Easing back in...

Well ladies and gentleman - it's official. I have slowed down. I got the green light from the neurologist. I'm still dealing with some health stuff, but I'm pretty much back to normal. So I think - I'm going to ease back in. Yes ease. Yes I promised my father I wouldn’t push it. Yes I laughed when an email was sent around at my work advertising free kickboxing classes and my co-worker emailed back JUST SAY NO TO KICKBOXING with a smiley face. Yes the second I say I plan on (insert activity here) I get an eyebrow raise. But trust me folks - my body will not let me push too hard. I'm not going to lie, I get frustrated at how hard things are right now. But I am aware I'm not just dealing with being a few months out of shape, I'm dealing with one hell of a hit to my body. When someone says to me "Jami, it was only 3 months ago you almost fucking died!". Well when you put it that way.... So no - I'm not leaping back into my old workout routine I'm easing back in. It's harder but you know what - It still feels GREAT! I love how I feel when I'm active again. I've noticed I've been tired and out of sorts and I know this is because I'm not in a regular active routine, but I'll get there again. I'm really enjoying what I'm doing right now though! I signed up for a two week yoga trial, and once I get an answer/direction on this motion intolerance/vertigo situation I plan on signing up and attending regularly. It's called Sunspark yoga and they just opened up in the Orange Circle. It's perfect. It's close. The teachers are lovely. I've been taking walks on the weekends with my friend down at Crystal Cove. It's a brisk walk and we walk about 3 miles. It's of course gorgeous down there and I don’t mind driving down there at all. I still ride my bikes. It's a little harder, but I know this will take some time. I rode my beach cruiser to the Circle last weekend and on my way back I had to stop halfway up the freeway hill because my heart was racing faster than I've felt it in a long time. I calmly stopped, drank some water and reminded myself it was a million degrees outside as well. As I felt the blood rushing through my veins I couldn’t help but have a slight pause and think "Well, if my brain was going to pop again this would be the moment" All was well of course so I figure I'm for sure ok now! (Yes, I know a little dark humor). I also took a nice ride with another friend of mine on the Santa Ana River Trail with my other bike and it felt great. Was tough but felt amazing. I also just took my first hike in a long time. A friend of mine mentioned Peter's Canyon and I realized this is one of those places I always say I'll go to and just never have. With this new found "Just do it" attitude I nailed her for an afterwork hike. It was absolutely beautiful! She is quite active and I had to work hard to keep up with her. We were chatting the whole time but I found myself heaving between words when we were huffing up a hill. Sweat was literally pouring down my face and body and I was worried it was going to damage my nice camera. I laughed as I kept wiping myself down with my tank top. When we finally peaked I felt amazing. It was hotter than Hades and I was struggling to catch my breath but it felt so good to really get in a good workout. We took the flatter path on the way back to be careful with my just getting back into it, but I'm confident we can push a bit more the next time. I wasn’t that sore the next day at all. It just felt so good to be really physical again without pushing too hard. We plan on doing this every Wednesday after work until the time changes and my only regret is I never did this sooner. I mean here is this gorgeous piece of land not too far from my place and I've just never gotten around to getting over here. Crystal Cove is a just a freeway hop away and I never got down there much either. This is changing. I plan on getting out and getting more workouts in nature. I've always loved it, just been too lazy to find it. When my Crystal Cove walking buddy has her baby and is ready to get back into exercise again we'll be pushing ourselves even more as well. I'm thrilled and it feels great. I really do love to sweat! :) Nice view on our Crystal Cove walk:

Sometimes we walk along the beach:

Some shots of Peter's Canyon. The start of our hike:

A halfway point. Gorgeous view:

Our peak!

A little friend joined us:

Yup - we walked that!

A little jazz...

The 2nd Monday of every month at Steamers in downtown Fullerton a group of guys and my friend Shan perform. They call themselves Big Band 2000. Calling ahead of time for reservations is encouraged as they do pack you in like sardines. You may find yourself sharing a table with strangers. I love music. Most music. I especially love live music. Awhile back my friend told me she was singing with this group and invited me to come check it out. I did and loved it. I brought my dad with me the next time knowing he would love it which he did. It's a group of mostly old guys, there are a few younger ones but I don’t think anyone is under 35/40. The main guy chats in between songs and tells you stories. He also does a "Blast from the Past" portion where he gives you hints on what the song is and then they play it wanting you to guess. Last night was a version of "Something" by the Beatles. This is a group of guys who love to play. You can tell. They joke with each other, they know what they are doing and they are an extremely talented bunch of guys. Shan usually is called to sing a couple of times, usually 2 songs than 2 again later. They play two sets each night, the first one starting at 8pm. I usually only stay for the 1st set since it is a Monday night but for those night owls there is another one after that. They play jazz, big band and once in a while some oldies. My faves of Shan is when she sings Fever and All of Me. She's wonderful and charismatic and meant to be doing this. The crowd is all ages but a good amount are older folk. There are also the regulars that I see every time I go. They are adorable and remind me of my Papa. I wish I could bring my Papa to this actually because I know he would just love it. There is a regret. Why did I not know about this when my Papa was able to come out and enjoy it. These, among many others, are the reasons I don’t want to let life just pass me by. Last night was great night. I got there early, ordered my dinner and a glass of wine and waited for my dad and his wife to show. My friend T joined us after that. More food and booze were ordered and we settled in to watch the show. The bar filled instantly with the sound of brass drowning out anything else. People started bobbing their heads and tapping their feet. They always feature solos during the songs and as per usual the guys tear it up. I love watching the trombone, the sax players are so damn expression able, the drummer is perfectly on key, there is a fantastic pianist and of course Shan captivates the audience when she joins in. I adore this band. They are fun, talented and just makes you feel like you are back in the goldie oldie days listening to some jazz. I closed my eyes a few times and pictured myself in 1950 or something, in an old dark bar when life was slower and simpler. I wonder what it would have been like. Shan gets up for her 2nd set and pays a lovely tribute to me. I had requested she sing Fever a few days ago, but didn’t expect what she did. She pointed me out and told the crowd about my hemorrhage and that my body went to sleep for a while when I was bed ridden and how I came back and survived. She mentioned they almost lost me and she is so glad I was there and that Fever was for me. Everyone turned and looked to see who I was, my dad pointed me out and threw is arm around me in a tight hug. Tears welled up in my eyes. I smiled and blushed and gave a goofy wave. I'm constantly reminded how grateful I am to be here and I cherish each moment. I brought along camera as I'm trying to do much more now and tried to take low lighting shots. They aren’t the best, but I'm experimenting! If you find yourself looking for some great music in a great atmosphere then get yourself down to Steamers and check out Big Band 2000. They are a hoot and a talented one at that!

Crystal Cove and a Triathalon...

I have lived in SoCal my entire life and have never explored Crystal Cove. I used to eat at the Shake Shack (Now Ruby’s) and I drive by it all the time. There's a state park with walks and hikes and a tunnel that goes under PCH to the beach. There is also a quirky little tiny town there that has a restaurant called Beachcomber. I've seen the colorful houses but didn’t realize exactly what it was. I suck. I mean seriously - how have I missed this. So - my friend Nat and I have been taking walks there as I mentioned in my previous blog. She and her man have a pass that gets you into all the State Parks for free. They both like to hike/walk so they felt it was worth it to invest in a pass. I'm starting to consider this myself since I never get to State Parks and this would really kick my ass even more to go. Once baby has arrived and Nat is feeling up to it, we'll start hiking which I'm quite excited to check out. This will be right around the time I can probably handle that as well. But for now we have been walking along the paved path (which we walk a long ways and it has a quite many hills mind you) every now and again. It's always gorgeous of course and you all know how much I love the ocean. So, today my friend R and her hubs were in a triathlon in this same area. I had mentioned it to Nat but it was a bit too early for her. She told me it was exactly where we walk and the place I was thinking of parking was where we had parked the last time we had attempted a hike (I never made it due to motion barfies). I've always wanted to be a spectator at a race and here was a perfect chance. I could support my friend and see what this was all about. Especially a triathlon. I can pretty confidently say a triathlon is never in my future. I'm completely ok with this. I love my obstacle races and my strengths lay in other areas. My knee and my lungs will not allow me to run like that. Let alone swim! Good lord. But not my friend - she's incredible. I've watched her improve drastically over the last year or so doing larger races, conquering her fear, pretty much rocking it. If I'm not mistaken this particular triathlon was her very 1st one. So this time she was here ready to smoke it. Which she did. Um - 1st place in her age group. What's up badass. So here's the spectator triathlon virgin's viewpoint: I woke up in the dark. I don’t do this often. This is ass early. I did enjoy looking at the stars as I groggily climbed into my truck this morning and the sky was starting to turn that rich purply color. Off I went. I arrived in no time, found the parking lot I researched and parked. As I walked through the lot I realized how unfamiliar I was with the whole area. I'm usually with Nat who knows the area quite well. So I asked a couple of old guys working the employee lot how I get to the race. They said to follow the path down and under PCH and it will take you there. This was not exactly the case. I considered going back for my tennis shoes but figured it can’t be that far. So I headed down. The path split and I stood there a minute wondering which way to go. Luckily I picked correctly and came upon an awesome tunnel:

Again - WHY HAVE I NEVER BEEN DOWN HERE! I considered taking a fun self-portrait but two girls appeared behind me so I kept walking. I wandered into the little tiny Crystal cove town. The old buildings are all different colors and I felt like I had shot back to the 1960's and dropped into a random beach town. So cool! I wanted to take more photos but started realizing I didn’t see any race people. I wandered to the beach, passing the Beachcomber and thinking - "Ooooh! I'll eat there and get my parking validated when the race is done!". Empty beach. No racers. It's about 6:10 now and R has told me she starts at 7:30. I turn around and see a huge rickety staircase leading up to PCH area. I head up. I find myself on the pathway that Nat and I walk. I stand there for a moment looking both ways. Which the hell direction is the race!? A lovely woman asked me if I was looking for the race and pointed me in the right direction. Yay! I started walking. And walking. And walking. The entire time I'm walking I'm cursing the fact that I'm wearing my sandals and not my walking shoes. And I forgot my sunblock! Walking. Walking. I would worry I wasn’t going the right way but a couple of people fell in front of me that looked like race folk so I followed them. Walking. Walking. Good Lord I walked for days. I finally came upon another parking lot that was filled with racers and saw the giant Muscle Milk blow up arch thing. I wander into the area and start to look around. I think the swim is 1st, so I better find the ocean because that is where I'll probably find R. I see a group of people walking towards somewhere so I fall in behind. I pass the parking lot filled with bicycles. Pretty cool! I see the people disappear. There's a huge hill going down to the beach. I mean a HUGE HILL. I ease down it trying not to let my knee bark and throw of my sandals when I hit the sand. I see a crowd down the beach. WAY DOWN the beach! I pause a moment when I see the Swim Finish sign and wonder if I should just wait here. I glance at the time and its 7:15. I want R to know I'm here so I decide to try and find her in the group of people. I walk briskly down beach and realize I won’t have to work out later! Yay! This is my kind of workout. I start walking up to women in hot pink caps and apologizing when they look at me like a crazed stalker. I finally find her. She looks amped and excited. She tells me Adam is about to start and I turn and snap a picture:

I also start noticing the very attractive men around me and start to turn into that lame shy giggly girl. His wave takes off and I can’t help but get caught up in the excited energy that fills the air! I hoop and holler and take another shot!

I'm completely caught up at this point and R joins her wave of hot pink gals. She looks confident and excited. I can’t stop smiling and neither can she:

The horn goes off and I find myself screaming and cheering. I try to catch a photo but unfortunately I have learned that other spectators are not as friendly as I am and I get elbowed in the head so no shot of R running, but I caught the girls heading out.

As I watch these athletes tear into the water I'm amazed. It takes everything in my being to just get out past the waves and here they go tearing out and then swimming in the ocean!!! I stand there in awe and snap another shot.

I then trek back down the beach to the Swim Finish. I find a spot and get yelled at by the lifeguard - I was apparently too close to his truck. So I moved to the other side because I felt like a child in trouble at school. I saw the 1st gal come out of the water. I start to get my camera ready and find myself squinting in the sunlight trying to figure out how I'm going to tell which one she is because I already can’t see far away without my glasses and the sun isn’t helping. Holy Hell there she is. She comes trotting out the water like 3rd or 4th. I whoop and holler again and feel super special because my friend is faster than everyone else’s friend. Yup. I'm competitive even for others. And up the hill she trots.

At this point I know I have some time and I figure I won’t be able to see her on the bike portion because I don’t know where to go and they go so fast and I already have a hard time seeing so I take my time up the hill. The runners are running past us dripping with water and huffing. A woman who’s walking in front of me turns and laughs at the fact that she and I are huffing up this hill and these peeps just swam forever and are trotting past us. I laugh and cheer on the runners more. When I get to the top I start to wander around trying to decide where to plant myself to watch her run by. I get yelled at by someone else when I apparently try to plant myself somewhere sacred and wandered over to the finish line. Hmmmmm. I want to see them before that. So I wander back. I get completely distracted by the very fit very hot men running past me. Rawr. I turn and realize people are watching the transitions from swim to bike from bike to run. OOOOOHHHHH! This is what R has spoken of in her blogs when she wants to improve transitions. I find this fascinating and wander over to watch this. There are rows of metal bars that the racers hang their bikes on and a pile of stuff is directly underneath. You must get assigned a spot. I notice the rows have Wave numbers on the end. I watch as the swimmers come trotting into the area, strip off their wetsuits, dab themselves dry-ish, throw on a shirt with the bib number and shoes, some grab a drink or a snack, they strap on their helmets, grab their bikes and start running towards the bike portion. Wow. Then I'm starting to see some of the earlier waves riding in on the bikes. They hook their bike back onto the bar, take off the helmet, usually grab a drink, maybe strip off a layer and their off. It's very systematic. No one looks flustered. It's truly a trip to watch. I also want to mention there is a kid’s triathlon. I'm seeing the little kids starting to run in from their swim and I have to say - the parents - not cool. These people are psycho. I felt like I was watching stage moms on crack. Me and a couple standing next to me were shoved out of the way multiple times by parents running to where their kids were and them screaming at them. "PUT ON YOUR SHOES!!!" "HURRY UP!!!" One little girl was brought to tears. The couple next to me was mortified as was I. Now of course this was not all the parents, but a good portion of them. I felt horrible for these kids being screamed at by their parents. One set of parents leaped the barricade and starting helping the kid get ready - not very gently I may add. The man who was working/volunteering yelled at them through his bullhorn that only racers were allowed in the area. I thought there was going to be a physical fight. I couldn’t believe how these parents were acting. On the other side though were the happy parents squealing and cheering and encouraging the kids with more "YOU CAN DO IT!!" "WAY TO GO!!!". I really wanted these parents to teach the evil parents how not to be an asshole. Moving on. I started noticing girls coming into the area so I started watching for R. When she road in I squealed and cheered. She transitioned so damn fast I barely caught her:

I then promptly ran over to cheer her on as she ran by and caught a great shot of her smiling and kicking ass:

I then wandered into the main area and tried to find a spot at the finish stretch. I found that usually when someone’s friend or family member ran by the spectators left so I started trying to nab one of these spots. I caught one, but some jackass shoved me so hard I almost fell onto the race track. Another spectator snapped at him for being a prick in my honor but it was not big. I did move though. I found a space where I overheard the couple say once "Richard" ran by they saw everyone. Then "GO RICHARD!!!" as he ran by and I got their spot. I had a ball watching all the people come down that home stretch. The kids came through and were adorable as they booked it and shot down the last few feet at full speed. I saw a woman with no legs - just the blade runner things tear past. I'm not going to lie - I teared up. I saw an older man pushing himself and beaming as he ran by. I found myself cheering and clapping for everyone as they ran by. I loved watching people pick up speed when they realized they were at the finish. I loved the faces of triumph of happiness of competiveness. It was awesome. Unfortunately I got shoved again just as R rounded the corner so I didn’t get my camera up in time but I started jumping up and down and screaming for her as she ran by. She smiled and ran by as if it was the easiest run in the world. I remember when I run my wacky obstacle races, hearing someone scream and cheer my name on the side lines was awesome so I hope I was able to give that to her. After the race I saw her realize she got first place in her group and turned to me flashing the number one sign. I wish I had that shot. She was beaming. I chatted with her and Adam after the race congratulating them both. I peaced out though because I was getting sunburned and knew I had a nice long ass walk back. As I walked I found myself smiling. It was beautiful out and the morning was filled with a great energy. Being a spectator was a blast. I also want to start documenting experiences more with photos and blogging like this one to capture it all. Again - there is never not time to do these kinds of things. I want to take more time with everything. Congrats to R and Adam for kicking major ass and letting me be a part of very fun exciting morning!

Seen some shows...seen my Dr...life is slightly different...

One of the things I'm trying to do differently is that. Do it. I never realized what a procrastinator I really was. People recommend books, I write them down, maybe finally get around to buying them who knows how long later. Could be years. There are shows I mean to see, don’t get around to it until the last weekend then cram in multiple shows trying to get them all in and end up missing one. Think to myself "That would be fun to do someday!" This could be something as simple as checking out Crystal Cove or going to an event that sounds fun. I also procrastinate when it comes to medical stuff that isn’t right on my face - like dealing with motion sickness. "I keep meaning to talk to the Dr. about that...". Never do. Brain pops. Hmmmm, I always thought life was short but now it somewhat slapped me in the face and said "REAL SHORT!" So, I plan things out even more so now (Didn’t think it was possible for me to plan more did ya?!) But this way I can make sure to get in what I want. I actually type it into my iPod calendar instead of thinking about it. I have purchased all books recommended to me and now have quite the reading list. I heard about the Chocolate Festival, missed it last year, and bought my ticket for this year. There's an event my friend is chairing that sounded interesting - something I've never really done before, bought a ticket. And I've also finally caught some theatre! I saw Venus and Adonis at Orange County Shakespeare a while back and quite enjoyed it. I didn’t care for the woman playing Venus though. She had zero emotion but the rest of the cast was fantastic. I then saw an all-female production of Julius Cesar. Now Julius Cesar isn’t one of my favorite Shakespeare shows, yet it seems to be the one I've seen the most. The production was ok. There were some performances though that I thought were quite good. My friend Brenda was, as always, brilliant. She stood out from the entire cast. The language rolled off her tongue as if it was everyday chat and she gave Brutus a charm that made you love her. I enjoyed the performances of the gal who played Cassius and Marc Antony as well. I then saw Much Ado About Nothing at Orange County Shakespeare and they took a very slapsticky approach. I love a good comedy and I thought they did well. They cast Beatrice/Benedict too old though for sure. The actors were good, but it just didn’t come across well to me age wise. But I laughed a lot and thought the other performers were very funny! My friend Megan was in it as Margaret and she were lovely. This last Friday night I saw Twelve Angry Men at Stages and loved it. I knew a handful of the actors and the director and it was really good! I have never seen this done, only read the play. I thought everyone was wonderful and especially Brian Fichter. He was so natural and you HATED his character. His racist monologue made your skin crawl. Brilliant. Next weekend I'll be catching The Changeling at LBP. I also went to a costume party I normally wouldn’t have dressed up for because I have a tendency to get lazy if I can’t get something together. Well - I threw together a "Shot Fairy" costume and I was quite pleased with myself. I've also been heading down some weekends to walk with my friend Nat. She's pregnant and the perfect walking companion to ease back into activity. She's a fit as hell preggo as well so she gets me working. I used to think it was such a pain in the ass to drive all the way down there just for a walk. Oh no. It's beautiful and worth it and I'm so glad I've been doing it. I find myself making sure I'm to bed early enough so I'm up and feeling good to go. Another thing I have always thought would be nifty is to be a spectator at a race. My friend R is a triathlete and has been getting stronger and fitter by the second. I've been watching her progress over the last year and it's phenomenal. She usually races out of state but her and her hubs were going to be running the local triathlon that happened today. I was thrilled to be able to catch it! I plan on writing a separate blog since there were a lot of things I found interesting today! So stay tuned! I also saw my Dr. last week about my motion sickness since I got ill during meditation and it's just gotten too bad to stand. He was not pleased to find out my neurologist didn’t want to pursue the possibility of the tumor they found being a cause or at least contributing. He wrote a 2 page recommendation letter and included some of my studies and sent me on to the House Ear Clinic. He said he wanted to skip an ENT and send me straight to the what he figured is the source. The man I saw explained to me I have a schwanoma. He is sending me to a place to have a balance test. This test is what I have now called a barf test. It's happening October 12th so please send any love and positive healing non barfy vibes my way. It's a 2 hour test and it includes goggles with some sort of infrared something, flipping me around and shooting water/air into my year. It's pretty much going to purposely set off my motion intolerance/vertigo or what have you. I am dreading it almost as much as I dreaded my 2nd angiogram. I do know this stuff needs to happen though and I'm ready to tackle whatever the fuck this is that makes me so sick. I do hope hope hope that this schwanoma doesn’t grow because radiation has been tossed around as one of the options which he really wants to avoid. Me too dude. I return then for a follow up and we study my MRI together and discuss I guess my options and how to handle this going forward. So, we'll see. I'm pretty nervous/anxious about this whole thing but know it's necessary. I have also been enjoying nature more. I know this sounds cheesy or odd, but I’m just noticing stuff more. Taking the time more. I saw some birds in my moms birdbath, I tried to capture them on film even though I was headed out the door to grocery shop. My mom and I were in the middle of a movie and I paused it to drag her outside when I noticed through the window the sky was tinted pink. I stop when it’s super quiet outside, close my eyes and take a deep breath and listen. It’s kind of funny what you may find yourself actually hearing. So there ya go. I've jumped back to my full life and loving it. Things are still a little hard but worth it. I find myself happy to be alive a lot.

Rollercoaster Ride of Emotions...

It's hard. I'm not going to lie. I'm having some very extreme emotions lately which I suppose may be normal when something as gnarly as what happened to me happened. As I said before, I am defiantly more grateful and more appreciative of life. I was already on that path pre-SAH and now post-SAH it seems even more so. Some people think it's because of the SAH that I'm mellower, a little more peaceful, a little less angry, and much more positive. But don’t give the SAH that much credit. Yes it helped but I was working on all of this before. Those following me along on my journey know this and have watched my progression over the last year or so. But now I seem to be even more analytical than I was before. I keep going over and over in my head - Am I positive enough? Am I grateful enough? Am I really a good person? Why did I survive? And there it is. Why did I survive? I'm told I survived because I have a greater purpose on this earth. I'm told I survived because I'm lucky. I'm told I survived because I'm strong. I'm told I survived because it just wasn’t my time yet. But I cry. I cry a lot now. We lost a very well loved well respected professor at Chapman last week. Dr. Marv Meyer. I didn’t know the man. I only knew his name. He apparently had been fighting cancer, thought he beat it but it came back and he lost. Our president of the university spoke about him during the Convocation on Wednesday. He read from an email Dr. Meyer had sent a couple of weeks before. He was telling him that he didn’t think he was going to be able to make the Convocation and he was so disappointed. He jokingly wrote he was probably going to sporting a new jazzy bald head. The passages that the president read were light and he was talking as if he was going to survive and he sounded like I would. But he didn’t make it. I got quite emotional. I got quite emotional again later that day in front of my boss when a handful of us were discussing the not so pleasant speech one of our Deans gave later on that morning. I tried to hide the tears and play them off as allergies, but my boss noticed. Later that day she came into my office to see if I was ok. I promptly broke down. I told her what I just wrote here and that maybe I have some sort of Survivors Guilt? A friend of mine had mentioned this to me a few weeks ago over dinner, saying she had some friends who had survived medical catastrophes and they all had this guilt they seemed to be dealing with. I told her no, I just feel grateful and lucky and overwhelmed at the idea I survived despite the fact that statistics were against me. But now I don’t know. I joke that I have become such a sap and that I cry at the drop of a hat. Good or bad. Hell, show me a video of an adorable little kitten and my eyes well up because it's so fucking cute! Tears welled up in my eyes during the Convocation when the new freshmen were placing stoles on each other. This is a new tradition that Chapman started that all freshman get a stole and mentors, professors, etc. who inspire them throughout their 4 years at Chapman can sign it. Watching the faces of these kids put the stoles on each other made my heart swell. They were all smiling and so excited. I had a pang of jealousy that I never had that college experience. One of the few regrets I do have. I had a few dates with someone recently that I thought went quite well but apparently not as he blew me off and I was much sadder than I thought I would be. Then I had a situation the other night where my battery died in my car, AAA came out and replaced it for $100. Mom was surprised that the phone call she got wasn’t me stressing out or angry but calm and just slightly bummed I wouldn’t be home to get to bed as early as I had hoped. People have noticed a change in me but I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. My boss does think I should speak to someone professional about this and I may, but my luck with therapists hasn’t been the best. I'm also still a bit scared. I tried going back to yoga this week and my 1st night I felt a little wonky after the final resting pose. But I chalked it up to 1st night back. Well last night I took a class that was 45 minutes in this position because it was a meditation class and I ended up coming home extremely sick. I went straight to bed and woke up today ok, but about 11am had to leave work because I felt so nauseous. I feel a little better now but cried all afternoon because I don’t know why this is happening. Is it my motion sickness just so much worse? Is it some sort of after effect from the SAH? Is it a combination of the two? Is it my emotional rollercoaster I've been riding? I’ve had this happen a few times in the last month or so. I don’t know. I have made another Dr. appointment with my primary to try to find out what’s up. There is so much I want to do. I want to find love. I want to travel - even if it's just here in the US. I want to accomplish something. I want to have an effect on this world. I really do. I really do hope that I was spared because there is something totally awesome I may do or maybe I change someone’s life. I don’t know. I really would like to feel 100% though and get off this damn roller coaster. I will say this though - I'm liking the new mellow me. It's been a long work in progress but I do think (If I stop getting sick) I'm going in the right direction for sure. Finally. I don’t want to stress out too much about anything. And honestly – I don’t think I will. PS – who are you folks reading these and my other project blog? I’m surprised at the “post views”. I thought the only one reading was R ;) But thank you all, I am pleasantly surprised at how many of you actually like to read my rambling typed out!

An epic night with the blues...

I love the blues. I can say this is my favorite genre of music. EVERY style of music out there is influenced by the blues. I never thought I really had a favorite type of music because I just honestly love music so much, but if I had to pick a favorite - it's the blues. Last night was a brilliant reminder why. Buddy Guy and Johnny Lang. Two AMAZING artists. I had seen that they were playing together at the Grove in Anaheim the day before the brain incident. Maybe that's what caused it - I got so excited it blew my mind. Literally. I had emailed my dad saying "We have to go" and we had planned on it but the universe decided to scare the shit out of me and my family instead. About week 2 into my recovery I had remembered this concert. I still wasn’t able to do this myself, so I hovered over my mother as I walked her through purchasing tickets for me, my dad and my brother for dad's father’s day surprise. My head pounding, my back screaming, my mom hollering at me to go back to bed but I wanted to make sure we got tickets. Sure enough all the dinner w/show was sold out and a lot of the sections already gone. Luckily I got us a threesome and crawled back to bed. Well last night was the big night. I knew I would be recovered by now (cut it close though!) and the three of us headed out bursting with excitement. We had a fantastic dinner at Prime Cut Cafe, had drinks and laughs and the boys ogled our adorable waitress and off we went. Our table was a bit off to the side but still good seats. I do love the Grove - I don’t think there really is a bad seat in that place. We had fun table mates and after a long battle of laughs and attempts we finally got a sort of successful self-portrait which you see below and the lights dimmed. Out comes Johnny Lang. This kid was a teen when BB King introduced him onto the blues scene. He's still a kid but looks a bit more grown up since we saw him last. Shane was floored since he hadn’t seen him since Doheny Blues a few years ago. This was the third time Dad and I have seen him. And he did not disappoint. He is the most expressionable guitarist ever. He seriously looks like he is in horrible pain or having an orgasm the entire time he plays. He feels every single note that comes out of that guitar. One of the many things I love about this kid is you feel what he is feeling right along with him. The emotion and the soul pour out of him and into you as an audience. He can silence the crowd. There will be a moment when he is just singing along with his guitar - singing his licks! The crowd is silent taking in every note with him. He brought me to tears during one of my favorite numbers. He also has a fantastic band behind him. They play together perfectly and follow his lead. Johnny Lang's set was one of the most emotional for me I've had in a while. My breath was taken away, my soul filled with his voice and guitar. Perfection. It was seriously perfection. Standing O of course and I was actually slightly exhausted from watching him. Lights came up and we chatted as we waited for Buddy to set up. Lights dim again and here comes the legend. Mr. Buddy Guy. I absolutely love watching this man perform. He's happy, he's having a blast, he's a dirty old man, he's funny, and he’s everything a blues artist should be. He's 76 years young as he tells you in one of his songs and he tears up that guitar that no one’s business. He stops in the middle of songs sometimes to "tell you sumthin". Then a story rolls off his giggling tongue. Turns music. Turns blues. The band follows right along. At one point he walks off stage but you still hear him playing and a few minutes later he appears in the crowd. He does this a lot in his shows and the crowd goes wild trying to catch a glimpse of him and snap pictures as he walks through playing and singing. He does shoot past us pretty close so I catch a quick snap of him. Buddy Guy also has a phenomenal band. His keyboardist is one of my favorite performers playing those keys like a lover. Later in his set he introduces this kid. 13 years old that he heard play once and thought he was listening to himself. Out walks this shaggy haired boy who reminds me of my godson who promptly TEARS IT UP!!!!! This kid is a young Eric Clapton and is going to be a star. Travis or Taylor Quinn was his name I think. Damn. Johnny Lang was brought back out and the three of them had a guitar off. I was dying. I cannot express to you how much I love to hear people tear up that guitar!!!! He finished up one of the best blues sets I've seen and I again felt drained. So happy and exhausted! Blues music bores into your body bringing you along for the ride as you follow the artists through their performances. It's as if you are up there playing right alongside of them. You feel it. You love it. You become it. Every single time I am on my way to one of these shows I think "There's no way they can top the last time I saw them" and then they do. Every single time. I'm blown away. Every single time. Last night was no different. An epic night of blues with two of my favorite men. I'm still smiling this morning and hearing their songs in my head. If you have never seen the blues - get off your ass now and get out there and experience this before you die. You won’t regret it, I promise you that. Thank you Johnny Lang and Buddy Guy and all of your band mates for giving me yet another fantastic amazing night of music.

Life after SAH...

That's what it is. Subarachnoid hemorrhage. Or the short version - SAH. This is what I tell people now. This is what I have to tell all doctors now. This is why I can never audition for WipeOut now. This is what will always be a new little fear that now lives in the once fearless mind of Jami McCoy. This SAH is what should have killed me. The more research I have done, the more reading I have done, the more doctors I have talked too, the more people I have talked too I realize - I'm a miracle. That's what a woman called me yesterday. This jeweler we visit at the OC Fair every year that my dad has developed a friendship with. Her eyes widened when he told her what happened to me. I smiled sheepishly saying "Ya, I'm lucky as hell". "You’re a miracle" she said. "You do realize you were put on this earth for some higher purpose?! That's why your still here!" I don’t know about that, but I certainly consider myself a very lucky and very grateful girl. I wasn’t ready to go. But wrestling with that thought. Knowing the statistics and how very very low the survival rate is and how even lower the percentage is of those who have no after affects. Here I sit - a little over 2 months later - Pretty much perfect. Back has stopped hurting. The entry point of the angiogram still a tad tender now and then but pretty much gone. No headaches. Just a little tired. And now having to learn what "ease back into" active life means. I met with my neurologist on Monday. (That's weird in of itself - I have a neurologist now). He told me again how lucky I was. That the risk is slightly higher of another bleed than it was before this one but still way way low. I'm to see him around my birthday next year for my for now yearly MRI to watch the tumor they found. I can go back to exercising as vigorously as I was before. Just no trauma (no problem) and don’t lift anything super heavy....like a refrigerator. Have a good day. That's it. I survived something very serious. I survived something most people don’t survive from. And I recovered amazingly well. I do attribute my good health and good shape to the quick (which of course didn’t seem quick to me) recovery. I am truly looking forward to starting up my active life again. There's a new yoga studio in the Orange Circle I'm going to check out to start back in. Yup. Starting out slow. I didn’t think much was different but I'm starting to realize it is. I think it will grow more with time also. This different look on life. I already never took things for granted. I already enjoyed life. I already was on the positive train, trying to change my way of thinking for the better. I was already on that path. So soon after this incident I thought - well I already thought all of those things. It's not like I needed a lesson there. But what I've noticed lately is all of that is even more so. I move a little slower. I enjoy simple things more. I enjoy life even more. But - my tolerance for some things has gotten less. My tolerance for people who chose to be miserable just to be miserable has gone way down. My tolerance for childhood gossip and drama has gone way down and I didn’t think that could go down any more than it already was! My tolerance for someone getting worked up over something so unnecessary has gone way down. Now don’t get me wrong - everyone has a right to bitch and complain about something, or vent about something and it doesn’t matter how trivial or how small it is - it's upsetting that person at that moment and they need to get it off their chest. But if you dwell on it - get over it. When I hear the same complaint over and over again - do something about it! It's strange to me to slow down. To enjoy a life more that I was already enjoying. To strive to be positive. Me. Positive. I mean - my snarky sarcasm isn’t going anywhere and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to stop talking like a sailor but I feel a little less strung out. There are still a lot of the same problems going on: I worry about my Papa. I worry about money. I worry about our world. But I seem to handle it a bit differently. I'm really really overwhelmed with the idea that I survived. Why did I survive? Why did I scare the shit out of my parents and a lot of my dear friends that knew what it meant when they were told "brain bleed". The worried faces, the prayers, the fear that I was going to die or live but not be the same or have to be cared for the rest of my life. But nope - I'm fine. I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around that thought. I'm also having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm not fearless anymore and probably never will be. It's heavy. BUT - onward and upward right? I still plan on filling my calendar with friends and physical activity and everything I enjoy doing. I want to rebuild some friendships with some people I have grown away from, but now we seem to be on the same path. I want to separate myself even more from people who are self-absorbed. I want to strengthen the bond with some of my already amazing friendships. I want to keep doing more random acts of kindness and paying it forward. I do find myself at a point where I really do want to meet that guy. A companion to share my life with. It seems some prospective prospects are just not panning out as I had hoped, but I'm even looking at that differently. I'm not down about it but I'm hopeful. I'm not going to put aside anything anymore. No more notes reminding myself "Oh - I want to do that at some point!". Time to just do them. I want to live my life. And I will.