Yea. Me either.
Let's back up.
A little over a month ago, I noticed he started acting distant. I was hearing from him less, making plans seemed like more of a big deal, and I just knew something was up. He was different. I asked him about it 3 or 4 times. "Are we ok?" "Are we good?" "Is there something wrong? You're acting differently". His answer was always yes it's fine I'm just busy sort of answer. I tried to back off but something in my gut was telling me otherwise. I figured with this road trip coming up, we would have ample time to talk about it. I mean all I was really looking for, was for him to act like he did before. Before this weird change.
Road trip came and went as you read. The fact that I got so sick dampened the chance to really talk about our relationship. We talked a little bit. I brought along the book The 5 Languages of Love, thinking that would be a good topic and maybe something we could try. Find out each other's "love language" and be better for each other. A win win right? He chuffed about it but glanced through it and found out his "language" and we talked about it. Mine is Physical Touch, so I asked if he could maybe show a little more affection towards me.
After the trip I mentioned when we could see each other again. When he said it's not going to be for almost a month I was surprised and sad. When I voiced my sadness he got rather defensive talking about being busy, it was lucky we've spent the time (weekends) we did, blah blah. After a day or so I just couldn't imagine that working, so I started mentioning maybe just meeting half way in San Clemente for dinner or something. Just to at least to see each other. We were going to do this about a week and a half after the trip but Tuesday night August 22nd (Ironically the date of my would have been wedding anniversary mind you) things went south.
It started out with a text string that got heated and I was noticing mis understandings happening. After it got too much, we got on the phone with each other that turned ugly. He started accusing me of ridiculous accusations which I won't get into here and it came out that he had been festering on something that happened a month ago that he couldn't let go. Something fucking ridiculous. Something I didn't even (and no normal person would think) realize upset him. I about dropped the phone a few times out of pure shock and it spiraled from there. He then went on to talk about how it shouldn't be this hard. I came back with all relationships compromise sometimes and I wasn't asking for a lot. And he said some offensive things to me. And I cried alot. And near the end, which I was thinking we could still work on things, thinking this was just our 1st fight and we could move forward, then came the heart breaker. When I calmed and started talking about how we can work on this he started saying comments that made it sound like he was done. I said "Don't you want to work on it?" He said "I don't know". I said "That's not an answer" and he said "Well then no". And that was it. I was shocked. It was like throwing a dagger into my heart.
So basically - none of the good times we had in the 6 or so months we've been dating mattered. Basically he can't be a fucking adult and actually work on something. Everything I thought he felt about me was apparently bullshit because if you actually cared about someone you don't throw the relationship aside like a dirty rag. He didn't even want to try. I couldn't fucking believe it. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO TRY. I said so that's it? I guess so, he says. And after my stunned crying silence we hung up.
All that time of falling in love with his daughter, of fun times and adventures, of getting him into photography, of meeting my family and friends which you all know are fucking awesome people, by going on a trip together (that is now tainted), by bringing him into my life and opening my heart up to him was all for not. He made up some crazy notions in his head that flipped a switch in him and decided that was it. He just threw me aside like I was trash.
I tried harder than I've ever tried this time. I'm 41 years old. I have been through ups and downs of relationships and marriages and learning about myself. I know I'm the type that if something gets too hard I usually run. But I wasn't this time. I really liked him. I really cared about him. I could see myself falling in love with him. I knew we had very different personality types but that was ok because we could learn from each other. I was patient and didn't let myself knee jerk react to ANYTHING. I would stop and think about it before responding. I read up on ways to be a good partner. I talked to my therapist who helped guide me on the path of my 1st really serious relationship in years. I opened my life and my heart to him and his daughter. I did everything I could, and I know this one is not on me. But goddamn if it doesn't hurt like a mother fucker. I honestly don't remember how you deal with a broken heart.
I stayed home from work a few days crying my eyes out, lost sleep and am still struggling. I'll slowly remove pictures from my social media because seeing the cute pictures of us, and all the wonderful love and comments from my friends who were so happy for me is just too heartbreaking to bare. I'm not deleting my blogs and photos here and on my photo blog though. Those were truly good times and I want to remember them and will go back and read them when I can handle it. But gone from the social media, gone from my phone because looking at those sweet times we were together daily right now is just too hard, because it didn't even matter to him. Baby steps. I have an amazing support system of friends and family that will help me through this and I'll fill my calendar up to stay busy.
I refuse to leave this relationship without learning something though. I am growing as a person and I know you can always learn from things. What I learned is I can fall in love with someone's child. I learned that I am capable of being patient and putting forth my all into a relationship. I really don't think I've been able to do that before. And I've also learned that I want to be in a relationship for sure. I was going back and forth there for a while, especially with how horrible the dating scene is, about whether I really want this or not. And I do. Those months before his switch I was so happy. I was so happy to have someone in my life. I was so happy that everyone was so happy for me. I thought about him all the time and got butterflies. I was excited when I met some of his friends that I really adored. I loved when I brought him in to my world, he liked everyone and they liked him. I was always excited when we had plans. I loved seeing little things I thought his daughter would like or he would enjoy. I was happy. I was happy having a person. So once I mend from this shattered heart I want to try again. I'm terrified and I'm dreading it, but I know it's really what I want. I really want to find someone to share my life with.
My heart is broken. I wish so much this could have worked. I wanted to try. But the way he flipped and the cold, harsh way he ended it with, I know he's not the right one for me. I'll miss his daughter and I'll miss what he was in the beginning. It's going to be hard to get over this one.
1 comment:
I love the picture. Hang in there chica, we will find someones for us.
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