In to week 2.
This blows. Ugh. I hate it so much.
So everyday except Monday I allowed myself 1 cig. Yup cheated Friday night and Sunday night and had 2. The thing is – I don’t feel guilty about it. I am pretty surprised at myself for getting this far. I was sure I’d be through my emergency pack by now. This is no victory cry. I wanted to smoke the whole damn thing last nite.
I’ll have good days and bad days. One of the days this week I felt great. I was positive, proud of myself – I didn’t even eat too many suckers! The next day I was screaming out my window to some obnoxious teenagers that I will cut them. I still have my fingernails believe it or not. I’m constantly gnawing on them – those calcium pills must be working.
My friend Mr. Zen was very encouraging last nite – he told me he’d be a part of my lil support group. He paid for my dinner last nite and he knows I can do it. He’s such a doll. Ber is receiving random angry burst txt’s from me – she’s throwing it right back which is a nice laugh. T and I are sharing some angry/sad/frustrated txts. Its hard as hell on us both – but I do think we can do this.
I came into work today and one of my co-workers brought me a vase full of beautiful flowers from her garden and gave me a huge hug telling me she was so proud of me. Word has gotten around here at the office which is good because now I seem a little less crazy when I’m lapping the building venting into the phone to usually my lil bro.
Today is a hard day. I’m really emotional and just want to throw it all away and just be a smoker for the rest of my life. Its harder now tho because people know….I’m starting to not want to disappoint anyone – especially myself.
I keep trying to tell myself I’ll be such an inspiration to others because I was such a heavy smoker for so very long. I’ll be healthier. I’ll breathe more freely. Blah blah fucking blah. Ya. today is a hard day. I cant sit still either. A friend over the weekend said she could tell I was about to jump out of my skin. It’s the strangest thing….I’m doing really good but its one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m not sure how I’m handling it really. Everything is pissing me off. EVERYTHING. But I’m doing pretty good at not yelling at anyone. Still. So hard. So weird. I don’t feel myself. Le sigh.
I can do this right?
1 comment:
You can totally do it. Remember, you've just got to do a month. The first month is the hardest. I swear. When I quit I went batshit crazy with running to cope with it all. It was the only way I could escape chopping my head off and deal with the excess energy. Keep it up lady! You're doing great!
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