Brain is still spinning...

SO this blog is just a spew of stuff, rambles of the mind, long tidbits I suppose?  Maybe it's because I'm currently reading Charles Bukowski.  Maybe it's because I get more forgetful and I want to remember.  Or just share - I mean you're reading it right?  Here we go!

I went and saw my friend Alexander in Caberet over at Stages a couple of weeks ago.  He was our Rosencrans in Slings and Arrows.  We ended up sitting at a Caberet Table right next to the stage so we ended up being a bit of part of the show.  I wasn't prepared for that so I found myself a bit uncomfortable trying to not slouch or look like a dork.  I'm not a huge musical fan but I do usually enjoy this one.  Here's me at our little table with my champagne:

Photo by Brenda

Brenda, Rick and I had gone to dinner earlier and shared a bottle of wine - well Rick and I shared it. Had a perfectly lovely evening with two of my favorite people.  Then we ran into Jill at the show who also sat at our little table.  So pretty much an S&A reunion!  I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the show!  The last few productions I've seen over at Stages have not been that great so my expectations were a bit low.  Well Caberet exceeded them!  Our friend was just lovely as the Emcee - here is a shot from the show:

Great shot!

All the little kit kat girls were darling.  The cast was really great!  I did forget how sad the show actually is and was quite touched by the end.  But good job Stages Crew!

I tried again to do some crafting.  I'm attempting to play with photos on canvas and multi media type stuff but nothing is coming out to my liking.  I'm getting super frustrated.  I made a bunch more magnets since that's the only thing I can seem to actually craft but even they are getting all screwy.  The only good part was this adorable photo of Tweaks.  Everytime I set a new paper down she moved to sit on it.

Whut?

Let's talk tattoos.  So I already have one.  It was my 30th birthday present to me from my brother.  My brother is covered.  I like to call him a walking coloring board.  I had always wanted to get one, to see what it's like, to get something meaningful, etc.  Well 10 years ago I did just that.  I was really into astrological stuff back then so I wanted to get a small dragon holding a Pisces symbol.  I'm a Pisces Dragon if you didn't just get that.  One of Shane's artists drew up an original, much larger than I was planning but also much cooler.  He said this way it looked less like a tramp stamp! Ha! OK.  Let's do it!  I remember straddling a chair in the hot afternoon in the little parlor in Seal Beach.  Jason & Shane had shared a few beers (Me wondering if that was a good thing) and we began.  Slayer playing in the background.  I watched another guy getting tattooed in front of me and blood was dripping down his leg.  Yikes!  But Jason said I didn't bleed much at all.  He said I had the perfect skin to tattoo.  It took about 3 hours.  We took a break in between.  When we were all done they told me this type of tattoo is usually done in 2 sittings!  Shane had said I could handle it in one and not to tell me.  Well there ya go. 

It's a bit tough to take a picture of your back but here's what it looks like today:

After my 2012 death dance, I've been wanting to get a tattoo of a Phoenix to symbolize what I went through.  Problem is - Jason moved to Norway.  It will also be pretty expensive.  So - I've been just sort of thinking about it.  When my Papa passed in 2013 I wanted to do something special for him.  I thought a tribute tattoo would be perfect!  I had an idea after seeing the fire helmet on his headstone and started looking for an artist.  I figured if I found one who did the tribute tattoo well I'd go back to them for my eventual much more expensive, much more involved Phoenix.  I procrastinated like the best of them and finally said to myself  - DO IT!  I think it's also part of everything I'm going through (I'm trying to just do stuff and not think about doing it).  So  - Tisha Tattooing was who I landed on.  Jody had referred me to her and I come to find out she tats my brothers ex.  Shane agreed to go with me for support.  I had forgotten what it felt like since it's been so long.  Well - it don't feel good.  The best part of the day was chatting with Shane the whole time.  We rarely get to spend one on one bro sis time so that was rad.  He also took this picture and said he enjoyed watching me squirm.

The shading fucking hurts!

But I love it.  It came out beautiful and I'm so happy to have something now that means so much in honor of my Papa.  Everytime I look at it I think of him. 

Love and miss you every day!

Here's a picture I was trying to take to show the placement of my 2 tattoos.

Yes.  Me in my panties.

I really feel tattoos are a special unique way to express yourself.  I know a lot of people get them now, but I see them more for trendy reasons rather than meaningful ones.  I read a really interesting book called Skin Deep by Karol Griffin.  It's mainly about her life, but she's a tattoo artist and when she talks about tattooing it's so beautiful.  The art of trust that you as the artist and the person getting the tattoo share.  The creative artistry that comes with tattooing.  It's really fascinating.  I'm sure more are coming on this body, but it'll be a bit.

One of my dear friends got married a few weeks ago.  I couldn't be there since it was in Ohio and I can't fly, but some of my friends went and kept texting me pictures.  I love them.

This was the first one I got.  Said "We miss you!".  The groom to be is the angry bald guy on the end. 

They went to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and said they found my band

Pre-wedding photo.  Love these assholes.

Shot from the wedding

So wish I could have been there!

Speaking of weddings, last weekend was the weekend of getting hit with engagement announcements.  I went to lunch with Dad, Sumi and his daughter Kati.  Kati who I used to babysit.  I've already been to her older sisters wedding - well guess whose engaged.  Yup - Miss Kati.  That night I went to see my beautiful friend Shannon sing at The Olde Ship in Santa Ana.

Shan singing with South Coast Jazz Project - Awesome musicians!

Her and I have been trying to get together to catch up and it just hasn't happened.  I had yet to meet her live in boyfriend and finally met him that night.  Then about fell off my barstool when he referred to Shan as his fiance.  What?!  Both my dad and Amber who were there with me also were a bit thrown.  Leave it to Shan - no official announcement.  So stoked though!  Can't wait to get to know the guys better.  Then the next night I met up with my friend Lisa whom I traveled to Calistoga a few months ago with.  Guess who popped the question to her on his big 50th birthday party.  So there you have it!  Three more of my friends getting married off.  So happy for all three of them.    I'm also hitting up a baby shower later this month for this beauty:

Seriously like one of the most gorgeous couples I know. 

It's going to be Halloween Themed.  So very excited for that!

But of course, as happy as I am for these awesome friends it sure makes me feel like I'm becoming the odd man out.  Making plans with friends is getting harder and harder.  People have lives with their families and significant others.  I get cancelled on all the time with a "kid" emergency or a spouse screwing up a calendar.  Which I complexly understand. I try to plan months in advance with friends so we can fit me in amongst the hubby/boyfriend/fiance time, the soccer games, the school projects, etc etc.  I mean I totally get it. I do.  It just get's tough sometimes.

I'm at a very strange crossroads in my life right now it seems.  The problem is I have no idea which direction to go.  My creativity is stifled.  I'm not feeling motivated, inspired, anything.  I'm trying. I know it's good to just keep doing it no matter what, which I do, but more often than not I hate the outcome.  I don't feel "good" at anything.  I'm lonely.  It's true.  No I can't tell you if I indeed want a man in my life and/or a family because I just don't fucking know.  I go back and forth too much on yes I want a family and a man to no I like being alone and like my own space LIKE ALL THE TIME.  So I don't know.

I know I just need to ride it out.  I really hope that's all.  This funk seems to be lasting much longer than anything recent and I think that's what's also driving me a bit nuts.  But - I'm still meal prepping with T.  I'm still getting up an hour earlier to do my new morning ritual of journaling, stretching, etc.  I still work out regularly.  I'm still doing the crafts even if they suck.  I'm still trying to give myself little projects to do.  Even if they are as silly as my photo blog which I'm now doing a little 100 days of happiness thing.  You can find that here.  So I'm not hopeless.  I'm not not doing anything.  I'm just baffled.  In the meantime I'm going to just keep trying new shit.  Something will take right?  I will have my first epiphany right?

I almost didn't want to post this blog because I feel it's on the negative side, but I'm going to anyway.  Maybe it'll bring out some answers.  Maybe it'll help someone else not feel so alone.  Maybe no one reads my stuff anymore and I'm just typing out loud to cyberspace.  Hopefully soon my brain will focus and I will say "THAT'S IT!"  

For now I'm going to really try to stop worrying/over thinking/analyzing every goddamn thing.  Back to regular meditation.  Back to trying to teach myself to live in the moment.  I'll report back :)