Ssssssh brain...

My mind is a whirl with many things right now and it’s getting a bit overwhelming, so I figured I shoot out a blog about it.

It seems my mind dances around a different way after it got bled all over in June 2012.  Let’s start there.  I have a tendency to react to things much later than most people I’m realizing.  I seem to be tripping out on how much my life and thought process have changed since the infamous “Jami almost died” incident.  I think I’m not sure how to deal with it which is why I find myself confused, overwhelmed and emotional yet not turning negative or depressed or freaking out like I tended to do pre-brain pop.  A bunch of stuff seems to be happening around me and a few things happening to me.  And I’m just not damn sure how to deal.

SO

Let’s break it down because I love lists and I’m OCD and I need things broken out in pretty list like paragraphs and I will also try to break it up with funny pics as I love to do like this one:

1 – The news right now is OVERWHELMING with so much bad news.  I mean like every fucking headline – horrid.  Tragic.  Heart wrenching.  I can’t pull my eyes away and I keep reading more and more and trying to find ways to help and what can I do and JESUS! A lot of the stuff that’s happening out in the world is - sadly but honestly – totally out of our control.  And no – there isn’t a godamn thing you can do about it.  No – I’m not being a downer or negative, people say “You can always make a difference!”  “You can change the world!”  No – you can’t always.  You can help, yes.  I’ve found a few links that seem legit to donate to do to help out some of these causes but honestly that’s about all I can do.  Back when I used to go to therapy, one of them told me I had a problem of taking the world’s problems on my shoulders.  I can’t fix the world.  I can only try to help.  Which brings me to:

2 – Am I doing enough?  I totally believe in the pebble effect.  You know – drop a pebble into a lake and the ripples cause more and more and grow and grow.  

I totally believe this when it comes to kindness.  I believe in paying it forward.  Think about it – you do a random act of kindness, that then inspires someone else to do it and so on and so forth.  Can you imagine if the whole world did that?  But is it enough?  I don’t know.  All this horrible tragic news out there right now GAWD! I put out a post on Facebook & Twitter that I’m upping my acts of kindness and trying to go back to my little fun experiment that seemed to make some bit of a difference.  I know it at least helps.  Even if just a tiny bit right?  I wish I could donate more $$$ which brings me to:

3 – I’m fucking broke.  Now – I’m not really broke.  I can pay my bills, I can buy food, I have a roof over my head, I can feed my cats so no – I’m not in dire straits.  But I live in SoCal.  It’s so expensive to live here if you are a single woman who lives alone and works a job that only pays an ok amount.  I’m still under my ex-husbands loan.  The last two years I took a trip up north to wine country that I couldn’t afford but did anyway because life is short blah blah and it hurt me financially.  I have a lot of friends who have a lot of birthdays and weddings and showers and I buy them things.  I really don’t need to be rich, I just wish I was debt free.  I wish I actually got to take home what I make at work BEFORE I'm raped in taxes.  I wish I didn’t have weeks like this week where I have no extra money.  I know, it could be so much worse.  But it does blow.  And the thing is - I have generous friends!  People sometimes wonder how I get to do some of the stuff I do and it's really because other people pay for me.  I'm super super appreciative and I wouldn't get to do these things without them.  I so wish I could return the favor and treat friends/family to all kinds of rad things!  It’s a bitch having a single income in SoCal which brings me to:

4 – A relationship.  I really do go back and forth on this one.  I think I want a husband.  But do I?  I think I wanted a kid but did I?  (I used past tense because I think that ship has sailed).  I hate dating.  I’m bad at it.  If I’m going to meet Mr. Right I want him to just show up at my door in a bow.  I had a recent fellow who I thought was going to be super fun proceed to shit all over my heart.  I’ve also met a nice older guy whose super cool and super interesting and I enjoy hanging with him but there’s just not that spark.  I’d adore having a friendship with him and I hope that’s where it lands.  But I don’t even know if I want someone anymore.  Yeah it’s lonely sometimes.  Yeah it’s hard when my FB feed blows up with everyone’s kids starting school and more friends getting married and so on and so forth but do I really want that?  I don’t know anymore.  Unless it's him:

Maybe it’s been so long now since I’ve been in a relationship (like years upon years) that I actually wouldn’t know how to be in one if it did come along.  I like my own space.  I like having long conversations with my cats.  (Yes you read that right. They’re the best listeners!)  I’m not necessarily unhappy being single.  But it would be cool to have someone to count on.  Someone to help carry the groceries.  Someone to share finances with.  Someone to come home too that would love me.  Someone who wants me.  I just don’t know and I think I over-think somethings that brings me to my last ponder:

5 – My mind.  I’m having a really hard time handling my own thoughts right now.  It’s like I’m trying so hard to be all these things I think I should be – Creative.  Happy.  Inspiring.  Funny.  Not a bitch.  I sometimes think I’m trying too hard and it’s making me just sit there with a look like this all the time:

It’s almost like I get too busy trying to better myself as a person that I somewhere got lost in the process.  I have no idea how to remedy this.  Meditation has become difficult because I CANNOT STOP the whirling thoughts.  I want so hard to be a good friend and be there for people and I’m not sure if I’m doing that enough or too much.  I try to eat right, stay active, meditate, find things that make me happy, be creative but then there are times I just lay on my couch watching mindless TV because it’s like my brain just turned off.  I’ve had awful amounts of down time at work that I so could be using more proactively but I stare off into space.  What the hell is wrong with me?!  Maybe I should see a therapist again, but I feel you just talk at them.  They don’t give you answers.  I’ve been journaling a lot more (Thank you Melissa!) but it’s not cutting it.  I try to talk it out with friends and I’m usually told I’m really just over thinking everything which I know I am but I can’t stop it!  So – here’s the blog on it.

I think I may be at a crossroads of sorts but I honestly don’t know if that’s what it is.  I may be in just a really funky rut.  Maybe I am depressed and I just don’t want to admit it.  I have no clue what’s up but something is.  I feel like something’s amiss in my life.  I feel like I have everything I should – I’m active.  I’m creative.  I have glorious friends.  I have a wonderful family.  People enjoy my company.  I’m spiritual.  I’m compassionate.  I take pretty damn good care of myself – yet – here I am.  Confused. 

I put these sorts of blogs out here hoping maybe someone may be going through the same thing and it helps to not feel alone.  Maybe the universe will provide me an answer.   Maybe you’ll see another blog a few months down the line that I’m even more baffled then I am today.  So in the meantime – I’m practicing more kindness.  I’m also trying really really hard to find some sort of focus.  It’ll happen.  Right?