That's me you guys.
Bitter and will be at a table for one for the rest of my damn life.
This morning in the shower I started having a lot of thoughts on dating. (The shower is where I do my best over thinking) so I decided to jot them down in hopefully in a humorous way with pics and memes and ways other ladies may be able to relate.
How I feel right now:
WHAT THE FUCK?
I have literally tried it all now. Friends have supposedly been looking for someone to set me up with. A sparse few actually came through. One I actually dated a year back in 2007. I know right?! The one and only dude I dated more than a nano second since my divorce. The only reason we lasted as long as we did was I was bound and determined to try to make it work. Even though I wasn't into him. (I mean he was a conservative republican you guys!)
I have a bunch of different social circles.
I have tried to meet people when I'm happy go lucky Jami. The few years right after my head issue I was like:
I met people before that when I was more of a Negative Nancy and I have now met people with where I'm at now which is still grateful, loves life Jami but the Irish kiss my ass sarcasm has returned.
Henry Rollins reminded me that you can still be a tough bitch and practice kindness and love unicorns and shit.
I have volunteered places.
I have tried to approach dudes in public places and smile and make eye contact and have a conversation even though most of the time it's more like this:
All I've learned is how much I HATE DATING. I have also learned some new terms - "Ghosting" and "Benched". I'd like to say I don't ghost but I have mutually ghosted which I have found isn't that bad because dude did it 1st. Example - text text text - nothing. So I don't care enough to keep trying. Or - date - date blew- I ALWAYS send a "thank you or had a nice time" text because I'm not an asshole but if I don't hear back I don't reach out either.
BUT - if I think things are going well via texting or dating I have constantly been shocked when I get ghosted. I'll go back and re-read texts to see if I said something or seemed too needy or to short or something and I swear I can't see where I went wrong! This last one hurt. 2 fantastic dates (I thought) with Sleeves. Even though he's been traveling we texted here and there. All of a sudden - nothing. I've been fucking GHOSTED AGAIN! People wonder why I am so jaded.
Maybe he was robbed, or left his phone somewhere or whatever fucking excuse - but goddammit if I don't believe there is a way to get a hold of a person if you really want to. Borrow a phone, find a computer. When I was in the mother fucking ICU and a dude I hadn't been out with yet text me "Are we still on for Thur" - I RESPONDED! (He sure wasn't expecting that excuse) but still. I have the common courtesy to find a way to at least let someone know whats up ya know? I just can't believe in our current world there isn't a way to just say - "Hey - not dead" or something. And the thing is...with this one in particular...if it's going well (like I thought) don't you try? This hurt my heart. Alot. Am I crazy? Am I too nice? Too gullible? Too stupid? Too jaded? Maybe I am. Maybe that's why I'm still single at 40.
I have an update on Sleeves. So - I heard from him...like a week later. Yup - Oh I'm so busy, blah blah blah so I figured fine - You don't have time for me. It's cool. You're not into me like I thought. I was already chatting with another e-harmony dude and had gone through my tears and anger for you. Moved on. The next week - he asks me out. I wanted to say no - but remember - I really liked this guy! So I said "Ok great! Sunday night?" He was like "Great! I'll figure something out and get back to you." I was cautiously optimistic. Sadly of course though I started thinking how excited I was to see him again. I could look past the ghosting and too busy. I text him a day or two before Sun asking what the plan was. Guess what - FUCKING NOTHING!!!! This is even worse than ghosting I think! I had gotten past you and moved on - you pop back in and make plans and then you ghost again?!?!?!?!? What the actual fuck dude?! I text once more and nothing. How dare you get my hopes up again and then be an ever bigger jerkLet me tell you about "Benched" which I just recently learned and figured that's what the goddamn Ginger did. Benched - like in baseball - you're put on the bench until someone hotter doesn't work out. FUCKING REALLY?!
I mean I guess I knew...but didn't realize it had a name. So that's what so many dudes have done to me in the past. I can't tell you how many times I got ghosted then weeks later a "Whatcha doing?" text from long gone dude. Boy have I fell for that one alot. And here I thought "Oh...maybe he really likes me and just realized it?" UGH!!!
I put this out there in the world, showing my vulnerable side, which used to be really hard for me, in hopes that other women can say "YES! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!" Or at least get a chuckle. Or maybe even have a solution for me I have not thought of yet.
So hear I am friends.
Please don't tell me "It'll happen when you least expect it." There have been times I have not been expecting it and he has not arrived.
Please don't tell me "You'll meet someone someday". I'm fucking 40 and any chance of having a kid is pretty much on it's way out the biological window.
Please don't tell me "You're so awesome, I don't understand why you can't meet anyone." ME EITHER!!!!!!!!!!
Please don't talk to me about cookies fucking baking, Mr. Right is right around the corner, You just need to be patient (FYI it's been 14 years), he's out there you just haven't met him yet, it's a numbers game, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm here right now.
Can someone please teach me the secret to not want to be in a relationship? To not get lonely when I'm surrounded by couples and families? To be perfectly happy being alone the rest of my life? Can I please be Samantha from Sex and the City?!
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