Falling apart...

I am.
Literally.
My best friend today made a comment to me that was hilarious but sadly somewhat true it seems.
"Your body is not meant to handle a healthy lifestyle!" she said with a chuckle.
This lately seems to be the case.
I have quit smoking. I am trying to eat healthier - haven’t had a soda in years. Haven’t had fast food in months. Don’t eat too many sweets. Have learned to not over eat or drink. My biggest fault I think is carbs. I do love my bread.
I exercise much more often and much more vigorous styles.
I'm seeing a therapist who is Buddist who is trying to help me change my way of thinking.
All sounds good right?
Ok - begin of bitch session:
My gut has gotten way worse. Yes I have what we lovingly like to call "The McCoy Gut". But mine has gotten worse. I have been sent to a specialist who wants to do that horrible violating procedure you are not supposed to have done until you are at least in your 50's. He wants to do the upper and lower version. I won’t go into details but let's just say the last weekend in May I'm going to be out of sorts.
My knee has gotten worse. I'm not sure if I need a better brace, but my father and chiro have harped on me about surgery. It's time to clear out that scar tissue from all the damage I know I have done.
I have jacked up my left wrist. Yes I wrap it now before my boxing boot camp, but it's weird and crunchy.
And last of all my hip. Yes my hip. I am 36 years old and may have to have hip surgery. I may not - but at the moment I'm being sent to physical therapy to try to fix it. If it's not what they think (apparently a month of PT would fix it) I then have to get an MRI because they are concerned I have a lateral tear.
WTF????!!!!!!!
I'm being told to slow down. I don’t think I'm going fast! I take a boxing boot camp a couple times a week - it's vigorous but not crazy. I'm going to take a few "Get ripped classes" but again - not crazy. I take zumba, I ride my bike, I walk/jog, and I take random things I sign up for on Groupon and Living Social. Like a Barre class I took today which I loved!
I'm told I'm training like an athlete again, but I'm not an athlete anymore so I'm asking for major injuries like this stupid hip thing.
I'm pissed.
How the fuck is it that I am moving in a healthier direction and it's fucking me up!!!???
What makes this all worse is my insurance only covers part of it so I have some gnarly medical bills heading my way. Remind me again why I pay extra for PPO.
Jesus.

Ok - yes I'm working on "acceptance".
I accept I'm older. I accept I will eventually need to probably slow down a bit. I do accept these injuries and no I'm not stopping but I am being very careful. In Barre today - I did what I could, but if my hip barked I didnt push it.
I know health insurance is not what it used to be.
Another good friend of mine chatted with me yesterday getting on my ass about not giving myself credit. I recently made a huge move for me regarding depression - I handled something a different way and she harped on me that what I did was huge. She is right.
I did make a better decision.
There are some things going on in my life right now that there is nothing I can do about them. Those of you who know me well know the stressful heartbreaking situation we have to deal with in my family right now with my grandparents and mom and money. I need to realize that. I'm in a really tough place right now that has nothing to do with me personally.

This blog is part bitch session but part honesty. I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard and I do seem to be suffering physically somewhat. But I'm not stopping.
I feel great when I'm active.
I know one of these damn days I will feel the benefits of quitting smoking and eating better. I'm just very impatient I suppose. I'm trying to be strong. To be smart. To make the right decisions. To be a good person.
It's hard. But I know it will be worth it.
Thank you to those who are holding my hand.