Relationships vs. singleness

When I was a teenager, first experiements with boys and feelings and kisses etc. I never knew what I was doing. I was always a tomboy, "one of the guys", never one of the pretty or popular girls. I went into the those awful years of Junior High School and High School longing for a boy to like me. For a boy to think I was pretty. For a boyfriend. Like all the popular girls. The pretty girls. The girls I will never be. College was similar. I played a bit, but almost always involving drugs/alcohol/desperation. Nothing real. I still felt like the outcast. The girl whose not as pretty as the other girls. Etc Etc Etc. Then I got married. I thought I had found the one. I finally had a boy. Someone finally loved me and thought I was pretty. Well - as you readers know - that went down the shitter. Since the divorce I never really went back to feeling like that "ugly" girl. That tomboy. I mean I did to an extent. I'm always going to a tomboy. Edgy. Feisty. Opinionated. I adore my friends for trying to help me girly it up. Do stuff with my hair, new tricks with makeup, dress to impress - etc. Yes I've grown out of that "Pining for a boy" stage. That longing for a boy to like me. Now its different. Its weird. I have not been in a real relationship since my divorce. I've "hooked up". I've "dated" - sort of. But I have not had a "boyfriend". Lately I have been having that lonliness nag at my soul. Poke at my heart. Laugh at my misery. After the divorce - honestly I didnt want any sort of relationship. So its my own doing. I think I'm ready now, I'd like someone to call muh man. Or do I? I think I want someone, but then I look around at what I seem to be surrounded by. My roomate, his girlfriend broke up with him yet he's still clinging on to the whole thing. They work together, they lunch together, they still go places together. This bothers me because I'm watching him hang onto false hope. He just wont let go. Then another friend of mine just filed for a nasty divorce. She's finding out STILL people he was involved with behind her back. People I know. People I respect er did. A very dear friend of mine is calling it quits with her boyfriend of years and years. About 5-6 other friends of mine have broken it off or gotten it broken off in the past couple of months! Spring hit and relationships started falling apart. I talk to people, I watch shows and it seems like no one is faithful. I was lied to. I was finacially raped and ruined in my marriage, making it almost impossible for me to trust another man ever. Yet I'm recently trying to open up. Then I look around. I want to crawl back into my little untrusting shell. Then on the other spectrum - Jess just got married for the 2nd time to a man who loves her to death. Jenn/Alex are one of the cutest couples in my life. They're real life Charlotte/Harry from Sex in the City. My old friends Cori/Tom have had their troubles but are goin strong and have been for years. It goes both ways. Yet for me - at least today - I have no idea where I belong...in a couple or on my own forever. Both sides have ups and downs. But which one will I fall into? At this point one doesnt seem better then the other. Will I trust again? Will I be like my friends who are happy and in love? Will I be one of those women who just bangs and moves on? Will I end up as the crazy cat lady? Who the hell knows.