Rollercoaster Ride of Emotions...

It's hard. I'm not going to lie. I'm having some very extreme emotions lately which I suppose may be normal when something as gnarly as what happened to me happened. As I said before, I am defiantly more grateful and more appreciative of life. I was already on that path pre-SAH and now post-SAH it seems even more so. Some people think it's because of the SAH that I'm mellower, a little more peaceful, a little less angry, and much more positive. But don’t give the SAH that much credit. Yes it helped but I was working on all of this before. Those following me along on my journey know this and have watched my progression over the last year or so. But now I seem to be even more analytical than I was before. I keep going over and over in my head - Am I positive enough? Am I grateful enough? Am I really a good person? Why did I survive? And there it is. Why did I survive? I'm told I survived because I have a greater purpose on this earth. I'm told I survived because I'm lucky. I'm told I survived because I'm strong. I'm told I survived because it just wasn’t my time yet. But I cry. I cry a lot now. We lost a very well loved well respected professor at Chapman last week. Dr. Marv Meyer. I didn’t know the man. I only knew his name. He apparently had been fighting cancer, thought he beat it but it came back and he lost. Our president of the university spoke about him during the Convocation on Wednesday. He read from an email Dr. Meyer had sent a couple of weeks before. He was telling him that he didn’t think he was going to be able to make the Convocation and he was so disappointed. He jokingly wrote he was probably going to sporting a new jazzy bald head. The passages that the president read were light and he was talking as if he was going to survive and he sounded like I would. But he didn’t make it. I got quite emotional. I got quite emotional again later that day in front of my boss when a handful of us were discussing the not so pleasant speech one of our Deans gave later on that morning. I tried to hide the tears and play them off as allergies, but my boss noticed. Later that day she came into my office to see if I was ok. I promptly broke down. I told her what I just wrote here and that maybe I have some sort of Survivors Guilt? A friend of mine had mentioned this to me a few weeks ago over dinner, saying she had some friends who had survived medical catastrophes and they all had this guilt they seemed to be dealing with. I told her no, I just feel grateful and lucky and overwhelmed at the idea I survived despite the fact that statistics were against me. But now I don’t know. I joke that I have become such a sap and that I cry at the drop of a hat. Good or bad. Hell, show me a video of an adorable little kitten and my eyes well up because it's so fucking cute! Tears welled up in my eyes during the Convocation when the new freshmen were placing stoles on each other. This is a new tradition that Chapman started that all freshman get a stole and mentors, professors, etc. who inspire them throughout their 4 years at Chapman can sign it. Watching the faces of these kids put the stoles on each other made my heart swell. They were all smiling and so excited. I had a pang of jealousy that I never had that college experience. One of the few regrets I do have. I had a few dates with someone recently that I thought went quite well but apparently not as he blew me off and I was much sadder than I thought I would be. Then I had a situation the other night where my battery died in my car, AAA came out and replaced it for $100. Mom was surprised that the phone call she got wasn’t me stressing out or angry but calm and just slightly bummed I wouldn’t be home to get to bed as early as I had hoped. People have noticed a change in me but I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. My boss does think I should speak to someone professional about this and I may, but my luck with therapists hasn’t been the best. I'm also still a bit scared. I tried going back to yoga this week and my 1st night I felt a little wonky after the final resting pose. But I chalked it up to 1st night back. Well last night I took a class that was 45 minutes in this position because it was a meditation class and I ended up coming home extremely sick. I went straight to bed and woke up today ok, but about 11am had to leave work because I felt so nauseous. I feel a little better now but cried all afternoon because I don’t know why this is happening. Is it my motion sickness just so much worse? Is it some sort of after effect from the SAH? Is it a combination of the two? Is it my emotional rollercoaster I've been riding? I’ve had this happen a few times in the last month or so. I don’t know. I have made another Dr. appointment with my primary to try to find out what’s up. There is so much I want to do. I want to find love. I want to travel - even if it's just here in the US. I want to accomplish something. I want to have an effect on this world. I really do. I really do hope that I was spared because there is something totally awesome I may do or maybe I change someone’s life. I don’t know. I really would like to feel 100% though and get off this damn roller coaster. I will say this though - I'm liking the new mellow me. It's been a long work in progress but I do think (If I stop getting sick) I'm going in the right direction for sure. Finally. I don’t want to stress out too much about anything. And honestly – I don’t think I will. PS – who are you folks reading these and my other project blog? I’m surprised at the “post views”. I thought the only one reading was R ;) But thank you all, I am pleasantly surprised at how many of you actually like to read my rambling typed out!