Smoking...

Here goes....
I've been smoking since I was 12 years old. I've been on The Pill since I was 16 years old. I was up to 2 packs a day in college. Most recently I ranged from a pack every 1-2 days. I'm a hardcore smoker. I'm not a social smoker, I dont have a cigarette only when I drink, etc. I'm a smoker. I'm probably one of the heaviest smokers amongst my circle of friends. A couple of months ago I decided it was time to attempt quitting. No, there was no epiphany, there was nothing tragic that happened, I'm not dating a non-smoker - its just time.
I've quit before - I lasted a year. I wasnt ready to quit then. I'm ready now. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. Those of you who have never smoked will not understand. Its like a drug. Its a part of me, a part of my life, a part of who I am and I have to kill it. I gave myself the deadline of Tuesday July 20th. This was after the Kelly's Beach trip and the start of a lot of changes coming in my life. I've been thinking about it for months - how to do it, should I do the patch, should I take anti-depressants, etc.
I'm doing it my way. Cold Turkey - esk. No supplements, no drugs, no nothing.
I have an emergency pack - I'm allowing myself 1 cig a day if I cant stand it - I'm only doing this until that emergency pack runs out. This will help with the shock to my system of cutting off something my body is totally accustomed to. Anyone who disagrees or thinks my ideas are stupid can fuck right off. Your not trying to do this. I am.
I'm not being super public about it....I mean alot of people know, but I wont be posting status updates about it for a while. I'm not talking about it too much. Its not the 1st thing I tell someone who doesnt know. I'm putting it here because I'm sure the process may be amusing for some of you to read and I dont think I have alot readers anymore anyway. But those of you reading this now - I love you and hope I can continue to amuse you.
So here I am - Day 6. I have had that 1 cigarette each day except one of them. I'm irritable as all hell but fighting not to kill anyone. I'm twitchy and uncomfortable and anxious and jittery. T was expecting me to be quiet and angry (she's doing this as well BTW and doing really good) but was, I believe amusingly, surprised to find me hyper. Me. Hyper. Gawd I must look like a recovering addict.
In a way tho I am. She also informed me that people are congradulating her etc but then following up with the wary question "How is Jami doing...?" Ha ha ha ha! I love it. I'm going to shock the hell out of alot of people if I can actually get through this nightmare.
Some days are better then others. I did almost get in an actual brawl Fri nite. I pulled off the side of the road, got out of my car and started walking towards the assmunch who cut me off who probably thought I was some timid girl and he could intimidate me - but I'm sure the look on my face as I walked towards him twitching and screaming shocked the hell out of him. He drove off scared and confused as hell. Yes that was stupid of me but its pretty goddamn funny right now.
I've gone thru half a bag of dum dum suckers, a whole bag of lifesavers and numerous packs of gum. A couple of straws have also met their demise as I gnawed them into shreds.
I may fail.
I dont know.
I miss them already. I dont think I'll ever get to the point of thinking they're gross or disgusting. I really do love them. I will miss them and probably always crave one or enjoy the smell or wish for one but I'm told it gets easier.
Its hard as hell, but I'm doing way better then I thought I would and I'm certainly going to give this my all. I'm pretty damn sure I can do this. So look out world - one of the heaviest smokers out there is kicking the habit. Hopefully I can be an inspiration because seriously - if I can do it - anyone can.