out of a job! I dont know what I"m going to do!" he shouts into his phone. Its all so surreal. That night I dont sleep well, I'm sick to my stomach and have nightmares. Tomorow is my last day.
Tuesday morning we all file into the middle room for the awful staff meeting. Our prez looks horrible. He tells us what most of us heard last nite. He chokes up. Another boss invites us to her house Thur nite for a pizza party, but cant get the entire sentence out due to her choking up. The other 2 bosses lower thier heads, tears falling onto the table. Some of the staff sniffles, its silent and weird for a few moments. Prez tells us how fucked we are. But then prez also tells us that one of our donors will be paying us each 2 weeks pay - as a personal gift. No write off for him, no nothing. This makes me cry. At least one of our board members cares. Prez explains when we get our final checks to cash them immediatley. Jesus. We all return to our desks and begin to pack up our personal stuff. It amazes me how 10 years fits into one little box. E and I wait and wait, then my boss says "You two are actually coming back tomorow". Oh. We get our checks and fly to the bank. We go to a different branch then the other staff members apparently. We feel like criminals while cashing our checks. It becomes somewhat funny. My gal looks closely at the check "Opera Pacific?" she says? "Oh god," I think "She knows, their going to stop us an not give us our money!" She goes into a story about someone I work with, and starts just chatting the afternoon away. I smile and nod and try to be pleasant but the whole time I"m just praying for her to give me my cash. E finishes and we bolt out the door. "That was horrrifying!" E shouts. "I know!!!". We return to the office and hear the even funnier story of about 10 employees going to the same branch at the same time. Thank goodness the bank just looked the other way I suppose. We meet with our health insurance lady who gives us individual options. She brings us suckers. She tells us she's had more situations like this in the past few months then in her entire career. Ugh. Fucking economy. I leave with my box of belongings. I come home and watch the elections. Its so strange, I havent even thought about them. Our last day is the same day as the elections. WTF. Its strange. I then watch history made when Obama becomes president. Yet I'm numb. Election reaction blog later. That night I dont sleep eithier, nightmares again, sick to my stomach now thinking Wed is my last day.
Wed is weird. There is now only a skeletal staff there. 8 of us. 3 bosses, 5 staff. Its quiet. Its bare, no more pictures, personal stuff, its sooooo quiet. E and I look at each other and no words are needed, we understand. Its hit the press, calls are coming in. E cant answer the phone till she can knows what the next step is. I get mailings prepared, reports run. We then wait. And wait. I cancel my Dr. appt. We wait. Its like sitting in a tomb waiting. Bosses are in meetings, we wait. My boss comes up to me again. "You guys are here tomorow....maybe Fri too". Jesus. E and I leave. That night I sleep a bit better, because I know my last day is now Fri.
Thursday, again so much waiting around. We're waiting for the letters we need to mail out to our people. E has been dealing with phone calls so gracefully, explaining that people will get a letter explaining what to do with tix, etc. I"ve got the tax letters done and out, just need my letter. Its so quiet. Its honestly like a bad dream. It doesnt feel real. I call my landlord, explain the situation, I cry when he tells me what a great tenant I've been. I leave for lunch, I go to my favorite place and bring the food back to my favorite park. I eat alone for the last time, staring out at the lake, watching the ducks, eating my fave sandwich. This was a normal lunch for me. I loved eating at this park. I drive away feeling a pang in my heart. I return to the office. I"m back tomorow for the last time. We lose 2 more staff members. Tonite is the pizza party - that will be another blog. That night I again dont sleep, have nightmares and sick to my stomach. Tomorow really is my last day.
Friday comes theres now just 6 of us. I"m so tired and emotionally raw. We all find ourselves in one persons office at one point, and I shout "Its the whole staff!!!" trying to lighten the mood. We laugh. We finally have our letters and we start the process. We're all on auto pilot. We get to a point where I have to leave to drop off at the post office. This will be it. My boss gives me my final paperwork. She hugs me so tightly crying so hard. She trys to talk but cant. I cry into her shoulder. She finally steps back and looks at me. "Do you know how amazing you are?! You do know this right!!!?" I just nod thru my tears. She hugs me again. I pull away and say "You'll be calling me next week". She laughs. 3 will remain next week, but they've all said I"ll be getting calls needing help. E said she may call just to put me on speaker to have someone to talk too. I smile and go to my desk and close up. As I walk away I stop and stare at my little corner. 10 Years. I feel it. I feel it for the 1st time. This is it.
I drive away to the post office, fighting tears. I then go to the bank to cash my final check. The woman smiles at me sympathetically and explains her "OHM" necklace, asking if I know what that means. I go home. After a couple of calls, I cry. I cry for a long time. I've been invited to go out to a few different events, but I bow out of all. I cry again. I need tonite. Tonite to grieve.
Roomie comes home. I"m on the couch. Numb. He trys to chat, I barely answer. He does the dishes. This makes me laugh, I know he's trying to help. I go thru half a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I finish off all my wine. Roomie puts in "Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia". "Your going to love this", he says "Its funny and we're going to watch it and laugh". We do. I think we watch about 5 episodes. I do love it and its hilarious. We chat, laugh, I now have a wine fuzz and a tummy ache from chips and ice cream. I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.
Its Sat morning.
Its over.

While waiting for the axe to fall...

Well today is strange.
Barber of Seville closed on Saturday. We are not of course to move foward with anything. Our bosses are in a meeting. There's a big board meeting tonite to decide. Its like today we're all on hold. I'm assuming tomorow we'll come into work to a big meeting with a big announcement. Please pray that I get severance. Right now that seems to be the only thing I can hope for.
So I reached my limit on Friday.
You all know and have read whats been going on with OP the past month or so. How dreadful its been working here, not knowing, etc etc. So there's that.
I have not found another job. It seems like the entire world is on a hiring freeze. I apply for jobs I'm absolutley perfect for and I dont get it. So folks it looks like this 32 year old divorcee thats still paying off the ex-asshole's debt, who wants to be an artist, who fought and tried so godamn hard for all these years is moving back home with mom.
I have lost my battle.
This hurts. It hurts alot.
I want people to understand - this isnt just a "Losing my job". This is a job I've had for 10 years. This is causing me to move back home with my mom. This is causing me to completly uproot my life. I dont even want to begin to think about the actual process of moving from my adorable little bungalow in Costa Mesa to one room in Orange in mom's house. Oh - with my 2 cats by the way.
Not only is the whole thing suck - but just being here. I'm listening to my coworker on the phone right this second talking to moving companies because she's having to move to Nashville. I would honestly never wish anyone to go through something like this.
My Papa had a stroke on Thursday. He's 93. I love him so much it makes my heart ache when I think it. Mom and I were at the hospital Thursday and Friday. I hate seeing him like that. So weak. So confused. This is Papa. This is the man made of steel. He's home now and doing ok, but Thur/Fri were hard.
I was sitting in the hospital room with mom and papa. Mom was starting to fret about the party and how were we going to get it together in time. Mom stayed at grandma's house last nite to be with her. She made a few of the items for the party. While we were sitting there she got a call from grandma's caregiver (A lovely woman who comes by a couple of days a week). She threw away mom's jello brain. She thought it was a bad mold. She apologized profusely. Mom hung up and started crying. I watched her lose it. I watched her reach her limit. Thats when alot of you got the global txt from me asking to bring snacks along with you to the party.
Grandma and Robin (Caregiver) arrived at the hospital. Mom and I left to see what we could get done. 2 hours later we got a call that Papa was released. Thank God. He's ok, but we're keeping an eye on him.
This sent Mom and I into a turmoil of trying to get ready for the party. Shane helped, mom's friend came over as well. We ran around but we got it done.
There was a point I sat down. I took a long drag of my cig. I reached my limit. I felt like I was on drugs. Nothing was real. I felt fuzzy. My emotions are raw. I feel like an open wound that cant quite heal.
Melita arrives, makeup begins, party begins - I forget for a while. So many people brought food, everyone looked fabulous, we all had a wonderful time. People checked in with me, hugged me, asked how I was. I never talked about it, never got to into it. I couldnt. I'd lose it. At 3am I checked on the boy past out in the extra room - soon to be mine again. I spent about an hour cleaning up. Not thinking. When I laid down I stared at the window. My old bedroom window. The window I grew up looking out of and I started to cry. I'll be looking out this window again soon. I cried and I cried. The boy didnt know, he was out. I didnt sleep at all.
When I got up Sat, my eyes ached. My head screamed in pain. My body was a mess. I've reached my limit.
I resigned from the RG board yesterday. It hurt my heart a bit to do so, but I had to with the uncertainty of my life. They understood. They'll miss me, but they understand. I'm not leaving the company tho and I have Love Song I'm starting to work on tonite. But board commitments are too much.
I've reached my limit.
I feel strange. I feel off. Its just not right.
Please dont tell me everything happens for a reason. Please dont tell me it will all work out. I know all this. But right now is not the time.
I consider myself a strong person. I know the universe wont ever give you more then you can handle. But please. I beg you. Dont give me anymore. I just cant take it.