2011 Recap...

Well, here we are. December 31st, 2011.
I went back and read my last year's recap blog and found not too much difference. I was just starting the road to change, which I have faithfully stuck to the entire 2011. Much slower than I had hoped, but changing none the less. I won’t recap too much, as I usually blog about the highlights throughout the year.
This year started out lovely. I had a small PJ party at my house to bring in the New Year. 2 of my favorite ladies stayed over and we got bagels in our PJ's on New Year's Day. The next day, T and I headed up on a rainy day to Pasadena to look at all the floats from the parade. I was in rehearsals and opening up a show I hated - No Exit - making me question theater yet again. A group of us caught Tower of Power at Coach House which is always a phenomenal concert.
February brought the dreaded V-day, which must not have been too painful because I honestly can’t remember what I did. I was in a one night sketch show called "Love and Lack Thereof" which was a blast. Feb also brings my birthday. I hit 35, which I took a little harder than I expected. This has creeped up on me throughout the year. I had a great night tho, full of sushi fun and friends.
March brought a very important slap to the face. I came into 2011 wanting to work on changing my lifestyle and really trying to take a hard look at myself and what I could work on to finally find happiness. I've tried to quit smoking multiple times, but never actually succeeded. I found I was drinking much more throughout January and February, probably due to the fact that these are hard months for me. I don’t know why - maybe because it's usually cold, there's nothing exciting happening, V-day, my Bday, etc. Turning 35 as I mentioned was rough. Well...it all came to a head at the beginning of March. So the end of Feb/start of March I came down with what I like to refer to as the Death Flu. We've all had it. It's the cold/flu that knocks you flat on your ass for days, sometimes weeks. I had already been sick on and off as the year started with a mixture of stomach ailments and flus. We had planned a fun night out March 5th to see T in her one woman show, have dinner before and drinks after with the girls. I was crushed to be sick. I stayed home days before that and nursed myself trying to get well. The night came; I wasn’t even close to 100% but was feeling well enough to at least get out. The night brought too much drinking, and me smoking while I was still sick. At promptly 1am ish my voice left. And I mean left. I was in mid convo with people and it just stopped working. I have NEVER lost my voice like this. I laughed it off and went home realizing I'm probably just getting sicker and should get home, and oh did I. I vomited the whole next day, was hung-over and the sickness was worse than ever. I also couldnt talk. It took me weeks to recover from this, and over a week to get my voice back which was the weirdest thing ever. The slap in the face came when a photo was posted of me from that night. I saw how drunk I looked. I looked like one of those people in pictures I pity. I was mortified. But it's what I needed.
I quit smoking.
I'm not going to lie - I have a few more drinking binges after that, but they have since stopped. I have stopped that lifestyle. I can’t do it anymore. I'll still have drinks; I'll still stay out late once in a while, but no more smoking, no more over eating, no more getting drunk. And I did it! A cigarette has not touched my lips since that night. I'm still working on the eating thing, still have to be careful with the drinking thing, but it's already so much better.
April brought something else. April brought me Warrior Dash. I won’t go into detail, as I already have previously but this basically kick started my "Race Year". This also helped kick start me into staying active the rest of the year. I had so much fun, and this turned into a new drug for me. Perfectly timed as well since I'm killing my party lifestyle (Well hard core party lifestyle) and replacing it with this. April also brought Coachella - which again - no need for details but as always is an experience never to be forgotten.
May and June and July run together as this is when I got hooked on Groupon's and Living Social deals. I started signing up for all kinds of things - dance classes, workout classes, races, etc. It's what I need to stay fit, to stay active - VARIETY. This is also when I found Boxing Burn. It's a 2 night class through the city that I love. May always brings Doheny Blues Festival which is one of my favorites and my 1st ever performance in a burlesque show. Yup - I DANCED!!!! I also ditched my trainer since he wasn’t helping me out anymore and I'd rather spend my money elsewhere. He was a good kick start and help into getting me active again. This is also summer time which of course is my favorite. Anything outdoors and in the sun and I'm a happy girl. Bike riding, concerts in the parks, beach visits, etc. Such a great time of year.
August brought a plethora of races; I've blogged about every one, so I won’t go into details. I made it to the Fair this month with my dad and had our usual great time. (Although I think eating the food did me in). This is also when I attempted going back to school and tackling math and we all know where that led me.
September/October and November brought the holidays, sickness again, a mellow Halloween, my favorite race to date - the ROC Race and struggles.
Here we are on the last day of December. One bittersweet thing in this month was Theatre Uncut. It was a great political show full of some of the most talented actors. The reviews were amazing, the feedback was amazing and it was a show I was very proud of that needed to happen. With this show came some realizations about myself, people in my life and that certain politics affect me more than I thought. This show has also sparked more changes coming in my life. Christmas has come and gone. I'm not going to lie - it sucked. Christmas Eve was spent crying my eyes out over a bottle of wine alone. Christmas day brought family drama and more tears and the day after Xmas sent me crying my eyes out in a parking lot after leaving my dad’s. Yup - that nasty beast depression is looming, but don’t worry - it’s a fierce battle that I know I will conquer. I did try therapy a few months ago and didn’t care for the woman. I have an appointment with a new one next week. I will not take medication; I just need some guidance on how to kick this feeling out. I'm lonely. I know that. It's a good thing that I know that. I’m not in denial anymore. I'm also learning what hurts me most and doing my best to fight it. And not all the holidays were bad - I've had some time off and loved every second of it. Bike riding, working out, having dinner/drinks with friends. With the exception of the actual holiday it's been a decent month.
So I'm going into 2012 a little scared. Change is really hard. It's really scary. It's extremely painful. But I hope, oh do I hope, that this time next year I'll be writing about how far I've come. How happy I am. I'm working on patience. So here are the steps I'm taking. I'm writing them here so I have reference.
I'm not giving up on therapy. I'm going to continue working on the eating/drinking thing. I will continue my life as a “recovering smoker”. I have to stay active. I'm trying SO HARD to be more open to dating (But can I tell you how impossible it is to meet someone!). I’m going to be looking into a self-paced math class. I'd like to attempt that 365 days of writing book. If I do, I may start a separate blog for that. I’d like to hone my photography skills. I look forward to developing even stronger friendships with those friends who I love. The group has grown substantially smaller, but this is good. I want to keep changing for the better.
2012 - be good to me please. Come February we move into the Year of the Dragon. This is my year. I'm planning on great things.
Bring it.

Who am I...

I'm having a hard time figuring this out lately.
Since I moved back home in November of 2008, I've gone through some roller coaster phases. I fell into a pretty deep depression after the economy crashing, being unemployed and moving back home. Every time I tried to jump out of it I found myself drinking way too much, smoking way too much, and crying way too much.
A couple of pictures I saw of myself snapped me out of that.
I seem to move slowly when I try to make changes, and stumble a lot during the way. I tried to quit smoking and take better care of myself and failed. I had a better job now, I was starting to make a dent in the debt to move back out and fell down again. Car repairs. Illness. More drinking. More bad pictures. Smoking again. The start of this year seemed hopeful. I went into the New Year with a good attitude, but January and February are rough months for me. I fell down again. March was the last time I fell that hard.
I quit smoking March 5th.
I started exercising more to counter the not smoking.
When I started exercising I realized I was eating better and less.
I started really trying to figure myself out. This part has taken an odd turn.
I seem to have hit a wall. Theater is no longer a priority in my life. I still love it; I'll still act but not as much. I now pick and choose my projects.
I want to live an active lifestyle, but I don’t seem "active" enough to do so. Throw in my multiple injuries and screwy illnesses and I'm even less "active".
I have found I'm pretty decent at most things, but I'm not REALLY good at anything. This is where I feel I'm really missing something. I don’t have that "thing". So many people I know have found their "thing". Not me. I write, but I ramble mostly. I used to be a fantastic photographer, but I was old skool and shot black and white and developed it myself. This new world of digital and photo shopping and tricks, well I just don’t seem to fit in. I'm a decent actress, stronger at comedy then drama but none the less good? Not great. I can’t cook for shit, nor do I want to. Hate crafts. I've enjoyed being active again, and am super proud of the power I have back again. I'm super strong, but cardio challenged.
I think "What's my purpose?"
I have found out a few things I need to change about myself, but I don’t know how. I've realized I don’t have a tolerance for "weak" people. I never act on it, but they piss me off by no fault of their own except they are weak. I need to learn to let that go, but how? I have come to realize my constant seeking of approval from my father has affected me much worse than I thought. How do I deal with that? I see and read things about how horrible people are in our world and I lose it. I want to help the helpless (animals, children, and the elderly). They are not weak - they are helpless, and when someone hurts them I flip shit. I need to learn to fight this the right way, not get so angry and upset and let the "Irish" out.
How do I fix these things?
I've found some good things too. I'm actually not a negative person; I just have a hard time letting things go. If I can just learn to do that, I really think people will stop looking at me as negative. I have found I am good at entertaining. I make people feel better and laugh when they are down. I swear when someone laughs or smiles at something I caused, it’s a great feeling! I have also finally accepted and embraced that I'm a tomboy and feisty and have a mouth and will never be a delicate flower. I also take the time to enjoy the silly things, such as LOL Cats or DYAC. I love cute animal videos and cute animals in general. I'm embracing my dork for sure.
I did try therapy. I still may, but the gal I tried going to didn’t work out. I knew I made the right decision stopping when even she said she couldn’t help me.
Why am I writing all this here? I don’t know, maybe someone can give me some insight? I get inspired quickly and easily. I try to turn my envy into inspiration. I'm getting better at that.
I also have accepted that I am lonely. I want a companion. I don’t need to get married again, but I really want someone in my life. Don’t worry; this is a good thing because I was so closed off to the idea before. It's been so long, and I'm afraid of how long it's been. I signed up on an online dating site. Just a free one, due some nudging from friends to just see what it's like. I already don’t like it. It's weird an unnatural to me. I want to organically meet someone. Maybe I'm old fashioned that way.
I'm really trying. I'm really trying to improve myself. I try to talk less and listen more. (This is hard). I drink much less. I still have not touched a cigarette. I still exercise and keep the variety high. I don’t overeat any more. I try to think before I speak and walk away from things to cool off before regretting an action or word. I spend more time with family. I spend more time with fewer friends. I love more. I feel more. But it's just the tip. I know I have a long long way to go, and still have no idea who I am. I do feel confident I will find out, and I’m so excited to find out but I’m also impatient. :)

For Kim...

Thanksgiving has come and gone. This is always a bitter sweet time for me.
20 years ago on Thanksgiving Day a dear friend of mine, and the child she was pregnant with died in a horrific car accident. Her husband was almost paralyzed, others, including her other children, were seriously injured. The day burns in my memory like a white hot rod. I'll never forget the look on my mom's face when she got the phone call, turned and looked at me and started to cry. When I got the news I was destroyed. I was 15 years old. Already an over emotional out of control teenager. Kim was my neighbor I had developed a close friendship with and looked to her like an older sister. I babysat her children Jason and Rhea and when she was pregnant again, I was so excited to meet Karly Ann. She and her baby were taken from our world much too soon.
I also remember, soon after that we had an assignment in my drama class to write and perform a monologue. I poured my emotions into a very violent, dark monologue which consisted of my killing the man who killed my dear friend. Who crashed into their SUV with his semi-truck on a road he should have never been driving on. Who took my friends life so tragically. This was the only way I knew how to deal with it. The class was silent when I finished. I stumbled offstage in a rage of emotion. My teacher followed me out of the classroom and sat me down. He told me what I did was phenomenal. It was raw. It was real. That is my first memory of realizing I wanted to be an actor.
I can’t believe it’s been 20 years. Life is so strange that way. Time becomes an enemy. Love your friends. Love your family. Cherish your time, especially with those you love.
It took me a very very long time to get over the death of my friend. But now I look back and I'm thankful she was in my life. I'm thankful she touched me more than she will ever know. I'm thankful she pushed me towards my dream. I'm thankful I'm still in touch with her children. I'm thankful, and cried my eyes out from happiness, when I found out her daughter just gave birth to a baby girl she named Karly Hope. 20 years later. She's beautiful just like her mom, and just like Kim whose memory will live on in my heart forever.
I love you Kim and miss you every day.

Bowling...

The only reason I am blogging this late on a weeknite is because I'm on such a friggin high there is no way I can sleep!!!! Let me tell you why:

So. I'm part of NLAA sports. This is a party league that hosts such things as kickball, bowling, ultimate Frisbee, softball, dodge ball, volleyball and maybe some others. I joined the Drunken Degenerates kickball team a few years back, had a great time, met some great new friends but sadly the league grew and people start behaving like douchebags so the fun died out for me. So - our old captain emailed me asking if I wanted to try the bowling out. Sure! I promptly signed up and was ready to go. She ended up having to drop out and told me to stay in and be captain. I was a little hesitant at first since I've only bowled randomly here and there and I really don’t know much about the sport except you roll a ball and hit some pins. My wonderful friends Anna and Sergio I met through the Bistro crew years and years ago were on board to play. Sergio brought on his sister, and they brought their cousin and his sister. There was our 6 person team. The normal league nights work like this – you play 3 games. 4 people play at a time. You get a point for each game you win. Everyone gets to bowl twice. They use handicaps (Thank GAWD) and they list weekly stats, etc.
First of all, I want to say my team is fucking awesome. None of us are bowlers, but we were all willing to give it a go. The gal who was going to be captain had already registered us as The Talkin Turkeys (Which I found out later - Turkey is actually a bowling term) so I kept the name and emailed the head of the league telling him I had no clue what the hell I was doing but I was willing to stay captain and do this. He was great. Explained everything, and of course it's all about the fun!
So - it began.
8 weeks flew by. We learned more and more and improved a great deal. We of course were not as good as a lot of the other players, but we had a blast every night and loved the fact that we were all getting better. Later in the season, the head of the league deemed us the most fun team. We had matching turkey shirts and hats made up for our bumper bowling Halloween evening. And for the playoffs silly hats were brought and worn. We always out drink most of our competitors. Our bar tab smoked our bowling score (Which was actually a joke in one of the league emails). Our team was teased but liked. We always had fun.
A little side note - I used to be extremely competitive. I'm not anymore. Now I'm in it for the fun. I'm older, my body is more broken, I just want to have fun and meet new people. My teammates are the same. Agave Tequila is the sponsor of the league, so I'm always supporting our sponsor and Mango Margaritas became my bowling night drink. My 5 other teammates are Hispanic and I'm Irish - yup we were also the drinking team and constantly joked about that. We really had so much fun!!!!
Tonight was the play offs. It was set up bracket style - once you lost you were out. You could stay and bowl, but you were out of the playoffs. We all planned on not making it past our 1st round and were totally ok with it. We arrived with silly hats, ordered our usual large order of food and drink and started our game. I had jammed my wrist earlier in the week in boxing class, but was determined to still play our last game of the season. We won. Holy shit!!! We were thrilled!!!
I told my team I was so proud we made it to round 2!!! Look at us rookies! We altered our line up and played the 2nd game. I got the exact same score both games, and guess what - we won again. NO WAY!!! We were ecstatic. We started the final game. I was starting to really hurt and swell up at this point. I was doing pretty well so my team had wanted me to stay in for game 3 since I was doing good, and we altered our line up again. Now - funny thing is - I didn’t realize we were in the FINALS. Yes - the captain was clueless as usual. It was about 3/4 of the way through the game that someone clued me in that we were the last 2 teams standing. WHAT!!!???? So we were going to be 2nd place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoooo!!! We were playing an awesome team - very fun group - very nice - and a blast to play. I loved it!!! What a great way to end the season.
We won.
WHAT!!!!
We won.
I think all of us were in shock at this point.
WE FUCKING WON!!!!
The head of the league cheered and pulled us all aside to take the winning team photo.
Are you kidding me!?
Our rookie team, all about the fun, WE WON THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My 1st time as a captain!!!!
Yes, the other teams were not playing their best. They should have wiped the floor with us. But we won. The underdogs won.
The entire way home I couldn’t stop smiling. I even laughed a few times.
I just can’t believe we won!!!!!
I really want to say, the fact that we were relaxed, cool, fun people, a great team spirit and just all around an awesome team. We played really well. Violet bowled her best game yet. We fucking rocked. I'm so proud of my team and so proud that we won because we had fun. No drama! No bullshit! Just a great group of friends having a fantastic time. Oh and we WON!!! We are the champions. That’s right!
What a great night.
Talkin Turkeys - WE ROCK!!!!!

ROC Race...

Ok here's the latest and greatest....Seriously, my favorite one yet!!!!
The whole reason I started doing these random 5K's, was because my obsession with climbing and jumping on things. Maybe it's the kid in me, maybe it's because I don’t want to grow up, maybe it's because I can’t run for shit but I have awesome upper body strength, who knows. This race was geared just for that. It was made by the peeps who do Wipeout and one of the Mud Runs (I forget which one. It took place at the Pomona Fairgrounds. As soon as I heard the name I was so in!!!!! It's even sillier then the others, most people dress up or at least wear matching team costumes like we did, there is a huge dance party/DJ set up and a fantastic high energy host who basically "kept the party going".
We got there a bit before 8am (Our wave was at 9am). It was freeeeezing!!!! Our outfits were tanks and I had shorts on, hoping my knee high pink socks would keep me warm enough. Figuring once we start going I'll be fine, since all my other races I've been so hot/sweaty at the end. We checked it out, goofed around, did and impromptu warm up dance thing with this bad ass chick who I think was a fire fighter. And then the dance party started. It was a great warm up!!!!

This guy in an afro called all who was there over to this stage and got everyone riled up. People were jumping and laughing and dancing and shouting. It was fantastic!!!

Our time was called. We headed over to the starting line and waited. The let the individual runners go 1st, then the teams of 4, then the unlimited teams which we were. We called ourselves The Shot Chasers. I found these great tanks online, and D got the socks. I thought we looked pretty freakin awesome!!

Off we went. Our team pretty much stayed together the whole time. Chay and his roomie Kristin (Met her race day - very cool chick) were runners, but kept pace, Court/D are the usual trot/walk gals, Megs was going between them and me, and my knee was especially acting up due to the cold so I was not running much at all. It's all good, my fast paced walk is always fine with me. We'd split and come back together all throughout the race. Part of the reason was one of the drawbacks of the race and that was - alot of the obstacles had a back up. They were somewhat difficult, so you'd get up to it and then have to wait. So if you were doing this race for time - forget it.
1st obstacle - Louche Libre Assault. Two dudes with Mexican Wrestler masks that attacked you with these big sticks with cushy things on the end. Hilarious. I made it thru unscathed.
2nd - The Barriers. They were about 4 feet high cement things. Maybe about 10 of em? I was quite proud here. All of the other people were climbing over them. I literally used my arms, gave myself a hoist and hopped over all of them. I got thru faster than anyone else.
3rd - Zombies. Yup. I was dying. We ran thru these stables and these zombies came tearing out of the stables. I was laughing so hard I almost fell. They would run at you then veer off. People were either screaming or laughing. I loved it.
4th - Mud Tubes. We had to wait a bit here. There were 3 metal tubes going up mud hills and covered in snow. Did I mention the race had extra mud due to the rains? And snow? WTF! We had to crawl up thru the tubes in the mud. There were 2 sets of these. We got quite muddy at this point.
5th - Jump Mud Walls. They had about 3 I think, they were mud hills with a wall on top you had to hop or climb over. You also had to get quite a running start to get up the fucker or you would slide back down. Fun, but coming down was a little ouch on my knee.
6th - Monkey Bars. I aced these!!!!! They were about 6 across I think (6 people could go at a time), if you fell you landed in muddy water and had to walk out. I'm the only one that made it across!!!!!! Also, only me and Kristin made it across on our team. I think Chay would have but purposely dropped off at the end. The monkey bars were thick, but I was so stoked I blasted through them.
7th - Stadium Stairs. Ok, this was a bit rough. We had to run up to the top of the stadium, then down again. They had Eye of the Tiger playing and a giant pic of Rocky at the top. Hilarious. Going up wasn’t too bad, but coming down I had to do this hop thing to avoid landing on my knee and can I tell you - that one calf was sore for 4 days!!!!!!!

8th - Hosedown Tower. Ok, this was not fun. We started running up this area with trees and paths and looked like it was a zoo or something. There were people in towers - HOSING US WITH FIRE HOSES. Did I mention it was freezing out?! There was no way to not get hit, so now I'm wet and cold. Eeeek! We then ran past these guys who were high fiving us as we ran by - I thought they were supportive volunteers. Nope bitches had water blasters. Sigh.
9th - Balls. They had these balls on rope that got hocked at you when you went through. They apparently had paint on them, but I got thru unscathed so I didn’t see that. There were some other balls you ran thru, but the guys didn’t have it together when we ran thru so I had to miss that one.
10th - Tire Mountain. These were tires that went up a hill and were covered in snow. What's with the snow!!!! I tried to be all bad ass here, but almost ate it so had to be a good cautions little girl going up and down these bad boys.

11th - Giant Inflatable Slip & Slide! Now I didn’t mind getting wet here. 2 people went at a time - you ran at it and slide thru just like a slip and slide! So much fun!!!
12th - More Tires. Now we're wetter. F You.
13th - Polar Plunge. When the guy shouted it as we ran the corner I wanted to cry. Damn with cold water!!!! Sure enough you had to jump into this cold cold water that was about waist high and pull yourself across on ropes. Sigh.
14th -This was my favorite I think. It was a giant inflatable thing. One side you climb up the wall with a rope. Which I sailed up faster than most (I love that I can do something good!!!!) then the other side was a giant inflatable slide!!!! So much fun!!


15th - Mud Hills. These were just basically just giant mud hills you run up and down. I was careful coming down. My knee was really acting up unfortunately and I forgot to mention I was coming off being sick so I still had a horrendous cough. I hadn’t worked out for 2 weeks, so I was struggling a bit.
16th - Rope Balancing thing. You had to go across balancing on a rope, and you held one above your head. I scooted across pretty good!
Last one - (There were 20, but I can’t remember the others. They were little ones though, usually tires or mud hills...) This was a rope swing. You grab the rope - swing across. If you fell you landed in muddy water. I felt like a monkey. Loved it.

As we finished they called out our names and team name so that was very cool to hear. This was Megs 1st race so she had a blast and loved hearing her name called.

Afterwards was the giant after party. They had food, beer, a wine tent, vendors and the dance dance party. They also had changing tents and were super organized with everything. Sadly I had to leave early. I wasn’t prepared to get that wet, so my change of clothes wasn’t sufficient and I got really chilled. I also was still coming off that damn flu, so I headed out. I heard from the others though that it was awesome and fun. I'll come better prepared next time and stay to party with the rest.
All in all this race was my favorite. I'm so excited and hoping they do it again next year!!!!

Chapman 5K...

So I know I'm nowhere near what some people are doing in the world of active-ness right now. My GAWD. I read some of my friend’s updates and blogs and my mind is blown. Triathlons, Ironman Races, Hell one of my co-workers placed 1st in the Chapman 5K for the women. HELLOOOO!!!!!!
So, I need to tell myself, what I'm doing is good for me. Just me. Its ok Jami, you’re not going to be doing any 80 million mile bike rides anytime soon. I'm so very happy I'm not as competitive as I used to be. Now I'm just inspired. It's truly amazing what these friends are doing. And I have quite a handful of them too. (I know at least one of you is reading this Ms. Kickass). But seriously. Insane what these folks have accomplished and just keep friggin going. I look forward to more blogs and updates and news on them probably running/biking around the world at some point here soon. Keep it up my friends - you all are fucking amazing.
But let's come back to me.
As you all know from my past blogs, and those of you who just know me. Yes - I'm athletic. Yes I'm pretty fearless. Yes I like to sign up for the weirdest shit. But no, I'm not in the most amazing shape. And yes, I'm very broken/busted. The tumor on my foot is extremely painful and we all know my knee woes. (Although I'm starting to wonder, if when I do get surgery, maybe a robo knee will be like a superhero thing!!!) Plus my awesome back injury likes to throw its opinion into the mix quite often. But that doesn’t stop me. It does slow me down though. Alot.
I'm smarter now. I know when not to over-do it. (Ok most of the time, not all of the time). My accomplishments are baby ones and that is probably what work best for me right now. I mean hello - not too long ago I was quite the partier, smoked a pack or more a day and exercised when I felt like a fatty that usually lasted about a day or two. Then I'd overdo it and completely fuck myself up. I also loooooved to eat at about 2am. Now I'm a little better. Yes, just a little. I've quit smoking (a feat in of itself), I eat sort of better, I exercise regularly and I drink...well I still drink, but not like before. My party days are now what I like to call grown up party days. On a school night with few exceptions I'm in bed at a decent hour, and I curb my drinking to just a couple of glasses instead of a bottle.
But I've completely gone off the subject. I'm supposed to blogging about the Chapman 5K. I'm realizing I may write another "working on life changing" blog later.
Chapman 5K.
I signed up for this only because I work there, it was free and I'm trying to be more involved there. I also figured I'd just walk with some Chapman peeps and call it a day.
Well, as the day came closer the people I was going to walk with slowly started dropping off. I've made more acquaintances there, but alot were actually going to run it so they were out. The ones that were going to walk with me were either now working check in, or bitching out altogether. So the day came and I had no buddy.
When my alarm went off in the dark of morning - do you know when this is??? The time before the sun comes up when your body is saying "Why the fuck are you getting up at this ungodly hour on a SATURDAY??!!". I'm not gonna lie - I about bitched out myself. It was free, who cares, I had to work the beer garden from 1 to 5 anyway, grumble grumble. Well - I did it. I got up, showered and headed over in the dark.
It was bustling with people and excitement, so I found one of my running coworker friends and chatted with him while we stretched and got ready. I have learned to use Pandora on my scary phone, and had this little arm thingie that could hold it. So I told myself - "You did most of beach palooza alone, this will be a nice test to do it completely alone". So I did.
I stuck in my ear buds and zoned out the people around me. The race began and I heard faint cheers as the herd started to move. The start line was shooting off white confetti in the air as we ran through. It was awesome. I did jog this 1st part, mainly to get away from the crowds. We ran thru the Orange Circle and into the neighborhoods. We started to space out, and at this point my knee started to scream, so I fell into my very brisk power walk. I ended up in a great rhythm that I didn’t stop. I had on the Flogging Molly Pandora. Can I say how perfect this is for this little Irish Girl to power walk in my own little world to?! Especially when they sing the warrior crys!
We hit the 1st mile and I started noticing that I was passing alot of people. Including these little tiny bitchy college whores in their little bitty shorts who pranced passed me earlier. Now they were all tired and dragging. HA BITCHES!!
Sorry. Catty moment.
There were random people along the route that had wandered out of their houses to watch or cheer us on. Not many, but a few. My favorites were a group of about 8 women in their 50's-ish with mimosas cheering us on. Another was a little old couple standing on their porch, and as I neared, the little man whipped up a trombone and was playing little tunes. That was a little bit of awesomeness right there.
As I passed the 2 mile mark, I was floored at how many people I was passing. I know I walk faster than the average person. I can’t run for shit without my foot or knee acting up, but dammit I can walk the shit out of races!! I was quite impressed with myself that I didn’t let up. I was focused, in a nice little zone and trekking along.
When I hit campus we rounded the corner and there was a whole crap load of peeps cheering and what not. I got excited thinking I was at the finish line, so I started to run again. Bad idea. I sailed thru campus, but we turned back onto a street. My knee started to swell and pretty much gave at that point. I fell back into my walk, but as per usual when I did finally spot the finish line, I had to run across it. So I did. Yes I was limping, yes I probably shouldn’t have, but I did push myself a bit too much. I high fived our Panther Mascot as I stumbled over the finish line.
My knee was swollen and screaming and my foot was starting to throb. But I felt great. Busted or not I felt fantastic. I grabbed my oatmeal and juice, shot a pic with my co-worker and headed out to clean up before coming back.
It was interesting how I felt. I know I'm never going to 1st, or probably even in the top, but I'm doing great for me. I'm steady. Slow and steady wins the race right? I like these baby steps. I'm trying to find ways to handle more. My therapist wants to kill me, but she works out my scar tissue and has kept me out of surgery thus far. I have ortho things in my shoes now that are hopefully going to quiet down the fiery tumor. I'm also noticing I can last longer, and heal better. Grant it I had to opt out of my boxing class tonite due to alot of pain waist down, but I'm learning how to slow down and not kill myself. I also did the race in 38 minutes. Best I've ever done! I do walk pretty damn fast! :)

Smoking...

I miss it...
Oh do I miss it...
October 5th was 7th months.
My body is not reacting as violently as it was. But I'm still having some issues. I had my 1st chest X-ray yesterday. Dr. thinks it'll be fine, but they want to just check it out since I've been having odd feelings in my chest. Personally I think my lungs are confused, because they don’t get the daily intake of smoke. They miss it too.
I remember the 1st cigarette of the day. That burning sensation down your throat. That long exhale of swirly smoke. That smell. That taste. That feeling. Only a smoker will know that this paragraph is like heaven. I miss it.
The cravings have not gone away, really at all. My Dr. said "You'll never be a non-smoker. You'll always be a recovering smoker. It's like alcoholism. But nicotine is the most addictive one you can do." He smiled and followed up with "You were a loser before, now you’re making efforts to take care of yourself. You've given yourself life." Yup. He's my new primary Doctor. I like him.
I still miss it. And from the sounds of it I always will. I still don’t feel any "Better". I don’t notice any differences. I don’t feel any different or better or cleaner or breathe better or any of that. Doc says I won’t for a year. So, guess we'll see. Oh how I miss it.
I have to say - I am proud of myself. I really didn’t think I could ever do it. I still can’t believe I actually did. I'm not exaggerating when I say a cigarette has not touched my lips. I honestly think I'm afraid if I have one puff I'll go back. It's actually getting a bit harder to be around smokers because I miss it so much. Being around the smoke is like dangling candy in front of a diabetic. I really don’t want to become one of those friends to my smoking friends that can’t be around them now that I don’t smoke, but it's getting harder it seems.
Oh how I miss it.
I guess it was time though. This is why I was able to do it. I feel like I lost a part of myself. It's really the strangest feeling. It's like something is missing from my life.
Goodbye my sweet dear friend American Spirits. Your yellow box was my favorite. I can taste you as I type this. Your sweet smell that you left on my fingers and on my clothes. You were always with me. Like an extension of my arm. Just there. You were there for me during stressful times, sad times, happy times. But I had to let you go. It's time.
Oh how I miss it.
Almost a year now.
I miss you.